Let's look at both sides though. Some people think a soft word and a time out will do the trick. The last time I watched Supernanny, a mother tried the time out thing over and over. The child just got up and ran away screaming. Finally totally frustrated, the mother dragged her child by one arm to time out. She slammed her down in the chair and proceeded to scream at her. That out of control Mom was just as destructive emotionally as a light spanking. I've wondered how to explain to parents that a "pop" on the behind can snap a child out of destructive behavior and may not be as harsh as yelling at them as you drag them out of the mall while 58 people look on and shake their heads?
Again Cesar provided a new way to explain what I have done with the children I've helped. I've probably watched 100 shows with Cesar Millan. Yesterday he spent more time than usual on his "touching" method. Some owners are very worried about hurting their dogs - especially smaller dogs. Most parents are extremely worried about hurting their children and therefore reject any form of physical reprimand. Yet, when a dog is in a high level of energy and wanting to act out Cesar remains totally calm and yet assertive.
He explains, "I have to have a method of snapping them out of their "red zone" thoughts. I am calm assertive and yet I must gain their attention. That's when I choose one of three methods. I either yank on the leash - pulling their head up so I'm the only thing they view.....or....I use my foot to tap their behind and move it to a different position - which will also make them look at me and therefore snap their brain into a different place.....or....I use my hand and form my fingers to represent the bite pattern of another dog. Then I tap their neck with my hand as if a dog had just bitten them. To touch them in this manner is not painful. It's simply a strong touch that snaps them out of their present thinking. This along with a noise will snap them out of their present state of mind causing them to look at my face and eyes. When they look at me they see dominance and determination. They know that I am not going to let them get away with their current behavior. Now we can move on."
He goes on to caution that dogs don't relate to words and sending a barrage of commands after them only causes them to tune out the human and continue doing what they want to do. (How many times has your child ignored your constant nagging or shouting commands?) It's the touch that snaps their mind into a difference place. AND by releasing immediately....the dog understands that if he goes into a red zone behavior he will be disciplined....if he relaxes and goes into a submissive behavior - the discipline is withdrawn.
So.....how can we relate this to children? I personally don't believe that a simple time out and sweet words will handle an out of control child. Time out works when the child is calm, but not so much when he's out of control. If you've read my book, Discipline Exposed, you know that I believe in thinking outside the box. When your child is calm you can try different methods to change his mind and get him on board with your decisions. But when he's out of control, you must snap him out of that red zone mentality. While I promote some "popping" I don't believe in an excessive amount and I definitely think it should be discontinued once you can have a conversation with your child.
But...what do you do when your child is pitching a fit and out of control? You've thought outside the box and provided discipline in other situations that have solved those problems and actually increased self-esteem. This situation is different. In Cesar's terms your child has escalated to the "red zone" and is totally out of control. Remember what Cesar says....if you give affection and sweetness while in the red zone - you only make them more powerful and the misbehavior more desired. Children are very much like out of control dogs in that when they are in the red zone their actions take on a primal or animalistic approach. They won't find reason in words and simply are going to force their way on you. If you don't take control at this point - you will never have control from this point on. So....
1. As if you were jerking the leash, grab both arms of your child and bring his face nose to nose with you. Repeat this sentence in a calm assertive manner..."This is not acceptable and you will stop this right now." If that doesn't stop the behavior, go to step two.
2. If they do not understand words, a simple "pop" on the behind may snap them out of the red zone long enough for you to continue with #1. If they are old enough to understand conversation, pick your child up and sit him down continuing to repeat the sentence in a calm assertive manner...."This is not acceptable and you will stop this now!" If he doesn't calm down and instead escalates even further....go to step three...
3. Nose to nose repeat this sentence - remember your energy must be calm and assertive, not angry. "Either stop this now or I will stop it for you." If they don't stop, then you must go to number four.
4. This is for the most extreme cases of red zone behavior. I call this the love wrap. You sit down and put them in your lap. Wrap your arms around their arms and chest. You must not pull or stretch their arms. You are just holding them in place. Wrap your legs over their legs so they can't kick. Calmly and assertively continue repeating this sentence...."I love you very much but this behavior is unacceptable. I cannot allow you to continue this behavior. You must calm down. I won't release you until you calm down."
This is important....you must follow through and stick it out. As long as they are in the red zone you must stay with them. No matter how exhausting for you, you must NOT give up on your child. If you give up on this exercise...you child will never believe you again and will continue to test your boundaries and limits.
I always try to get control of a child at home. You don't want to allow your child to suffer from a low self-esteem because you tried to control him in front of others. When I was challenged in a store, I left my buggy and immediately took him to the car so we could deal with his behavior in private. I also NEVER reprimanded a child in public. If my child was misbehaving say at a birthday party, I took him to a private bathroom to deal with his behavior - never in front of others.
Your goal is to have your child learn social graces and have good experiences with others. If he feels frustrated and embarrassed every time he goes into a social situation, it will take him 20 times longer to master the skill.
One last comparison to Cesar. He makes a big point of releasing the leash the moment you get the desired behavior. It's the same with children. If your child has escalated to the red zone and you followed through with any level - once he calms down, you should release your grip. Your face should turn to a smile and the verbal training should begin.
"I love you so much. I can't allow bad behavior. It's not good for our relationship and it will hurt your relationship with others. Some people may not like you if you can't act properly in a social situation. I promise you, that if you do what I'm asking - it won't hurt and you will have better friends, more fun and someday a better family of your own. I'm very proud of you and the fact that you settled down. You can do this, I know you can....." and on and on. Give lots of hugs and smiles. Your child must know that you are proud of the fact that he's calmed down.
Cesar loves to say that most of the time it's not the dogs he trains, but the owners. Don't be afraid to confront your child and take leadership of your home. Just like the transformation of dogs on his show, I personally know and have witnessed that same quick transformation of children once they know that you are their calm assertive leader.
Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie
