Imagine you have just been mugged. You had three thousand dollars cash in your purse and you were on your way to buy a used car for your son. He needs a car so he can work part time and earn money for college. Your dreams and plans have just been derailed and to top it off, the mugger broke your arm and you won't be able to work for 6 weeks. Hysteria takes over and you are out of control.
The police officer grabs your shoulders and gives you a quick shake. "Ma'am, Ma'am, snap out of it." For some, that may be all that is needed. Others will continue the hysteria. Let's say you are one of those. In order to get you to calm down, your husband reaches over and punches you on the arm. "Debbie...snap out of it!" You hit back and it becomes a free for all. A policewoman enters the picture and grabs you from behind so you can't move your arms. She forces you into a chair, hugs you tightly and calmly and forcefully speaks into your ear, "Its okay, we will take care of this. You will be fine. Calm down. We can't help you unless you are calm." She doesn't let go until you calm down.
What's happening here? The policewoman is taking over the situation. She isn't angry, she isn't aggressive, she's providing "calm assertive energy". She's telling you by her voice, her energy and her leadership that you can trust her and it's okay to relax.
That's trust. That's what you need to do with your children. They need to understand that no matter what the situation, you will be able to be the leader and that you "DO" know best. They need to trust that you won't deal with them in anger or frustration. There needs to be a non-verbal understanding that you need their respect and trust in order for you to provide a calm atmosphere....and that you promise never to let them down.
Trust and Training will provide a calm atmosphere. But....as Cesar says....you must first believe that you are "in charge" or in the role of "pack leader". If you don't truly believe you are the leader - neither will your children!
Remember....there is a difference in being in control (pack leader) and being a dictator. Being a pack leader doesn't mean that you take away your child's freedom to have an opinion. Being in control simply means that you have rules, boundaries and that you both will work to deserve each other's respect.
All of this happens non-verbally before any instructions or demands are made.
As Cesar says.....you can't lead if you are weaker than they are. Any situation demands a leader and if you abdicate that leadership, they will instantly take over. When parents allow a child to become the leader, they won't ever be able to control or redirect their behavior.
Set boundaries, give support and comfort, be in control and respect your child's needs. These are some of the things that must be in place in order to have a calm relationship with your child.
Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie
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