Mommy Detective

Mommy Boredom/discouragement

2012-01-24T08:40:00.000-08:00

Many moms complain that while they love their children, most of their days are overloaded with work, repetition and boredom. After all, how can anyone get excited about poopy diapers, cranky preschoolers and endless spills?  Have you ever looked back on a day and wonder what you accomplished? Have you been discouraged because your future seems to be an eternity of unimportant tasks and service to others?

What can you do to find some meaning and purpose among all the tedious trivia that engulfs a busy moms day? Chart your progress. Knowing that you aren't standing still and that you are making progress will help you feel good about your job. Everyone likes a pat on the back. Unfortunately...not many people pat the backs of young mothers. Most moms don't feel like engineers who love to make charts and lists. But...if you bend the following tips to fit your busy schedule, you may find a little charting is better than a night out with the girls. One mother who was depressed used my list but made it as minimal as possible. She limited herself to one word. She hung a blank page on the fridge with her four children's names going down the side. Every day she wrote one word that described an accomplishment. Hug, quiet, kind, sharing....While it didn't make sense to anyone else - it made perfect sense to her. Her chart got her through the long days of gloomy winter and she was able to accomplish several personal goals.

For those of you that can handle a little charting - how about tweaking the following list to fit your style?

1.  Take the time to write down your goals. It's important to have a written account of what you are trying to accomplish. When you get discouraged, pull out your list and calculate your progress. Even if you are only taking small steps toward those goals, documenting your progress will help you feel like your goals are closer even when it doesn't seem possible.

2. Make sure your list of goals include even the smallest items. For example, be sure an document every new word your child learns or the fact that little Tommy made it six hours before taking big brother's toy.

3.  Place a star by each day that you feel good about your job and note the possible reasons. Sun was shining, hubby was sweet, bills were paid. If you know the possible reasons for your discouragement, you can build a plan to avoid those down days.

4. Chart the moments you take for yourself. Things like a bubble bath at night while hubby watches the kids, reading a page from the latest novel each time you slip into the bathroom, having a special cup of tea to celebrate naptime. Whatever you do to have a moment to yourself should be charted. Why? Because it reconfirms to your subconscious that you did have 22 minutes to yourself today. I've had days when I wished for just 10 minutes - to know I had 22 would have at least caused me to smile and say, "Whoa...really?!"

5. Chart how many times you say "I love you" and how many times your children or your spouse says it. Sometimes we feel down because we think no one appreciates our work. When you are forced to look at how much time you are appreciated, it helps to dispel the notion that you aren't.

I think every husband should take at least one day a month to insist his children say thank you to mom. If they are too little to remember on their own - Dad should help them make a card or draw a picture for mom with the theme of thank you. Dad should clip flowers from the yard, clap for her at supper or just give her the biggest hug and personal thank you he can. After all, how many men would keep working at their job if there was no paycheck and no gratitude from the boss???

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Tips for children swallowing pills

2011-11-05T13:00:00.000-07:00

"I read some of your tips for toddlers, but I was wondering - do you have any tips for getting preschoolers to swallow pills? There are some medications that don't come in liquid form."
Sure...try these...

1. Let your child practice swallowing pills by using the tiny M&M's. If it gets stuck, it will melt within seconds. I've also tried this with small pieces of ice. It's best to practice this "before" you child gets sick.

2. You can help pills slide down a little easier if you use a baby spoonful of applesauce, whipped cream, ice cream or yogurt. I've also wrapped the pill with something fun to eat like a soft piece of donut, toast coated with jelly, or a pinch of peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

3. As long as your preschooler isn't one to suck on things first, you can try coating the pill with a little butter or oil or pudding in order to make them more slippery. My mom is 83 and she still takes her nightly pills with a small bite of banana. She says it helps it slide down easier.

4. As long as it's okay to crush the pill (ask your pharmacist), you can mix it with food or drink. Just be sure crushing it doesn't release a bad taste that will destroy the taste of the food.

5. For chewable tablets, have your child chew a piece of bread before brushing his teeth. This will remove all the medicine that may be stuck on his teeth.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any more suggestions.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Tips for giving medicine to toddlers

2011-11-04T19:14:00.000-07:00

There is nothing harder than wrestling with a toddler while trying to give medicine. I've tried everything! Of my three children, Ken was the worst. He would squirm and toss his head. He could get out of any hold I had on him. I quickly learned that distraction was the best policy. Having 8 children at a time in my home daycare during cold season provided many chances to practice giving medicine to toddlers. Distraction seemed to work the best. Here's a few tips you might try.

1. If the medicine can be taken with food, feed your child crackers or part of his meal to make him thirsty, then offer the medicine mixed with a small amount of something to drink. You could also try mixing the medicine into spoonfuls of food. I suggest that you mix up the flavors or even try using something that isn't a part of your regular diet. If the medicine taste overpowers the food or drink, your child may refuse that item when he's well.

2. If he's especially squirmy, give liquid medicine to your child in the tub. He'll be more relaxed and you can easily wash away the dribbles.

3. Have your child suck on a Popsicle first. The cold will dull the taste of the medicine. Sometimes we froze the medicine into a fruit cube of ice or made it a small Popsicle.

4. Try a spoonful of maple syrup or honey before giving him medicine.

5. Act matter-of-fact about giving your child medicine. Don't give subtle clues that you expect him to dislike or reject the medicine. Place it in his mouth and change the subject.

6. Find a fun special loopy straw that's designated as the "medicine" straw. Sipping medicine through this may be enough distraction to help it go down easily.

7. Serve it in a clean teacup from a play set. Girls will especially love playing tea time first and during.

8. Make it an event, with applause and lots of laughing.

9. Make it a fun game. "Take this and mommy will do this." Something like dance around the room, put pudding on your nose, paint your fingernails blue or stand on your head (if that's still possible).

I would love to hear your ideas. What do you do when your child is grumpy, sick and uncooperative about medicine?

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Tips for giving medication to infants

2011-11-01T11:41:00.000-07:00

Cold and flu season is approaching. No matter how we protect our infants, colds or other problems may surface. Perhaps you tried a natural approach but the problem got worse and now you have to give your little one some bad tasting medicine. How can you safely administer medication?

Please remember that the teaspoon we use for our hot tea is not a proper measurement for medication. Measure your child's dose with a syringe, oral dropper, round dosing spoon, or plastic medicine cup.

For Infants:

1. Use a medicine dropper. If he resists, measure the medicine into a clean bottle nipple. Wet the nipple so not much medicine will stick to it. Coat the outside of the nipple with a little honey so the infant will continue to suck. Or...use the following link to purchase a pacifier designed to give medicine - just remember the honey.

2. I used this trick several times. If you place medicine near a baby's mouth and gently blow in their face - they will naturally take a breath and the medicine is sucked into the back of the mouth.

3. When using a syringe, give your child a little at a time - this will cut down on spit up. Be sure and sterilize the syringe after.

(Never heard this one...but sounds good)
4. When giving liquid medicine or vitamins place your baby on his back and dangle a toy above his head. When he looks back and his mouth opens, quickly squirt the liquid toward the back of his cheek.

5. Lay your child on his back and put eye drops inside the corner of his eyes. When he opens his eyes the medication will gently drop into the eye.

Check back tomorrow for more tips. I have some fun ways to help toddlers take medication.

Do you have another idea for mother's of infants?

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Diapering your baby can help your relationship

2011-10-31T15:05:00.000-07:00

When a new baby enters your home, it brings the thrill of a lifetime. You have created (or adopted) a new life. You are the protector, the guide and the mentor for another human being. That precious baby will see the world based on the information you give him/her. You become a part of the overall immortal plan. Your training and teaching will determine how your child responds to life, the world, God, our country and on and on.

You also are faced with a ton of thankless, repetitive, boring and yes even disgusting tasks. You may laugh and enjoy your child but you will also clean up vomit, dirty diapers, spilled milk, food, spit....oh my, the list go on and on. One disgusted mother cried for ten minutes while she tried to tell me about her child smearing boogers under the edge of his nightstand. She was a spotless cleaner and couldn't imagine how long that ugly mess had been there or how she was going to stop the habit.

Yep....Moms, Dads - the work is overwhelming.

But...did you know that diapering your baby (disgusting or not) can help your relationship? It can actually be a relationship builder rather than a deterrent.

O.k....stop scrunching your face. I know it feels like there is nothing that can make a diarrhea diaper seem better, but hear me out.

What if you looked at this "I'm going to restrain you so I can get the chore done" time as one to talk with and play with your child? What if you viewed this as a time to teach your child? Children are restrained easier when they are distracted. If you move their attention from the nurse with the needle to the talking dolly - the chore is over and done before they know what stabbed them.

Why not use your diaper time to coo, tease and talk to your infant? Rather than rush through the chore, rub his/her little belly with cream and create a song that lasts for the entire procedure. If it builds like Old McDonald, you can add to it as the child ages. Some like this...

Chrissy loves to look at mom, look at mom, look at mom.
Chrissy loves to look at mom and kiss her mommy's nose (bend over and let her kiss your nose).

Chrissy loves to clap with mom, clap with mom, clap with mom.
Chrissy loves to clap with mom and clap away our blues. (clap your hands too.)

Chrissy loves to blink her eyes, blink her eyes, blink her eyes.

Chrissy loves to blink her eyes and wink a little too. (wink at baby)

As you coo, cuddle, sing, tickle and basically make this chore a pleasant experience - you are building a relationship with your child. You are building a one on one that will help you later on. When she's a toddler and doesn't want to sit still, you can rely on the need to sing and laugh with mommy to keep her distracted as you complete the chore. When she's sick and miserable, your interaction with your baby will keep her occupied while the chore is completed.

Make changing diapers a time of bonding, laughter and a source that builds your relationship.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Dr. Lazar responds to vaccination post.

2011-10-22T21:51:00.000-07:00

Dr. Lazar is one of the few doctors I sincerely trust. I tease him that he's like a walking medical journal. Anytime I have questions about my health, he's not only kind and explains the problem in terms I can understand - but he also supports his point with detailed medical information. He not only quotes medical studies - he usually knows who wrote them! Smart man.

I am so honored that he took the time to make a comment on the discussion we've had about vaccinations - especially for children and pregnant mothers. In case you missed it, I'll post it here as well.

A few things to keep in mind:

1.) Your doctors work for YOU. It's not the other way around. If you go to the store and don't like the service, you find a different store. To give them the benefit if the doubt, I'm sure your doctors mean well. However, they are neglecting one very important component to your family's health and well being: the body's incredible ability to heal itself.

2.) Take care of the body by feeding it and watering it properly, rest well, laugh, pray, and read your Bible, and get your nervous system (the master controller of the body) in tip top shape with regular chiropractic adjustments.

On a funny note, have you ever wondered why people who vaccinate their kids don't want unvaccinated kids around their vaccinated kids? I always ask (lovingly, of course), "If your vaccines are really effective, why would you worry about your kids being exposed to pathogens? Germs don't kill, people. It's the body's inability to fight off infection that kills. And why would your child be susceptible? Vaccines suppress the immune system. They can cause God's efficient nervous system to become a poorly functioning nervous system, and an under worked or underexposed immune system. It's much better to do the preventative work and then allow God's system to take over.

Thank you Dr. Lazar. I hope you will continue to teach us about our bodies.

Moms...I've believed (until three years ago) that going to a chiropractor and snapping your bones couldn't possibly fulfill all the claims the industry promoted. And...I guess I'm still a little uncertain (sorry Dr. Lazar) about the general field of chiropractic medicine. But....Dr. Lazar is a NUCCA chiropractor and only works on the neck. As he explains, the position of our neck determines how "pinched" or "out of order" all the blood vessels are that feed every organ in our body. There's no popping or creaking of bones. After a full examination that includes detailed x-rays - Dr. Lazar uses a very soft touch to modify how the neck supports my head - giving the many blood vessels in that area plenty of room to do their jobs.

I never feel anything. I never hear anything. But once I sit up a rush of precious healing blood flows freely to every part of my body. Within seconds I feel different! With each treatment I can tell that I am moving toward better health. I walk differently. I have more energy. My organs and limbs work better. I can concentrate easier and I have a better outlook on life. My only wish is that I would have found Dr. Lazar sooner.

If you would like to know more about this form of preventative medicine - please call Dr. Lazar at Lazar Spinal Care 734-274-5107. Lazar Spinal Care If you don't live near his office, I am sure he can recommend someone in your area.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

What a weekend!

2011-10-20T09:37:00.000-07:00

Ron and I spent 4 days at the Reclaim Management Retreat. What a fantastic time for fellowship and charging your batteries. We came home with lots of new ideas and a huge plan to deliver more content and information to you.

One of the partners of Reclaim Management is Steven Feldman. He is an Emmy award winning director. One of his newest projects has been posted on Vimeo. I encourage you to take a look. It's a song about "The Flood" and Noah.

The Flood from Enthusiastic Productions on Vimeo.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Vaccinations for children

2011-09-13T07:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, I vaccinated all my children - but....that was 30 years ago. I'm not going to tell you not to vaccinate your children but I do hope you will put on your mommy detective hat and take a look at the well known facts.

I googled "childhood vaccinations pros and cons" and came up with 148,000 sites. Whew! I googled childhood immunizations and came up with 757,000 sites. Clearly this is a huge topic.

Here's my problem. I've told you that you don't need a $200,000 degree to ask questions. I have a problem with the fact that.....yes....autism and a host of other childhood mental issues did exist in the 1800-early 1900's; but in 2000 they seem to be on a rapid and furious rise. The question then is why. Why was autism an unheard of disease in the 1950's and now it affects one in a hundred? I remember watching an Elvis movie where he helps an autistic child. I mentioned the movie in one of my psychology classes and the professor dismissed the problem as "rare". Why is it so prevalent now?

I do think most parents are too quick to give their children anything the doctor prescribes. A Parent's #1 job is to protect and defend their children. Parents must be investigators, weigh the information and be a little slower to act on the current "fad". We also need to be careful about how we gather information and make sure we are balanced mommy detectives. After all, the rise in a particular problem may have many reasons. Perhaps the rise in autism or ADD is caused by multiple factors. Some may be medical, some because of society and stress, some from daycare, some from pollution and some from preservatives. We need to be very careful not to wear blinders but instead to open our eyes to every possibility.

Having said that, Let's see if we can present a different view. Let's look first at the beginning of life.

Should a pregnant mother get a flu shot?

To answer that problem thoroughly, let's look first at the ingredients in most flu shots. The following information was taken from a publication by Tedd Koren for informational use in major medical offices.

There are 25 micrograms of mercury per dose in most flu shots (multi-dose vial). That level is judged safe by the FDA for a 550 lb. person. In 1999, Federal agencies called for the removal of mercury in vaccines. In 2001 the American Academy of Pediatrics insisted that "Mercury in all of its forms is toxic to the fetus and children." Many flu vaccines still contain mercury. Vaccine information

Some flu shot ingredients

Chicken embryos - those allergic to chicken, including eggs and feathers, can become seriously ill from the vaccination
Sodium phosphate - can affect heart and central nervous system
Sodium deoxycholate - a tumor promoter and DNA damaging agent
Mercury - a brain and nervous system toxin
Formaldehyde - cancer causing
Beta propiolactone - toxic to the liver and to the x intestinal tract
Gentamicin sulfate & polymyxin - antibiotics (doctors constantly told me not to give too many antibiotics because it would prevent them from working later on... but apparently in this form it's okay?)
Neomycin sulfate - antibiotics
MSG (monosodium glutamate) - causes brain damage in experimental animals
Gelatin - obtained from selected pieces of calf, pork and cattle skin
Polyethylene glycol-p-isooctylphenyl ether - spermacide (kills sperm); can cause chills, confusion, dizziness, fever, lightheadedness, muscle aches, peeling of the skin; causes severe eye irritation; harmful if swallowed, inhaled or in contact with skin. Manufacturer states: FOR RESEARCH USE ONLY. NOT FOR HUMAN OR DRUG USE

This list makes me angry. It also makes me wonder if the rise in Alzheimer's, ADD, hyperactivity and other mental issues hasn't been caused by our use of some of these chemicals. I eat out a lot and from now on I'm going to question the use of MSG. I had no idea it caused brain damage. Why would I want to take the chance of even a small amount of that chemical getting into my system?

If you aren't worried already....the article goes on to answer the question "Is it safe to vaccinate during pregnancy?"

Vaccination during pregnancy is dangerous and useless. Researchers found that vaccinating mothers does not reduce respiratory illness in their infants nor reduce respiratory illness in their newborns. "Maternal influenza vaccination did not significantly affect infant outpatient and inpatient visits for acute respiratory illness." Why then do some doctors recommend pregnant women eat less tuna to avoid Mercury but also recommend the Mercury-laden flu shot?

Good question. I am scheduled for a wellness clinic in Ann Arbor, Michigan September 24th. Dr. Lazar will be speaking on Vaccinations and I will be speaking on discipline. While these seem to be non-related topics, there may be more interaction than we think.

I plan to post even more information on the vaccine issue. Many problems mothers face may be linked to our desire to "prevent" medical problems. Instead of prevention, could we actually be causing other problems?

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Home preschool training is essential for better grades

2011-09-02T07:27:00.000-07:00

Punkin

Every parent wants their child to be successful in school. It's a normal leap then to think that your preschooler needs more training than you can give them. The best training may not be preschool. The best training may be a verbal mom and dad who plays with their child.

Think about what your child will need to succeed in school and couple that with all the findings about unsuccessful children. Most new studies have found 3 things that hamper a child's ability to succeed in school.

1. School demands verbal skills. Your child must be able to talk easily with others. He must communicate his thoughts to the teacher and often to other students. Eventually he will have to translate those thoughts to paper. Being able to hold a conversation, to reason and to support his idea is paramount to success in English, math and socialization.

What better way to prepare him than to make your home a verbal challenge. To keep me on the forefront of child care and to remind me of the days when my home was full of children - Every Friday I care for a 14 month old for a teacher friend of mine. "Punkin" (don't want to use real name on Internet) arrived this morning and after a little play time we had a snack of toast and juice. It reminded me of how much I talk to children. I pointed to everything in the room and gave it a name. We played "my name - your name". Every time he picked up a cut square of bread, I said the word "toast". When he chewed I remarked, "Yum, good chewing." When he sipped his juice I smiled and said, "Yum good juice". When he offered me a piece of toast, I said, "thank you."

Talk, talk, talk. Even when he was done, I continued to talk about what I was doing. "Let's put the dishes away shall we? Can you find your truck? Debbie's making bubbles. Do you like bubbles?" My little shadow and I were having long conversations even if he couldn't respond. He smiled, he giggled, he touched the bubbles. HE WAS LEARNING. He was learning how to have a conversation, how to be interactive and more importantly - he was putting a label on his world. He was learning words and their meaning even before he can say those words.

2. Today's children have low scores in Reading/English and math. Children need to learn how to reason so they can accomplish problem solving in math and see connections in stories and society. When I tell "Punkin", let's move your toddler chair over here so we don't trip over it...I'm teaching him to prepare. I'm also teaching him to see a problem before it becomes a problem which will in turn help him to be a good problem solver. When we stop the day to dance to classical music, I'm providing mathematical imprints in the brain. When I make up a story using "Punkin" as the main character, I'm encouraging the love of reading and the desire to hear stories.

3. Children can't study properly when they aren't accepted socially. Helping your child to understand the process of conversations and how to converse with others will ultimately help him make friends at school. Teaching your child to make friends can be extremely valuable when he interacts with his teacher, the assistant and other students. "Punkin, I love your hugs. Punkin, thank you for the toy. Punkin, can you help Debbie put this away? Yeah Punkin!....you did it!

Unfortunately, sometimes (not always) when children are placed in preschool, they learn their letters, their numbers and listen to wonderful stories....but that individual care, that barrage of language and training doesn't happen. It's not that teachers aren't doing their job...they are. It's simple mathematics. A teacher and assistant can't give your child the one on one training when there are also 10 other children in the room. I'm not saying you have to be a stay at home mom...but I am asking you to look at what your child needs to succeed. If your child is happy in preschool - great! Just be sure when he comes home that you are a language machine, teaching him the extra lessons that will help him be his best in school.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Tenderness and Love - The best parenting tool of all

2011-08-30T19:51:00.000-07:00

The first three years of a baby's life is consumed bonding with Mom, Dad and close relatives. They snuggle, coo, laugh and fall asleep contented to be in your lap. A baby's mind is learning to trust you as his protector while developing a strong bond to look to you as his teacher and mentor. Touch becomes an important tool of communication. Your main job is not to mess that up. When he's able to move about, you must instruct your baby about his new world. That often means that you will have to use the word "no." Anytime you reprimand him, you must always use a template of tenderness and love.

Push his little hand away from the stove while you repeat the word "no". Make sure he understands how dangerous it is to get near the stove. When you are finished instructing him, kiss that little hand. Tenderly let him know that he is loved and that your only reason for intervention is because you want to protect him.

Continue to use this template for every instruction you give your child. While there may be times when you have to be a little more harsh in order to get the message across - never leave his presence without a wink, a dash of tenderness and some type of kiss or hug. Your child must always be assured that you love him. Even when he moves into the toddler age and begins to explore the world around him - most of the time they continue to look for Moms or Dads face for approval. Forever they are linked to their parents with an insatiable desire for approval and acceptance.

Why is this so important? Once the template is used....once it's firmly in place....it will guide you all through his life. Even when the strands of anger or rebellion enter his teen life - he will remember that he is loved and he will fight to maintain that love. I know it seems like his anger is more important - but I've never met a child (or adult for that matter) that doesn't desire parent approval even when it isn't expressed externally. The only time I've seen that desire destroyed is when a parent hasn't respected the template or when they have allowed the child to be disrespected, hurt or abused.

The most success I've ever had in calming down stress and anger between parent and child is when a parent has used this "template" of tenderness and love during the course of a child's life. When tempers flare all it takes is for Mom or Dad to place a loving hand on the child's shoulder and anger will start to dissipate. Children who have been raised on tenderness and love - even when home rules are strict - those children will almost always respond favorably to a resurgence of love.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

How to survive a long car trip with young children

2011-08-23T14:29:00.000-07:00

Help! My husband and I are going to drive 800 miles to grandma's for Labor Day. We have three children ages 3, 5 and 8. They are active and we worry that the trip will be unbearable. Please tell me you have suggestions to help us survive.

I’m so glad you asked this question. Most parents gear their vacations for family fun but neglect to consider the attention levels and physical endurance of their children. The extended excitement an adult feels can't be sustained by a small child. While you may think the anticipation of riding grandma’s new horse is anticipation enough to keep you excited on a 12 hour car ride, a child’s excitement for one goal will only last about 20 minutes at most. After that, the immediate needs will kick in and if you are not prepared it’s going to be a long boring, frustrating ride.

Until high school and the training it takes to stay focused on long term projects, children have a difficult time with long range goals. It’s good to have the goal of “When we get to grandma’s we can do…” but you must also have 30 minute goals. Don’t dumb down your child by simply putting on video after video until you arrive. The day after “couch potato” day can be very difficult as well. It’s much better to keep your child moving and thinking even in a car.

Fun can be achieved even on a 12 hour car ride...but you must be creative and prepared.
1. Be sure your children have had a good nights sleep and a good breakfast before you start. I know this sounds simplistic, but I've talked to a lot of parents who say they like to start the vacation with a bang. They suspend all rules (which isn't exactly bad) and let their child stay up the night before watching movies. They hope they will sleep the next day and give mom and dad a peaceful ride. They each grab at donuts and then try to stay calm and focused the rest of the day. Nope....sorry....won't work. Most children respond to headaches and tummy aches by being agitated and out of sorts. It's much better for children to get their proper rest and a filling meal.

2. Make sure each child has what they need to feel comfortable. Personal pillow, blanket, a cuddle toy or maybe comfy slippers. If possible, give each child their own space and room for their own belongings. Tight cramped uncomfortable seating will deliver a miserable ride.

3. Make sure you have lots of fun music. Even with seat belt laws you can teach your children to do what I call “Chair dancing”. Get them to move their feet and hands around in specific motions. If you do this every 30 minutes or so, you can avoid that antsy feeling children get when they’ve been still way too long.

4. Make a chart that children can see and look forward to. List times for Chair dancing, verbal games and bathroom breaks. If there are any fun stops along the way list those as well. The smaller the increment between interesting things to do, the quicker time will pass for your child. Be sure and also schedule quiet time, book time, snacks and naps. THIS IS NOT A WRITTEN IN STONE SCHEDULE. If you’ve planned book time and your child is having fun with a hand held game…don’t interrupt. Your written schedule is just a suggestion of the things you have in your bag of tricks and when to use them.

5. Try to pick sleepy time snacks. Your child won’t be ruined by one day of different eating routines. If a full tummy helps your child relax and sleep, don’t insist on a salad or simple carrot sticks. Let him have the large shake if it means he will sleep a little longer and give the driver uninterrupted quiet time.

6. When I took trips with my three children, I packed each one an activity bag. The bag included favorite cups, toys, activities and at least two new things. With these bags I could call "activity time" and each child could do something they wanted to do. After all, not every child will want to color. Perhaps your three year old will want to color while your 8 year old will want to thread a new beaded bracelet.

7. Make sure there is family time. Present a snack of some kind and talk with the children. Ask them all kinds of questions followed by a tickle session or a contest for the best joke. My children loved the silly songs of Ray Stevens. Even at 4 Ken would try to sing along or would laugh at the silliness of the song. If you have fun, your children will too. Don't anticipate a bad ride. Instead lead your children in a chorus of laughter as you ride through each town.

8. Teach your children to look around, enjoy the view and pay attention to the scenery. Make a bingo game that has a different object in each square. Laminate the cards so each child can use an oil pencil to mark on the lamination. This can be wiped off and the game used over and over. My children loved looking for lakes, tractors, water towers, bridges, churches, cows, red cars, schools, and restaurants we had never heard of. Ron said it was also helpful that they were on the lookout for firetrucks and police cars.

9. While most men don't like to stop a lot and you certainly don't want to extend trip time....it is helpful for children to stop at regular times. Make it a game to see how quickly each of you can get inside, go to the restroom, get a drink of water and get back to the car. Perhaps the one with the most wins from the day will receive a small prize or an extra dollar to spend during the vacation.

10. We liked to play the "Did you know" game. This game helped to prepare my children to see grandparents they really didn't know. It's played like 20 questions only it has to be something about the people you are visiting. I still remember the look of awe on my twins faces when they learned Grandpa went to France after he was drafted. Their eyes grew big when they discovered he cooked for 500 men. I'll never forget Jamie asking Grandma why she didn't give up and let grandpa do all the cooking.

I think the most important piece of advice I can share with you is to stop thinking of the ride as a possible problem. Instead, try to understand how hard it might be for your children and get creative in how you can help them enjoy the ride. Rather than thinking how you can "punish" them into being quiet; try to invent creative ways to help all of you have a great time!

Have fun and enjoy the ride.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Screaming pre-teens

2011-06-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

Did you know that the frustrated screams of the pre-teen and teen were actually set in motion when your child was a toddler?

What? No one told me that.

How we handle frustration or anger is a learned response.

Handling conflict properly is a trait that every parent teaches whether you know it or not. This particular trait is one that is "just in the air". Most traits have areas that you child won't pick up just by being around you and therefore you must spend 50% or more of your time teaching them how to acquire the proper trait.

Handling frustration and confrontation is a bit different. How we handle frustration is 90% learned through observation and only 10% taught. That means that no matter how much you insist that your child remain calm during confrontational times....if you lose your temper - so will they. If your first response to a difficult situation is to throw barbs, your child will too. If your immediate response to an accident is to demean the individual, your child will learn to do the same. If you use guilt as a means to try to control your child, they will learn to heap guilt on you as well.

In order to prevent the out of control outburst of the preteen and teen years, begin teaching your child at an early age to do the following when facing stressful situations.

1. Take a deep breath before you speak or make any sounds.
2. Ask questions first so you can get all the information you need to react properly.
3. If the situation is scary - express how you feel in soft tones first, then try to evaluate the situation. This will help the other person understand that your fear will cause you to respond differently.
4. Force yourself to talk slowly so you won't elevate the situation to a screaming match.
5. Take a moment to think before addressing the problems. This will also allow the other party to calm down.
6. Never bring personal attacks into a "problem solving" situation.
7. End every confrontation with a compliment and a hug.

But what if my child is older? Is there still time to fix the problem. My child is already screaming and it's driving me crazy. I'm not sure either one of us is going to make it to the teen years.

It's going to be harder to correct a bad habit that is already ingrained, but it can be done. Just remember that it won't take place overnight. Especially since you are trying to change your own habits while you are teaching your child a new habit.

First of all....make it fun. Make a game out of responding properly. Place a large poster board somewhere out of sight to visitors. Keeping a chart of outbursts for each person is vital to the game.

Start small - everyday with only four arguments wins a red star. 7 red stars equals pizza.
The next week the goal would be only 3 arguments would win a red star.

Every argument where you or your child remembers to close his mouth, take a deep breath first and then speak in soft tones.....earns a gold star. 7 gold stars wins a movie rental.

Reaching big goals should be accompanied with a highly desired prize. Something like a special outing, a party with friends or an item that's not normally in the budget.

There also has to be a negative to the game. Every outburst of temper or yelling costs a quarter. At the end of the week the quarters are given to the person with the least amount of outbursts.

You get the idea. Make curbing your temper and your voice a game. It will be easier to get the message across if both parties play the game.

Remember that the purpose of this game is to change not only your life, but the life of your child. Learning how to handle conflicts and frustrations will....
help your relationship with them
help them at school
help them in their faith
help them in their marriage
help them with their children
help them on the job
and make them better citizens....

You can do it! You can change your child's life in a huge way.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Gifted Children

2011-06-21T09:01:00.000-07:00

Parents of gifted children are proud of their accomplishments.....until there's a personality or social problem. I've often heard mother's of gifted children remark, "Sometimes I wish he was just average. At least then I could reach him."

It's often hard for gifted children to respond to social interactions properly. That's when it's important for parents to get down on their level, see the world from their viewpoint and then develop a plan to help them deal with their issues. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying we should leave them where they are or give them an excuse to continue bad behavior.

What we should do is "train" and help them to understand their own feelings. This understanding can often help them respond properly to the world they live in.

The following characteristics are not always present in every gifted children. Don't worry or search deeper for them if they aren't readily seen. Use the following simply as a guide to help you understand your child and as a guideline to help you parent a gifted child properly. Just as you shouldn't punish a child for being a child....you also shouldn't punish a gifted child for being gifted. Instead, look for ways to help them use the special gifts they have to respond and excel socially.

Your Child's Characteristic
1. Keen observer; naively receptive; sense of the significant; willing to consider the unusual.

Possible Problems:
1. Overly intense focus; expects others to see the same significance; occasional gullibility.

Your Child's Characteristic

2. Inquisitive attitude, intellectual curiosity; intrinsic motivation.

Possible Problems:

2. Asks embarrassing questions; seems strong-willed and may resist direction; excessive in interests and behaviors; may be less influenced by extrinsic rewards.

Your Child's Characteristic

3. Ability in abstraction, conceptualization, synthesis; interest in inductive learning and problem solving; enjoys intellectual activity.

Possible Problems:

3. Rejection or omission of detail; may resist practice or drill on basics; questions teaching procedures; divergent thinking may not be appreciated.

Your Child's Characteristic

4. Interest and ability to see cause-effect relations; enjoys considering concepts; love of truth and fair play.

Possible Problems:

4. Difficulty in accepting the illogical - such as feelings, traditions or matters to be taken "on faith"; difficulty in being practical; worry about humanitarian concerns.

Your Child's Characteristic

5. Desires consistency in value systems, behaviors and what is learned; enjoys organizing things or people into structure and order.

Possible Problems:

5. Tends to construct complicated rules or systems; May be seen as bossy, rude or domineering; may try to organize others.

Your Child's Characteristic

6. Acquires and retains information quickly.

Possible Problems:

6. Impatient with slowness of others; dislikes routine and drill; may resist mastering foundation skills; may make concepts unduly complex.

Your Child's Characteristic

7. Large vocabulary and verbal proficiency; facile in expression; interest in reading; broad information in advanced areas.

Possible Problems:

7. Need for specialized early reading and vocabulary; parent/teacher resistance to reading; uses words to escape or avoid situations; becomes bored with school and age-peers; seen by others as a "know it all".

Your Child's Characteristic

8. Thinks critically; has high expectancies; is self-critical and evaluates others.

Possible Problems:

8. Critical or intolerant toward others; may seek perfection; overly self critical; may become discouraged or depressed.

Your Child's Characteristic

9. Creative and inventive; likes new ways of doing things.

Possible Problems:

9. Need to invent for oneself; may reject what is already known; may disrupt customs or plans of others; rejects cliches; seen by others as different or out of step.

Your Child's Characteristic

10. Intense concentration and long attention span; persistent, goal-directed behavior.

Possible Problems:

10. Resists interruption; neglects other duties or people during periods of focused interests; stubbornness.

Your Child's Characteristic

11. Sensitivity, intuitiveness, empathy for others; wants to be accepted by others.

Possible Problems:

11. Sensitivity to criticism; vulnerability to peer rejection; need for success and recognition; conformity and underachievement; need for peer relations in many types of groups; expects others to have the same values and outlook on the world; may feel different and alienated.

Your Child's Characteristic

12. High energy, alertness, eagerness; periods of intense efforts preceding invention.

Possible Problems:

12. Frustration with inactivity or absence of progress; eagerness may disrupt others' schedules; needs continual stimulation; may be seen as hyperactive.

Your Child's Characteristic

13. Independent in work and study; prefers individualized work; self-reliant; needs freedom for movement and action.

Possible Problems:

13. May reject parent and peer group pressures; non-conformity or rebellion; may drift into unconventional interest areas.

Your Child's Characteristic

14. Versatility and diversity of interests and abilities; many hobbies; proficient in art forms such as music and drawing.

Possible Problems:

14. May appear scattered and disorganized; lack of homogeneity in group work; seeks flexibility and individualization; frustrations over lack of time; others may expect him to always be competent.

Your Child's Characteristic

15. Strong sense of humor; ability to laugh at self.

Possible Problems:

15. Sees absurdities of situations; inflicts puns on others; humor not understood by peers; may use humor to avoid problems; may become "Class clown" to gain peer approval.

As I said before....these characteristics and the problems they may cause are general and not present in every gifted child. I would suggest that you use the information first by praying and asking God for wisdom, then by observing (this should be a constant practice), keep your evaluations to yourself but compare them to the above list and finally put all the information together and create a plan that will best serve the personality of your child. My prayer is that this information will help you "lovingly" parent your child.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Example of Mommy Detective at work

2011-05-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

Several people have asked me for an example of what I do. In order to protect the individuals, all identifying details have been changed.

A young mother from another state called to see if I could help her adopted daughter. She was only three days old when they received custody. She spent most of her infant life in and out of a famous research hospital.  Her real mother was on crack during pregnancy and the child was born addicted.  There were many medical problems but once she was stabilized, every issue was resolved.

At age two and a half she was introduced to food.  Every time she tried to eat something of substance she would throw up. Mom was a wreck. The child had gone through all kinds of medical testing to determine possible digestive problems. When everything checked out normal she went through all kinds of behavioral testing. Mom, Dad and child returned to the world renowned hospital and saw several behaviorist. They tried several things in their offices but the final conclusion was to bring the child to the clinic once a month for intravenous feedings. Otherwise she would never have the nutrients to grow properly.
Mom was beside herself with worry. She heard about me and begged me to help.  I told her I didn’t know if I could but I would love to come to supper. She laughed and said, “Supper?”

“Of course. How else am I supposed to see what’s going on if I don’t watch the actual situation? I need to come at least 30 minutes ahead of time so I can see your family in action. I don’t want to talk about the problem but rather want to be treated like a friend who came to supper.” She agreed.

I arrived early and watched as the family prepared for supper. The child happily drank milk from a bottle.  Mom introduced the sippy cup and insisted that she try it. She glanced at me and whispered, "I know I need to get her off the bottle but I worry about it. That's the only nutrition that she actually receives. How can I take that away?" When the child fussed, mom gave in and returned the bottle.  Tears ran down her cheeks as she glanced at me and rushed around the kitchen preparing supper.

The child sat at the table and took a few bites of pudding. She mushed it around in her mouth like any child would do. She played with small bites of regular food pushing them around the plate with her spoon. Mom and Dad continued to urge her to eat. Finally she put the small bite of food in her mouth.  Within seconds she gagged and threw up the milk, pudding and bites. Mom hysterically grabbed her and ran for the bathroom. She cleaned her and prepared her for bed. She was given a clean bottle and lots of attention. Dad cleaned up the table and looked exhausted and tired.

Mom hugged me and cried on my shoulder. "Please, can you help us? I don't know what to do?"
"I don't know if I can. I need some time." I thanked them for supper, collected her medical papers to study and told them I wanted a week to pray and think about it.

A week later I called mom and told her I would take the case. I asked if I could come for supper again. I also asked if I could bring my poodle. I arrived an hour early so the child and I could play with my dog Bandit.

I brought a large chart to be hung on the wall. I explained that their hysteria about the situation only made it worse. Their child was taking her clues from them and the more nervous they were the worse they made the situation. If she threw up at supper, they were to sit still and let me show them how to handle the situation.

I also brought a box of small baggies. Everything the child ate from now on must be measured. If we decided to introduce some new food, it would have to be cut into small bites, counted out and put in a baggie. The child would be given the baggie and what she ate would be recorded.

The chart had spaces for each day and a listing of what she ate during that day. Everything that went into her mouth was to be counted and listed - no matter how small or insignificant. If she ate three small pieces of cereal today and yesterday only had two small pieces – then we were making progress. The chart was more for mom and Dad to see the progress that was being made and therefore would keep them calm and not so worried. It would also be something they could show to the doctor and hopefully avoid those dreaded IV’s.

My research revealed that the child was in and out of the hospital so much that “chunks” of food wasn’t introduced until she was almost two and a half. Babies have a window of curiosity about food. If that curiosity window is missed, it is possible that the child will “learn” to prefer liquids to solids. Chewing is a learned response that happens very early and usually accompanies teething. Add to that the possibility that she had an extremely sensitive gag reflex that could be triggered by un-chewed food and voila – vomiting would occur. On the previous visit when I watched the child attempt chunks of food – I didn’t see chewing. Instead the child pushed chunks of food around in her mouth as if it were pudding. My goal then was to teach the child how to chew.

Have you ever seen a dog chew? He uses his back teeth and curls his lip so it’s easy to see the chewing process. That was perfect for showing a child what to do. Besides, dogs are fun for three year olds.

First I held Bandit until the child was comfortable with her. Then I sat on the floor and showed the child how Bandit loved to eat. I brought Captain Crunch peanut butter cereal. It was small enough for the child to eat, would crumble fairly easily and Bandit loved it.

I let Bandit have a piece and I laughed hard. "Look! Look at how Bandit chews. Isn't that funny." The child giggled and pointed to Bandit. I used every trick I had to appear fun, animated and excited. My eyes were wide, I was smiling ear to ear and I clapped and laughed for every chew. The child wanted to feed Bandit as well. I let her give Bandit one piece and we all clapped and laughed.

I immediately changed the rules. "Oh wow! Let's play a game. Bandit loves games. No one can feed her unless we eat one first and chew like Bandit. Daddy, come sit by me and let's see if you can chew like Bandit." Dad sat on the floor and I gave him a piece of cereal. He curled his lips and chewed loudly. We all clapped and laughed. Then he gave a piece to Bandit and we all clapped and laughed again.

Mom leaned over the counter and said, "Can I try?" I gave her a piece and we repeated the same scenario. The child was wildly excited and wanted to try. I gave her a piece and she immediately wanted to feed the dog. I stopped her by gently placing my hand over hers. "No darling, that's not the game. Watch Debbie. I took her piece and ate it (clapping and laughing) and then gave another piece to Bandit. "You have to eat a piece like Bandit so she will know what to do. Can you chew like Bandit?"

The child smiled and shook her head yes. "You will have to show your teeth like Daddy did.   Daddy, show me your teeth." Daddy chomped his teeth together and I laughed and clapped. "Look at my teeth." I chomped and clapped. I opened my hand with a piece of cereal. "You can't feed Bandit anymore unless you can chomp your teeth like Daddy." The child grabbed the piece of cereal and chomped like Daddy. I went wild. I clapped and laughed. Mom and Dad clapped and laughed. I quickly handed the child another piece. "Quick, feed Bandit before she forgets how to chew!" The child fed Bandit and clapped and giggled while she chewed.

For 15 minutes we played the game. It even included Dad being so excited that I asked him to stand on his head. We had a laughing rip roaring good time. And...I counted 18 pieces of cereal that she ate.

Supper was ready and we sat down to eat. Mom had trouble smiling without tearing up. Both Mom and Dad wanted to talk about what had happened but I steered the conversation to a more generic topic. I didn't want the child to hear us talking about her situation. Instead I continued the game. When Mom sat the plate in front of her child, I intervened and asked her to keep it beside her instead. "Let's play the Bandit game while we eat." Three adults sat through an entire dinner eating loudly and chomping like dogs.

The child wanted to play. I had mom give her one bite at a time.  We all watched, clapped and laughed as she happily chomped away. She had five bites of dinner, two bites of pudding and then hopped down to play with the dog. This was the biggest solid meal of her life - and no throwing up.

While planning this possible solution I had to be concerned not only about teaching the child to chew, but also all the things that might go wrong. For example, what if the gag reflex was the biggest problem? She might try to chew and swallow but as the pieces of food scraped along the throat, the new sensation might cause her to gag. That would be disastrous to my plan. The loud clapping, cheering and laughing - along with the excitement of watching Bandit should have been enough to distract her from new sensations in the throat. A three year old's attention span is about 45 seconds long. I needed more time than that to introduce a new habit. Bandit knew several tricks and if the child lost interest in chewing, I could introduce a new trick to catch her attention. Asking the parents to be involved not only kept them from being nervous, it provided a plan for them later - along with lifting the spirits of everyone in the room. We took a normally "downer difficult" situation and transformed it into a party like atmosphere.

I promised to come back in a week and told the parents to call me if they had problems. They were to continue the "party" atmosphere as long as it took to make sure the child didn't gag and learned to chew.  I also gave them instructions on how to introduce new foods and at what texture level to introduce them.

The mother called me 6 days later with a problem. "I don't know what to do. She is eating great! She hasn't thrown up at all and I'm already amazed at how much she is eating."

"I'm confused then....what's the problem?"

"She loves pizza and that's all she wants. She eats the other stuff I present but she whines and cries for pizza. What should I do?"

I laughed out loud and congratulated her. "Welcome to the world of normal parenting!"

Being a Mommy Detective means that you look for clues to your child's behavior. Most of the time it's not obvious and it's not what we think the problem is. Children often get all mixed up in their evaluation of the new world around them. It's our job as parents to find out the "real cause" for their problem and introduce a creative way to solve those issues.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

You can be a scientist- no experience necessary

2011-05-06T11:42:00.000-07:00

Just a few days ago Fox news announced a new study had been released on the effects of parents allowing their children to drink alcohol at home. The report proved that children who watched their parents drink or had free access to alcohol - those children often had problems and/or addictions to alcohol.

Well duh! Of course, that's a contradiction to the studies that came out 15 years ago informing parents that it would desensitize children to alcohol if you didn't make it a taboo. If they were allowed to try it or had access to alcohol that they would be less likely to become alcoholics. After taking that advice we now have the largest young drinkers ever in this country.

I'm having a real problem with scientists. My grandmother (who only finished the 10th grade) was right about life choices more times than any scientific research to come out since the 40's. First it's okay to smoke, then it's not. It's okay to use saccharine then it's not because it will give you cancer. Now it's okay again. First eggs are bad and will increase your cholesterol, then it's not the egg it's your physical makeup, then it's your heredity. First plastic is good, then it's bad, then it's good but only if you don't use the microwave. Now it's only good if it's BPH clear but only on Saturdays during months with r's. Ahhhh....!!!  Scientific data seems to reflect the opinions of the researcher and is only as reliable as he is. I rarely pay attention to those people anymore. They will get you into trouble and they don't have to suffer the consequences.

I think it's much better to be my own scientist. I do what they do and it gives me the assurance that I'm living the life I should. Now, don't get me wrong - I haven't turned them off completely. I still listen to what they "think" they've found, but I test it against what I have proven to be true.

So what do they do? They ask questions, think outside the box and always wonder why. They search for every fact no matter how small and assemble those pieces like a big jigsaw puzzle.

That's it! It doesn't take a degree to be a researcher. It does take a degree to know how to mix chemicals or how to develop medicine for diseases.  But...the beginning process -ESPECIALLY FOR SOCIAL PROBLEMS -that doesn't take a genius to see the answers clearly.

Let's try a problem and see how we do.

There's a group of psychiatrists that believe the best way to have a healthy marriage is to be willing to allow your partner to have an affair.

1. It seems the first puzzle piece we need to look at is how many people who have had affairs end their marriage in divorce. After all, it can't possibly be healthy for your marriage if your marriage ultimately ends in divorce.

2. Even if your partner agrees that it's okay to have an affair....are there any consequences for the individual.

          a. diseases
          b. harbored guilt
          c. mixed emotions
         d. can you really let go and return to your spouse without feelings of loss or desires that remain?
          e. fear of rejection from others who do think it's wrong
          f. fear of family members or children who may find out
          g. fear of God's judgement (if you believe in God)
          h. makes it easier to ultimately leave because the tight bonds with your spouse are now broken
          i.   makes it easier to leave because you have somewhere to go

We could probably go on and on with this list. While this list would stop me cold....those who believe in this foolish plan lose me with the first reason they give for having an affair. "By having the freedom to have an affair, you will lose the taboo feeling that feeds your desires to be with other people. You will feel free and therefore will come back to your spouse a stronger person. You will appreciate what you have and therefore will return to him/her because you want to not because you have to."

What nonsense! There again let's look at all the facts.

1. The fact that anyone feels they need to have an affair says a lot about their commitment level. Duh! They have none. That means they can't be trusted. Who would ever want to base building a family unit on the shoulders of someone who probably won't be there when the going gets tough!

2. It's totally selfish! There's no mention of what this would do to the spouse, the children, the extended family, their faith, their friends - and the possibility of illegitimate children that would be born into this lunatic situation.

Okay...okay....you get the idea.

Our world has become complicated because we have so much information at our fingertips. If you want to do something that will totally ruin your life - there are thousands of idiots on line that will be glad to tell you to go ahead and do it....you deserve it....you should....

It's important to stop and ask yourself why anyone would want to advise you to do something that will mess up your life? It's probably because they've messed up theirs so badly that they can't admit it. So they lie. They tell you it's wonderful and for a split second their pain is soothed. Unfortunately, when you believe them you are often sucked into a world of hurt for yourself and if you can't get out of the spiral you become one of the many voices of evil as well.

"Know the Truth and the Truth will set you free." Finding and following the truth is never easy. Most of the time we have to deny our wants and often our needs in order to find Truth. It's sad that people who have had a great life free from all the nasty trappings and free from horrible consequences - it's sad that they don't hop up on the soapbox and yell to the world - "Hey you....over here....I've got the answers!"

Please be good to your children. Determine that you will be a scientist. Determine that you and your children will be on a quest for Truth.

It is true that because we are humans, we will always make mistakes. Even if they are small - we will certainly have regrets. If you take the time to talk to people who are disciplined and have found the "Truth" in their lives....you will experience a burst of fresh air - a person who has missed the really devious evil of life and has the joy of knowing they did it right. Be that kind of person. Show your child how to be that kind of person.

You can be a scientist.....you can do it right....your life can be one of joy, contentment and peace. Your children can have lives of purpose, laughter, achievement and great contentment. You can reach retirement age and look back on a life well lived.

I have made the journey and I often look back on my life with great contentment. I wouldn't trade a disciplined, "No thank you, I'm not going to do that..." kind of life for any feel good moment. You may think you need that lift from a drink or smoke or sexual act. I can assure you those few moments of "feel good" doesn't hold a candle to looking back on a life of great contentment and joy.

My mother became a preacher when she was only 8 years old.  She traveled with my grandmother all across the South holding tent revivals and preaching God's word. Of course she was made fun of. Of course it was hard. She tells the story of being a teen and watching a very popular young girl at school wishing she could be a care free as she was. All the boys liked her and she was very popular with the girls. She made fun of mother and her clothes and the Bible that stuck out of her purse. Mother took it and moved on confident that her life was exactly what God meant for her to do.

Several years later she returned to that town for a revival. It had been a wonderful week with many people saved. The pastor asked her to go with him and some of the youth to do a service at the jailhouse. She sang, played the accordion and had an alter call. There were sneers from the back of the room where some of the young girls were taunting mother. The girls had been arrested for prostitution. Bravely mother walked to the back and saw the young girl from school. The young girl had tears in her eyes but forced them back and defiantly said, "I'll bet you wish you could be me." Mother smiled and said, "I'll pray for you. I'll pray for all of you."

She left the building knowing that the young girl had it wrong. Mother could have been just like her. Mother could have made decisions that would have taken her down the same road.  The hard reality is that both women clearly understood that while mother could have been just like that young girl -- the young girl would never be able to be mother.  For sure, God could save her and she would have a better life from then on - but the past would remain. The hurts and sorrows and harsh living would forever be a part of her.

That's the problem with not having the truth or not sharing the truth with our children. When you don't speak up, your children march down roads of destruction and lose a large part of their lives.

I think instead of being so politically correct and instead of trying not to hurt any one's feelings - perhaps we need to instruct our children to keep it quiet and to themselves, but to be proud of the fact that their mistakes are minor. Be proud of the fact that you've never had hard liquor. Be proud of the fact that you are virgin when you marry. Be proud of the fact that you've never smoked or cussed or stole even so much as a pencil. Teach your children to live clean lives and be proud of those clean lives and you will give them the greatest gift on earth - a life well lived!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Precious Pointer #14 - Make learning fun

2011-05-03T18:09:00.000-07:00

The most well rounded children and adults I know are people who have found the key to make learning fun. Learning is necessary for every area of our lives. In order to be the best we can be...we must learn our crafts and areas of talent as well as all types of circulating information.

Children have a hard time understanding that learning the basics will help them in their adult lives. Learning things like all the presidents names or countries of the world - can feel unnecessary and boring to a 12 year old. Yet, an adult listening to the news about Germany will feel different if he actually knows where Germany is located in relation to his own world. An adult who knows the different presidents will feel comfortable discussing politics at a crowded social function.

I've found a wonderful on line tool that you can use to help your child remember boring facts. Sporcle.com is a website full of timed games that will help your child memorize boring facts. For example, under the history tab is a game for U.S. Presidents. The game presents a blank list to fill in with presidents names. You can go as far as you can and then click -"give up". The rest of the names will be displayed giving you a chance to look them over. Since I had long forgotten the presidents, I've been playing this game. My first goal was to simply fill in the blanks before the time ended. Then my goal was to do it in shorter and shorter time. Finally, I tried to do it in order and in the shortest time possible.

I'm a big fan of flash cards and used them often to help my children learn facts for a test. We would play games and flip them in a wide array of possibilities. Sporcle gives you faster more exciting games and will keep your child entertained while he is learning.

I can hear all you moms sighing. "More video games - ugh!" The plus to this game is that you can use it as a preliminary to homework. Allow three tries an only three tries every night before homework time. A quick use of these games can jump start your child's thinking process and concentration. And...over time your child will learn valuable facts about presidents or whatever you choose.

I suggest that you run a contest with everyone in the family - mom and Dad included - to see who learns one of the games first.

Be sure to add plenty of giggles and laughing along the way :)

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Precious Pointer #13 Investigating your child's anger

2011-04-05T18:16:00.000-07:00

Precious Pointer #13 Investigate why your child is angry.

It's easy for a parent to assume that children are always angry because they "are being bad". Most of the time that's not the reason. Children want to obey. Children want to have their needs met. Children want to "fit" in their world. When something is wrong - say a headache from allergies - they often become agitated rather than asking you why. All they understand is that they don't feel good and they are missing out on play time or time with friends.

Before you punish your child...find out "why" they are angry or misbehaving. Unless you know the "why" you will never be able to design a solution to the problem.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Baby Grabs Surgeon's Hand before being born.

2011-03-30T11:12:00.000-07:00

My Dad has been a minister for over 60 years. Most of his sermons are memorable and have added so much to my life. One however, is often the reason I become angry while dealing with some folks. It amazes me that so many people can deny good research so that their unsustainable viewpoints look better. They make fun of research or happenings. They distort information or at the very least refuse to include it in their theories.

My Dad's sermon was about the sin of lying. I believe he used the verse in Revelations 21:8 "But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars--their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death."

His point with this sermon was that if you lie - you go to Hell. No way out of that one. But...what constitutes a lie? Most people know the answer to that one but Dad added something that has haunted me all my life. He taught that if you simply misrepresented the truth, you were actually lying. So if Dad asked me if I read a book and I said yes - knowing that I had only read half the book - not all of it - I was lying. Not because I didn't tell the truth - after all I did read part of the book. I was lying because I lead him to believe something that wasn't true. I knew he was asking about the entire book and by not offering the exact truth, I lead him to believe a lie.

Whoa.....that's hard. Now as an adult I see how very important that is. Every time another person leads us to believe a lie, we become part of the tangled web. Take a moment and think about all the lies that have affected our lives. I've known many Christians who like to think they are being kind by supporting a woman's right to have an abortion. They conveniently look the other way when some new truth supports the idea that abortion is actually the killing of a human life.

A friend sent this to Ron and then it made it's way to me. It is proof that babies in the womb are more than just a collection of cells. It is a baby. Please read to the end and gaze at the fantastic picture of one human connecting with another.

A picture began circulating in November. It should be 'The Picture of the Year,' or perhaps, 'Picture of the Decade.' It won't be. In fact, unless you obtained a copy of the US paper which published it, you probably would never have seen it.

The picture is that of a 21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel Alexander Armas,who is being operated on by surgeon named Joseph Bruner.

The baby was diagnosed with Spina bifida and would not survive if removed from his mother's womb. Little Samuel's mother, Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse in Atlanta. She knew of Dr. Bruner's remarkable surgical procedure. Practicing at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, he performs these special operations while the baby is still in the womb...

During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via C-section and makes a small incision to operate on the baby. As Dr.Bruner completed the surgery on Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny, but fully developed hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger.. DrBruner was reported as saying that when his finger was grasped, it was the most emotional moment of his life, and that for an instant during the procedure he was just frozen, totally immobile.

The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity. The editors titled the picture, 'Hand of Hope.' The text explaining the picture begins, 'The tiny hand of 21-week-old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the mother's uterus to grasp the finger of Dr.. Joseph Bruner as if thanking the doctor for the gift of life.'

Little Samuel's mother said they 'wept for days' when they saw the picture. She said, 'The photo reminds us pregnancy isn't about disability or an illness, it's about a little person.'Samuel was born in perfect health, the operation 100 percent successful.

Don't tell me our God isn't an awesome God!!!!!

If you google this story you will find that even with pictures....this story has been disputed. And even the doctor refuses to see the miracle and instead quotes medical training rather than admit it was a miracle.

Truth or Fiction states "The picture became a sensation as a forwarded email especially among opponents of abortion. The surgeon, Dr. Bruner, told USA Today in 2000 that the picture was being treated like an urban legend and that he'd even received a report that a team of medical experts had called it a hoax. Bruner confirmed that the surgery and the photo were real but said that it was "not true" that the baby reached out of the womb and grabbed his hand, as some of the forwarded emails alleged. "Samuel and his mother, Julie, were under anesthesia and could not move," he said. "The baby did not reach out. The baby was anesthetized. The baby was not aware of what was going on."

Michael Clancy, who owns the copyright to the photo, was stunned by Bruner's comments and maintains that they do not fit what he saw happen during the surgery and when he took his pictures. On his website at www.michaelclancy.com, Clancy said he knows what he saw and also quoted a nurse at Vanderbilt who told him that she'd seen babies do that "all the time."

That's the trouble with trying to hide the truth - or escape from your responsibility to look at all the facts. Often you miss the best part of any nugget of truth - you miss the vein that leads us straight to God. The miracle of this photo was not whether or not the baby was thanking the doctor or had some conscious thought - the miracle is that the surgeon was able to connect with another human being. That he touched that hand, that this human being had unconscious movement just like any other child or adult, that the doctor's skill saved the child's life, that this "IS" an actual hand of an actual human being and not just a mass of cells.

What do you think?
Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

A very important Family Lesson

2011-03-28T08:29:00.000-07:00

I think every mother and father has done this at one time or another. It's a problem that must be addressed and we must make every effort to correct. Thank you Darlene for sending this to me. And thank you darling for all your prayers. I am getting better.

I ran into a stranger as he, passed by, "Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too; I wasn't watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said good-bye.

But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed, God's still small voice came
to me and said, "While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use, but the family you love,
you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."
By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.

I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."

He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay. I love you anyway."
I said, "Son, I love you too, and
I do like the flowers, most especially the blue."

Sometimes, we just need a little reminder of what's important!

FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU

Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie

Thank you for all your prayers!

2011-02-05T06:27:00.000-08:00

I have a disease called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. God used doctors to touch my arm and bring healing. The president of the RSD Association said it was a miracle the way I avoided the horrible complications of RSD. It has remained calm and resolved for the last 22 years. I am having major issues in my shoulder and had to have an MRI. I will know the results next Wednesday. If the shoulder is simply inflamed - no surgery will be necessary and that will keep the RSD out of the picture. If I have to surgery it could be very dangerous for the continued health of my arm and hand.

I've been taking it a little easy when it comes to writing. I'm trying not to use that arm as much. It's doing a bit better so I'm encouraged....and....of course, God can do anything.

Thank you for your patience with the class. I am working ever so one-handedly slow at preparing the rest of the sessions. I'll upload them as soon as possible.

Please pray with me that God will provide his wonderful healing and that my writing can get back to normal.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Principles of Parenting - class 4

2011-01-26T18:44:00.000-08:00

Have you laid out a plan for your parenting? Do you know what you want to accomplish? That's all important and it's something you must do....but it leads us to the all important question....HOW?

Why do so many children get crazy in pre-teen and teen years? Why does it seem that the odds are against us? There are still a few families around that produce stable, healthy, smart children who carry on the lifestyles of their parents. What makes the difference? Even in liberal homes there are a few children who seem to love their parents. Likewise there are children in very strict homes that seem to be happy. How can you tell if you are doing it right?

It's all about the mental slant of your parenting. What?

If you decide that you want to set up a strict list of house rules that your child must obey - you are probably assuming that your child will stay out of trouble and be a model child. But....like I said in the last class. This can be disastrous and your child may run screaming from your house. He may reject all of your ideas, go out on his own and strive to be as opposite as possible. Then again, he may withdraw into a make believe world where on the outside he is a compliant sweet person. Unfortunately, on the inside he is full of pain, sorrow, frustrations - possibly anger and can never reach his full potential in life because of his hangups.

The key to being sure that your child respects you and your ideas means you can't be concerned with the outside.

If a child is demanded to keep rules without understanding why those rules are in place, without accepting and questioning their purpose - then the moment he leaves the parent, he will do what he wants and not observe the rule. After all, he doesn't believe in it and sees it as a frustration and nonsense.

For example.....how many children have you known that have rules at home - and they follow them --but once they leave the house, they are totally different. They not only break the rules - they shatter them.

Have you ever asked yourself why? Why would they obey the rules at home and then break them once they leave home?    Most parents have been conditioned by progressive psychologist to believe that children just can't help themselves. They can't possibly control their own bodies or actions and therefore when they leave their controlling parents they will naturally break the rules.

DON'T BELIEVE THAT LIE!

The reason children don't follow the rules while away from their parents presence is because - THEY DON'T BELIEVE YOU TOLD THEM THE TRUTH! All their friends are telling them otherwise. Since you haven't been truthful about other things - they are sure you aren't being truthful about this rule.

AGAIN....the challenge is yours. You have three main goals to accomplish.

1. You must capture your child's heart. You must be close to him, be concerned about his problems, his needs. He must be number one in your life. You must take whatever time is necessary to assure him that you will be there to help him with whatever problem he has. You must bond. Be fun, be caring, be loving, be strong, be decisive, be the leader, be knowledgeable, be trustworthy, be honest. You must build a relationship that elevates you to be respected enough to be your child's mentor.

2. You must explain everything. Not just what you would do - but why you do it. You must make him feel like you are two loving souls on a quest together. He must feel that it's not about you controlling him but rather about both of you finding out the truth together. If it's right for him to follow rules then you must follow them too - or face the consequences for not. Every decision must be based on what's right and on your goal to have the best life possible. It can never be based on what you personally like - but only on what you know to be true. YOU are the great debater and Your greatest goal is to "Convince" not force your child into following the rules.  That doesn't mean you negotiate - or abdicate responsibility for deciding the rules to your child. Nor is a child in a position to negotiate a rule that's in place. (At least not without following the procedure for changing a rule) It simply means that you help your child understand and accept with his whole heart why that rule is in place.

The Key to good parenting and loving discipline is to be so convincing and to help your child so completely understand your rule that he will look at it and say, "Okay...I understand that. You're right. I see why that's stupid and I don't want to do that either." Of course He won't say that while he's a child - but you can tell when it's taking place. Once your child accepts that the rule is something he doesn't want in his own life - your work is done. Once he believes in the rule - it's his and he will follow it. As long as he's only doing it for you - he never owns it and the minute you walk away he will break the rule.

In other words - you must Parent from within. You are trying to capture the heart and beliefs of your child. You are trying to convince him to pick up your beliefs and lifestyle and make it his own choice.

3. You must be willing to see his side at all times. If you can only grasp your own side, he can't trust you. If you can't understand his pain, he can't respect you. You must have his respect in order to capture his heart. You will have to constantly research your own ideas and be sure you are asking for proper actions and that you can support those requests with proof. And you can't possess the truth unless your have looked at all sides of the problem. You must consider his side, his friend's side, your parent's side, God's side, your own feelings and yes...even society's side. Only after you've looked at the problem and investigated every inch can you say with authority - Here's the truth!

YOU WILL NEVER BE ALLOWED TO USE THE PARENT CUSS WORDS.... "BECAUSE I SAY SO!"

What does that mean anyway? Because I say so. What...now you are the only boss on the planet? I don't have a voice or a life? Am I your slave?

You will never be allowed to demand a ruling without providing proof. You will have to provide logical reasons to support each demand.

You must also search out and define every feeling you have. There may be times when you will have to stand before your child and admit that the feelings you are having are totally emotional and have no basis in fact. You may have to ask your child to understand you and to support you and to help you deal with the situation.     But....if you do, if you open up as much as you hope your child will open up - you will build respect. You will prove to him that you are on a quest together - to find the best life possible!

Now that's powerful parenting!

Seeking his wisdom,

Debbie

Seeking His Wisdom, Debbie

NEWS ALERT !!!

2011-01-26T15:17:00.000-08:00

Check back later this evening for Class 3 in our "Principles of Parenting" class.

For now....I have a huge NEWS ALERT !!!

Your job as parent just got harder. Today Harper Collins announced plans to release a new social app on the i-pad.

"The apps makes it possible for readers to share their highlighted text from a book on Twitter or Facebook, along with their comments, related photos and videos. Private groups can also be created for more of a book-club feel. The first book to become socialized in this manner will be the Bible (published by HarperCollins). In this way, the Bible could be illustrated with depictions from paintings and other art, as well as video clips from Biblical movies."Bible as a social book

This means that you will have to be very involved in "where" your child gets their information about God's word. You will also need to save all those old Bibles. One word change or a sentence that's dropped can totally change the meaning of the scriptures we've studied so carefully.

I'm thinking we need to start more scripture learning clubs in churches like "Bible Quiz teams". Our church promotes this and the teams actually compete across the state.

Knowing the intent and the actual scripture has saved me many times from getting in trouble. I pray tonight that you will consider Psalms 119 very carefully.

Verses 1-11 Blessed are they whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the LORD. Blessed are they who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart. They do nothing wrong; they walk in his ways. You have laid down precepts that are to be fully obeyed. Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees! Then I would not be put to shame when I consider all your commands. I will praise you with an upright heart as I learn your righteous laws. I will obey your decrees; do not utterly forsake me.

How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.

Make sure you help your child "Hide God's word in his heart that he might not sin against God!"

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Principles of Parenting - Class 3

2011-01-24T16:25:00.000-08:00

Have you thought about what kind of home you want for your children?

The reason that's important is because children are little sponges. Often parents don't understand that once they have a child, they become a reality show.

What?

Yep....a reality show. Maybe you should take a large poster board and make a movie poster of your own. Label it
"The Johnsons - The real story!"
Maybe you don't see the cameras running, but they are. Every word, every action and even every "intended" action becomes part of the reality show.

Children are amazing "truth serum" individuals. They can see your motives quicker than anyone on earth. They know the truth. You can't fool them. Only dogs are better at being that intuitive.

I've counseled with a lot of parents who insist that their home is free from arguments or stress. "I just don't know where little Johnny gets it. Me and my husband always talk soft to him and we try to provide a home that's peaceful." It doesn't take long talking to a child to find out that even with the door closed, junior hears or knows that mom and dad are arguing. And just saying those cuss words under your breath doesn't mean your child won't pick up on them. He also sees the dagger looks, sees the fist that's clinched or the jaw that's tight. He's in the bathroom when you call a friend and vent your frustrations about your husband. He wonders what's really going on when you say you love him but a hug is given but you're not really into it. And....probably the most important - he sees the lack of true loving touches between the two of you. He doesn't feel safe about your relationship and he begins to react the exact same way you are acting. Hum...

I counseled with a young mother who was very kind to her child. She was loving and involved with his life. She would sit for hours after work and read to him, help him do puzzles and worked with him on his reading. Yet, her child was afraid of everything. She came to me because her husband thought perhaps she was being "too" involved. Instead we found out that anytime Mom was faced with a stressful situation she became dramatic. Every problem was the worst. Every situation was bad and there were no answers that would ever solve it. She was so dramatic, she could have auditioned for any show and got the part. So....naturally....anytime her son faced a scary situation it didn't matter how soft or reassuring she talked. She responded dramatically - usually running from confrontation. Naturally he did the same.

Children are born with a natural desire to be "just like you". They are copy cats. They look for ways to copy what you are doing and to respond exactly like you do. They want to be like "mommy". "I'm Daddy's little man."

That feeling continues until.....we've taught them that being you is a bad thing. That's when the real challenge begins and they begin to look to others for guidance.

How do you teach your children to think differently about you? Through disappointment, embarrassment, lying, cheating, being dishonest, cutting others down in their presence and more devastating....anytime you destroy their self-esteem.

So then......it is vitally important that you get your plan, your design, your head in line with what kind of life you want your children to have. By doing that you are making your parenting a lot easier.

So....let's make a plan. We need to begin with a huge question.....

What is your true purpose as a parent?

If you feel that you want complete and total control over your child and that you are not really concerned about your child having his own thoughts, being independent or learning to function on his own - then parenting for you will be simple yet exhausting.

In this form of parenting you will need to make all the rules and never budge on any demand. You can never let the child have a say in anything he does. Make them check with you on every decision and insist that they be an extension of your beliefs, wants and desires. The end result however, will be a child who either becomes an unstable wallflower unable to function without help in the adult world or they will break out like a fire engine as soon as possible and furiously try every crazy thing possible - as quickly as possible. They will break your heart and interrupt what happiness you thought you had in your home.

Wait just a minute Debbie! Aren't you contradicting yourself? You just said we should have a plan and that kids want to be like us. Now you're saying that they will rebel against that.

No...they aren't rebelling against you....they still want your approval and to be like you. They rebel against not having a life. It's all about you feeling like you have to have total control. You can never do that to anyone. That's called slavery and it will always end badly.

So...let's try another plan. If you feel that your true purpose as a parent is to make sure your child experiences everything, has no conflict, is protected from all danger and strife and is given all the things that you never were allowed to have, parenting will be confusing but simple. You can sit back and watch your child. You can choose to never give advice, guidance, or influence at all. You want to be his friend and are hoping by this that he will thank you for the good times and love you dearly.

Unfortunately this type of child will be mean, irritable, always in trouble and blaming everyone else for his woes. At some point he will turn to you and blame you because he has few friends and life has not been good to him. He will not be able to withstand pressure or problems in life and will break your heart with his anger and inability to function.

I could go on and on with different forms of parenting and how they don't work. But let me skip to the answer.

Your true purpose is to give that child as much information as possible on either side of any issue so that he or she can make tough decision on their own. You must teach them to be strong, diligent in their search for truth and able to tell which lifestyle is going to give them the most pleasure for all of life - not just for the moment. That will require you to be kind when you discuss the "good side" or what their friends would say of (alcohol) or sex or whatever you disagree with.

Just how would you do that??? Example, "I bet your friends tell you that sex as a teenager is wonderful. You know what? I does feel that way for about an hour or so. Unfortunately, the aftermath is much worse and just doesn't make those few minutes of fun worth it." Then you go on to discuss all the problems with teen sex or sex before marriage. That's being honest and prevents you from losing their respect.

The key is to be such a wonderful model and to represent the issue so thoroughly that the child will naturally, on his own, choose the right decision. Your child must be able to trust you, to know that he will always receive an honest answer from you.

Everything you do from the first day you bring him home until he is packing up and leaving your house should have one purpose..... "How will this action help or hurt his life and how can I give him the information and training to help him see the right or wrong in what he's doing. How can I help him want to change his life for the better?"

You see, you must help your child become an adult by learning how to make proper decisions and how to interpret information. If you don't do that, then he is forever going to have to rely on someone else to tell him what to do and there by you open him up to being led by peers. It's only if you equip him to understand his world and process the information around him that you truly set him free.

I feel sorry for those parents who whine when their child gets in trouble. He was caught destroying property, tearing off good wallpaper, writing on desks, etc.... "It's not my fault. He was just influenced by peers. It's your fault for not teaching the other students to behave."

Back up the truck dear. Your responsibility to train your child has not been transferred to anyone else. We must accept responsibility for our children and we must do our job as parents to the best of our ability.

And guess what....we can do it! We can raise responsible loving children!

What's your plan? What do you want to accomplish with your children?

Seeking his wisdom,

Debbie

What happened to the good life??

2011-01-24T10:52:00.000-08:00

In preparation for tonight's Principles of Parenting class, I hope you will think about what kind of life you want for you and your family.

Dating for most people only includes having a great time with their partner. Even during the engagement period most couples focus on the wedding day, the honeymoon and that giggly feeling they get every time they look at each other.

But what about the plan for the rest of your life? If you have only planned for business success and financial success - your marriage will suffer. If you've only planned for spiritual success but you don't have a plan as to how to prepare your home for children - your children will suffer.

Have you made a plan for your family, your children, your extended family???

Grab a piece of paper and begin making a list of what you want your home to feel like, to support, to represent. Then join me tonight for another discussion about the Principles of Parenting that must be in place in order to be a success.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Principles of Parenting - Class 2

2011-01-20T14:16:00.000-08:00

Jamie Jansen about 3 years old

One Sunday I was hurrying to get to church when Jamie began tugging on my skirt. For the past week I had been teaching him how to put his shoes on and tie them. "Mommy....mommy", Jamie whined. "I can't get it on!" I looked down to see that the tongue of his shoe had been pushed up in the toe of his shoe. I shook my head at him and continued combing my hair. "Jamie, just pull your tongue out and you will be able to get your shoe on."

A few moments later I looked down at a very confused little boy pulling as hard as he could on the tongue in his mouth! I had neglected to tell him that his shoe also had a tongue.

It is our responsibility as parents to teach our children EVERYTHING! They do not learn by osmosis. We must teach them by our example and our conversations. While school teachers may give our children "facts", we are ultimately the ones who put those facts into perspective. We are the ones that teach our children how to evaluate facts properly, how to see truth, how to take all the information they are given and mold it into the best life possible.

When we hold that tiny little newborn, we are holding only a shell of a person. Only the physical instincts exist. It knows how to breath and eat and sleep. It feels cold and hot and pain. And yes...his smile is just like Uncle Ray's. But the abstract world of thought is taught to him every day by "the parent". He learns the touch of love, the kindness in a voice, the soothing power of a song, as well as the harshness of hands that hold him in anger.

We have the power to mold and develop that child to be everything he was intended to be. We can help him take the talents he has and elevate them to their very best. We can help him acquire new talents, learn to make friends and learn to impact his world/generation with his talents. He/she may have been created as a biological process. He/she may be blessed by the almighty creator - by God himself. But....we are the guiding hands that will complete the creation. We are the ones that will protect him, nurture him, be his mentor and help him see the best in his life and how his talents can impact the world!

Since you are at your computer, maybe you have a picture of your family on the computer. Print a very small copy on a blank piece of paper. If you aren't at the computer, take a blank piece of paper and draw a smiley face at the top and pretend it's your child. For the next few lessons, keep this piece of paper handy. Make two columns and label one "Traits to promote" and the other "Traits to prevent".

Begin writing down traits that you feel are important for your child to be all that God wants them to be. Your list might look something like this:

Forgiving
Positive outlook on life
Self-reliant
Intelligent
Free from anxiety and stress
Loves to learn new things
Feels a sense of purpose
Personable - loves to meet new people
Verbal
Kind
Fair

Your "traits to be prevented" may include the following

jumps to conclusions
liar
lazy
disrespectful

(For a copy of my handout "Traits for your child" - sign up for the Study Guide - it's included in those handouts)

Making this list will be easier if you can do what I asked in Class 1b

Most parents are excited and thrilled beyond belief by the very sight of their newborn.  You can't imagine that you have been able to create life. Your mind floods with dreams of greatness for your child. But the bubble quickly bursts when you've gone through thousands of dollars, walked through crying sleepless nights and wiped up too much spilt milk. "I'm so tired, all I want is quiet! Remind me....why did we have this bundle of work and trouble?"  Your child smiles and coos. He says 'Da Da' and your heart melts. That joy and ecstasy cannot be replaced UNTIL -----5 minutes later when this wonderful creation spits up on the only existing DVD of your best buddy's wedding!

Sound familiar? Children are hard work! Children bounce from moments of elation to moments of despair as often as chimes on a clock.

What happens is that after a lot of work and disappointment, we get lazy. We decide that taking the time to teach our child isn't all that important. We are tired, frustrated and overworked. As long as this child is currently happy, has enough fun to soothe our guilt and stays quietly away- that's enough. We have hit the bottom bar on the parenting scale and we bank on the fact that it just won't matter.  Since most of the time both parents are working and extremely tired....teaching gets shoved farther into the background. "I have fun with my kids. Surely when they are 16 they won't hate me, will be able to get at least C's and all will be well. I will have reached the finished line."

Imagine the disappointment when their child hates them, isn't passing and is sure to be a drag on society rather than one of it's leading citizens. I've often heard parents say, "Well, I did the best I could. My life was hard and I did the best I could." Guilt has taken over and they feel like it's absolutely impossible to face the truth. Gently...we talk. Gently....I encourage and soothe. Until finally through tear stained eyes they admit. "I know I didn't do my best. I was tired and after they passed the baby stage they weren't fun anymore. I just wanted them to leave me alone. Now I'm filled with guilt. I can't sleep at night and I have to stay busy just so I won't think about how I let them down."

Sadly, children pick up on the desperation of parents. They feel it when they aren't as important as they should be.  Children need time....lots of time, instruction and care. In this respect they are not dogs. Yes, they need love, healthcare, clothes and food. But unlike a dog who could exist on those things alone....your child needs much more. Your child must be trained.

Dr. Paul states, "Families feeling close and caring, children enjoying life - these are wonderful loving goals. And most parents believe that these things will happen naturally....in the beginning. But this blissful parenting state lasts about as long as the honeymoon did in the marriage. Trouble comes when the first conflict occurs. The child does something "wrong", the parent doesn't handle the situation "right", and all of a sudden parenting doesn't seem so easy anymore. Where is the "..and they lived happily ever after..." part? Many parents would settle for a few peaceful moments."

What went wrong? Children must be trained. They can learn to be patient. They can learn to be kind. They can learn to be unselfish. But...they must be trained. Training your child isn't that hard, but it does take time. You are responsible for placing in their minds everything they need in order to do well in life. You miss something and that will be a problem area for them. It's a big project and we have to have a definite plan in order to complete it with success.

Oh....but when you do have a plan and you complete it....your joy is beyond belief! Your reward will be greater than anything you can ever imagine. I PROMISE. You can make a difference in your child's life and you can feel the joy of releasing a well-adjusted, productive young adult into society.

Did you do your homework yesterday? How do you feel about those questions? Do you think you are ready to be a "strong and loving" parent to your child?

You can you know! It is possible. Don't be afraid. God will help you! YOU CAN DO IT! Stay tuned and I'll give you all the details so you can become a source of great strength to your children.

Question for our next lesson.....

What is your true purpose as a parent?

God loves you,

Debbie

You can also order an autographed copy of this book at The Store

Principles of Parenting - Class 1b

2011-01-19T16:05:00.000-08:00

Class two will be posted tomorrow night.

Have you done your homework?

I have one more thing for you to think about.

Are you a good judge? Can you step back from any situation no matter how difficult and judge the details of that confrontation properly?

Did you know that to be a good parent you must be a fair and balanced Judge?

But Debbie.....I'm a Christian and I've been taught not to Judge.

Sorry....but being a good Christian means that you must judge. And, the verse on judging is taken completely out of context.

Leviticus 19:15 "'Do not pervert justice; do not show partiality to the poor or favoritism to the great, but judge your neighbor fairly.

Deuteronomy 1:16-17 And I charged your judges at that time: Hear the disputes between your brothers and judge fairly, whether the case is between brother Israelites or between one of them and an alien. Do not show partiality in judging; hear both small and great alike. Do not be afraid of any man, for judgment belongs to God. Bring me any case too hard for you, and I will hear it.

And the common verse used to stop all judging....

Matthew 7:1 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged."

Ahhh.....but here's the rub. If you continue reading you will find that it's not about judging - it's about judging fairly. Verse 2 says...."For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

The meaning of this verse goes back to the parable in Matthew 18:24-35 Jesus told a story about compassion, forgiveness and improperly judging a friend.

A man began a settlement. A man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. "The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded. "His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.' "But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.

When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened. "Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

With over 153 verses that mention the word "judge" there is ample teaching about "how" to judge properly. It's not that we aren't allowed to judge. We must judge right from wrong every day of our lives - and often that involves looking at the lives of other people. GOD's directive is that we judge properly. We must be free of malice and we must take all sides of information into consideration.

So.....tonight I want you to take a piece of paper and write down 10 families that you know. Beside their names I want you to write down the pros and cons of their parenting skills and the results of those skills. This is not to be done with any malice or any hatred. Do it as a learning experience.

Ask yourself all kinds of questions. Ask yourself if that's the way you want to be perceived as a parent. Ask yourself if you want the same results that parent achieved. Ask if your children are anything like other good children or bad children. Be honest. Be fair and get the information you need to begin to draw a plan for your family.

You can't possibly avoid problems in your own family if you can't spot signs of trouble in other families.

Begin to formulate an idea of exactly what kind of tone you want to pursue in your home. How do you want to look to your spouse, your children, your in-laws? How do you want your pastor to see your home? Is your home representative of Christ? Would he feel comfortable staying with you? Would Christ hold you up as an example in the same way he felt about his own earthly family?

Lots to think about.....

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Principles of Parenting - Class 1

2011-01-18T14:53:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my first on-line free class.

Welcome to Principles of Parenting.

If you would like the Study Guide for this class, please make sure you are a follower of this blog. If you are...please send an e-mail to debbie@debbiejansen.com and mark it "Free Study Guide". I'll send you the free study guide in a return e-mail. You will also receive all handouts and extra study pages once they become available. If you prefer not to "follow" this blog, you can purchase the Study Guide for $2.50. Please send me an e-mail for instructions on how to get this information.

Let's get started!

Before I begin, let me make sure you understand one important fact. This class was created to deal with you - the parent. When we are through, you may feel like I've laid all the responsibility at your door. Well....I have. I will cover the attitudes and responsibilities that are yours. But...your children have responsibilities too. It is a two way street. God has given them the ability to either accept or reject your thoughts, beliefs and parenting techniques - and they are solely responsible for that decision. I will deal with their issues in other classes.

It's like this...you must accept your responsibility as a parent. You must do all you can to understand and treat your child properly. Then, when your child is 16 or more - they will have the right to accept your beliefs or to walk away from those beliefs. You can't stop their right to have their own beliefs. What you can control is how your beliefs are presented and how well you help them to grow into God's will for their life.

Knowing that should change your view of parenting. Parenting is not as much "forcing" your children to obey you as it is "convincing" them that you are right. Later we will talk about using rules and boundaries that work - those are components of parenting. But for now you need to see your job as one of presenting the truth as you know it in such a way that your children will "want" to accept your beliefs about life. That's why I place all the responsibility at your feet. You are on trial here. It's your reputation and your logical skills that are being tested. Your child is just that - a child. They don't know how the world works or what's important or how to deal with difficult issues - and if you don't teach them - they are going to make the same mistakes people made at the beginning of time. There will be no growth, no progress, no ability for one generation to surpass another generation. Instead we will be forever re-inventing the wheel. If you can't convince your children that there is a better way to live life....they will make all the mistakes you made and will also make the same mistakes your ancestors made.

So...the first step in this process is to know and understand yourself and your own beliefs. Question why you go to the church you attend. Pretend your child is four and standing in front of you answering every statement you give with the word "why?" Question everything you do and try to think of the answers you need to give before your child even asks for those answers.

Then when those days come (and they surely will) you will have an answer for your child. "I know you think the teacher is boring but this is why we are going to continue to attend this church......." "I understand that you don't like the music, but here's why we are going to stay here and here's why I expect you to be tolerant." "I know it's hard to keep trying when you are discouraged, but here's why we must all do that."

Parents, I will promise you this. Unless you work on the responsibilities I lay out for you in this class, your children will never be able to take care of their responsibilities. Unlike the chicken and the egg, we do know what comes first and that is you - the parent.

A lot of people ask me what my credentials are. Though my detailed resume is three pages long and I do have a degree in Psychology, I don't consider that my credentials. My credentials are my children. Jamie, Amie and Ken have grown into vibrant extensions of our family. They are my joy, my love and my life. I feel extremely blessed because my dream of a happy home came true.

Am I perfect - NO WAY!

Are they perfect - NO WAY!

They have had many problems in each of their lives. There are things I've done that I wish I could take back because I see the end results and how it has affected their lives.

I've had to realize that....There is no perfect parent and there is no perfect child. Those two do not exist!

Our goal is to cut our losses as much as possible. Our goal should be to try to head off problems before they happen. My children have done some things that have disappointed me greatly. My children have been angry with me. But...we respect each other. They love me and I adore them. Why...because we worked on the problems together. We didn't make the problem about our relationship - it was always about the problems we faced - not about our love. (better write that one down!) And...we had just as many good times, just as many warm moments as we had problems. We often had to work to create those moments, but we made sure they were there.

I feel as though I'm living the sit-com family dream. Well....at least the 50's sit com dream. You know the type of family those sit-coms tried to convey. Mom took care of the house without complaining. (didn't aways achieve that) Father brought home lots of money.(Missed that one) The children were always obedient, always loving and always helpful.(ha ha ha ha ha) They were never in trouble outside the home and when little problems arose inside the home - it was easily solved in 20 minutes or less. (right?!?) Everyone hugged at the end and they were closer because of what they had been through.

We batted about 50% on most of those....but still I feel like we had the perfect sit-com home. In fact, some of my children's friends called them the Brady Bunch. Don't get me wrong....We had problems - lots of problems and rarely were any of them solved in 20 minutes or less! But...we did hug a lot, share a lot, and we were closer because of what we had been through. That was the key that made us all feel special. We were closer no matter what we had to go through.

It is possible to have a close-knit family even with the turmoil swirling around the perimeters of our homes. It is possible for your children to discuss their differences with you and to understand and appreciate your guidance and wisdom.

You can have that! I promise you can. But...there are rules to the process and you must not only follow those rules but understand why they are there. Waiver from some of the rules and you will miss the dream. It's like unprotected sex. Just one time can get you in trouble. Destroying your child's self-esteem - just one time - can cause problems for years.

So...what is the secret to making this wonderful dream happen????

Training

I've never understood how people could accept the fact that we must be trained for work, for driving, for a professional job, for marriage, even our dogs must be trained and yet we don't think about the fact that we first must be trained and then our children must be trained in order to have a better future!

WHEW!

I asked you to read a little about The Tiger Mother and her form of parenting. What do you think she was missing? I personally think it was training.

What??? Debbie you missed the mark on this one. Sounds like she had a lot of training but not a lot of compassion or love.

I disagree. She wasn't trained on how to be successful in life. She didn't understand or know how to have a full well rounded life. She admits to being a success driven work-a-holic. Her parents failed to train her in how to have compassion or understand the world around her and so she was lacking in how to help her children find that "balance" in life.

Question to think about .... what do you want for your children? Do you want a well balanced life or do you want a full concentration in one area?

Homework:

1. Do you feel trained? Do you think you know enough about life to explain it to your child? Do you know enough about friends, relationships, how to learn etc...so you can explain how to do those things to your child?

2. Do you have a plan for helping your child prepare for the future?

3. Is there any area of your child's life that you would feel comfortable leaving up to their third grade friends? Is there any area that you would feel comfortable leaving up to a teenage date to handle?

4. Do you feel powerful enough to protect your child even when they are not in your presence?

5. Do you feel like the world (society) has it's eyes set on deceiving your child?

6. Where does God fit into your parenting plan?

Great questions.....If you have any questions about today's lesson or the Homework, please contact me at debbie@debbiejansen.com

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Purchasing my book, Discipline Exposed will give you a lot of extra information about this class as well as the class on discipline.

Principles of Parenting Class Posts

2011-01-18T11:28:00.000-08:00

I am so excited to offer the class - "Principles of Parenting" - on this blog!

Class will begin the evening of January 18, 2011

Check here to read all the posts on this subject. If you become a "follower" of this blog - Please send me an e-mail and I'll send you the study booklet for this course - absolutely free!

Principles of Parenting - Planning to have good children

This class teaches tested principles that will help you achieve your personal parenting goals. It includes the basics for better communication, discipline, and family dynamics. Practical behavior modification tips are included.

Research article on Amy Chua - The tiger mother

Principles of Parenting class 1

Principles of Parenting Class 1b

Principles of Parenting - Class 2

What happened to the good life?

Principles of Parenting - Class 3

Principles of Parenting - Class 4

Amy Chua - Chinese Tiger mother

2011-01-17T12:23:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow we will begin the class "Principles of Parenting".

In preparation for this class I hope that you will google Amy Chua - "The Chinese Tiger Mother" and read some information on her parenting style.

Children, young adults and struggling career adults are having a hard time right now. Suicide, bullying, addictions and sex are all up in numbers. Parents are desperate to find a way to help their children succeed. At long last the government and television commentators are admitting that our children - the owners of our future - are the key to the success of this country. We are slipping in test scores, slipping in entrepreneurship, slipping in close knit families, slipping in self esteem and...slipping in hope for our future. More and more children and teens are less interested in making their mark in the world and more interested in playing the part of Dumb and dumber.

Can parents help? You bet!

It's a delicate balance being a parent. Remember - THERE IS NO PERFECT PARENT - AND NO PERFECT CHILD! But....there are answers that can help you parent with success.

Stay tuned for lesson one and learn what you can do to be the successful parent of a successful child!

Start your research with these articles....

Politics Daily article

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/41005969/ns/today-books/

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

New Direction

2011-01-15T09:02:00.000-08:00

I believe that what you say is very important. What you say and what you do combine to define who you are in society. It's important how we present ourselves to the world....and it's also important to consider the ripples of all that we do and say.

I've been struggling for months now with the purpose of this blog. I know what I want to do but I felt overwhelmed with all the problems I see. Good....wonderful....parents are struggling with the most basic of issues. While "Precious pointers" is an important tool for the busy mom, I need to go much deeper than that. Writing blogs that are disconnected and basically just what I'm thinking about for the day...didn't seem to be information that parents could build on. Blog specialists advise against blogs that go too deep. Don't make posts long....don't cover to broad a topic....don't do series that last more than three or four posts. While I want to be successful with this blog, I still felt disjointed and out of touch.

I've also been advised not to post things that I "could" make money on. I have information sitting on my computer that supports over 80 classes. I watch young parents making mistakes that I can help them solve, but it would take a two-hour class. In this low economy churches and schools don't have the funds to hire me for an event. What to do? What to do?

Even after considering all the problems - there's still this nagging feeling inside that I need to share what I know regardless of the cost to me. As you know Ron doesn't have a job...but...holding on to information someone needs - just for money - seems unchristian and selfish. And....where then is my faith? Shouldn't I do what God wants me to do regardless of the funds? It takes almost a week of writing and compiling to design just one class. It takes another week to write a booklet and yet another week to do the study guide. To go week after week without payment for my work is hard....and yet....my work involves children and the future of this country.

So after much prayer, I've decided to take a leap of faith. Beginning Tuesday, January 18th, Mommy Detective will launch a new project. I will use this blog to teach my class, Principles of Parenting. I will post lessons and information pertaining to this class. You will be getting all the information I include in this two-hour class - and it will be absolutely free!

Since I talk a mile a minute when I do a class.....I'm not sure how long it will take to go through the material on line. It may take a month or more....but....you will have the material.

If I do this, I will need your help. I need you to let everyone know that the class is available. And there are freebies. For anyone that clicks on the "Follower" button and joins this blog, they will receive a link (not available for a week or so) to the Free Study Guide. Current followers will receive the link as soon as it's available. They will also be able to purchase all the materials in CD form for a reduced price.

We are still working all the details out....so be patient with me. There's a lot to be done and I'm the only one to do it! But....once we are up and running, you will have a deeper spiritual and psychologically sound basis for your parenting skills. You will be able to duplicate everything I teach.

Please pray with me that God will lead me to know exactly how to share this information in this form and that God will bless all we do. Also....as always, know that I'm here for you. Please ask questions and share your life with me. I'm here to help.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Thank you for all your prayers!

2010-12-13T19:22:00.000-08:00

I think God must look at people like me with a "tsk, tsk, tsk" every so often. I'm always concerned about doing the right thing. I spend a lot of time researching my opinions, my work ethics and my daily routines - just to be sure that I'm on task and doing what God would have me do.

Then there's a little hic-cup followed by a medium hic-up followed by a large gasp and an explosion. There I stand in the middle of a rubble of hopes and dreams and wonder what in the world happened. All my plans, all my research, all my hopes and dreams are merely a pile of broken pieces surrounded by a lot of dust. I quickly look around and wonder if others have noticed. "I'll bet she thinks I messed up." "Maybe he wonders why I'm not finished with this project or that one." "Oh my, please dear God....please don't let her feel like I've let her down!"

I fret and worry and wish that I could somehow be perfect - but alas! Failed again.

I love writing on my blogs. I love my readers and want to help them. But this week, I've felt like the little hic-cup of last week's surgery blossomed into an explosion of events that couldn't be helped and yet prevented me from writing.

Have you every felt pushed along by circumstances? Have you ever wondered what your friends thought of you? Have you ever felt like you failed and yet you know you did the very best you could?

If you answered yes to those questions then you are just like everyone on the planet. Even the most productive, resourceful and sanctified Christian has had at least one week or one month of stressful "I'm not preforming at my best" days.

And if you answered no to those questions - then you probably aren't human. You must be an angel only visiting and using the computer because it would be something novel to do. (Which means you probably don't need my writing anyway.)

The best news of all is that God understands. He expects us to "be" the best person we can be. He wants us to "strive" to do all that he has called us to do. But....I know that he is also compassionate. He can read our hearts. He knows when we are goofin' off and he is also aware of those special times when the circumstances were just out of our control. He knows the truth about our lives and he loves us anyway. Ahhhh....isn't that reassuring?
My surgery went fine. It took a lot more out of me than I thought it would and therefore my busy schedule was interrupted much longer than I had hoped. But....I do appreciate all the prayers and thoughts and I hope that I'm now on the mend!
I love you all and I hope you are having a wonderful Christmas Season.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

FYI

2010-12-05T18:07:00.000-08:00

Just in case everyone is wondering what's going on with Debbie and her sites.....I have been preparing for surgery. I will have what I hope will be minor surgery tomorrow morning.
Please say a prayer for me. Hopefully I will be able to return to daily postings beginning Tuesday. I have so much material to send your way!

God bless you and I hope you are having a wonderful Christmas season!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Child abuse destroys lives

2010-11-19T07:07:00.000-08:00

On my Family Tracks blog I'm doing a series on abuse. My first post was about the fact that abuse destroys lives. I thought I would run the Children's version here.

All parents are very busy. When you decide to bring a new life into the world - you are also deciding to double your work load. For the next 18 years plus, you will put another human and their needs above your own. You will be in construction mode to help give them the best home life you can provide. You will share all your money, your possessions and as much time as you can to give them the start they need to be successful in life.

But do you realize that while you are in the "providing" mode....you must also be in the "preventing" mode.

Abuse will destroy your child's ability to function properly in his adult life.

Physical abuse will send him/her one of two ways. Either they will be filled with fear and guilt or they will fight like dogs in protection mode. Physical abuse also strips all self-esteem and makes it extremely difficult to establish proper self-esteem later.

Take note "strict" parents. Even if you think you are only administering proper punishment - it can be "interpreted" by your child as physical abuse and create the same loss of self-esteem. PLEASE I beg you....read my book on discipline and learn the proper way to discipline. Discipline is extremely important and must be done properly or it will damage your child's life.

While physical abuse (punishment or molesting) can ruin a child's life - mental abuse often is even more damaging.

I heard one mother say, "I would never abuse my child. I don't agree with physical punishment of any kind." Later she brought her child to me for counseling. The child was fearful, couldn't function socially and had no self-esteem. It only took ten minutes for me to see the problem. Mom announced in front of the child that she was lazy, a slob, stupid, fat and a complete disappointment. She followed those daggers with, "But she's my child and I love her so much." When she reached to hug her daughter, the young girl turned away. The mother looked at me and complained. "See...see what I have to put up with. She's mean and a horrible child."

It's been proven that it will take 10 loving compliments to cross out one negative statement!

That means that if you are dishing out negative statements all day long followed by one hug and kiss at night - you are failing your child. Your child will see his home as a negative place to be. No wonder they turn on us when they are teens.

I have a challenge for you today. Get a pen and paper and for the next week keep a record of every statement you say to your husband and to your children. Make four columns. Label those four columns Name....Date......Positive......Negative. Every time you make a comment to that person record the date and if it was positive or negative. At the end of the week you'll be able to tell if your home is positive or negative.

I pray today that you will show the positive, powerful love of Christ in your home and allow your child to become all that God created him to be.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Precious Pointer #12 - Protect your child's innocence

2010-11-18T07:49:00.000-08:00

It's important to protect your child's innocence. We live in a world of predators. Unfortunately most predators will never meet your child. Most predators will never invade your home or your child's school. Most predators take the cowards route into the heart and mind of your child. Through the TV and Internet predators are "teaching" your child to lay down his/her youth for the sting of premature adulthood.

Movies promote that young boys should lose their virginity at the tender age of 10-12, while young girls should experiment with sexual ideas by the age of 10.

Parents have always allowed young girls to play house and pretend to be mothers as young as preschool. Young preschool boys played hunter and pretended to go to work like their dads. Imitating parents is a good thing for children. However, predators have decided to make their jobs easier by attacking the natural walls of childhood and making it "acceptable" to talk sex with a small child. I cringe thinking about the fact that some pedophiles and perverts are actually making movies, influencing TV and Internet and writing books designed to destroy the natural protection walls of youth.

So what's a parent to do? Protect your child from media that suggests it's good for a small child to think about sex. Give them time to develop their own personalities - without outside influence - before introducing the sexual theme. If your child asks about sex - ask questions first....answer honestly - but don't introduce information that's not required until it's age appropriate. A child asked his mother where he came from. She went into a 30 minute explanation. He looked at her with a quizzed expression and said, "Johnny said he was born in Mexico and he wondered where I came from.

Give your child a great gift - give him/her an innocent childhood. They will thank you for it!

See my new post on Family Tracks - Are you infected with this terrible disease?

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Children - Obesity - NEA

2010-11-16T06:00:00.000-08:00

I know I promised not to get mad....but I'm really angry this morning. I'm angry at a government that continues to strip America of her freedoms and I'm frustrated and angry that they are attacking the family with a vengeance.

THE GOVERNMENT DOES NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO TELL YOU HOW TO RAISE YOUR CHILD! If you give up that right not only will your child be in danger...our country will not have a future.

Abuse is wrong. It's against all laws of Christianity and all civil laws as well. While Family services should rescue abuse victims, there is a fine line that the government can not cross. And....it's time parents unite and let the government know that we will not put up with this type of interference.

When my children were in elementary school, I was as involved as I had time to be and I let the teachers know that I would support their efforts to teach my children. However, one day my children were very nervous because of an announcement the principal made. He responded to a rumor the children had passed around. He announced that he "did" have an electric paddle and he would use it on unruly children. Amie was especially anxious and I was furious!

I put my children back in the car and we drove to the school. I left the children in the car and walked in and demanded to see the principle in private. I let him know in no uncertain terms that he was being a bully and I would not tolerate scare tactics on my children. I told him I was going to let my children know that this was a joke and I would also inform them that the principle did not have the right to hit them or touch them in any way. Furthermore....if he ever "did" touched my children in any way that I would sue. "It is my job to discipline my children. If you have a problem with them you are to call me and I will administer their discipline - not you!"

He tried to laugh it off and said, "Well now Mrs. Jansen, calm down. I don't expect that your children would ever have a problem. That statement was to get some of our other disciplinary cases in line."

I had to take a deep breath before I continued. "How dare you!" He looked startled. "How dare you use the self-esteem of my children to control other children. My children should not have to endure fear because you lack the ability to run this school. You need to re-evaluate your own abilities and leave my children out of it.

He had nothing more to say and I left.

Whew! Debbie went overboard?!?!?

No. I don't think so. It's important that we stand up for our children. While we must be careful to evaluate the situation properly and be on the side of right (if your child is doing something wrong...admit it and be part of their discipline) - we must stand up and fight when our children are being exposed to even the hint of wrong. We have the right to opt our children out of school issues that do not line up with our core beliefs.

The reasons schools feel they can bully us into their beliefs is because too many people are afraid of causing a scene or afraid of getting involved or are simply too overworked and tired that they don't think they have the time to get involved.

WE MUST get involved or the same thing that happened in the federal government will happen on the school level. One day we will wake up and find that we've lost many of our freedoms of parenting.

NOW TO THE PROBLEM.....

Today Arizona schools will begin weighing and measuring children. Those who are deemed overweight will be given a health report card to take home to their parents. Apparently Arizona doesn't think parents are smart enough to look at their children.

Gretchen Carlson on Fox and Friends was angry. "I was a chubby child. That would have devastated my self-esteem. How dare they do that to children!" She's exactly right. Can you imagine some darling young girl who is a little shy and worried about a few extra pounds - having to stand off to the side while a teacher weighs and measures her body? Even if they do it in private...other children will be able to tell by the red face and nervous look that it didn't go well.

My worry is what happens later. Does the school start monitoring her food? Does the teacher give her a raised eyebrow if she has chips instead of carrots? Does the food lady in line cut her portions in half?

Talk about bullying! How awful for that child! Every time that child walks into school she is faced with bullying from a staff that thinks she is overweight. How embarrassing....how torturous! Doocey made a great point on the show...."What if the teacher is overweight? Are they going to give her/him a report card?"

Going to school should have one goal....to learn facts about our world. That's it! They do not have the right to invade your spiritual, moral, cultural, or parenting decisions.

Unfortunately, this isn't the only problem parents are facing. The NEA wants you to believe that your children have sexual thoughts and agendas at six years old. They want you to believe that you have no influence over your children. That you don't have the tools to beat back the evil that wants to overcome and destroy your household!

That's baloney! Don't believe it.

We have to go further than that. We have to fight even the slightest attempt to convince us that we are not capable of handling our child's growth and development. I will stand with you in your fight!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Precious Pointer #11 - Parenting is a building block process

2010-11-15T07:52:00.000-08:00

Parenting is a process. It's impossible to raise a well rounded - well adjusted child who becomes a well rounded - well adjusted adult if you don't plan ahead and use building blocks.
The building blocks you put in place today will determine how your child views the problems he faces 5 years from now.

Parenting is a process. It's important that you take the time to make a list of the traits you want your child to have and then work toward those traits in small increments.

For example, it's impossible to get a 14 year old spoiled brat to understand the value of giving and being unselfish. That trait takes time to build. It starts at age two when you ask your toddler to help you feed the dog. It builds when you demand that he sit in your lap and stay away from his older sister while she opens birthday presents. It builds when you ask him to be excited and happy for her as she squeals about her gifts. It grows when you help him sit quietly in grandma's lap as she sings to him. When he complains about her bad breath or scratchy voice, you teach him the value of love - even when it's hard. It expands when you help him pick out one of his toys to give to an underpriviledged child. It makes a giant leap when he willingly offers to rake leaves for an elderly neighbor - without pay.

Parenting a child and giving them all the traits they need to be successful as adults is a process! Where are you in your process?

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Your Child and Medications

2010-11-05T06:39:00.000-07:00

I think sometimes we ask our children to suffer needlessly. It's important to conquer issues like coughs, colds or viruses and get them under control as quickly as possible. You don't want those problems to escalate into more serious issues. I would never advise going against a doctor's advice to use medication to take care of a medical problem and yet.....I do think we need to be good mommy detectives when deciding to administer medicine to children.

Being a mommy detective in this area means that you try to think outside the box. Do what many physicians are trained - NOT - to do. They are trained to look through a microscope and comment on things they have seen. While studies do "track" individuals to see how medications react over the long term, you need to understand that it's a law of averages at that point. Basically they interview everyone that's taken the medicine and ask them about their life. They ask for medical histories and if the individual feels like there have been any problems. At that point they combine the information (the points they feel are important) with other patients in the study to see if there are any similarities. From this they decide if there is a long term risk for the patient.

This leaves a lot of speculation and the potential for hidden information to be lost. That's why a drug can be labeled safe and then years later is determined to be a problem. That's also why allergies are so hard to detect. I have an entire page of listed allergies to medications. A dedicated doctor finally solved my puzzle and decided that I probably wasn't allergic to the actual medication but rather to the binder that held it all together.

It's important to look at our bodies the way God does. He placed within us all that we need to survive. Because we don't like the environment or because the environment has become hazardous to this body - we have invented ways to survive longer. That's great and I believe God looks at our inventions with a smile. However, sometimes as flawed humans we can create something that solves one problem and creates ten others. As parents we have to be our child's protector and determine if one solution can trigger others.

So...what's a mother to do? Look at the present effects of the drug. Ask what portion of your child's body will be affected by the drug. Determine if it's possible to handle the problem naturally without drug intervention.

For example, I advise mothers of hyper active children to try to avoid mood or nervous system altering drugs if at all possible. It's a fact that most children with hyperactive tendencies need a plan rather than drugs. It will require more work from Mom and Dad who may already feel overwhelmed - but in the long run it will prevent a lot of problems.

Why do I think that? A definition of the drug quotes, "Ritalin works by changing the amounts of certain natural substances in the brain." You child grows and changes more during the first 10 years of his life than he ever will. That includes his brain. Why would you want to mess with the "natural substances" in the brain at a time when he is developing his cognitive, social, spiritual and intellectual tendencies? Be careful that you don't allow the urgins of a sympathetic doctor to cloud the need to protect your child.

As I watch the news I often wonder why certain people act the way they do. When individuals have trouble processing compassion or understanding how to properly analyze facts or can't understand social interactions - I wonder if their problems with processing information goes back to medications they took as a child. When I see teens addicted to alcohol or young adults who are hooked on drugs, I wonder if they were given drugs as a child. I've counseled with several parents who upon a physicians advice gave their pre-schooler prozac and other drugs for anxiety and bad dreams. Those children are now adults and they deal with all kinds of mental disorders. Is it related? I can't say for sure. But, again, I think it's safer to give the growing period an uninterrupted chance to develop properly.

It is possible to handle most any childhood mental issue with counseling and a plan.

Before giving your child a medication that may change the way he thinks or the way his nervous system works, ask if there is a way to handle the problem without medication. Think outside the box. Work within your child's world. See the problem through his eyes. And if you still can't come up with a plan....contact me. There are ways to make sure your child's growth isn't interrupted by drugs.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

I'm Pregnant!

2010-11-04T16:00:00.000-07:00

Young couples are so excited when "she" can announce...I'm pregnant! How exciting! A new life that looks just like the two of you is being formed. You are participating in a God-like act. You will be imortal through the blood line you create.

But mostly....we are just excited because babies are fun. Like puppies they smell good, make funny faces, do silly things and are great cuddlers. We love holding and singing and feeling like this tiny little wonder will achieve every great promise this world has to offer.

Unfortunately, you are set for a disappointment unless you also realize that every little thing you do from the moment you are pregnant until your child is a successful adult - everything you do matters!

Yes, you have created a new life. But the responsibility for that new life doesn't stop with fertilization. That new life must be created at every point. You have created a clean slate and with the exception of DNA and a few personality "tendencies", you will determine much of what his/her life is like.

That's quite a responsibility. Once the excitment of "I'm pregnant" calms down and the morning sickness sets in...perhaps it's time to consider your new job. Sometimes your new job will feel like it's the greatest joy in the world. And sometimes your new job will feel like the greatest weight in the world.

Just remember, that if you make a plan, pray, become a mommy detective and give your very best.....you and your child will reap the rewards.

I will be praying for you!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Precious Pointer #10 Age appropriate discipline

2010-11-04T09:28:00.000-07:00

You can't expect a two year old to understand complicated math. You also can't expect a five year old to understand what it takes to be president of a large corporation. And no matter how you try, you will never get a teenager to understand what it feels like to be a grandparent.

Yet, I've watched parents punish their children because they aren't adults. They ask a three-year-old to sit quietly for a solid hour without any stimulation and then fuss when the attempt fails. They demand that a five year old shop all day and when he becomes disagreeable the parental fussing begins. The barrage of "Wait till I get you home" or "You are being so bad that I'm not going to buy that toy I promised" - begins and the child is taught that he can't trust his parent for his personal needs.

Know what your child is capable of at his age and don't try to push him beyond his personal limits. Yes....push him to be better mentally or to push a little harder socially. But don't ask him to ignore his physical and emotional "needs" in order to do something that you want done.

Some of the worst parenting I've ever seen happens in stores and malls. Children who are pushed way beyond what they are capable of handling are punished for simply being...children. As the holidays approach I hope that you will be pro-active and make shopping a fun experience for you and your child.

For example, when you take a child shopping (which I always did - it is good training)...start early. They are best during morning hours when they are refreshed from a restful night.

Take plenty of snacks, drinks and small toys. It will be easier for them to wait for you to make a purchase if they have something to do. Also...to avoid a fuss from you, take items that are inexpensive or insignificant so it won't be a problem if they are lost. Yes...teach them to be responsible but don't expect perfection from a small child riding in a stroller.

Make sure that if your child is walking, but it's going to be a long day that you take your stroller anyway - or rent one at the mall. Think of how hard it is for you to walk and wait if your feet hurt or if you are tired. You don't want to lose your temper if your 5 year old suddenly decides he can't walk any farther.

For small children you may want to schedule an out of the stroller time after every store. Taking 5 minutes to let them stretch their legs will make the next store trip easier to take.

If your child can't sleep in a stroller, either break up the day by going home for a nap or fix a way for them to sleep in the car. Some stores now have family friendly rooms where it might be possible for a child to take a nap.

I always gave my child a reason to be good. We played the one hour game. For one hour I would shop and they sat in a stroller and played with their toys or ate their snacks. To engage them I talked as much as possible, "Do you like this? Do you think Daddy's would want this? What color is this?" anything to keep them engaged. After one hour of my shopping I would take them to their fun place or to a toy store for 15 minutes. They knew they could count on me and that my promise was good! They were always told they could not buy anything but that they could do what I was doing....shop. As they got older I purchased watches so they could time me and...learn to tell time.

Being pro-active will help you survive those difficult times. Understanding your child's age capabilities will help you to help them.

These hints and more will be in my next booklet...."Goof Proof Holidays!"

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Giving your child a proper value system

2010-11-01T19:13:00.000-07:00

You probably think I'm going to talk about spiritual values or social values or how to give your child a conscience. While those issues are very important, it's even more important to help your child see the value attached to any project or any personal talent.

One of the saddest problems with some of today's youth is a total disconnect when it comes to judging real value. Normally I love to talk with young people. There's nothing more exciting than to see the wheels turning as a young person questions his world. But lately that's been a little more challenging. Many parents seem to think that all a child needs to know is what's required in school or in church. Beyond that their intellect doesn't need stimulation. Oh they push for athletics but mostly just so their children aren't considered geeks or so they will be exercised properly.

What's missing is a deep appreciation for talent. Not the lame excuse for talent, like screeching on a guitar or scratching on a record. Real talent isn't spitting in a microphone, pulling at body parts or screaming hateful words to the thump, thump of a high school drop out beating an old tin can.

Real talent takes work. Real talent involves planning and practice and intelligence. There's a big difference between a kindergarten stick figure and Norman Rockwell. There's a big difference in Bach or Beethoven and Sonny Bono. I like Sonny Bono and I can praise a child who draws a stick figure (hoping later on that I can steer him to some art lessons). But, I know the difference in their talent. I also know when to stop and praise "real" talent and when to pass by goofin' around. It's hard to talk with young people who can't grasp the concept of Experts and the hard work that guided their path.

The question then is do your children know the difference? Would they pay more to see Lady Ga Ga than to "experience" the Ballet? Would they be well rounded enough to be able to spend time in an art gallery or would they spend the rest of their lives watching Bridezilla exclusively.

As parents we need to open our children's lives and expand their intelligence. We need to be sure they can appreciate the finer things as well as enjoy the simplistic. To give them the best opportunities in life they need to be able to enjoy a football game as well as a piano concert. I hope your child would be the one who stopped and listened in this following example.

My Dad sent this to me and I was choked up. How sad that our society can't see the value of "real" talent.

THE SITUATION

In Washington , DC , at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, this man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, approximately 2,000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

After about 3 minutes: a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule.

About 4 minutes later: The violinist received his first dollar. A woman threw money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

At 6 minutes: A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

At 10 minutes: A 3-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time. This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent - without exception - forced their children to move on quickly.

At 45 minutes: The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

After 1 hour: He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed and no one applauded.

There was no recognition at all. No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before, Joshua Bell sold-out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each to sit and listen to him play the same music.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell, playing incognito in the D.C. Metro Station, was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities.

This experiment raised several questions:

*In a common-place environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?

*If so, do we stop to appreciate it?

*Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made . . . How many other things are we missing as we rush through life?

What are you teaching your children about beauty and talent???

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

A little Reminder....You are raising the future!

2010-11-01T09:23:00.000-07:00

I know that you are very busy. Perhaps you have a job outside your home. You give 100% from 8 to 5 and then it's rush home and continue giving until you fall in bed at night. Week-ends are no release either. The children pop up early, there's shopping to do and running around and....whew! Even if you don't work outside the home, you have just as much to do - sometimes more. I get tired just writing about your schedule. Believe me, I don't want to throw anything else into the mixture....and yet....we must be careful not to forget why we are doing all the "stuff" we do.

You are raising the future. When you start winding down and cutting your schedule in half, that's when your child will be called on to step up and take over. He/she will make decisions that will either continue this life, create a better one or destroy what our generation has created. Your child will either take a stand and become a front runner in this way of life or he will stand and be counted with millions of others by influencing his community. Maybe your child will be a congressman or another millionaire that helps entire communities with his understanding of business. Maybe your child will be a teacher that influences thousands of children and sends them out into the world to make a difference. Whatever method your child chooses....he/she will determine what this country is like.

Your child must know the truth about this country. Unfortunately, school books can't be trusted. For that reason, I'm passing on tid bits of history from a trusted website. http://www.americanminute.com/ daily sends out a short description of someone in history. I'm now posting those on my Family Tracks blog. There is also a link in this blog's sidebar (Little girl praying - Title - One Nation Under God) that will take you to a list of those posts.

I hope you will print these out and read them at the dinner table. Discuss the Godly ways our forefathers felt about this country. Give your children a patriotic view of America's history. If you do....they will make this country better when it's their turn to serve.

And tomorrow.....take your children with you when you vote. Give them a practical lesson in how easy it is to take a stand for what you believe. Show them that being part of the process and using your vote to determine the success of America is the "right" thing to do!
Tomorrow Ron and I will pray for this country as we stand in line to vote. May God bless us now and may he keep his hand on America and give our children the same advantages we have had.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Precious Pointer #9 - Don't waffle

2010-10-25T08:35:00.000-07:00

Don't waffle and confuse your child. Mean what you say. It’s difficult to follow a waffling leader. Life is confusing enough, don’t make it worse by waffling on rules or family values. Do your research. Make sure you are right and apply compassion when needed.

It is possible to be strong about rules or opinions that you feel are right and still have a process for changing the rules when new information makes it necessary. For example, the rule may be that eating in bedrooms can't be tolerated because of an insect problem. But...if the child is sick for a long period of time and can't leave his room - of course the rule must be broken.

Most children can understand "exceptions" to a rule as long as they know you can be trusted to make the rule fair to everyone at all times. You may have to do a little more training or a little more explaining....but they will understand if it's presented right.

If you make sure they understand when and how exceptions will be used, you can stick to the demands you have made. Being a parent that sticks to the rules is not about being mean – it is about showing your child that you can be trusted.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Look in your heart....you'll know...

2010-10-24T21:06:00.000-07:00

Be sure and click over to Kyria.com and read my newest article, Does Faith Hide Marital Abuse?

My last post was about bullies. Several people were concerned when I said that bullies were parent made. So much media attention has been placed on a bully's actions rather than on the origin of learning. We must find the initial cause in order to combat the problem. Otherwise we are forever dealing with topical symptoms.

This morning on Fox, one of the contributing judges was talking about a case in Detroit. You can read about it on Fox News It's about a little girl who is dying with Huntington's disease. Apparently she had a birthday party a couple of years ago and didn't invite a neighbor to the party. The mother was so enraged that she began a cyber bully campaign against the deceased mother (who had died from the same disease) and the living child. The bullying included driving past the house with a coffin on a trailer, signs of crossbones over the little girl and an interview with reporters where the neighbor said she received great satisfaction from bullying these dying people.

The judge was commenting on the fact that the DA is currently investigating the possibility of a crime and protective services has taken the bullies two children out of their home. Good thing! She's not only seriously disturbed....but her children were learning how to bully and torment others. All for the sake of an invitation to a party. Hum...I wouldn't have invited her either.

The judge was really hot under the collar about this one. I watched as she ranted and raved about how awful this was. I smiled and thought to myself, "See there. Most people know where bullies come from, they are just afraid to say it." That's the way most parenting information is perceived. We know that parents are responsible for their children, but that doesn't make people feel good. News media doesn't want to seem like they are preaching. They don't want anyone to feel bad about their parenting skills. So we rock along allowing parents to make bad decisions until we are finally faced with a horrible incident like this one.

The real deal is this. Look in your heart. Listen to your children and the people around you. If it feels wrong or angry or abusive - it probably is. So stop it! I've always liked to use the scripture Phillipians 4:8-9
It's great parenting advice!

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.(Debbie's paraphrase - "Parent on these things") Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

Children watch everything we do. If you do it....so will your children. If you want to have great children who turn into terrific adults - do everything you can to draw a path to greatness. Your children may surpass you and do even greater things than you have done....but it will probably be walking the same path you walk. You can do it! You can give your child a better life. Set the example high and you'll never regret it!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Bullies - causes and cures

2010-10-09T18:10:00.000-07:00

News stations were busy this morning trying to discuss new ways to eliminate bullies in school settings. Of course they had it wrong. They want to once again take away your parent's rights and take over the protection and moral training of your child. Like all the rules about weapons - your child will probably be labeled a bully for praying while the real bully beats up a friend behind the school. As usual the ideas they discussed will not solve the problem and will instead mean more restrictions on you and your child. There are a few things you must know before we begin the conversation.

1. Bullies are parent made. They do not just evolve from thin air, chemicals or personality types. Bullies are a psychological response to the bully child's environment. And....if it's not handled, the bully child will grow up to be the bully adult.

2. Children can not change their bully tendencies. Childhood bullies are changed by the adults that surround them.

3. Bullies can't be legislated. You can't get bullies to stop bullying just because you have some new rule or demand some new program. They draw strength from being singled out and punished. Bullies are independently made and must be independently reversed. Yes, bullies need instruction, counseling and help in order to reform, but it is highly unlikely if not impossible for total reform to take place without adult supervision and one on one training.

4. Being a bully is a response to some deep psychological trauma or frustration that has never been addressed. If you only treat the symptom (which most school legislation does) the bully will only find a new form to use. He will not reform from within.

So.....Parents beware......Do not turn the answer for bully reform over to the school - it won't work and it may hamper your parenting style.

How does a Bully get to be a bully?

1. There is no parenting supervision in the home. When children are left to fend for themselves one of two things will happen. They will either become a victim and shrink from the world or they will develop bully tendencies. It's a child's way to try to have some control over his life before he's ready. He knows there's a void because the leader (adult) is missing. To compensate for the fear he feels, he decides to take over his world. That means he has to assume the "leader" role. He's usually not prepared or ready for that so his attempt at leadership turns into dominance and a demand that everyone "do what I say". When other children are not the same as he is or when they have different opinions or lifestyles, he feels it's an attack on his leadership and therefore he must use abuse or embarrassment to be sure they can't ever take over his role.

2. The parent or home is void of any instruction about compassion or demands to care for others. When a child is born he lives for over six months with only one goal in mind - self-preservation. His only thought is to satisfy his own needs for food, stimulation, sleep and interaction.  It is part of the parent's job for the next 18 years to show him how to be compassionate and care for others.

3. If this "void" of compassion is not trained gradually - the stark difference between self-gratification and compassion can produce rebellion. To prevent rebellion and a miscommunication about compassion and proper forms of love - the parent must diligently provide proper discipline. If the parent does not provide the tools for discipline, the child will not be able to fully understand or implement the tools for compassion.

4. When parents both work full time and do not "make" time to discipline and train on the merits of compassion for others - the child will become either a victim or a bully.

5. Most of the time children are bullies because mom and dad are bullies. Anytime you insist that someone else does what you want without considering their feelings - YOU are a bully. And....because we all know that children watch every move we make - when dad yells and bullies mom, junior learns how to bully.

6. Parents allow siblings to fight and refuse to help them be compassionate. Allowing siblings to call each other names or to "enjoy" when their sibling is hurting is not only bad parenting but it eliminates the perfect place to practice compassion. To require junior to take a food tray to sick sister not only develops kindness and understanding - it promotes love and understanding. And when junior is sick he will see what an impact that kindness makes in his life when sister is kind to him.

While the news media is all upset and ready to stomp down a bunch of rules....they are forgetting that the real problem isn't the "one" victim or even multiple victims that have their feelings hurt or endures such intense abuse that they do something stupid.  We must not forget them and yes we should protect them.....but they are not the real problem.  The real problem is the sea of children that are being taught on a daily basis that lack of compassion, lack of manners, lack of intelligence and a bully type personality is okay and in fact is this generations sign of "leadership" and strength.

What? Think about the reality shows that children watch. Young people and teens exploding with anger and demands. Calling a parent or person of authority a crude and horrible name is not only okay but desired. Using gutter language is the norm. Last week there was a news report that kindergartners are now using trashy language. Just where did they learn it? When moms stopped being shocked at bad language and stopped washing mouths out with soap, children started using it on a regular basis. Bad language carries an "angry tone" with it. Anger tendencies go along with lack of discipline and bully tendencies.

When children are allowed to watch trash on TV that not only shows but also promotes angry delinquent behavior, children will assume that this is the norm. Parents should provide guidance by saying, "That's a horrible way to act and I wouldn't have any respect for that kind of person. I would avoid that kind of person and would not be their friend. I refuse to watch bad delinquent behavior." - then good parent - Turn the show off!

That's what our children's great-grandparents would have done. So why aren't we doing that? Why don't we promote better parenting, demand that parents of bullies suffer the consequences until they get their child in line and provide children with training on manners and compassion? That would be attacking the source of the problem rather than the symptom.

So what are you saying Debbie?

I'm saying that when there are bullies in a school....it's Mom and Dad's fault. The best solution would begin with punishing the parents not the children. If your child bullies someone, you will have to take a 2 hour parenting class on discipline and compassion. (And of course it needs to be a good class and not some progressive mumbo jumbo.) If your child continues to bully - you will be sent to jail one night for every infraction. Since there probably would be a lot of parents who need this type of stimulus - the school could be used for overnight incarcerations. "Bring a sleeping bag and join the lock-up."

Now, I doubt that this would ever happen....but it would finally get parents busy trying to solve the problem of their own little bullies. When bullies are retrained, there's no need for rules against bullies and everyone would be safe. I wouldn't have to teach my "Christian" children that Lacy's gay parents are right in their beliefs. My child would simply know that the polite thing is not to say anything publicly. And Lacy would also know that she can't bully my child into her beliefs. We don't need sensitivity training - we need good old fashioned manners!

Of course part of parenting is also training our children to know that "any" belief will come with it's own set of problems. If you believe in God you will be called on to defend that belief. And by the same token - if you don't believe in God, you will have to defend that belief.  Learning to seek out the truth so you will have the strength to stand up for it - is part of "maturity". Hum....of course, parents will have to learn that one first.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Debbie isn't mad..

2010-10-09T07:29:00.000-07:00

Contemporary psychology is like a horse with blinders on. They decide that something doesn't make a child or an adult feel good, so they go after it with a vengeance - regardless of the consequences. Their #1 priority is to soothe the feelings of the parent or to keep the child from ever dealing with consequences. Unfortunately, that is leading us down a very destructive path. Truth is the only answer to some of the major problems we have.

When it becomes necessary for me to tell parents the truth, I'm not mad at them. I look at parents in the same way I would want someone to look at me. If I don't have the facts that I need to make a "good" decision, I hope someone will step in and say...."Debbie, I think you need to reconsider this decision you are about to make. There are facts you don't have." And if I don't listen....I hope someone will up the rhetoric and let me know that they have important information for me. I hope my friends and family will care about the unhealthy consequences I may face and will intervene with new information about my situation.

If I am so thin skinned that I won't listen to good advice and consider it before making a decision ---I DESERVE ANY CONSEQUENCES I MAY HAVE TO ENDURE !

On the other hand, whoever is trying to help me does not have the right to make the decision for me. They don't have the right to take over. That would be the definition of slavery. Like the relationship I try to build with my children - my friends do have the right to try to convince me that the information they have is important to my decision.

THAT IS WHAT I TRY TO DO FOR YOU. All my blogs as well as my writing has one goal - to give you the information you need to make a great decision for your life! If my writing isn't doing that - it's worthless.

I am not angry when I talk about contemporary psychologist that produce incompetent information that will ultimately lead parents down the wrong road....I'm just letting you know how dangerous their philosophies are.

I am not angry when I talk about parents who spend more time researching which computer to buy than they do seeking out parenting information that might help their child. I simply see a train wreck coming and I choose to yell a little louder to "get off the track!"

I'm not even angry when I recall stupid parents ideas that ruin a child's life. Actually that makes me sad and depressed more than angry. But....I do choose to become charismatic and energized so I can hopefully help other parents see that those philosophies produce disaster.

What I am committed to is making sure the finger of blame points at the right person. If that is your child, fine. If that's society, fine. But if it's you....I'll point to you - the parent, grandparent, church, school, politician - whoever. I want to find the person that has the power to change the situation and make him/her responsible.

Why am I telling you all this???

Because the stakes are getting higher and it's time for me to get a little louder about the problems. I've tried to be as subdued as possible on all my blogs, but the consequences for families are heating up. If parents don't pay attention to what is coming and make changes in their families - the future for our children will be unbearable.

It's really hard to write "carefully" so no one's feelings are hurt. Sometimes I avoid some subjects because I think, "Man....if I present this like I want to my readers will think I'm on a rampage." Though I promise not to be on a rampage....I do not promise to soothe your feelings. It's time we take a hard look at the consequences of bad parenting and make a commitment to be the parents God has called us to be.

I hope you are with me!

So.....get ready......Debbie isn't mad - just determined to make a difference!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

This is so true! Thanks Rodney Atkins!

2010-10-07T17:48:00.001-07:00

Get out your kleenex and be prepared to get down on your knees!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Public school has been infected.....

2010-10-07T08:38:00.000-07:00

Twenty years ago when I spoke to a group of young mothers, I encouraged them to keep their children in public schools. I felt that it was a perfect place for children to "slowly" learn to speak up for their faith and to learn how to handle different opinions. At that time children who went to Christian schools or were home schooled had a difficult time accepting a harsh world once they left the bubble of protection.

I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND. Public school has been infected with every stupid, anti-Christian, immoral and culturally damaging idea out there. If you want to see the lowest denominator in our society - visit a public school. There are many good teachers that are doing their best to combat the tidal wave of indoctrination (like my daughter) but I'm afraid there just aren't enough "strong willed" teachers to combat the coming destruction.

Not only am I concerned about the evil that's taught and the anti-Christian climate our children have to suffer through; I am disgusted by the lack of "intelligence" that we find in these schools. When I was going to school, you admired the valedictorian. It was a label of distinction. Of course, not everyone could achieve it, but we all knew that he/she would go on to succeed in life. Compare that to now when schools bend over backwards to elevate the dumbest person in the class. I don't want some rap talking guy who doesn't have enough intelligence to buy the right size pants to graduate, get a job and show up at my house ready to install a water heater. No way. Take your baggy pants and stupid talk and get out of my house!

Why on earth would schools think they are helping society to produce dummies that not only don't know the history of this country but also don't have the intelligence to vote much less reproduce.

Can you tell I'm a little upset????

Take a look at this article on GOPUSA written by The Scribe...

OK City students to learn about 'old, dead white men'?

By The Scribe October 7, 2010 7:24 AM

I don't know about you but I'm getting really tired of hearing about the crazy ideas in what passes for education these days. Worse than hearing about it, our children are being subjected to these ideas in schools as though they were lab rats. Here's the latest version of it to cross my desk.

The Oklahoma City public school district is taking a second look at a plan to teach at-risk students using rap and hip-hop after receiving complaints over one lesson referring to the founding fathers as "old dead white men."

The program, known as Flocabulary, is an educational tool that uses rap and hip-hop music to help students learn and memorize basic principles of vocabulary, reading, writing, social studies, math and science. The district was authorized to spend $97,000 in federal funds on the program and has already spent $10,000, NewsOK.com reported.

Are you kidding me? Old Dead White Men??? Our Founders? Everyone in a position of authority in this school district should be fired immediately. Look at the lyrics of one of the Rap songs to be used in this program.

One particularly controversial song entitled "Old Dead White Men,"describes President James Monroe's presidential term by saying: "White men getting richer than Enron. They stepping on Indians, women and blacks. Era of Good Feeling doesn't come with the facts."

"Andrew Jackson thinks he's a tough guy. Killing more Indians than there are stars in the sky. Evil wars of Florida killing the Seminoles. Saying hello, putting Creek in the hell holes. Like Adolf Hitler he had the final solution. 'No, Indians, I don't want you to live here anymore."

Flocabulary CEO and co-founder Alex Rappaport says that the lyrics are meant to keep students engaged and promote discussion. According to the Flocabulary website, its programs are being used in more than 10,000 schools nationwide and are "proven to increase student motivation."

What?? Flocabulary?? What the heck is Flocabulary and why should American parents want their students to learn the hateful trash in that rap song?

The description on their website says, "Flocabulary is a small educational publishing company with a strong commitment to making a positive social impact."

Those lyrics didn't sound very positive to me. Beyond that, I think our children have had enough social impact. How about some good old fashioned instruction that will give them some English, math and science impact for a change? Rap isn't spoken in the real world where these students will be expected to earn their living.

If this really is in 10,000 schools across the nation it may well be in your child's school. What are you going to do about it?
Old Dead White Men I encourage you to go to the original article and vote in their poll.

In this down economy very few of us have the money to put our child in a "safe" school. We have to trust God to help our child survive the public school they attend. I believe it can be done. I've had times of plenty and times of financial desperation. I've learned that there are hundreds of ways to get the job done "without" money if you are willing to be creative and put in some extra work. Here's a few tips for surviving public school.

1. Find the time and a way to meet all your children's teachers, principle and staff. It will be harder for them to go around you if you are on a first name basis. Be pleasant and nice but let them know that you will be watching every paper that comes home and that you will be investigating the things that are taught.

2. There's not much a teacher can do to mess up arithmetic. But, it's important for you to be involved in the homework assignments and reading material for any class that could be used as social indoctrination. For example, History can be used to teach socialistic values. Health can be used to teach liberal views on homosexuality, marriage, dating, etc... Science can be used to teach against most any Biblical teaching.

Instead of watching TV, while your child is doing arithmetic - browse through his reading assignment in History. While he works on Science, check over his homework for health. We must be diligent in protecting history. Our children are often subjected to a socialist view of America. Make a game of learning "truthful" history together. (See end of post for several good books - also check out One Nation Under God posts on the Family Tracks blog)

Instead of telling your child that you are checking up on his school - make it a game. Insist that you want to be as "Smart as a 5th grader". Tell him it's easy to forget and you just want to brush up on your knowledge. Encourage him/her to be the smartest kid in the class. This will take some creative thinking to make it more appealing than giving in to the norm of being the most "popular" kid in class. Insist that there is a way to do both!

3. Once a week have a dinner to discuss current events and what the biblical perspective would be.

4. Make a game of discussing one biblical truth anytime you ride in the car.

5. Have at least one short conversation per week about how a biblical character faced a cruel world and yet became stronger. If parents could raise men and women in Bible times that could withstand the pressures of a fallen world - surely we can do that now! (Be sure and purchase my new booklet, How to teach your faith to your child.)

6. Be involved with their friends. Don't let the enemy sneak into your home through your child's peers.

7. Support your child's involvement in a good church. Belonging and having friends at church will add to his/her strength. It will also give them the strength to stand up for Christian values when they are attacked or made fun of at school.

8. Make sure your child understands that if there are problems, you will be his protector. Politely reassure your child's school that if there are problems in any area that you will stand up for your child.

9. Help your child - and the school - understand that there is only one reason your child is attending school....to learn facts and to know the basic principles of reading, writing, math and science. He/she is not there to find friends, to be indoctrinated with unchristian principles, the teacher is not his parent or his mentor and you are not giving up your rights as parents. They work for you - not the other way around.

10. Pray everyday that God will surround your children with his love and protection. Anoint their books and book bags and pray for God to make them strong.

Your children can survive and be strong even in public school....you just have to provide a plan. You can do it!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

You can find many more books on every founding father patriot at Amazon.com Please support this blog by using my link to Amazon. Thank you.

Why would anyone want to have children now?

2010-09-27T07:38:00.000-07:00

Our country is in chaos! Our world is on the verge of another world war! Murder, drugs, crime - it's all over America and the world. Why would any young couple want to have children now?

What if your child will be the person God had designed to bring this country back to Him? What if your child was destined to be the next Billy Graham or the next great gospel singer or the mother of the minister that would show millions to Christ? What if your child was God's pick for the president of the United States in 2040? What if your child is one of many that will join together to fight against the loss of our religious freedoms? Maybe she's to be the next great missionary and will have the powerful words that will change millions of muslims or atheists or buddist or whatever to God. What if your child may face danger....but his/her heroic acts will destroy the next Hitler?

"But Debbie, is it fair to bring a child into a life where he may suffer?"

"Suffering is a part of life. We all suffer in many ways. The only thing that makes our measly little lives count is that we Overcome suffering and that we get through those hard times with grace and with honor and with dignity. Avoiding pain while others suffer is the coward's way out. It's sad that even if your child isn't born....you've still made him a coward. You've made the choice for him."

"I'm not making that choice just because I don't want to see him suffer!"

"Yes, you are. You are saying to the world that your bloodline has nothing to offer. You couldn't possibly have a child that would be a strong hero or that would offer ideas and plans for a better future. Your only hope is that you give your child an easy enough time so he wouldn't have to work hard. You have said to the world and more importantly to God that you will not allow your future child the opportunity to be a major player in God's plan? Do you have that right?"

I hope you will watch this terrifying video and tell all your friends about it. The best way to conquer any country or any religion is quietly - by simply over populating them with another culture. God have mercy on us! While we play church and go about our selfish lives....the enemy creeps closer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gz1EMqp341I

Debbie....do you hate muslims? Asolutely NOT! But...I do think their religion or cult or whatever you want to call it is a threat to freedom of religion and other social freedoms. They believe that they have a right to kill infidels and they define that as anyone who is not muslim. When they enter a country it is not with the intent to blend in but rather to force their lifestyle and opinions on others. That is the danger. I have a link in the sidebar that will take you to a websiteIslam - Religion of peace? that will not only explain what they believe but will also list the ways they intend to carry out their missions. The most striking thing for me was to learn that they believe in lying. Lying to the infidel is not only taught it is rewarded.

I simply think we need to be informed and we need to be pro-active. I can't be the frog that thinks he's soaking in a nice hot tub only to find out too late that he's being boiled to death!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Amazing Children

2010-09-23T17:14:00.000-07:00

While I'm always in favor of allowing children the chance to "enjoy" their childhood....youth is the best place to develop talent. I hope you enjoy the following amazing children.

TVKim.com North Korean girl guitarist

Life in North Korea is unlike life anywhere else. Because the country it so closed off, we don't see much of it. But the pieces that leak out are strangely fascinating. That's especially true when it comes to children. North Korean children are extremely disciplined. Take Kang Eunju, for example. She is an amazing guitarist. But even more amazing is the fact that she's still in Kindergarten.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njG_dQC-cnk&feature=player_embedded

You probably remember Connie Talbot from Britain's Got Talent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cnRXmMn2Ag&feature=related

Here's a compilation of pictures with a song off her new CD

When parents want to tell me that hymns are old fashioned and that their children just won't listen to them, I'm going to refer them to two beautiful websites. First is Rhema Marvanne.com

You'll love hearing her sing Amazing Grace at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDDlxmsciqY

The second is a little Zoei Toh. You can find all her videos at http://www.zoeitoh.net/

These children are truly amazing. Though they are also special....the question remains. How are you helping your child reach his/her fullest potential. Even if their talents only consist of bringing you a diaper for little sister....how are you encouraging your child to be their best?

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Precious Pointer #8 Have Fun!

2010-09-22T07:02:00.000-07:00

Precious Pointer #8 Having fun should be a mandatory rule in your home.

Recently I was at a church party and watched a very good mom with her 3 children. While the rest of us talked this mom constantly corrected her children. If your an avid reader...you know how much I talk about training your children. In this case however, it was evident that the children were being corrected because mom was afraid of being embarrassed in front of her friends.

You must draw your lines carefully. While you must train your children, your home needs to be viewed as the best place on earth to be. That means there must be a marriage of instruction and fun! After all, the sweetest words a mom or dad can hear is, "I love my parents cause they are fun to be with!"

Tickle your children. Have fun nicknames. Go on lots of picnics. Laugh at silly movies. Hug them, sit by them, snuggle with them. Let them know they are loved and that you like being with them. All of this will strengthen their self-esteem and make it easier to handle the daily stresses that come along. Children gravitate to people that make them feel good. Make sure you are one of those people.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

New items on Family Tracks!

2010-09-21T17:44:00.000-07:00

I believe that children will excite and surprise us with their accomplishments if we give them the tools they need to succeed. I like to watch Glenn Beck because he does his homework. He not only describes what's going on - he provides resources and videos so you can follow up with your own research.

It's important for the future of our country that our children understand why we have succeeded so far, who we really are and what our founding fathers had in mind when we were created. But...I understand how difficult it is for any of us to find time in our busy lives to talk about history.

I found a website that can help. American Minute whether you support them or not, will send you an e-mail every day about the founding of this country. If you use the link in the sidebar....you will be directed to the daily short history lessons and my few comments on my Family Tracks blog. Here's the first link to get you started. Welcome to One Nation Under God

I encourage you to take the time to discuss these lessons at the supper table or on the way to soccer. I know that in time you will be able to help your child love and support America.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Public Schools? Really?

2010-09-12T14:42:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago as I sipped my morning coffee, I turned on the news. While listening to the first story I almost snorted coffee out my nose!

The Helena Montana school board wants to teach sex education in the first grade. They feel it's appropriate to explain body parts, what they are for and that it's possible to romantically love someone of the same gender. By the second grade they want to introduce the gay lifestyle and that it's inappropriate to use slurs against gays.

According to KRTV in Montana KRTV news "By fifth grade, they are taught there are several types of intercourse, and by the sixth grade, the draft document states that students should, "Understand that sexual intercourse includes but is not limited to vaginal, oral, or anal penetration; using the penis, fingers, tongue or objects."

Part of my mission is to help parents understand that children are impressionable. What you do in your home matters. The people that associate with your children matter. The things your children are taught....it matters. In my class, "Your rights in the Public School system" I explain that the school system can not and must not teach moral issues to your child - unless they revert to the 50's bible based value system. Why? Because if the morals of our children are being taught by liberal - motive based - individuals....our children will be indoctrinated with unacceptable views. Sex education in schools is not an attempt to help children is has always been about indoctrinating children to liberal views.
Even 25 years ago when my children were subjected to a mild sex education class that was abstinence based and covered more medical diseases than anything - I opted them out and used the material to teach them myself. I knew they needed my opinions on the subject and needed to be free from the jeers and lude remarks that would inevitably surface in a mixed room of pre-teens. I allowed them to take the test with the others but insisted that if there were questions of moral preference - they must use my explanations not the teachers. My children scored the highest grades in the class. And....my children remained "pure" until marriage.

If you look back to the Montana situation, the school board is saying to parents...."Give us your child at his most vulnerable age ( just 6 years old) and allow us to indoctrinate him/her to our beliefs." They cover their agenda with a smokescreen of "science and health" and make you believe that sexual orientation will only be a small part of the curriculum. What teacher would avoid giving an answer to a question simply because it's not "time" or on her lesson plans for the day.

So... let's look at this with a reality based situation and a logical mind. Let's say that you are a teacher in that school district. You are married but you have a sister that is gay. You are a democrat and very liberal in your thinking. You have no problem with abortion or political correctness as long as it is in favor of liberal thoughts. Your husband reads playboy and you think sexual perversion is a myth. You have no idea of the how many people you slept with before marriage and you are doing just fine. Sex for you is just a bodily function and therefore doesn't deserve any restrictions. Sex involves more science and health than it does purity. You feel superior in this area because you have studied science and not allowed the emotional or spiritual connection to invade the subject of sex. You wouldn't dare be a mean as he is...but you agree with Bill Mauer that most conservatives are just stupid and you need to find a way to enlightened them and force your beliefs for the good of all.

You receive the sex education curriculum as well as five letters from parents warning you not to indoctrinate their children. They ask for the dates you plan to teach this subject because they intend to keep their children home. First you are enraged that these parents have rejected your teaching abilities. Since all five of them are Christians and opposed to the gay lifestyle, you also feel that they have rejected your wonderful sister.

You calm down and decide that you are going to accept their horrible demands and do the best you can to teach their little monsters.

Hum.....Do you think it will be possible to stay neutral? How would you react to any "innocent" remark from that child if it was Christian based? If the subject was initiated by a student two days before the "Christians" were opted out, would you use that opportunity to have your say in front of those children? After all....you have to be responsive to other students too...right? Would you treat the Christian children different?

It has been proven and documented that teachers can't help but respond to a child's personality or behavior in the classroom. Teachers are not robots. Teachers will spend more time helping the polite child than she will helping the trouble maker. That's just human nature! I have a lot of friends and I love most of their children. But even when I'm consciously trying....I find that I have a hard time showing love and interacting with spoiled brats. When a cutie pie darling polite child lifts her hands and wants me to pick her up - I'm all about that. When I see a cutie pie little girl hit her mom in the face - I'm not so quick to want to hold her.

The same is true for teachers and other people that interact with our children. Their beliefs and moral choices will rub off on our children. We are our child's protector and while we should teach them never to be mean to anyone.....we must protect their little minds until our conservative beliefs are fully understood. We are not smothering them, we are simply making sure they have all the facts and aren't called on to make a decision before knowing "all" the facts. The school board president said, "I want children to have the facts so they can intelligently make their own decision." Since when does a six year old even want to make a sexual decision? For them it's still all about cooties and yucky girls or stupid boys. Isn't this an overt attack on the innocence of youth? If a child under the age of 12 can't testify in court because he can be swayed by the interviewer....why would we think a child under 12 can't be swayed by a teacher?

I feel a deep sadness for the children of this country. No child should be exposed to sex before marriage. AND....no child should have to be concerned with the facts until their bodies begin to change. Hollywood, books and unfortunately the public school system has pushed sex on our children and stolen the innocence of childhood. Parents must stop the onslaught!

Will you help? If you can find a way to connect with the Montana parents and give them our support....please let me know and I'll pass addresses on here.

I've always encouraged parents to consider leaving their children in public schools. Not any more. If you can afford it - please consider finding the best Christian school you can. Until we can get them changed, public schools are becoming your child's worst enemy!

What do you think?

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Precious Pointer #7 Set the Bar High

2010-09-03T14:35:00.000-07:00

#7 Set the bar high

Precious Pointer #7

Set the bar high.

All humans are capable of more than our finite minds can imagine. Don’t doom your child to a life of mediocrity by accepting low achievement. Rules won’t work. You can’t regulate success. But you can teach your children to reach for the skies. You can promote creative thinking and support a family philosophy of hard work. If you set the bar high and encourage your children to do their best – you will be amazed at their accomplishments.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Precious Pointer #6 Don't treat your children like dogs.

2010-09-01T14:28:00.000-07:00

Precious Pointer #6

Don’t treat your children like dogs.

We feed dogs and provide for their general care. We pet them on the head and maybe take time to housebreak them. After that – they are on their own. Children need more than dogcare. They need training.

Of course, if you follow Ceasar Millan you would know that even dogs become unstable without proper training.....but....for children especially....It’s your job to prepare them for the future – to train them to have a successful and happy life – and that takes time, lots of time.

If you love your children enough to provide lots of training, teaching, counseling, explaining.... the rewards will be staggering.
Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Precious Pointer #5 Never Punish bystanders

2010-08-30T14:09:00.000-07:00

Precious Pointer #5

Never punish bystanders.

Punishment is an action that should be kept between you and your child. If your child’s restriction causes disappointment to another child, it will make you the villain rather than the teacher. Public punishment will cause your child to dislike you rather than evaluating his wrong. His friends will dislike you and you will become the brunt of jokes.

Think about the feelings of the birthday child or parent when you say no to their invitation. You are punishing them and the success of their plans. Your child will be missing from the party, the guest list will be lower, the parent who spent the money to provide for your child will be disappointed and hurt and the birthday child is minus a gift or his favorite friend.

Consider the teacher or church that produces a nice play or event but must scramble to find a replacement when your child can’t attend. How will they feel about you when they have to work overtime so you and your child can work out your disagreements.

It's much better to teach your child that commitments must continue. Restrict him before and after but not during an event that involves other people. By being sensitive to their needs you will teach your child to be sensitive to others and to respect you for your compassion. Never punish bystanders.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Precious Pointer #4 Life must be fair

2010-08-28T14:04:00.000-07:00

Precious Pointer #4

Life must be fair

At least in your home!

Children do not respond to the old saying do as I say – not as I do. If it’s wrong for them to yell, then it must be wrong for you. If they can’t lie, neither can you. And…if they catch you doing something you shouldn’t, you should apologize –accept punishment and teach them that breaking the rules is wrong at any age. If rules aren't fair children will always question them and they lose their importance. It would be confusing to anyone no matter what age if the rules kept changed just because you kept breaking them.

I once let my son put me on restriction because I broke a rule. It was a great way to help him understand that I was committed to being a fair parent and that our only goal was to live by “truth”.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Precious Pointer #3 "No" is a great word

2010-08-27T14:04:00.000-07:00

Precious Pointer #3

“No” is a great word.

You can ease the stress of parenting if you teach your children that no is a great word. No can protect you from harm. No can eliminate things you don’t want. No can keep you on track to getting the things you do want and reaching higher goals. And no can keep you out of trouble.

Too many children are only taught that “no” is restrictive to something they want. If you teach them that no is a helpful word they will be more receptive to explanations that explain your requests or rules.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Watch out for potholes!

2010-08-24T11:53:00.000-07:00

The worst damage my car ever suffered from was when I didn't see a pothole until it was too late.  I tried to swerve and couldn't miss the gigantic hole in front of me. I dented the underside of the car, busted the tire and sent all of us crashing into the curb.

Have you ever felt like that in your personal life?  Someone you trusted hurt you.  A company you worked for stole your future. A dear friend became a devastating enemy. The love you offered was trampled like so much dirt. You didn't see the danger ahead and it hit you with full force.

C.S. Lewis advised "Don't ever give your love, even to a dog. Someday it will crush you."

We've all let someone down or been hurt by the decisions or actions of another. But...there is no hurt greater than being hurt by a child. Sometimes the hurt comes in full frontal blows. Sometimes the hurt is because we have to stand by and watch them make bad decisions. Sometimes the hurt is in the form of embarrassment. Have you ever had to listen as a mom went on and on about her teenager who has gone wild? The pain seems to spill out like oil dripping from a busted car.

And then the real damage begins to show. The blame game. Why didn't I see that coming? Why didn't I take care of that? But I taught him better! Why would he do that?

Here's the biggest piece of advice I can give to any parent. Whether it's a newborn, a teen or an adult.....children will not remember the things that were not emphasized!  They do not get information by osmosis. Yes, they watch your life for added emphasis and understanding - but real depth to their understanding must come from teaching. Unfortunately, It's impossible for you to cover everything. If I sat with a child from the time it was born until the day he died and we talked 10 hours a day, I could never cover every life issue he would need to learn or consider. And....there wouldn't be time to just "live" life.

So...the reality is that whatever you choose to promote in your family....that will be something your child remembers and allows to become a part of his life as well. And, by the same token, whatever you neglect in your life becomes an open door for problems. Satan is very good at finding those doors and sneaking in.

Your job then is to make sure you have a plan to cover all the things that you feel are "vital" to your child's success. Big job - yes! But....you can do it.

And about all those things that you can't cover.....Forgive yourself and then Forgive your child. Continue to teach and instruct and then move on as you ask God to cover you both with his love and forgiveness.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Children are so fun!!!

2010-08-23T06:12:00.000-07:00

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.

He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Innocent Faith

2010-07-17T03:49:00.000-07:00

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones' chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own heart. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a response equal to four-year old David's comment.

Gently she tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart. "Listen", she said..."What do you suppose that is?"

He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap - tap - tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin and he asked,

'Is that Jesus knocking?'

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Teach your children to love excellence

2010-07-14T18:48:00.000-07:00

Is this your routine....

Rise at 6am and rush to get two kids dressed and fed, one husband awake and yourself ready for work. Yell and scream until the kids are in the car. Drop them off at school, rush to work and speed through your day. At 3:15 you are tapping your nails on the desk wondering when the children will get in the house and call you. Finally at 3:25 you know they are locked in and safe. At 5:05 you rush out of work, stop by the store and grab something for supper. You rush in, throw your purse in the corner, change clothes and start supper.

You nag until hubby gets off the couch, gobbles his supper and takes the children for lessons....any kind of lessons. You use this time to prepare lunches for tomorrow, do a couple of loads of laundry and snore in front of evening news.

Hubby returns with children and you ship them off to their room to finish homework, get a bath and in bed. You take a quick shower, set out your clothes and fall asleep before brushing your teeth.

The whole thing starts over the next day. Saturday isn't a day of leisure. It's run day. Run to sports events, run to the store, run to pay bills, run to find that dress you need for a wedding and run for family time at McDonalds.

Sunday isn't a day of rest either. It's pop up for church in the morning, lunch with grandparents, a trip to the library and home to do the laundry and get ready to do it all over again the next week.

When is there time for training? Training about how to have a friend, how to love God, how to do your best? Training about honesty is the best policy, don't hit girls and don't take advantage of boys.....when do we teach our children all the things they will need to know in order to have a great life?

It's important to teach your children not only about life but to "love excellence". Teach them to appreciate different styles of music and art. Teach them too appreciate anyone who has talent and to praise them for using that talent in a good and excellent manner.

Teach your children to be the best they can be and to reach for the stars!

Catus Cuties can be a great example of children who learn the value of hard work and being the best you can be.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

How to teach your faith to your children

2010-07-13T14:04:00.000-07:00

The booklet is almost complete! I have a little more to add and then I'll post it on line for download. I'm so excited to have finally completed this booklet. It is 15 power packed pages of information on how to be successful as you teach your faith to your child. So many parents struggle with this issue and then feel guilty if their young adult walks away from the faith. I know this booklet will help.

Today I want to share something I only briefly mention in the booklet. I ask....What problems must be addressed for a child to accept your faith? Problem #5 Teaching disciplines of faith is not a priority in your church.

In counseling with children who are struggling with their faith, most problems center on the fact that they don't know the Bible and they are clueless about what their church or parents believe. Part of the problem with both churches and parents is that they say one thing and do another. This produces another deadly "philosophy" lurking in most churches that will kill a child's chance to live a consistent Godly life.

Many churches have bought into the "contemporary" thought that an individual life doesn't matter. In other words, if an individual slips and falls spiritually that other Christians should do the polite thing and look the other way. We should make them feel comfortable in their fall and that way maybe they won't leave the church in shame. Unfortunately this is extremely confusing to children. This confusion can lead a child to believe that sin is relative and that God won't really punish you for doing the wrong thing. They will think, "Oh, the Ten commandments are just suggestions on how to live. God won't really send you to Hell. He loves everyone." (check out my grandmother's illustration in the God's House series The Pastor's role in the church - Part II

Why would a child be confused by this type of contemporary theology? At home, when mom says "do this" and you don't do it, what happens? Punishment. It's necessary for a child (or any adult that's still learning) to look at the world in black and white terms. Do this get a reward. Do it wrong and get nothing - or punishment.

It's like a writing technique Angela Hunt (Awarding winning fiction author) explained. She said that all new writers needed to learn the rules. "Writing is artistic and there will come a time when you need to break the rules. But....you can't do that successfully until you've spent time learning and obeying the rules."

That's great parenting advice. We need to understand that between 0 and 15 a child is learning all the rules and obeying them so that someday he/she can break the rules wisely and only when necessary - without ruining their life.

If they break rules before they even learn them....chances are they won't ever learn the reasons behind those rules. They also will not have lived in the shadow of those rules and won't understand the protection they provide.

Your child needs to see other families and adults obeying the rules. And if they fail, your child needs to see the consequences of those failures. I'm glad that we no longer kick people out of the church when they fail. And...I do believe we should try to counsel those people and help them get back on track. But....they should not continue to teach Sunday school, sing in the choir or stay on the board. There must be consequences for sin. And if they aren't in a position of leadership, it's important to carefully (with God's love) point out the personal consequences for their sin.

Don't children just get it by reading the Bible?

NO. How much of your life do you trust to reading the writings of America's founding fathers? Its great reading and you may agree with it, but most of the time you will base your decisions on those readings "PLUS" things you have learned from "people" in your family and others you have watched their lives. Leaning must be rooted in our daily lives to actually become a part of us.

I don't like knowing someone is watching me. I think it's rude and not Christian somehow to look at someone else's life.

Hum....what planet do you live on? We are all being watched. My children watch everything I do. My friends are watching my life. My husband watches me. My parents watch me. People I work with are scrutinizing everything I do. All I have to do is announce I'm a Christian and every liberal I know is taking notes on my life. We watch celebrities, newsmen, politicians and pastors. AND THE BIGGIE.....God is watching you!

If you are offended by my eyes, what in the world do you think God is doing? Or....maybe you don't think he's really watching. Maybe you think most of the time his back is turned and what you do really isn't noted. Unfortunately, he knows it all. He knows what you whispered in your husband's ear just before your child's conception. He knows what you said to a waitress in a town where no one knows you. He knows what you said in confidence to your doctor. And he knows the awful things you screamed about when no one is home to hear.

The rest of us are nothing compared to what God sees and hears. And that's the point. Your child needs to trust the truth sprinkled through the entire Bible....the truth that there's nothing you can do to hide from God.

Take Adam and Eve? It was just an apple for heaven's sake. Why was God so mad? Why did they have to leave the Garden? Why didn't God provide a way to get back in the Garden? It was just a silly little apple. What about Moses? He was a good man. He was the reason millions were freed from the slave pits. He was a great leader. But he threw the tablets in a moment of frustration and anger. It was no problem for God to write them again. If he could put stars in orbit re-writing the tablets was nothing. But disobedience was huge! You child needs to understand that it's not the act - it's the disobedient heart that will cause trouble every time.

Disobedience is huge with God! If your child doesn't realize that, he will always have a tough time with his faith.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

The Silent Killer of American Values

2010-07-07T12:19:00.000-07:00

I know I take a terrible risk writing this post. There will come a time when I could be killed for speaking about such things. But....since my freedom still exists, now is the time to pass this information on. If you want a better life for your child....now is the time to understand this post and get busy!

For years I've been saying that the best way to return America to it's roots is through our children. I've written blogs, mentioned it during talks on family life and even shared it on radio. Yet....very few parents jump on board and make a commitment to raise their children with a political or evangelical goal in mind. (If you have made this commitment - please leave a comment and let me know!)
The family has been attacked for years. We've stood silent while ACLU and every other liberal organization has tried to destroy the family. We've allowed liberals to use political correctness and diversity as a way to strip us of our voice and the power to change the future. Parents have jumped at any progressive psychological philosophy to raise their children as long as it was "easy" or didn't require them to be wise or invest in their child's life. You have no influence - is the battle cry for progressive psychology. You can't change your child or help them to live a better life. Just put up with your child's bad behavior - if you try to change them you will "abuse" their inner self-esteem.

America believed that non-sense and now we are shocked when the adults of that kind of parental philosophy have entered Washington and are destroying our country. Duh!!!

Let me share the statistics again......for the thousandth time.....

If we had just 800 parents that accepted the challenge to raise their children by God's principles and who promised to encourage their children to be involved in political matters.....we could change congress in 20 years or less. How?

800 sets of parents having two children each would produce 1,600 children. If only half decided to seek a political career that would be 800 children. If only 1/4 of them won their seats, that would be 400 dedicated Christians in Washington - we could take over. Can you imagine if "every" Christian parent dedicated themselves to that role? Can you imagine all the side effects of that goal....preachers, school teachers, school boards, writers, etc... Our country would be taken over by a generation of sold out Christians.

But Debbie....what about all the little details in getting there? How can you discipline without making your child hate you? How can you keep your child in your faith? How can you keep your love strong and yet insist that a child do what's right? I've been told you can't.

YES, You can do it! Progressive psychologist are lying to you. You can have a happy home. You can make a difference in your child's life. You can have an influence on society!

E-mail any question or concern and I'll give you all the information you need to handle that problem.

Now let me give you proof that "families" will take over America. No matter what your thought about muslims, this video explains the silent killer this country faces. While we are fighting for our political freedoms, we are being overcome at the family level. We desperately need to raise strong "Patriots" that will stand for our faith and for the freedoms this country was built on.

Remember that if Muslims become dominate, it is part of their faith to establish Sharia law as the law of the land. And if you don't adhere to Sharia law....you die. Imagine for a moment how you would feel if you knew your great grand-child was going to be executed for speaking against Muhammad. How would you feel if you knew their hand would be cut off because they stole a pencil. As protectors of our children we need to understand the possible future and how to train our children to protect their own freedoms. Check out this article Top ten reasons why Sharia law is not good.

You can find this on You tube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9atIjykihkc

Still don't believe me? Read Brigitte Gabriel's books or contact her on line and she will tell you that muslims teach that having 20-50 children per male is the only way to take over the world. Yet Americans are taught that having more than two children is too expensive.

Recently a young newlywed announced that she and her husband had decided not to have children. "It's just too dangerous to bring a child into this world." I responded...."Well, then we are all doomed. If every devout Christian decides not to have children - evil will flourish and take over the world. What we really need to do is train our children to face the dangers of this world with the word of God and with God by their side. That's how you make the world safe. You don't run from danger, you run to face it with God's power."

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Life must be fair

2010-07-01T12:01:00.000-07:00

Life must be Fair

Precious Pointer #3

Children do not respond to the old saying do as I say – not as I do. If it’s wrong for them to yell, then it must be wrong for you. If they can’t lie, neither can you. And…if they catch you doing something you shouldn’t, you should apologize –accept punishment and teach them that breaking the rules is wrong at any age.

The best way to frustrate a child and push them into rebellion is to let them think that what's right for you is wrong for them. It's confusing and it will cause rebellion and multiple misunderstandings.

I once let my son put me on restriction because I broke a rule. It was a great way to help him understand that I was committed to being a fair parent and that our only goal was to live by “truth”.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

A fair life will produce an inferior child

2010-06-29T19:54:00.000-07:00

I was talking with a parent last week who was concerned about how unfair life is to children. I agreed that there are vermin in our society that will do anything to destroy or steal our children's youth.

When the conversation drifted into how unfair the grading system was or how unfair sports and contests were......I had to be honest.

"Oh...I see....so you want your child to be inferior." (by inferior I mean unable to handle the knocks and bruises of life)

"What? No I don't. I want them to be the best they can be. I don't want an inferior child. Why would you say that?"

My Answer:

Children learn a lot of things while they are growing. They learn how to walk, how to talk, what happens when they pinch another child, how to read as well as a host of valuable information about their world.

Everything in their little lives becomes a lesson. All their successes are lessons and probably more important - all their failures are lessons. Show me a child that has never failed at anything and I'll guarantee that they are headed for horrible times as an adult. Why?

1. If they have never failed, but they see the results of failure in other lives, they will probably become "fearful" of failure. They will form the opinion that surviving failure is awful. No one gets through this life scot free - and that includes failing. Everyone at some point in their life will face failure. Blessed is the adult that had to face failure as a child and therefore learned from his parent's tender understanding that you CAN survive failure.

2. If they have never watched their friends win while they come in second or lower in their achievements, they will view every minute detail as a failure. In other words unless they can be the ultimate winner, they will view their own accomplishments as failure. What an awful way to live. Think of all the fun times you might miss if you always had to be top dog. Think of all the friends you will miss when they get tired of always being around a "top dog" philosophy.

Think of all the money your adult child will spend on counseling when he has no friends, a fear of failure and an unhealthy desire to always be on top...."it's lonely at the top - and the pressure to stay there is enormous since everyone else will be clawing to remove you from your throne."

Think of all the time "winning only" adults spend trying to be top dog rather than having a good life.

3. Childhood is a practice run for adulthood. If you keep your child from experiencing disappointment or failure, they will be the first to sign up for psychological care when they face adulthood. Adults are constantly hurt. The job doesn't pan out. The boss is mean. The pay isn't what it should be. The baby cries too much. The wife demands too much. The husband was mugged. The family lost their savings to a crooked accountant.

Life isn't easy and it demands an adult that can weather the storms without coming apart. Life demands a strong adult that won't whine or blame their problems on other people.

A mediocre adult is usually one that has been pushed as a child to always be a winner or a child that's been sheltered from experiencing the pain that others have to endure.

Of course we have a duty as parents to be sure that our child can handle what he faces. No child should be bullied or physically hurt. But...every child should have a loving arm around his shoulder and a good parent to lead him/her through acceptance of loss. The most disabled adults I've ever known are people who simply can't handle pain, failure or loss.

And the beautiful side of learning to deal with failure - ta da......a child that wants to keep trying. The result is a child that pushes himself to try harder. (The key here is that the child keeps pushing - not the parent.) The result is a Beautiful adult that is centered and strong when everyone else is losing their cool. Teaching your child to face failure and pain will ultimately lead him full circle to being a mature, well balanced lifetime achiever. He won't accept mediocrity but he will forgive himself when things don't work out right.

Wow! Sounds like an exceptional adult to me!

So where do children learn how to be strong adults?

When they are the bottom player on a losing team - Don't give them a trophy. Instead encourage them to try again next year. Point out their strengths and places where they do excell. Expect them to accept their failures and enjoy their strengths. Be their guide through those failures and show them how to survive with grace.

When they fail math class, don't fuss at the teacher. Ask your child to evaluate his study skills. Get your child a tutor. Be your child's tutor. Ask and encourage them to try harder. Don't demand a grade they didn't get.

*Debbie's pet peeve - pass fail grades. How awful! This will train our children to accept mediocrity. Always hold the carrot out a little further than your child can reach. Always appreciate the valedictorian because they can be a role model for all the children to try harder. Besides, why pull the valedictorian down just because your child won't study harder?

Always be your child's cheerleader for things he does right. Even the little stuff. Cheer him/her on with "good job" even if it's just making the bed correctly.

Never allow your child to take credit for something he/she didn't do. And that also applies to you the parent. Help your child with their homework - but don't do it for them. Not only does that teach them to be lazy, it also teaches them to lie. (I know one child that lost his first very important job - why? Dad had done more of his homework for college. When he received a terrific job after graduation his all A's did not reflect his true abilities and it took only three months for an employer to fire him.)

Finally.....give your child wings. Encourage, encourage, encourage! Expect them to try new things. If they fail - teach them to laugh, accept it and try something else. Let them know that real success is not in the final prize, real success is in the journey.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Children are Imitators

2010-06-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

Precious Pointer #2

Children are Imitators

Children live by the rule of Show don’t tell. Like little ducklings ready to follow mama duck anywhere, your children will imitate your actions.

Demands on your children won’t have the same impact unless supported by your actions. If you don't want your child to scream and pitch a fit, don't let them see you screaming or out of control. To prevent a sassy teen – teach your child how to handle conflict without anger.

Stay calm. Keep your voice low and show them that it’s possible to accomplish compromise without elevated tempers. Show them the proper way to act in any circumstance.....they are watching!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

#1 You Can Do It !

2010-06-27T17:39:00.000-07:00

Precious Pointer # 1

You can do it!

Don’t believe the lie that you have no control over the outcome of your child. There is overwhelming evidence that you can parent your child successfully – no matter what challenges you face.

An Unruly child is not an inevitable consequence to reproduction. It is possible to live in harmony with your child.

Read books, attend seminars, talk with professionals and love that child with
all your heart. God gave you all the tools you need to get the job done!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Precious Pointers

2010-06-27T17:21:00.000-07:00

The water for noodles boiled over and sent a gummy foam rushing to your floor. Your two-year-old vomited on your new living room furniture. Rushing your son to the bathroom, you bust through the door to find your four-year-old daughter covered in the expensive face cream you bought last week. Your cell phone rang but slipped out of your hand when your son wiggled, screamed and knocked it into the toilet.

You need a little love, a little encouragement and maybe a thought or two to help you when this happens again. What you don't need is a long book to read, a discussion or debate on the joys of parenting or a blog entry that seems to go into infinity.

Precious pointers is a quick tid bit of information that may lift your spirit or give you insight into your child. With no more than 120 words, it's a quick read that will help you raise those tiny look-a-likes that run around your home.

Check back often and see if there's a Precious Pointer that fits your need.

#1 You Can Do It

#2 Children are Imitators

#3 "No" is a great word

#4 Life must be fair

#5 Never punnish bystanders

#6 Don't treat your children like dogs

#7 Set the bar High

#8 Have Fun with your child

#9 Don't waffle

#10 Age appropriate Discipline

#11 Parenting is a process

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Happy Father's Day!

2010-06-20T20:18:00.000-07:00

Father's Day is an important day to celebrate. My Dad is a wonderful man. I often tell him that whatever I accomplish in life it will be because of something he taught me. Of course, I feel by mother that way as well....but for different reasons.

Pick ten of your favorite blogs or sites and read over the reasons they give for why they appreciate fathers. You'll probably find things like dependability, strength, sportsmanship, love of nature.....All wonderful traits, but about the same for everyone. Some people feel like Dad is just in the household for the fun element and to pay for everything. "Dad's just wanna have fun..." or something like that. But...if Dad's don't offer anything to their children in the way of guidance, what's the difference in them and an absent father?

My Dad is an unique man and has a full and varied resume. A minister for over 60 years, he's also been a missionary pilot, subcontractor, missionary around the world, author, painter, musician and the list goes on and on. In the above picture he was on a worldwide missionary trip and was standing by a mine field in North Korea. No, he wasn't the kind of missionary that stays in swanky hotels in the protection of the city. He road elephants through jungles and preached in some of the most remote places in the world.

People often ask me what made him a great Father. I think a great father is someone that is "pleasingly" different from mom. Not opposites or fueding wills, but enough so a child gets to see two sides to every situation.

For example, Mom was all about feelings and emotions. She could look at a person across a crowded restaurant, approach them by saying something like - "Are you okay?" and within a few minutes she knew their personal history, all they were going through and would often end her conversation with a prayer. Wow! She was the same with me. She always seemed to pay enough attention to my body language that she knew what was going on in my life. No way to hide anything from her.

Dad could sort of do that....but not to the same extent or for the same reasons. He was more concerned about the mind and the inner heart. He would feel bad if I was sad, but instead of being emotional, he would find a helpful book or would delve into all the why's about the situation. He's one of the reasons I can be a Mommy Detective. He taught me to look at life and figure it out.

Between them I was given a great education about life. I knew how important it was to show emotion, to love deeply, to care about others feelings and to wrap my arms around them in support. I also knew how important it was to study hard, to search for answers and to ask those bold questions. I knew how to dig for the deeper meanings and how to end all that learning with another hug for support.

The best part was when their talents overlapped. When Dad spent two hours crying with me and letting me know he was concerned about my problems or when Mom spent an hour searching the scriptures to find just the right one I needed for a lesson. It gave me hope that I could take the good from each parent and make my life the best it could be.

Perhaps as we end this wonderful Father's day, douse the last embers of the campfire and close the bag of marshmellows with a rubber band - we should ponder this question....

As a Dad, what is my personal life teaching my child? What will they remember about me that helps them become a better person?

Thanks Dad for all you taught me. I'm a better person because of you.

I love you,

Debbie

Cesar Millan & Parenting Series

2010-06-19T11:56:00.000-07:00

If you would like to follow the Cesar Millan series....here's all the links

#1     http://mommydetective.blogspot.com/2010/03/children-are-not-dogsright.html

#2     http://mommydetective.blogspot.com/2010/03/what-do-children-really-need.html

#3     http://mommydetective.blogspot.com/2010/03/your-child-must-trust-you.html

#4     http://mommydetective.blogspot.com/2010/03/imbalanced-children-are-in-state-of.html

#5     http://mommydetective.blogspot.com/2010/04/primal-instinct-in-dogs-and-in-children.html

#6     http://mommydetective.blogspot.com/2010_04_01_archive.html

#7      http://mommydetective.blogspot.com/2010/05/good-advice-cesar.html

Good advice Cesar

2010-05-28T12:23:00.000-07:00

I found this video. It's great advice. His last point about helping our children help others is terrific. I think most bullies and many "jerks" in the world come from children who have low self-esteem because they were not taught to think of others. Children need to practice giving to others. They need to give to their families, their churches and their friends - without being paid!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5y1quNg5yo

This video is great advice as long as you couple it with your faith in God.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Parenting takes courage

2010-05-07T07:47:00.000-07:00

The biggest problem for most parents today is a lack of confidence and courage. It is possible to Google any parental problem and get a thousand or more sites that will give you at least hundreds of ways to handle that problem.

Unfortunately most of all of those sites will have an agenda and most likely will give you the wrong advice. Or...even worse....they will lead you to believe there is nothing you can do and no way to tackle the problem. Instead, they will advise - just smile or pray or in some way try to avoid the problem and hope it goes away. In other words, they encourage parents to be passive and to give up. They insist that there is no way a parent can influence a child to be a better person. (Hogwash!)

Children across this country are emotionally starving because they need strong leaders to help them navigate life. In the absence of a strong leader at home, children try to fill that role without experience, wisdom, compassion or a true definition of love. Even worse, when they feel their parents can't provide leadership or proper love - children reach out to other delinquents at school to fill that void. In Cesar's words, they join a pack at school - a wild pack ruled by animal instinct rather than an honest view of life. Mom and Dad cry....Grandma prays.....and society says "Don't blame the parents they have enough guilt already."

I don't believe in nagging and using guilt to force anyone to do anything. BUT...there's a bigger problem here. If we are so worried about "guilt" that we remain quiet about "TRUTH" - the battle for lives and souls is already lost.

No one in this life has ever changed a habit - bad or good - when their life was successful and everything was going right. Have you ever heard someone say - "Everything in my life is great! I think I'll change it all around." Of course not. The only time we think of changing things is when we are hurting or when someone says to us...."If you keep doing this bad thing, you will have major problems down the road." That is one of our biggest roles as parents....we are the voice of reason that insists our children can live by higher standards. Enlisting compassion and love, we can help our children achieve and be much more than "society" thinks is possible. We can lead them into God's Higher Plan for their lives.

My point is this....Either parents need to have the courage to "Parent" and to say "NO" and to lecture their children on the evils of certain practices - or we are doomed to a future generation that will self-destruct!

When I look at young people who are self-destructing, my first question is - "Where were the parents?" Why didn't they get involved? Why didn't they do something to change this child's focus? What did they do when they were four or five? Why didn't they develop a strong sense of communication with that child? Perhaps they did and the child still chose a delinquent path...but, the question needs to be out there. We need to encourage more parents to get involved. Children aren't plants; they need more than food and water.

In every show I've watched with Cesar Millan - The Dog Whisperer - he always says, "I train people so their dogs can be balanced." It's always the owner that needs instruction and when the owner changes his ways, the dog instantly changes as well. Parenting is no different.

Yes, once a child is an adult we no longer have the same influence over that child - but what I did do when that child was 5 or 6 that will certainly help them now. Children are like masterful paintings. When you use a paint by number kit to copy someone else's work - one color and one stroke of the brush goes into one small shape. But when the master is painting, it's done in layers. There may be several colors on top of each other with edges blended and different brushes and strokes used. What you do to help your child understand life at age 7 will be the base coat for everything that comes after. He will build on those teachings and come to a specific philosophy for his life.

Rule #1 however, is that you must first know the rules of life. You must first know and understand that lying will get you into trouble. Only then can you explain it to your child. Only then will you have the courage to insist that lying will not be tolerated. Only then will you have the courage to discipline bad behavior.

You can't be a trusted leader for your children until you know and follow the rules yourself. Your children won't trust you as their leader if you demand they tell the truth yet you lie to your boss.

Perhaps the first rule of good parenting is to get your own life in order and make a commitment to live an honest life in front of your child. But....that will take a lot of courage!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Spanking vs.discipline vs. touching and Cesar Millan

2010-04-14T14:27:00.000-07:00

Anytime I mention discipline some parents wince and question me about spanking. Anytime I mention spanking, I receive negative e-mails and comments. I believe that anytime any form of discipline is used in anger - it will not produce good results. That's why I'm against "spanking" as a whole but for "popping". Spanking suggests an out of control, let me at that wayward child attitude. If the definition of spanking for you means a trip to the woodshed and a leather belt - I'm definitely against that!

Let's look at both sides though. Some people think a soft word and a time out will do the trick. The last time I watched Supernanny, a mother tried the time out thing over and over. The child just got up and ran away screaming. Finally totally frustrated, the mother dragged her child by one arm to time out. She slammed her down in the chair and proceeded to scream at her. That out of control Mom was just as destructive emotionally as a light spanking. I've wondered how to explain to parents that a "pop" on the behind can snap a child out of destructive behavior and may not be as harsh as yelling at them as you drag them out of the mall while 58 people look on and shake their heads?

Again Cesar provided a new way to explain what I have done with the children I've helped. I've probably watched 100 shows with Cesar Millan. Yesterday he spent more time than usual on his "touching" method. Some owners are very worried about hurting their dogs - especially smaller dogs. Most parents are extremely worried about hurting their children and therefore reject any form of physical reprimand. Yet, when a dog is in a high level of energy and wanting to act out Cesar remains totally calm and yet assertive.

He explains, "I have to have a method of snapping them out of their "red zone" thoughts. I am calm assertive and yet I must gain their attention. That's when I choose one of three methods. I either yank on the leash - pulling their head up so I'm the only thing they view.....or....I use my foot to tap their behind and move it to a different position - which will also make them look at me and therefore snap their brain into a different place.....or....I use my hand and form my fingers to represent the bite pattern of another dog. Then I tap their neck with my hand as if a dog had just bitten them. To touch them in this manner is not painful. It's simply a strong touch that snaps them out of their present thinking. This along with a noise will snap them out of their present state of mind causing them to look at my face and eyes. When they look at me they see dominance and determination. They know that I am not going to let them get away with their current behavior. Now we can move on."

He goes on to caution that dogs don't relate to words and sending a barrage of commands after them only causes them to tune out the human and continue doing what they want to do. (How many times has your child ignored your constant nagging or shouting commands?) It's the touch that snaps their mind into a difference place. AND by releasing immediately....the dog understands that if he goes into a red zone behavior he will be disciplined....if he relaxes and goes into a submissive behavior - the discipline is withdrawn.

So.....how can we relate this to children? I personally don't believe that a simple time out and sweet words will handle an out of control child. Time out works when the child is calm, but not so much when he's out of control. If you've read my book, Discipline Exposed, you know that I believe in thinking outside the box. When your child is calm you can try different methods to change his mind and get him on board with your decisions. But when he's out of control, you must snap him out of that red zone mentality. While I promote some "popping" I don't believe in an excessive amount and I definitely think it should be discontinued once you can have a conversation with your child.

But...what do you do when your child is pitching a fit and out of control? You've thought outside the box and provided discipline in other situations that have solved those problems and actually increased self-esteem. This situation is different. In Cesar's terms your child has escalated to the "red zone" and is totally out of control. Remember what Cesar says....if you give affection and sweetness while in the red zone - you only make them more powerful and the misbehavior more desired. Children are very much like out of control dogs in that when they are in the red zone their actions take on a primal or animalistic approach. They won't find reason in words and simply are going to force their way on you. If you don't take control at this point - you will never have control from this point on. So....

1. As if you were jerking the leash, grab both arms of your child and bring his face nose to nose with you. Repeat this sentence in a calm assertive manner..."This is not acceptable and you will stop this right now." If that doesn't stop the behavior, go to step two.

2. If they do not understand words, a simple "pop" on the behind may snap them out of the red zone long enough for you to continue with #1. If they are old enough to understand conversation, pick your child up and sit him down continuing to repeat the sentence in a calm assertive manner...."This is not acceptable and you will stop this now!" If he doesn't calm down and instead escalates even further....go to step three...

3. Nose to nose repeat this sentence - remember your energy must be calm and assertive, not angry. "Either stop this now or I will stop it for you." If they don't stop, then you must go to number four.

4. This is for the most extreme cases of red zone behavior. I call this the love wrap. You sit down and put them in your lap. Wrap your arms around their arms and chest. You must not pull or stretch their arms. You are just holding them in place. Wrap your legs over their legs so they can't kick. Calmly and assertively continue repeating this sentence...."I love you very much but this behavior is unacceptable. I cannot allow you to continue this behavior. You must calm down. I won't release you until you calm down."

This is important....you must follow through and stick it out. As long as they are in the red zone you must stay with them. No matter how exhausting for you, you must NOT give up on your child. If you give up on this exercise...you child will never believe you again and will continue to test your boundaries and limits.

I always try to get control of a child at home. You don't want to allow your child to suffer from a low self-esteem because you tried to control him in front of others. When I was challenged in a store, I left my buggy and immediately took him to the car so we could deal with his behavior in private. I also NEVER reprimanded a child in public. If my child was misbehaving say at a birthday party, I took him to a private bathroom to deal with his behavior - never in front of others.

Your goal is to have your child learn social graces and have good experiences with others. If he feels frustrated and embarrassed every time he goes into a social situation, it will take him 20 times longer to master the skill.

One last comparison to Cesar. He makes a big point of releasing the leash the moment you get the desired behavior. It's the same with children. If your child has escalated to the red zone and you followed through with any level - once he calms down, you should release your grip. Your face should turn to a smile and the verbal training should begin.

"I love you so much. I can't allow bad behavior. It's not good for our relationship and it will hurt your relationship with others. Some people may not like you if you can't act properly in a social situation. I promise you, that if you do what I'm asking - it won't hurt and you will have better friends, more fun and someday a better family of your own. I'm very proud of you and the fact that you settled down. You can do this, I know you can....." and on and on. Give lots of hugs and smiles. Your child must know that you are proud of the fact that he's calmed down.

Cesar loves to say that most of the time it's not the dogs he trains, but the owners. Don't be afraid to confront your child and take leadership of your home. Just like the transformation of dogs on his show, I personally know and have witnessed that same quick transformation of children once they know that you are their calm assertive leader.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Primal Instinct in dogs and in children

2010-04-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

For decades I've promoted what I believe is fact - "Children naturally want to obey their parents".
I don't believe that children naturally want to disobey. I believe when a newborn receives care from adults that as he/she grows the natural response is to desire praise from those same adults. It's only when the parent breaks the bond that you will see major problems.

Yes, if you are a Christian, we believe that children are born into a sinful world and that we do have sinful desires. But....children can be trained to ignore those desires.  Without training and a parent's guidance, children do not have the tools to resist temptation.

Contemporary psychology tries to sell the idea that parents have no control when it comes to teaching their children how to resist temptation and live better lives. It's much easier for psychologists and parents to just "give up" rather than try to help/change their children.  I also believe when a parents gives up their child will recognize negative "energy" and their response will also be negative. At that point with no real leadership....a child will not only feel anxious but attempt to fill the void of leadership by taking over.

Anytime I'm faced with a difference of opinion, I try to be a detective and ask tough questions. If helping a child move beyond temptations negative energy is impossible - why are so many people successful in training their children to do better? For example, many parents fail at helping their children socially - yet that same child is "trained" to make grades a priority. What's the difference? Some children are disrespectful to parents but can contain their speech and actions when reacting to grandparents who may give them an inheritance. Why is money a motivator and love isn't?

Anytime you ignore a "Primal" trait, the waters get muddy. Listen to what Cesar says in his book Cesar's Way. "As diverse as they are, the dogs work together as a pack. Their deepest, most primal instinct guides them to follow me, their "pack leader," to obey me, and to cooperate with one another. And each time we go through this exercise (a morning run), I am more closely bonded with them. This is how nature intended a dog pack to work."

That leads me to ask the question, "How does God intend a family pack to work?"  Proverbs 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. It doesn't get much clearer than that. When we are presented with a child, we are responsible. Parents determine the outcome of that life. We must train that child. That includes every area of his life. If we want our children to follow, obey and cooperate - we must be calm, assertive and trustworthy parents or pack leaders.

In my book, Discipline Exposed, I insist that one of the biggest issues in childhood rebellion is that our children have been taught by our actions that we can't be trusted. When they loose faith in our ability to be trusted or to lead - they will rebel and go their own way.

The biggest Primal Instinct in your child is this......They want to trust you to guide them, to protect them and to be their leader. Have you ever watched a child's face as they brag on their parent?

When was the last time your child could brag on you? Not just because you gave him a toy or gave her a time with friends - but when have your children bragged on your character, your wisdom or your talent? If your child has a hard time doing this, you are not fulfilling his primal need.

How can you get back to that primal need?

1. Bond with them. Do things outside of the "no" world like playing a game, taking a walk, watching a movie together, eating together, talking about some current event or even just shopping together. They may not admit it to their friends, but they want to be close to you.

2. If you've let them down in any way - apologize and don't ever go there again. Nothing is worth letting your child down or breaking a promise. No job, friend, class or amount of money is worth losing the respect of your child.

3. Make sure they can trust you and your word.

4. Discuss every issue in a calm assertive way. Leave your emotions out of the problem and discuss the facts and the validity of right and wrong in the matter.

5. It takes 10 compliments to cancel out one negative statement. Make sure you do the math and don't contribute to an overly negative home.

6. Always let them know how much you love them and that you want them to be part of your life. Be interested in their lives, desires, hopes and dreams. Get to know your children.

There are many ways to create a bond....but hopefully these will get you started. Remember your child wants you to be the leader and your child wants to obey. Give him a chance to show you reciprocal love.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Imbalanced children are in a state of panic

2010-03-31T11:52:00.000-07:00

Last time we talked about how your child needs to trust you in order to have balance. Why does "total" trust stop or redirect imbalance?

Imagine you have just been mugged. You had three thousand dollars cash in your purse and you were on your way to buy a used car for your son. He needs a car so he can work part time and earn money for college. Your dreams and plans have just been derailed and to top it off, the mugger broke your arm and you won't be able to work for 6 weeks. Hysteria takes over and you are out of control.

The police officer grabs your shoulders and gives you a quick shake. "Ma'am, Ma'am, snap out of it." For some, that may be all that is needed. Others will continue the hysteria. Let's say you are one of those. In order to get you to calm down, your husband reaches over and punches you on the arm. "Debbie...snap out of it!" You hit back and it becomes a free for all. A policewoman enters the picture and grabs you from behind so you can't move your arms. She forces you into a chair, hugs you tightly and calmly and forcefully speaks into your ear, "Its okay, we will take care of this. You will be fine. Calm down. We can't help you unless you are calm." She doesn't let go until you calm down.

What's happening here? The policewoman is taking over the situation. She isn't angry, she isn't aggressive, she's providing "calm assertive energy". She's telling you by her voice, her energy and her leadership that you can trust her and it's okay to relax.

That's trust. That's what you need to do with your children. They need to understand that no matter what the situation, you will be able to be the leader and that you "DO" know best. They need to trust that you won't deal with them in anger or frustration. There needs to be a non-verbal understanding that you need their respect and trust in order for you to provide a calm atmosphere....and that you promise never to let them down.

Trust and Training will provide a calm atmosphere. But....as Cesar says....you must first believe that you are "in charge" or in the role of "pack leader". If you don't truly believe you are the leader - neither will your children!

Remember....there is a difference in being in control (pack leader) and being a dictator. Being a pack leader doesn't mean that you take away your child's freedom to have an opinion. Being in control simply means that you have rules, boundaries and that you both will work to deserve each other's respect.

All of this happens non-verbally before any instructions or demands are made.

As Cesar says.....you can't lead if you are weaker than they are. Any situation demands a leader and if you abdicate that leadership, they will instantly take over. When parents allow a child to become the leader, they won't ever be able to control or redirect their behavior.

Set boundaries, give support and comfort, be in control and respect your child's needs. These are some of the things that must be in place in order to have a calm relationship with your child.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Your Child must TRUST you!

2010-03-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

For years I've watched parents struggle with their children. I knew their parenting skills seemed disjointed and weak, but how could I explain my talent for calming stressful situations?  How could I teach them to be like me?

I've often walked into a situation when a child was out of control and within minutes he's sitting quietly in my lap. What was the difference and how could I explain that to the parents?

Most of the time parents want to dismiss my abilities by claiming that any "stranger" could gain control simply because they were "new" to the situation. In other words, children only disobey when they feel comfortable with someone.

That excuse didn't ring true but I couldn't put my finger on the underlying cause. It wasn't until I watched several episodes of The Dog Whisperer that it all clicked. Cesar Millan calls the talent "calm assertive energy." This works with dogs because they watch their masters for clues. They have to watch their surroundings in order to survive.  They can't talk, can't write and can't read. The only way they can determine the right thing to do in any situation is to watch the "clues" given by their master's (or pack leader) tone, body language and attitude or "energy".

Wow! Guess what....until your child can write, read or talk....they are watching you for clues. And even after they can write, read or talk....your clues are still permeating the air around them.

Want proof? Work yourself into a nervous frenzy about your child taking his first step and imagine him falling and poking his eye out. Hold your hands out nervously repeating the words over and over, "you are going to hurt yourself if you try to walk." Jerk your hand away when he reaches for you and see how quickly he will recoil and not be sure of what he wants to try.

The only reason our children try anything new is because we provide "positive" energy and support. When my children were babies my next door neighbor had her first child - or so I thought. She called me in a panic. "He's crying because he doesn't like me. I don't know what to do!"  Luckily Ron was home so I rushed right over. The baby was only a week old and mom looked absolutely frazzled.

"Watch!" She screamed. She picked up her quiet child and he began to scream. She handed him to me and he immediately calmed down. I continued to hold the infant and sent her to bed for a nap. She said she hadn't slept for two days and that he cried most of the time. I diapered and fed the baby, sang him to sleep and put him down for a nap as well. I called my mom to come get my own children and settled in to spend the day with my neighbor.

When my neighbor woke I explained that children can feel stress in your hands. We talked for a bit and I learned that she had lost twins. One at birth and one to SIDS. She was terrified of losing this baby as well. He had been given a clean bill of health and there was no reason to believe that he would have any problems.

I explained that she would have to "assure" her child through her "touch" that she was in complete control. In other words....her baby had to be able to TRUST her to provide for him and protect him from any harm.  He would be judging her abilities by the way she handled him - or in Cesar's terms - by her Calm Assertive Energy. All day we practiced breathing techniques, being honest with herself about her previous children and being calm when she picked him up. By the end of the day she was able to diaper and hold him with confidence. The crying stopped and days later I received roses with a note - "He's the best baby in the world - thank you." The truth is that he was always the best baby. He hadn't changed - she had.

If your primary concern is work and rushing around - your child will pick up on it and act accordingly.

If your primary concern is quiet - or stay out of my way -  your child will pick up on it and act accordingly.

If your primary concern is not fairness within the family but rather silence so you can watch TV - your child will pick up on it and act accordingly.

If your primary concern is rest at the end of the day rather than spending time with your child - your child will pick up on it and act accordingly.

Your child must TRUST that he is the most important thing in your world, that you want him there, that you know what you are doing and that you can be trusted to help him have the best life possible.

If you can't convey that to your child - your child will not respect or honor your directions. He will try to take over and rule the roost. He will be out of control in his demands.

If you don't know how to do this parenting thing - STOP - don't keep stabbing in the dark. Take some classes, read a book, educate yourself so you can be the (pack leader) Leader of your family and your children. Maybe you should even watch a few episodes of The Dog Whisperer. Then start your training with my book, Discipline Exposed and become the parent your children can trust! Or, write me for help.

Good parenting demands complete TRUST between you and your child.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

What do children "really" need?

2010-03-29T18:42:00.000-07:00

In Cesar's first book, "Cesar's book" he talks about how much his dogs have meant to him.

" I owe a lot to dogs. Obviously, I owe my livelihood to them, but my gratitude goes much deeper. I owe my balance to dogs. I owe my experience of unconditional love to dogs and, as a boy, my ability to overcome loneliness. I owe my understanding of family to dogs, and they have helped me learn to be a better more balanced "pack leader" with my wife for our kids. Dogs give us so much, but what do we really give them in return? A place to sleep, food, affection...but is that enough for them? They are so pure and unselfish in sharing their lives with us. Can't we take a deeper look inside their minds and hearts to discover what they really want?"

Doesn't that remind you of children? We learn so much from them. Balanced children are understanding, give unconditional love, provide companionship, are unselfish and innocent in their view of the world. Unfortunately, unbalanced children are just the opposite. They argue, cry, pitch temper tantrums, seem to be anti-social and can act out at the most inconvenient times.

All of us want children that not only will add to our lives but will grow to have wonderful lives of their own. So....what causes a balanced newborn to turn into an unbalanced toddler or preschooler? What causes a sweet two-year old to turn into a rebellious ten year old?

That's what we will be discovering in the next few weeks. For now, let's take a look at the needs of your child. As Cesar said about dogs...."What do we give them in return?" That applies to children as well. They can have all sorts of toys and items that we think they might like, but if we miss one of their internal needs, imbalance will occur.

Our first lesson will be "Trust". If your child can't trust you to be everything she needs, to research and promote Truth....your child will feel frightened and will react improperly.

Check back and I'll explain how important TRUST is to your child. Until then, ask yourself if your child can trust you 100% to do the right thing.

You can find even more information about trust in my book, Discipline Exposed.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie