Dating is a very difficult issue for a lot of teens. Because there are so many variables in dating, it's difficult to properly train for dating. Some things must be learned by trial and error. Unfortunately, dating has become dangerous. It's important for parents to be as involved in the process as possible. The following parent asked for teen dating help. "My daughter is 16, pretty and very outgoing. She complains on a regular basis that she is lonely even though she has a lot of girl friends at church and has gone on many dates. She's frustrated that boys don't seem to like her more than a few weeks.
At first we resisted when she said she thought she was to blame. But after several guys seemed to really like her and broke up within weeks, we became concerned. We've had several teens over and tried to listen to her conversations without her knowing. She seems to be nice and everyone seems to like her.
We've wondered if it was because she was a Christian but all the guys she's dated have been Christians. We also wondered if these Christian guys wanted more from her than she was willing to give. You know, how some guys claim to be Christians and yet act like non-Christians on a date. Anyway, she says that they haven't even asked and she barely has had enough second dates to get to that point. Do you have any ideas what it may be? We really don't want her involved in a serious relationship, but we don't want her to lose her self-esteem either."
After discussing the situation by e-mail, we settled on a specific issue that her parents are going to watch and discuss with her.
All children develop socially based on their own inner clock and the circumstances surrounding their formative years. Issues like divorce, death, sick siblings, abuse can all impact the dating self-esteem of children and young adults.
Some teens - especially those with highly determined personalities - can face difficult issues with a stubborn but positive attitude. For example, a highly motivated teen that hasn't experienced a trauma of some sort may face the possibility of a date's rejection with a "who cares" attitude.
A highly motivated teen who can't tolerate rejection may put a positive spin on the situation by thinking, "Watch this....I'll make you like me." They may not realize their thoughts are affecting their dating habits.
In the 70's young people began to use the term "I need my space." That came from a psychological study that proved 98% of people like to maintain a 3' barrier around their body. Only a very close relationship will be allowed inside that barrier. Men maintain their barrier even longer as a statement of remaining in control. Women release the barrier sooner but reserve that space as a sign that she wants the man to take the relationship to the next level.
That's why holding hands, putting a hand on the forearm or sitting close - still reflects boyfriend/girlfriend to other people. Other gestures that would suggest entering into that protected space would also qualify as getting too close - too soon.
It's very important when dating that you wait for clues from your date as to how you should proceed. If you are talking in a restuarant and you move inside the 3' barrier, it can "feel" the same as a kiss in public. If you are constantly smiling, always agreeable and never have your own opinion - you can give the impression you are trying too hard. If you lean in and seem excited when most people would simply ask another question - it can make a date feel uncomfortable. If you insert too many clues that you want the relationship to go further when your date hasn't made that commitment, it can make him/her feel as if you are too clingy and needy. Feeling uncomfortable or that your space has been invaded without permission will push a date away quicker than anything else.
The best advice for any young teen as they begin to date is to treat their date the same as they would any friend. Get to know them and let them know you. Be honest and truthful. Don't be afraid to "kindly" disagree. Disagreements can be endearing as well as negative.
Be careful how much you do for your date. It's always fun in a dating situation to remember special days and to give sweet gifts. That's fine. However, be careful and make sure you are busy enough to let your date know that your life doesn't revolve around him/her. Space is an issue here as well. Until you have expressed love for someone, it's uncomfortable to think their entire life is on hold waiting for a response from you. A little mystery is a good thing.
Never push! If someone likes you - great! If they don't, it's probably for the best. Just be yourself. God's match designed just for you won't be able to find you if you are pretending to be someone you aren't!
Don't be afraid of letting go. Unless your goal is to experience divorce - remember that it's much better to let go of someone that isn't right than to marry them and find out it's an impossible situation. Never try to change anyone....it doesn't work! No matter how much you love them remember that God's love is the only love that can overcome faults.
Always be honest with yourself. What you may think is desire on his/her part may only be friendship. Make sure your friends know you want them to be truthful and then trust their opinions.
I suggested this Mom and Dad watch their daughter not through parent's eyes - but through the eyes of a prospective date. I've had several friends who drove dates away in droves just because they moved too fast and pushed too hard because they were lonely. An outgoing friend can be fun, a pushy date is impossible.
Seeking his wisdom
Debbie
