Your child is NOT a toy

I'm often asked a question about adult friendships that unfortunately reveals a hidden agenda.

"My best friend's child acts like a complete brat in public. Do I tell her?"

I always answer the direct question with a direct answer.

"Probably not. If she can't see on her own that there's a problem, she will view you as a critical friend and that will hurt your relationship. Unfortunately, her child will probably hurt your relationship before you get the chance to tell her what's wrong. No one likes to waste a fun outing trying to avoid or cope with a brat. It ruins the outing for everyone. And that will ultimately cause you to politely refuse invitations to be with her and her brat."

Unfortunately, this question highlights an underlying problem. Why are some children brats?

Most of the time it's not that a parent doesn't know better. Most of the time it's because a parent views their child as a toy rather than a future adult. The only thing that concerns this type of parent is having fun with their child - not helping their child become all they can be.

I've had several indulgent parents fuss with me about this, but usually the fuss reveals some powerful tendencies.

"You just don't understand! I didn't have a great childhood and I know what that's like. I want my child to be happy and have a wonderful time. I'm not going to mess that up with a lot of rules."

Mommy Detective translation: You aren't really concerned about their life, you just want to live your missed childhood through them?

"My child isn't the problem. My child is beautiful and loving. Everyone else is the problem."

Mommy Detective translation: You would rather blame everyone else than help your child learn social dynamics. You are willing to let your self-esteem issues hinder your child from being accepted and loved.

"He's a natural leader. And leaders can't be controlled."

Mommy Detective translation: Actually, he's not a leader - he's a bully. You would rather put an acceptable label on your child's bad behavior than accept responsibility and train him.

"I was told "no" my whole life and I won't do that to my child."

Mommy Detective translation: Again it's about you. You would rather your child be avoided by friends than accept the fact that your parents may have understood the value of "no". You refuse to see the fact that "no" is a good word and having limits can help a child be more productive and a credit to society. Could it be that you were a little brat as well?

"My child is active and there's nothing I can do about it."

Mommy Detective translation: Good parents do not have the luxury of non-involvement. They can't take the lazy way out and let a child do whatever he wants. Good parents must be fully engaged and fully participating in the life of their child. Good parents will continue to search for answers.

"I want my child to like me. I'm not going to start spanking or giving him rules. He'll hate me and I can't live with that."

Mommy Detective translation: So...this isn't about what's good for your child, this is all about you. You are afraid of your child and your relationship with him so you are willing to risk his life in order to be liked.

Your child is NOT a toy. For these types of parents my advice is to purchase an interactive toy or better yet, buy a dog. Please do NOT have a child.

You can play with a toy and then put it on the shelf until next time. A TOY is personal and doesn't really affect the lives of others. A Toy only requires upkeep not planning for the future. A Toy is for your pleasure only and doesn't require self-esteem or recognition. A Toy - if lost - doesn't affect the world.

The same goes for a dog. You can feed him, dress him and love him. You can ignore his bad behavior and leave him alone for long stretches of time. The world will not be changed if you have a brat of a dog.

Children are different. They need constant training. You are their "translator" to the world.

Your child has a life. If you treat him like a TOY and he loses his life through laziness, drugs, fighting, crime - all the things he could have become will also be lost.

When your TOY loses his God given talents or wastes his life being a brat and never accomplishes God given goals - the entire world loses.

I recently wrote a famous personality and posed this question.....

"Do you know what happens when you raise a spoiled brat that's been given everything he wants? He grows up and either demands that the government provide for his every whim or...he becomes a pin head politician."

Seeking his wisdom,

Debbie