Tenderness and Love - The best parenting tool of all

The first three years of a baby's life is consumed bonding with Mom, Dad and close relatives.  They snuggle, coo, laugh and fall asleep contented to be in your lap.  A baby's mind is learning to trust you as his protector while developing a strong bond to look to you as his teacher and mentor.  Touch becomes an important tool of communication. Your main job is not to mess that up.  When he's able to move about, you must instruct your baby about his new world.  That often means that you will have to use the word "no."  Anytime you reprimand him, you must always use a template of tenderness and love.

Push his little hand away from the stove while you repeat the word "no".  Make sure he understands how dangerous it is to get near the stove.  When you are finished instructing him, kiss that little hand.  Tenderly let him know that he is loved and that your only reason for intervention is because you want to protect him.

Continue to use this template for every instruction you give your child.  While there may be times when you have to be a little more harsh in order to get the message across - never leave his presence without a wink, a dash of tenderness and some type of kiss or hug.  Your child must always be assured that you love him.  Even when he moves into the toddler age and begins to explore the world around him - most of the time they continue to look for Moms or Dads face for approval.  Forever they are linked to their parents with an insatiable desire for approval and acceptance. 

Why is this so important?  Once the template is used....once it's firmly in place....it will guide you all through his life.  Even when the strands of anger or rebellion enter his teen life - he will remember that he is loved and he will fight to maintain that love.  I know it seems like his anger is more important - but I've never met a child (or adult for that matter) that doesn't desire parent approval even when it isn't expressed externally.  The only time I've seen that desire destroyed is when a parent hasn't respected the template or when they have allowed the child to be disrespected, hurt or abused. 

The most success I've ever had in calming down stress and anger between parent and child is when a parent has used this "template" of tenderness and love during the course of a child's life.  When tempers flare all it takes is for Mom or Dad to place a loving hand on the child's shoulder and anger will start to dissipate.  Children who have been raised on tenderness and love - even when home rules are strict - those children will almost always respond favorably to a resurgence of love.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

How to survive a long car trip with young children

Help!  My husband and I are going to drive 800 miles to grandma's for Labor Day.  We have three children ages 3, 5 and 8.  They are active and we worry that the trip will be unbearable.  Please tell me you have suggestions to help us survive.



I’m so glad you asked this question. Most parents gear their vacations for family fun but neglect to consider  the attention levels and physical endurance of their children.  The extended excitement an adult feels can't be sustained by a small child.  While you may think the anticipation of riding grandma’s new horse is anticipation enough to keep you excited on a 12 hour car ride, a child’s excitement for one goal will only last about 20 minutes at most. After that, the immediate needs will kick in and if you are not prepared it’s going to be a long boring, frustrating ride.

Until high school and the training it takes to stay focused on long term projects, children have a difficult time with long range goals. It’s good to have the goal of “When we get to grandma’s we can do…” but you must also have 30 minute goals. Don’t dumb down your child by simply putting on video after video until you arrive. The day after “couch potato” day can be very difficult as well. It’s much better to keep your child moving and thinking even in a car.

Fun can be achieved even on a 12 hour car ride...but you must be creative and prepared.
1.  Be sure your children have had a good nights sleep and a good breakfast before you start.  I know this sounds simplistic, but I've talked to a lot of parents who say they like to start the vacation with a bang.  They suspend all rules (which isn't exactly bad) and let their child stay up the night before watching movies.  They hope they will sleep the next day and give mom and dad a peaceful ride.  They each grab at donuts and then try to stay calm and focused the rest of the day.  Nope....sorry....won't work.  Most children respond to headaches and tummy aches by being agitated and out of sorts.  It's much better for children to get their proper rest and a filling meal. 

2.  Make sure each child has what they need to feel comfortable.  Personal pillow, blanket, a cuddle toy or maybe comfy slippers.  If possible, give each child their own space and room for their own belongings.  Tight cramped uncomfortable seating will deliver a miserable ride.

3. Make sure you have lots of fun music. Even with seat belt laws you can teach your children to do what I call “Chair dancing”. Get them to move their feet and hands around in specific motions. If you do this every 30 minutes or so, you can avoid that antsy feeling children get when they’ve been still way too long.

4. Make a chart that children can see and look forward to. List times for Chair dancing, verbal games and bathroom breaks. If there are any fun stops along the way list those as well. The smaller the increment between interesting things to do, the quicker time will pass for your child. Be sure and also schedule quiet time, book time, snacks and naps. THIS IS NOT A WRITTEN IN STONE SCHEDULE. If you’ve planned book time and your child is having fun with a hand held game…don’t interrupt. Your written schedule is just a suggestion of the things you have in your bag of tricks and when to use them.

5. Try to pick sleepy time snacks. Your child won’t be ruined by one day of different eating routines. If a full tummy helps your child relax and sleep, don’t insist on a salad or simple carrot sticks. Let him have the large shake if it means he will sleep a little longer and give the driver uninterrupted quiet time.

6. When I took trips with my three children, I packed each one an activity bag.  The bag included favorite cups, toys, activities and at least two new things.  With these bags I could call "activity time" and each child could do something they wanted to do.  After all, not every child will want to color.  Perhaps your three year old will want to color while your 8 year old will want to thread a new beaded bracelet. 

7.  Make sure there is family time.  Present a snack of some kind and talk with the children.  Ask them all kinds of questions followed by a tickle session or a contest for the best joke.  My children loved the silly songs of Ray Stevens.  Even at 4 Ken would try to sing along or would laugh at the silliness of the song.  If you have fun, your children will too.  Don't anticipate a bad ride.  Instead lead your children in a chorus of laughter as you ride through each town.

8.  Teach your children to look around, enjoy the view and pay attention to the scenery.  Make a bingo game that has a different object in each square.  Laminate the cards so each child can use an oil pencil to mark on the lamination.  This can be wiped off and the game used over and over.  My children loved looking for lakes, tractors, water towers, bridges, churches, cows, red cars, schools, and restaurants we had never heard of.  Ron said it was also helpful that they were on the lookout for firetrucks and police cars.

9.  While most men don't like to stop a lot and you certainly don't want to extend trip time....it is helpful for children to stop at regular times.  Make it a game to see how quickly each of you can get inside, go to the restroom, get a drink of water and get back to the car.  Perhaps the one with the most wins from the day will receive a small prize or an extra dollar to spend during the vacation.

10.  We liked to play the "Did you know" game.  This game helped to prepare my children to see grandparents they really didn't know.  It's played like 20 questions only it has to be something about the people you are visiting.  I still remember the look of awe on my twins faces when they learned Grandpa went to France after he was drafted.  Their eyes grew big when they discovered he cooked for 500 men.  I'll never forget Jamie asking Grandma why she didn't give up and let grandpa do all the cooking.

I think the most important piece of advice I can share with you is to stop thinking of the ride as a possible problem.  Instead, try to understand how hard it might be for your children and get creative in how you can help them enjoy the ride.  Rather than thinking how you can "punish" them into being quiet; try to invent creative ways to help all of you have a great time!

Have fun and enjoy the ride.

Seeking His Wisdom, 

Debbie

Screaming pre-teens

Did you know that the frustrated screams of the pre-teen and teen were actually set in motion when your child was a toddler?

What? No one told me that.

How we handle frustration or anger is a learned response.

Handling conflict properly is a trait that every parent teaches whether you know it or not.  This particular trait is one that is "just in the air".  Most traits have areas that you child won't pick up just by being around you and therefore you must spend 50% or more of your time teaching them how to acquire the proper trait. 

Handling frustration and confrontation is a bit different.  How we handle frustration is 90% learned through observation and only 10% taught.  That means that no matter how much you insist that your child remain calm during confrontational times....if you lose your temper - so will they.  If your first response to a difficult situation is to throw barbs, your child will too.  If your immediate response to an accident is to demean the individual, your child will learn to do the same.  If you use guilt as a means to try to control your child, they will learn to heap guilt on you as well.

In order to prevent the out of control outburst of the preteen and teen years, begin teaching your child at an early age to do the following when facing stressful situations.

1.  Take a deep breath before you speak or make any sounds.
2.  Ask questions first so you can get all the information you need to react properly.
3.  If the situation is scary - express how you feel in soft tones first, then  try to evaluate the situation.  This will help the other person understand that your fear will cause you to respond differently.
4.  Force yourself to talk slowly so you won't elevate the situation to a screaming match.
5.  Take a moment to think before addressing the problems.  This will also allow the other party to calm down.
6.  Never bring personal attacks into a "problem solving" situation.
7.  End every confrontation with a compliment and a hug.


But what if my child is older?  Is there still time to fix the problem.  My child is already screaming and it's driving me crazy.  I'm not sure either one of us is going to make it to the teen years.

It's going to be harder to correct a bad habit that is already ingrained, but it can be done.  Just remember that it won't take place overnight.  Especially since you are trying to change your own habits while you are teaching your child a new habit. 

First of all....make it fun.  Make a game out of responding properly.  Place a large poster board somewhere out of sight to visitors.  Keeping a chart of outbursts for each person is vital to the game.

Start small - everyday with only four arguments wins a red star.  7 red stars equals pizza.
The next week the goal would be only 3 arguments would win a red star.

Every argument where you or your child remembers to close his mouth, take a deep breath first and then speak in soft tones.....earns a gold star.  7 gold stars wins a movie rental.

Reaching big goals should be accompanied with a highly desired prize.  Something like a special outing, a party with friends or an item that's not normally in the budget.

There also has to be a negative to the game.  Every outburst of temper or yelling costs a quarter.  At the end of the week the quarters are given to the person with the least amount of outbursts.

You get the idea.  Make curbing your temper and your voice a game.  It will be easier to get the message across if both parties play the game. 

Remember that the purpose of this game is to change not only your life, but the life of your child.  Learning how to handle conflicts and frustrations will....
help your relationship with them
help them at school
help them in their faith
help them in their marriage
help them with their children
help them on the job
and make them better citizens....

You can do it!  You can change your child's life in a huge way.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Gifted Children

Parents of gifted children are proud of their accomplishments.....until there's a personality or social problem. I've often heard mother's of gifted children remark, "Sometimes I wish he was just average. At least then I could reach him."

It's often hard for gifted children to respond to social interactions properly. That's when it's important for parents to get down on their level, see the world from their viewpoint and then develop a plan to help them deal with their issues. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying we should leave them where they are or give them an excuse to continue bad behavior.

What we should do is "train" and help them to understand their own feelings. This understanding can often help them respond properly to the world they live in.

The following characteristics are not always present in every gifted children. Don't worry or search deeper for them if they aren't readily seen.  Use the following simply as a guide to help you understand your child and as a guideline to help you parent a gifted child properly. Just as you shouldn't punish a child for being a child....you also shouldn't punish a gifted child for being gifted. Instead, look for ways to help them use the special gifts they have to respond and excel socially.

Your Child's Characteristic
1.  Keen observer; naively receptive; sense of the significant; willing to consider the unusual.

Possible Problems:
1.  Overly intense focus; expects others to see the same significance; occasional gullibility.

Your Child's Characteristic

2.  Inquisitive attitude, intellectual curiosity; intrinsic motivation.

Possible Problems:

2.  Asks embarrassing questions; seems strong-willed and may resist direction; excessive in interests and behaviors; may be less influenced by extrinsic rewards.

Your Child's Characteristic

3.  Ability in abstraction, conceptualization, synthesis; interest in inductive learning and problem solving; enjoys intellectual activity.

Possible Problems:

3.  Rejection or omission of detail; may resist practice or drill on basics; questions teaching procedures; divergent thinking may not be appreciated.

Your Child's Characteristic

4.  Interest and ability to see cause-effect relations; enjoys considering concepts; love of truth and fair play.

Possible Problems:

4.  Difficulty in accepting the illogical - such as feelings, traditions or matters to be taken "on faith"; difficulty in being practical; worry about humanitarian concerns.

Your Child's Characteristic

5.  Desires consistency in value systems, behaviors and what is learned; enjoys organizing things or people into structure and order.

Possible Problems:

5.  Tends to construct complicated rules or systems; May be seen as bossy, rude or domineering; may try to organize others.

Your Child's Characteristic

6.  Acquires and retains information quickly.

Possible Problems:

6.  Impatient with slowness of others; dislikes routine and drill; may resist mastering foundation skills; may make concepts unduly complex.

Your Child's Characteristic

7.  Large vocabulary and verbal proficiency; facile in expression; interest in reading; broad information in advanced areas.

Possible Problems:

7.  Need for specialized early reading and vocabulary; parent/teacher resistance to reading; uses words to escape or avoid situations; becomes bored with school and age-peers; seen by others as a "know it all".

Your Child's Characteristic

8.  Thinks critically; has high expectancies; is self-critical and evaluates others.

Possible Problems:

8.  Critical or intolerant toward others; may seek perfection; overly self critical; may become discouraged or depressed.

Your Child's Characteristic

9.  Creative and inventive; likes new ways of doing things.

Possible Problems:

9.  Need to invent for oneself; may reject what is already known; may disrupt customs or plans of others; rejects cliches; seen by others as different or out of step.

Your Child's Characteristic

10.  Intense concentration and long attention span; persistent, goal-directed behavior.

Possible Problems:

10.  Resists interruption; neglects other duties or people during periods of focused interests; stubbornness.

Your Child's Characteristic

11.  Sensitivity, intuitiveness, empathy for others; wants to be accepted by others.

Possible Problems:

11.  Sensitivity to criticism; vulnerability to peer rejection; need for success and recognition; conformity and underachievement; need for peer relations in many types of groups; expects others to have the same values and outlook on the world; may feel different and alienated.

Your Child's Characteristic

12.  High energy, alertness, eagerness; periods of intense efforts preceding invention.

Possible Problems:

12.  Frustration with inactivity or absence of progress; eagerness may disrupt others' schedules; needs continual stimulation; may be seen as hyperactive.

Your Child's Characteristic

13.  Independent in work and study; prefers individualized work; self-reliant; needs freedom for movement and action.

Possible Problems:

13.  May reject parent and peer group pressures; non-conformity or rebellion; may drift into unconventional interest areas.

Your Child's Characteristic

14.  Versatility and diversity of interests and abilities; many hobbies; proficient in art forms such as music and drawing.

Possible Problems:

14.  May appear scattered and disorganized; lack of homogeneity in group work; seeks flexibility and individualization; frustrations over lack of time; others may expect him to always be competent.

Your Child's Characteristic

15.  Strong sense of humor; ability to laugh at self.

Possible Problems:

15.  Sees absurdities of situations; inflicts puns on others; humor not understood by peers; may use humor to avoid problems; may become "Class clown" to gain peer approval.


As I said before....these characteristics and the problems they may cause are general and not present in every gifted child.  I would suggest that you use the information first by praying and asking God for wisdom, then by observing (this should be a constant practice), keep your evaluations to yourself but compare them to the above list and finally put all the information together and create a plan that will best serve the personality of your child.  My prayer is that this information will help you "lovingly" parent your child.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Example of Mommy Detective at work

Several people have asked me for an example of what I do.  In order to protect the individuals, all identifying details have been changed.

A young mother from another state called to see if I could help her adopted daughter.  She was only three days old when they received custody.  She spent most of her infant life in and out of a famous research hospital.  Her real mother was on crack during pregnancy and the child was born addicted.  There were many medical problems but once she was stabilized, every issue was resolved.

At age two and a half she was introduced to food.  Every time she tried to eat something of substance she would throw up. Mom was a wreck. The child had gone through all kinds of medical testing to determine possible digestive problems. When everything checked out normal she went through all kinds of behavioral testing. Mom, Dad and child returned to the world renowned hospital and saw several behaviorist.  They tried several things in their offices but the final conclusion was to bring the child to the clinic once a month for intravenous feedings. Otherwise she would never have the nutrients to grow properly.
Mom was beside herself with worry. She heard about me and begged me to help.  I told her I didn’t know if I could but I would love to come to supper. She laughed and said, “Supper?”

“Of course. How else am I supposed to see what’s going on if I don’t watch the actual situation? I need to come at least 30 minutes ahead of time so I can see your family in action. I don’t want to talk about the problem but rather want to be treated like a friend who came to supper.” She agreed.

I arrived early and watched as the family prepared for supper. The child happily drank milk from a bottle.  Mom introduced the sippy cup and insisted that she try it. She glanced at me and whispered, "I know I need to get her off the bottle but I worry about it.  That's the only nutrition that she actually receives.  How can I take that away?"  When the child fussed, mom gave in and returned the bottle.  Tears ran down her cheeks as she glanced at me and rushed around the kitchen preparing supper. 

The child sat at the table and took a few bites of pudding. She mushed it around in her mouth like any child would do.  She played with small bites of regular food pushing them around the plate with her spoon.  Mom and Dad continued to urge her to eat.  Finally she put the small bite of food in her mouth.  Within seconds she gagged and threw up the milk, pudding and bites. Mom hysterically grabbed her and ran for the bathroom. She cleaned her and prepared her for bed. She was given a clean bottle and lots of attention. Dad cleaned up the table and looked exhausted and tired.

Mom hugged me and cried on my shoulder.  "Please, can you help us?  I don't know what to do?"
"I don't know if I can.  I need some time."  I thanked them for supper, collected her medical papers to study and told them I wanted a week to pray and think about it.

A week later I called mom and told her I would take the case. I asked if I could come for supper again.  I also asked if I could bring my poodle. I arrived an hour early so the child and I could play with my dog Bandit.

I brought a large chart to be hung on the wall. I explained that their hysteria about the situation only made it worse. Their child was taking her clues from them and the more nervous they were the worse they made the situation. If she threw up at supper, they were to sit still and let me show them how to handle the situation.

I also brought a box of small baggies.  Everything the child ate from now on must be measured.  If we decided to introduce some new food, it would have to be cut into small bites, counted out and put in a baggie.  The child would be given the baggie and what she ate would be recorded.

The chart had spaces for each day and a listing of what she ate during that day. Everything that went into her mouth was to be counted and listed - no matter how small or insignificant.  If she ate three small pieces of cereal today and yesterday only had two small pieces – then we were making progress. The chart was more for mom and Dad to see the progress that was being made and therefore would keep them calm and not so worried. It would also be something they could show to the doctor and hopefully avoid those dreaded IV’s.

My research revealed that the child was in and out of the hospital so much that “chunks” of food wasn’t introduced until she was almost two and a half. Babies have a window of curiosity about food. If that curiosity window is missed, it is possible that the child will “learn” to prefer liquids to solids. Chewing is a learned response that happens very early and usually accompanies teething. Add to that the possibility that she had an extremely sensitive gag reflex that could be triggered by un-chewed food and voila – vomiting would occur. On the previous visit when I watched the child attempt chunks of food – I didn’t see chewing. Instead the child pushed chunks of food around in her mouth as if it were pudding. My goal then was to teach the child how to chew.

Have you ever seen a dog chew? He uses his back teeth and curls his lip so it’s easy to see the chewing process. That was perfect for showing a child what to do. Besides, dogs are fun for three year olds.

First I held Bandit until the child was comfortable with her.  Then I sat on the floor and showed the child how Bandit loved to eat.  I brought Captain Crunch peanut butter cereal.  It was small enough for the child to eat, would crumble fairly easily and Bandit loved it. 

I let Bandit have a piece and I laughed hard.  "Look!  Look at how Bandit chews.  Isn't that funny."  The child giggled and pointed to Bandit.  I used every trick I had to appear fun, animated and excited.  My eyes were wide, I was smiling ear to ear and I clapped and laughed for every chew.  The child wanted to feed Bandit as well.  I let her give Bandit one piece and we all clapped and laughed. 

I immediately changed the rules.  "Oh wow!  Let's play a game.  Bandit loves games.  No one can feed her unless we eat one first and chew like Bandit. Daddy, come sit by me and let's see if you can chew like Bandit."  Dad sat on the floor and I gave him a piece of cereal.  He curled his lips and chewed loudly.  We all clapped and laughed.  Then he gave a piece to Bandit and we all clapped and laughed again.

Mom leaned over the counter and said, "Can I try?"  I gave her a piece and we repeated the same scenario.  The child was wildly excited and wanted to try.  I gave her a piece and she immediately wanted to feed the dog.  I stopped her by gently placing my hand over hers.  "No darling, that's not the game.  Watch Debbie.  I took her piece and ate it (clapping and laughing) and then gave another piece to Bandit.  "You have to eat a piece like Bandit so she will know what to do.  Can you chew like Bandit?" 

The child smiled and shook her head yes.  "You will have to show your teeth like Daddy did.   Daddy, show me your teeth."  Daddy chomped his teeth together and I laughed and clapped.  "Look at my teeth."  I chomped and clapped.  I opened my hand with a piece of cereal.  "You can't feed Bandit anymore unless you can chomp your teeth like Daddy."  The child grabbed the piece of cereal and chomped like Daddy.  I went wild.  I clapped and laughed.  Mom and Dad clapped and laughed.  I quickly handed the child another piece.  "Quick, feed Bandit before she forgets how to chew!"  The child fed Bandit and clapped and giggled while she chewed.

For 15 minutes we played the game.  It even included Dad being so excited that I asked him to stand on his head.  We had a laughing rip roaring good time.  And...I counted 18 pieces of cereal that she ate. 

Supper was ready and we sat down to eat.  Mom had trouble smiling without tearing up.  Both Mom and Dad wanted to talk about what had happened but I steered the conversation to a more generic topic.  I didn't want the child to hear us talking about her situation.  Instead I continued the game.  When Mom sat the plate in front of her child, I intervened and asked her to keep it beside her instead.  "Let's play the Bandit game while we eat."  Three adults sat through an entire dinner eating loudly and chomping like dogs. 

The child wanted to play.  I had mom give her one bite at a time.  We all watched, clapped and laughed as she happily chomped away.  She had five bites of dinner, two bites of pudding and then hopped down to play with the dog.  This was the biggest solid meal of her life - and no throwing up.

While planning this possible solution I had to be concerned not only about teaching the child to chew, but also all the things that might go wrong.  For example, what if the gag reflex was the biggest problem?  She might try to chew and swallow but as the pieces of food scraped along the throat, the new sensation might cause her to gag.  That would be disastrous to my plan.  The loud clapping, cheering and laughing - along with the excitement of watching Bandit should have been enough to distract her from new sensations in the throat.  A three year old's attention span is about 45 seconds long.  I needed more time than that to introduce a new habit.  Bandit knew several tricks and if the child lost interest in chewing, I could introduce a new trick to catch her attention.  Asking the parents to be involved not only kept them from being nervous, it provided a plan for them later - along with lifting the spirits of everyone in the room.  We took a normally "downer difficult" situation and transformed it into a party like atmosphere.

I promised to come back in a week and told the parents to call me if they had problems.  They were to continue the "party" atmosphere as long as it took to make sure the child didn't gag and learned to chew.  I also gave them instructions on how to introduce new foods and at what texture level to introduce them.

The mother called me 6 days later with a problem.  "I don't know what to do.  She is eating great!  She hasn't thrown up at all and I'm already amazed at how much she is eating."

"I'm confused then....what's the problem?"

"She loves pizza and that's all she wants.  She eats the other stuff I present but she whines and cries for pizza.  What should I do?"

I laughed out loud and congratulated her.  "Welcome to the world of normal parenting!"

Being a Mommy Detective means that you look for clues to your child's behavior.  Most of the time it's not obvious and it's not what we think the problem is.  Children often get all mixed up in their evaluation of the new world around them.  It's our job as parents to find out the "real cause" for their problem and introduce a creative way to solve those issues.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

You can be a scientist- no experience necessary

Just a few days ago Fox news announced a new study had been released on the effects of parents allowing their children to drink alcohol at home.  The report proved that children who watched their parents drink or had free access to alcohol  - those children often had problems and/or addictions to alcohol.

Well duh!  Of course, that's a contradiction to the studies that came out 15 years ago informing parents that it would desensitize children to alcohol if you didn't make it a taboo.  If they were allowed to try it or had access to alcohol that they would be less likely to become alcoholics.  After taking that advice we now have the largest young drinkers ever in this country.

I'm having a real problem with scientists.  My grandmother (who only finished the 10th grade) was right about life choices more times than any scientific research to come out since the 40's. First it's okay to smoke, then it's not.  It's okay to use saccharine then it's not because it will give you cancer.  Now it's okay again.  First eggs are bad and will increase your cholesterol, then it's not the egg it's your physical makeup, then it's your heredity.  First plastic is good, then it's bad, then it's good but only if you don't use the microwave.  Now it's only good if it's BPH clear but only on Saturdays during months with r's.  Ahhhh....!!!  Scientific data seems to reflect the opinions of the researcher and is only as reliable as he is.  I rarely pay attention to those people anymore.  They will get you into trouble and they don't have to suffer the consequences.

I think it's much better to be my own scientist.  I do what they do and it gives me the assurance that I'm living the life I should.  Now, don't get me wrong - I haven't turned them off completely.  I still listen to what they "think" they've found, but I test it against what I have proven to be true.

So what do they do?  They ask questions, think outside the box and always wonder why.  They search for every fact no matter how small and assemble those pieces like a big jigsaw puzzle. 

That's it!  It doesn't take a degree to be a researcher.  It does take a degree to know how to mix chemicals or how to develop medicine for diseases.  But...the beginning process -ESPECIALLY FOR SOCIAL PROBLEMS -that doesn't take a genius to see the answers clearly.

Let's try a problem and see how we do. 

There's a group of psychiatrists that believe the best way to have a healthy marriage is to be willing to allow your partner to have an affair. 

1.  It seems the first puzzle piece we need to look at is how many people who have had affairs end their marriage in divorce.  After all, it can't possibly be healthy for your marriage if your marriage ultimately ends in divorce.

2.  Even if your partner agrees that it's okay to have an affair....are there any consequences for the individual.

          a.  diseases
          b.  harbored guilt
          c.  mixed emotions
          d.  can you really let go and return to your spouse without feelings of loss or desires that remain?
          e.  fear of rejection from others who do think it's wrong
          f.   fear of family members or children who may find out
          g.  fear of God's judgement (if you believe in God)
          h.  makes it easier to ultimately leave because the tight bonds with your spouse are now broken
          i.   makes it easier to leave because you have somewhere to go

We could probably go on and on with this list.  While this list would stop me cold....those who believe in this foolish plan lose me with the first reason they give for having an affair.  "By having the freedom to have an affair, you will lose the taboo feeling that feeds your desires to be with other people.  You will feel free and therefore will come back to your spouse a stronger person. You will appreciate what you have and therefore will return to him/her because you want to not because you have to."

What nonsense!  There again let's look at all the facts. 

1.  The fact that anyone feels they need to have an affair says a lot about their commitment level.  Duh!  They have none.  That means they can't be trusted.  Who would ever want to base building a family unit on the shoulders of someone who probably won't be there when the going gets tough!

2.  It's totally selfish!  There's no mention of what this would do to the spouse, the children, the extended family, their faith, their friends - and the possibility of illegitimate children that would be born into this lunatic situation. 

Okay...okay....you get the idea. 

Our world has become complicated because we have so much information at our fingertips.  If you want to do something that will totally ruin your life - there are thousands of idiots on line that will be glad to tell you to go ahead and do it....you deserve it....you should....

It's important to stop and ask yourself why anyone would want to advise you to do something that will mess up your life?  It's probably because they've messed up theirs so badly that they can't admit it.  So they lie.  They tell you it's wonderful and for a split second their pain is soothed.  Unfortunately, when you believe them you are often sucked into a world of hurt for yourself and if you can't get out of the spiral you become one of the many voices of evil as well.

"Know the Truth and the Truth will set you free."  Finding and following the truth is never easy.  Most of the time we have to deny our wants and often our needs in order to find Truth.  It's sad that people who have had a great life free from all the nasty trappings and free from horrible consequences - it's sad that they don't hop up on the soapbox and yell to the world  - "Hey you....over here....I've got the answers!"

Please be good to your children.  Determine that you will be a scientist.  Determine that you and your children will be on a quest for Truth. 

It is true that because we are humans, we will always make mistakes.  Even if they are small - we will certainly have regrets.  If you take the time to talk to people who are disciplined and have found the "Truth" in their lives....you will experience a burst of fresh air - a person who has missed the really devious evil of life and has the joy of knowing they did it right.  Be that kind of person.  Show your child how to be that kind of person.

You can be a scientist.....you can do it right....your life can be one of joy, contentment and peace.  Your children can have lives of purpose, laughter, achievement and great contentment. You can reach retirement age and look back on a life well lived. 

I have made the journey and I often look back on my life with great contentment.  I wouldn't trade a disciplined, "No thank you, I'm not going to do that..." kind of life for any feel good moment.  You may think you need that lift from a drink or smoke or sexual act.  I can assure you those few moments of "feel good" doesn't hold a candle to looking back on a life of great contentment and joy.

My mother became a preacher when she was only 8 years old.  She traveled with my grandmother all across the South holding tent revivals and preaching God's word.  Of course she was made fun of.  Of course it was hard.  She tells the story of being a teen and watching a very popular young girl at school wishing she could be a care free as she was.  All the boys liked her and she was very popular with the girls.  She made fun of mother and her clothes and the Bible that stuck out of her purse.  Mother took it and moved on confident that her life was exactly what God meant for her to do.  

Several years later she returned to that town for a revival.  It had been a wonderful week with many people saved.  The pastor asked her to go with him and some of the youth to do a service at the jailhouse.  She sang, played the accordion and had an alter call.  There were sneers from the back of the room where some of the young girls were taunting mother.  The girls had been arrested for prostitution.  Bravely mother walked to the back and saw the young girl from school.  The young girl had tears in her eyes but forced them back and defiantly said, "I'll bet you wish you could be me."  Mother smiled and said, "I'll pray for you.  I'll pray for all of you."

She left the building knowing that the young girl had it wrong.  Mother could have been just like her.  Mother could have made decisions that would have taken her down the same road.  The hard reality is that both women clearly understood that while mother could have been just like that young girl -- the young girl would never be able to be mother.  For sure, God could save her and she would have a better life from then on - but the past would remain.  The hurts and sorrows and harsh living would forever be a part of her. 

That's the problem with not having the truth or not sharing the truth with our children.  When you don't speak up, your children march down roads of destruction and lose a large part of their lives. 

I think instead of being so politically correct and instead of trying not to hurt any one's feelings - perhaps we need to instruct our children to keep it quiet and to themselves, but to be proud of the fact that their mistakes are minor.  Be proud of the fact that you've never had hard liquor.  Be proud of the fact that you are virgin when you marry.  Be proud of the fact that you've never smoked or cussed or stole even so much as a pencil.  Teach your children to live clean lives and be proud of those clean lives and you will give them the greatest gift on earth - a life well lived!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie 

Precious Pointer #14 - Make learning fun

The most well rounded children and adults I know are people who have found the key to make learning fun.  Learning is necessary for every area of our lives.  In order to be the best we can be...we must learn our crafts and areas of talent as well as all types of circulating information. 

Children have a hard time understanding that learning the basics will help them in their adult lives.  Learning things like all the presidents names or countries of the world - can feel unnecessary and boring to a 12 year old.  Yet, an adult listening to the news about Germany will feel different if he actually knows where Germany is located in relation to his own world.  An adult who knows the different presidents will feel comfortable discussing politics at a crowded social function.

I've found a wonderful on line tool that you can use to help your child remember boring facts.  Sporcle.com is a website full of timed games that will help your child memorize boring facts.  For example, under the history tab is a game for U.S. Presidents.  The game presents a blank list to fill in with presidents names.  You can go as far as you can and then click -"give up".  The rest of the names will be displayed giving you a chance to look them over.  Since I had long forgotten the presidents, I've been playing this game.  My first goal was to simply fill in the blanks before the time ended.  Then my goal was to do it in shorter and shorter time.  Finally, I tried to do it in order and in the shortest time possible. 

I'm a big fan of flash cards and used them often to help my children learn facts for a test.  We would play games and flip them in a wide array of possibilities.  Sporcle gives you faster more exciting games and will keep your child entertained while he is learning.

I can hear all you moms sighing.  "More video games - ugh!"  The plus to this game is that you can use it as a preliminary to homework.  Allow three tries an only three tries every night before homework time.  A quick use of these games can jump start your child's thinking process and concentration.  And...over time your child will learn valuable facts about presidents or whatever you choose. 

I suggest that you run a contest with everyone in the family - mom and Dad included - to see who learns one of the games first. 

Be sure to add plenty of giggles and laughing along the way :) 

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie