Screaming pre-teens

Did you know that the frustrated screams of the pre-teen and teen were actually set in motion when your child was a toddler?

What? No one told me that.

How we handle frustration or anger is a learned response.

Handling conflict properly is a trait that every parent teaches whether you know it or not.  This particular trait is one that is "just in the air".  Most traits have areas that you child won't pick up just by being around you and therefore you must spend 50% or more of your time teaching them how to acquire the proper trait. 

Handling frustration and confrontation is a bit different.  How we handle frustration is 90% learned through observation and only 10% taught.  That means that no matter how much you insist that your child remain calm during confrontational times....if you lose your temper - so will they.  If your first response to a difficult situation is to throw barbs, your child will too.  If your immediate response to an accident is to demean the individual, your child will learn to do the same.  If you use guilt as a means to try to control your child, they will learn to heap guilt on you as well.

In order to prevent the out of control outburst of the preteen and teen years, begin teaching your child at an early age to do the following when facing stressful situations.

1.  Take a deep breath before you speak or make any sounds.
2.  Ask questions first so you can get all the information you need to react properly.
3.  If the situation is scary - express how you feel in soft tones first, then  try to evaluate the situation.  This will help the other person understand that your fear will cause you to respond differently.
4.  Force yourself to talk slowly so you won't elevate the situation to a screaming match.
5.  Take a moment to think before addressing the problems.  This will also allow the other party to calm down.
6.  Never bring personal attacks into a "problem solving" situation.
7.  End every confrontation with a compliment and a hug.


But what if my child is older?  Is there still time to fix the problem.  My child is already screaming and it's driving me crazy.  I'm not sure either one of us is going to make it to the teen years.

It's going to be harder to correct a bad habit that is already ingrained, but it can be done.  Just remember that it won't take place overnight.  Especially since you are trying to change your own habits while you are teaching your child a new habit. 

First of all....make it fun.  Make a game out of responding properly.  Place a large poster board somewhere out of sight to visitors.  Keeping a chart of outbursts for each person is vital to the game.

Start small - everyday with only four arguments wins a red star.  7 red stars equals pizza.
The next week the goal would be only 3 arguments would win a red star.

Every argument where you or your child remembers to close his mouth, take a deep breath first and then speak in soft tones.....earns a gold star.  7 gold stars wins a movie rental.

Reaching big goals should be accompanied with a highly desired prize.  Something like a special outing, a party with friends or an item that's not normally in the budget.

There also has to be a negative to the game.  Every outburst of temper or yelling costs a quarter.  At the end of the week the quarters are given to the person with the least amount of outbursts.

You get the idea.  Make curbing your temper and your voice a game.  It will be easier to get the message across if both parties play the game. 

Remember that the purpose of this game is to change not only your life, but the life of your child.  Learning how to handle conflicts and frustrations will....
help your relationship with them
help them at school
help them in their faith
help them in their marriage
help them with their children
help them on the job
and make them better citizens....

You can do it!  You can change your child's life in a huge way.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Gifted Children

Parents of gifted children are proud of their accomplishments.....until there's a personality or social problem. I've often heard mother's of gifted children remark, "Sometimes I wish he was just average. At least then I could reach him."

It's often hard for gifted children to respond to social interactions properly. That's when it's important for parents to get down on their level, see the world from their viewpoint and then develop a plan to help them deal with their issues. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying we should leave them where they are or give them an excuse to continue bad behavior.

What we should do is "train" and help them to understand their own feelings. This understanding can often help them respond properly to the world they live in.

The following characteristics are not always present in every gifted children. Don't worry or search deeper for them if they aren't readily seen.  Use the following simply as a guide to help you understand your child and as a guideline to help you parent a gifted child properly. Just as you shouldn't punish a child for being a child....you also shouldn't punish a gifted child for being gifted. Instead, look for ways to help them use the special gifts they have to respond and excel socially.

Your Child's Characteristic
1.  Keen observer; naively receptive; sense of the significant; willing to consider the unusual.

Possible Problems:
1.  Overly intense focus; expects others to see the same significance; occasional gullibility.

Your Child's Characteristic

2.  Inquisitive attitude, intellectual curiosity; intrinsic motivation.

Possible Problems:

2.  Asks embarrassing questions; seems strong-willed and may resist direction; excessive in interests and behaviors; may be less influenced by extrinsic rewards.

Your Child's Characteristic

3.  Ability in abstraction, conceptualization, synthesis; interest in inductive learning and problem solving; enjoys intellectual activity.

Possible Problems:

3.  Rejection or omission of detail; may resist practice or drill on basics; questions teaching procedures; divergent thinking may not be appreciated.

Your Child's Characteristic

4.  Interest and ability to see cause-effect relations; enjoys considering concepts; love of truth and fair play.

Possible Problems:

4.  Difficulty in accepting the illogical - such as feelings, traditions or matters to be taken "on faith"; difficulty in being practical; worry about humanitarian concerns.

Your Child's Characteristic

5.  Desires consistency in value systems, behaviors and what is learned; enjoys organizing things or people into structure and order.

Possible Problems:

5.  Tends to construct complicated rules or systems; May be seen as bossy, rude or domineering; may try to organize others.

Your Child's Characteristic

6.  Acquires and retains information quickly.

Possible Problems:

6.  Impatient with slowness of others; dislikes routine and drill; may resist mastering foundation skills; may make concepts unduly complex.

Your Child's Characteristic

7.  Large vocabulary and verbal proficiency; facile in expression; interest in reading; broad information in advanced areas.

Possible Problems:

7.  Need for specialized early reading and vocabulary; parent/teacher resistance to reading; uses words to escape or avoid situations; becomes bored with school and age-peers; seen by others as a "know it all".

Your Child's Characteristic

8.  Thinks critically; has high expectancies; is self-critical and evaluates others.

Possible Problems:

8.  Critical or intolerant toward others; may seek perfection; overly self critical; may become discouraged or depressed.

Your Child's Characteristic

9.  Creative and inventive; likes new ways of doing things.

Possible Problems:

9.  Need to invent for oneself; may reject what is already known; may disrupt customs or plans of others; rejects cliches; seen by others as different or out of step.

Your Child's Characteristic

10.  Intense concentration and long attention span; persistent, goal-directed behavior.

Possible Problems:

10.  Resists interruption; neglects other duties or people during periods of focused interests; stubbornness.

Your Child's Characteristic

11.  Sensitivity, intuitiveness, empathy for others; wants to be accepted by others.

Possible Problems:

11.  Sensitivity to criticism; vulnerability to peer rejection; need for success and recognition; conformity and underachievement; need for peer relations in many types of groups; expects others to have the same values and outlook on the world; may feel different and alienated.

Your Child's Characteristic

12.  High energy, alertness, eagerness; periods of intense efforts preceding invention.

Possible Problems:

12.  Frustration with inactivity or absence of progress; eagerness may disrupt others' schedules; needs continual stimulation; may be seen as hyperactive.

Your Child's Characteristic

13.  Independent in work and study; prefers individualized work; self-reliant; needs freedom for movement and action.

Possible Problems:

13.  May reject parent and peer group pressures; non-conformity or rebellion; may drift into unconventional interest areas.

Your Child's Characteristic

14.  Versatility and diversity of interests and abilities; many hobbies; proficient in art forms such as music and drawing.

Possible Problems:

14.  May appear scattered and disorganized; lack of homogeneity in group work; seeks flexibility and individualization; frustrations over lack of time; others may expect him to always be competent.

Your Child's Characteristic

15.  Strong sense of humor; ability to laugh at self.

Possible Problems:

15.  Sees absurdities of situations; inflicts puns on others; humor not understood by peers; may use humor to avoid problems; may become "Class clown" to gain peer approval.


As I said before....these characteristics and the problems they may cause are general and not present in every gifted child.  I would suggest that you use the information first by praying and asking God for wisdom, then by observing (this should be a constant practice), keep your evaluations to yourself but compare them to the above list and finally put all the information together and create a plan that will best serve the personality of your child.  My prayer is that this information will help you "lovingly" parent your child.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie