Is Sunday School Necessary?

"My four year old is a pretty good kid. He's normal of course and acts like a typical four year old, but he's not out of control. I can ask him to be nice or to sit still and he does. I can tell him "no" and he may argue a little, but he calms down and minds pretty quickly. That's why I'm puzzled. He has become a monster at Sunday School. His teacher is insisting that he's interrupting the class and that I need to do something. I've talked to him and to other parents, but I don't have a clue why this is happening. I've asked my husband if Sunday School is really all that necessary. Maybe we should just stay home. Oh...and the other thing is that he is fine during children's church - but a monster during Sunday school? I don't get it. Please help me."

Of course I can help. If this is not normal behavior, then there's a reason he is acting out in Sunday School. This type of situation calls for a Mommy Detective.

Before we tackle what might be happening once you reach church, lets be sure everything at home is okay. Ask yourself the following questions...

1. Are you super busy on Saturday? In other words, is it possible that his routine is so drastically changed on Saturday that he feels out of sorts and irritable on Sunday.

2. Does he sleep well on Saturday nights? If he wakes up tired and irritable on Sunday it could be hard for him to get started. However, like employees on Monday afternoon, once he's had a meltdown in his first class - he has had the time to readjust and squeak by during children's church. Perhaps the difference in teaching personalities is enough to help him calm down.

3. Do you change his diet on Saturdays or on Sunday mornings? For example, are you eating fun foods like pizza on Saturday or donuts on Sunday mornings? A change in diet can cause irritability in children. Perhaps a trip to the potty before going to children's church eliminates some of the problem. Perhaps a snack food before children's church calms him down.

4. Check out his clothes. Is there anything he could be wearing on Sunday that might provoke a difference in his attitude. Perhaps it irritate him at first until he gets used to it.

5. How about your abilities on Sunday morning? Do you react differently to the Sunday morning rush than you do to the Monday morning rush. Perhaps you are more argumentative and you or your husband set the trend for the day.

Do the detective thing and quietly observe. Take several Sunday mornings to step back and just watch. Watch for any clue that your child is gearing up to be on the offensive.

If you still don't have a clue as to why your child is acting out, it's time to check out the Sunday school class. Continue to observe as you drive to church. Listen for any type of talk that would give you a clue. Listen to siblings and how they are responding to Sunday school, listen to your husbands conversation and pay attention to your own. Do you cut certain people down or give the impression that there are people at your church that don't deserve your compassion?

Spend the first week of observation walking around outside the door to your child's classroom. Without going inside you can listen without alarming the teacher or the other students. Listen not only to their conversations, but pay close attention to your child's reactions.

The second week, ask the teacher if you can sit in on the class. Explain to your child that you are doing some "very special work" and that he's not allowed to come to you during the class. If there is a curtain or some type of barrier, try to sit behind it so you can't be seen. Of course, everyone will watch their behavior with you in the room so being out of sight might cause them to relax and give you a clue as to what normally happens.

If you believe the teacher is partly to blame, don't jump all over her. Compassion is the key. Perhaps you could word it this way - "I think my son will respond differently if you approach him this way......"

The third week, sit in plain view so you can watch your child's body language. Watch his eyes and the placement of his hands. Does he seem confused or left out? Does he look as if he's not part of the group? How are the other children treating him? Is he having trouble relating to the other children or does he appear to have many friends?

Finally, attend children's church. For this part of your research, there's no need to be out of sight. Since your child does well here, the only thing you need to ask yourself is, how is this class different from Sunday School? How is the teacher different? How are his relationships different? How is he different? Does he appear to be sleepy - more subdued?

Finally, after you've done all the research - talk to your child. Doing all the research first will give you the right to discuss what he may be doing wrong. Ask him why he's having a problem. Listen for words or phrases that might suggest a headache or allergy. Listen for clues that might suggest learning difficulties or other issues with the teacher - without just accepting, "I don't like her". If he is partly to blame, insist that he change his behavior. Explain in detail why other will respond better to his needs if he changes his own behavior.

Once you feel like you have all the information, mull it over and cover it with prayer. You should be concerned about helping your child navigate through life. Don't just jump on the teacher, slam the class or become negative about the setting. Help your child and your church discover new ways to attend to every one's needs while accepting the fact that we are all on a journey to find out more about our faith and our Savior.

Pray, pray, pray. The clues should be coming together and forming a pattern. The clues should help your identify why your child is having a problem. If after all this you still can't see clearly - send the facts to me and we'll figure it out together.

Yes, I believe that Sunday School is necessary! Small children need to hear the old stories over and over geared to their age group. One of my dearest mentors was an elementary age Sunday school teacher. Don't take your children out of those wonderful classes. Instead, help him to learn how to enjoy every minute.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Heritage - a must for self-esteem

Children are great imitators.

Children love to make faces and play follow the leader. So why does contemporary psychology lie about their ability to embrace the philosophies or traditions of their family?

While I can't address personal motives, I can guarantee that it is possible to teach your children to appreciate the things you love. Children are not destined to hate your life.

Children reject Mom and Dad's beliefs or likes and dislikes because they haven't been taught to love them. Let's put on our Mommy Detective star and see if we can figure our why children often reject family ties.

Let's suppose your child is four and very active. You have decided that since it's brought you so much pleasure, your child "must" understand and love symphonic music as you do. You make him sit very still in the living room and listen to your old tapes of symphonies. You try to point out special parts but he's either sleeping or uncomfortable because he has to be still. You decide to expose him to a live symphony but you end up taking him out of the auditorium when he can't sit still. You fuss all the way home about the price of the ticket and the awful way he acted.

Look at it from his point of view. You forced something that sounds boring on him and then required him to respect your views without giving him the tools to understand your views. You insisted that he control his active little body and endure a situation he doesn't understand without the slightest bit of help from you. I could list specifics like being frustrated when he yelled, "Where's the popcorn?" but...well....you get the picture.

The point is that if we want our children to love what we love, we have to understand their point of view and try to help them see ours. Above all, we must make it fun.

Dancing around the room and making up stories to go along with a symphony is a lot more appealing than trying to sit still and make pictures in your mind. Attending a concert in the park seems like more fun to a 5-year-old than going to a fancy auditorium. In other words....don't push - lead. Help your child "experience" the joy you have experienced.

Be patient. Stay calm. Be fun.

Even if your child develops a different viewpoint, at least he will be able to share in your appreciation for your heritage. I know many young adults that prefer contemporary music, but can appreciate the heritage of gospel music. I've watched them hug a grandparent and sing the old hymns until that grandparent burst into tears of love for both child and music. That moment becomes a treasured memory that will last both lifetimes.

It's a must that parents develop a strong heritage. Our children need to feel a strong connection to family and the things that define that family. The lessons for how to belong are taught best by the inclusion in family traditions and relationships. While it will turn out negative if we demand and push, it is possible to teach our children to accept and love who we are and what our family stands for.

My husband Ron comes from a rich heritage of farmers. I came from a rich heritage of preachers and city folks. When our children were born I decided that they would know both sides of the family. At the time we were living in Atlanta, Georgia - can't get more city than that - and they were miles from farmland. Every summer I packed a huge trunk and spent a month with Ron's parents on their 365 acre farm.

I encouraged the children to ride the tractors with grandpa and help grandma pick tomatoes and beans. We walked the dirt lanes that snaked into the corn and climbed apple trees for the sweetest apples growing near the top. We picked flowers and snuggled on green grass looking for pictures in the clouds. I was totally out of my element and had to work to find interesting things to do, but my children picked up on my desire to "love" Ron's heritage. I taught them to enjoy adventures and to appreciate another way of life.

All three children have an appreciation for the farm and the lifestyle of their grandparents. Going to the farm for a visit isn't a chore - it's a treat and a blessing. Anytime they see tractors or farmland, their face softens and they want to share the experience with their Dad. None of my children have chosen to be farmers - but that wasn't the goal. The goal was to give them a rich heritage and a strong self-esteem that says, "I belong to a family of worth."

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie