Did you know that the frustrated screams of the pre-teen and teen were actually set in motion when your child was a toddler?
What? No one told me that.
How we handle frustration or anger is a learned response.
Handling conflict properly is a trait that every parent teaches whether you know it or not. This particular trait is one that is "just in the air". Most traits have areas that you child won't pick up just by being around you and therefore you must spend 50% or more of your time teaching them how to acquire the proper trait.
Handling frustration and confrontation is a bit different. How we handle frustration is 90% learned through observation and only 10% taught. That means that no matter how much you insist that your child remain calm during confrontational times....if you lose your temper - so will they. If your first response to a difficult situation is to throw barbs, your child will too. If your immediate response to an accident is to demean the individual, your child will learn to do the same. If you use guilt as a means to try to control your child, they will learn to heap guilt on you as well.
In order to prevent the out of control outburst of the preteen and teen years, begin teaching your child at an early age to do the following when facing stressful situations.
1. Take a deep breath before you speak or make any sounds.
2. Ask questions first so you can get all the information you need to react properly.
3. If the situation is scary - express how you feel in soft tones first, then try to evaluate the situation. This will help the other person understand that your fear will cause you to respond differently.
4. Force yourself to talk slowly so you won't elevate the situation to a screaming match.
5. Take a moment to think before addressing the problems. This will also allow the other party to calm down.
6. Never bring personal attacks into a "problem solving" situation.
7. End every confrontation with a compliment and a hug.
But what if my child is older? Is there still time to fix the problem. My child is already screaming and it's driving me crazy. I'm not sure either one of us is going to make it to the teen years.
It's going to be harder to correct a bad habit that is already ingrained, but it can be done. Just remember that it won't take place overnight. Especially since you are trying to change your own habits while you are teaching your child a new habit.
First of all....make it fun. Make a game out of responding properly. Place a large poster board somewhere out of sight to visitors. Keeping a chart of outbursts for each person is vital to the game.
Start small - everyday with only four arguments wins a red star. 7 red stars equals pizza.
The next week the goal would be only 3 arguments would win a red star.
Every argument where you or your child remembers to close his mouth, take a deep breath first and then speak in soft tones.....earns a gold star. 7 gold stars wins a movie rental.
Reaching big goals should be accompanied with a highly desired prize. Something like a special outing, a party with friends or an item that's not normally in the budget.
There also has to be a negative to the game. Every outburst of temper or yelling costs a quarter. At the end of the week the quarters are given to the person with the least amount of outbursts.
You get the idea. Make curbing your temper and your voice a game. It will be easier to get the message across if both parties play the game.
Remember that the purpose of this game is to change not only your life, but the life of your child. Learning how to handle conflicts and frustrations will....
help your relationship with them
help them at school
help them in their faith
help them in their marriage
help them with their children
help them on the job
and make them better citizens....
You can do it! You can change your child's life in a huge way.
Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie
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