I don't believe that children naturally want to disobey. I believe when a newborn receives care from adults that as he/she grows the natural response is to desire praise from those same adults. It's only when the parent breaks the bond that you will see major problems.
Yes, if you are a Christian, we believe that children are born into a sinful world and that we do have sinful desires. But....children can be trained to ignore those desires. Without training and a parent's guidance, children do not have the tools to resist temptation.
Contemporary psychology tries to sell the idea that parents have no control when it comes to teaching their children how to resist temptation and live better lives. It's much easier for psychologists and parents to just "give up" rather than try to help/change their children. I also believe when a parents gives up their child will recognize negative "energy" and their response will also be negative. At that point with no real leadership....a child will not only feel anxious but attempt to fill the void of leadership by taking over.
Anytime I'm faced with a difference of opinion, I try to be a detective and ask tough questions. If helping a child move beyond temptations negative energy is impossible - why are so many people successful in training their children to do better? For example, many parents fail at helping their children socially - yet that same child is "trained" to make grades a priority. What's the difference? Some children are disrespectful to parents but can contain their speech and actions when reacting to grandparents who may give them an inheritance. Why is money a motivator and love isn't?
Anytime you ignore a "Primal" trait, the waters get muddy. Listen to what Cesar says in his book Cesar's Way. "As diverse as they are, the dogs work together as a pack. Their deepest, most primal instinct guides them to follow me, their "pack leader," to obey me, and to cooperate with one another. And each time we go through this exercise (a morning run), I am more closely bonded with them. This is how nature intended a dog pack to work."
That leads me to ask the question, "How does God intend a family pack to work?" Proverbs 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. It doesn't get much clearer than that. When we are presented with a child, we are responsible. Parents determine the outcome of that life. We must train that child. That includes every area of his life. If we want our children to follow, obey and cooperate - we must be calm, assertive and trustworthy parents or pack leaders.
In my book, Discipline Exposed, I insist that one of the biggest issues in childhood rebellion is that our children have been taught by our actions that we can't be trusted. When they loose faith in our ability to be trusted or to lead - they will rebel and go their own way.
The biggest Primal Instinct in your child is this......They want to trust you to guide them, to protect them and to be their leader. Have you ever watched a child's face as they brag on their parent?
When was the last time your child could brag on you? Not just because you gave him a toy or gave her a time with friends - but when have your children bragged on your character, your wisdom or your talent? If your child has a hard time doing this, you are not fulfilling his primal need.
How can you get back to that primal need?
1. Bond with them. Do things outside of the "no" world like playing a game, taking a walk, watching a movie together, eating together, talking about some current event or even just shopping together. They may not admit it to their friends, but they want to be close to you.
2. If you've let them down in any way - apologize and don't ever go there again. Nothing is worth letting your child down or breaking a promise. No job, friend, class or amount of money is worth losing the respect of your child.
3. Make sure they can trust you and your word.
4. Discuss every issue in a calm assertive way. Leave your emotions out of the problem and discuss the facts and the validity of right and wrong in the matter.
5. It takes 10 compliments to cancel out one negative statement. Make sure you do the math and don't contribute to an overly negative home.
6. Always let them know how much you love them and that you want them to be part of your life. Be interested in their lives, desires, hopes and dreams. Get to know your children.
There are many ways to create a bond....but hopefully these will get you started. Remember your child wants you to be the leader and your child wants to obey. Give him a chance to show you reciprocal love.
Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie
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