Never punish a child for "being" a child

Mommy and Daddy are adults. Babies are not.

Mommy and Daddy can plan. Babies can not.

Mommy and Daddy know all about consequences. Babies do not.

Your greatest tool as a parent is to understand what your child can and can't do during all the stages of his life.

Don't expect a two-year-old to think about the floor when his cup has lost it's top and the red Kool-aid is making neat little circles on the white carpet. He is at the point in his life when red circles will fascinate him while keeping mommy's carpet stain free will not.

Don't punish a three-year-old because he can't sit still in a stroller while you shop for two hours. His little body isn't made that way and he simply does not have the mental brain power to sit still while you check out the newest fashions.

Don't punish a four-year-old for putting water in the car gas tank. How is he supposed to know that cars don't run on water?

Don't punish a seven-year-old for telling Aunt Martha that he doesn't like frogs anymore - even if she did give him frog underwear for Christmas. Unless you have given him lessons on polite behavior even when we don't like something - he probably doesn't realize that he might hurt her feelings.

All of the above situations deserve to be treated as training exercises and are not worthy of punishment. If you need a plan to train and help your child navigate some of the challenging stages of his life - go to http://www.debbiejansen.com/ and look under resources. You can order two brochures that will help. The Penny System and Stages of life will help you to understand your child. Or you can send me an e-mail with any questions you have.

Seek His Wisdom,

Debbie

A haunting poem

I have a book in my library that was given to Ron for his 20th birthday. I love the book. It has become one of my favorites. God is no fool by Lois A. Cheney is comprised of 99 poems. Each and every one has driven me into hours of deep contemplation. If you can find this book - buy it.

I often teach about how our children watch us and how powerful our "lives" are in the training of our children. We speak volumes often not with what we say - but rather how we act and re-act when hidden in our homes. I hope you will see the great lesson in Lois Cheney's poem # 44.

forty-four

The pain of pain is disappointment, for it cannot be taped or healed or cut away. Dull, creeping out of nowhere, it settles and seeps, covering heart, mind and perspective.

The task that loomed as special, glowing with promise and challenge, slips into meaninglessness. The task aimed at, sought for, planned on, arrives; and what glowed is tarnished, and what beckoned seems hollow. And disappointment smothers.

The eyes that loomed as special, glowing with warmth and shared moments, slip into the sea of uncaring eyes. Moments awaited, arrive; and untrue words rattle aimlessly around the room. What seemed real now appears false; what appeared expansive now narrows. And disappointment smothers.

One could become angry and feel cheated in the disappointments that move into hopes, dreams, and daily steps. One could turn hard, cold--except for two questions.

How many times do others watch me in dull disappointment?
How often do the eyes of Christ look on, throbbing in disappointment?

God have mercy on us.

Boy - Lois gets me every time. Remember - your children are watching you. Be the model they need.

Seeking His Wisdom

Debbie

Protecting your child with...

When counseling with troubled children, the #1 thing I look for is their level of self-esteem. If it's too low, they will be filled with guilt, insecurities and fears. If it's lop-sided and they have turned a proper self-esteem into a controlling addiction, they will be bullies. If it's so low it's almost non-existent - my job is going to take a long time.

The most important thing you can do for your child is to protect them with a healthy self-esteem. A healthy self-esteem will not destroy others in order to promote self. A healthy self-esteem will value others and will be able to work side by side for a common good. A healthy self-esteem will be able to sacrifice as well as receive (gracefully) the gifts of others.

A healthy self-esteem will protect your child. It will be easier for him to stand up for what's right, to stay within the convictions of your family, to work with others and to listen to instructions. He/she will not be fooled by the taunts of others because they have confidence in their own worth. His belief in who he is will allow him to excel in his talents. Her belief in her own value will allow her to resist conformity to other struggling children or teens. How?

A healthy self-esteem is based on truth.

1. A person with a healthy self-esteem knows and likes who they are. Their talents aren't puffed up - they are real. They are comfortable with their strengths and abilities and they can acknowledge their faults or shortcomings. They realize that they are valuable and important in their own small world.

2. A person with a healthy self-esteem does not bully others. They realize that we all are important in our own way. They quickly find a way to accept others and allow them to succeed.

3. A person with a healthy self-esteem can listen to instruction. They are teachable and that will cause them to be a VIP to their teachers.

4. Bullies have a hard time hurting children with a healthy self-esteem. A child with a proper self-esteem will quickly realize that anything a bully says is a lie. By not buying into the lie - the bully is neutralized.

5. A person with a healthy self-esteem will also be in control of his temper.

6. A person with a healthy self-esteem will work harder to excel in his talent. The more success he has, the harder he works to improve. It's a wonderful cycle that will take his life to new heights.

7. A person with a healthy self-esteem just has more fun. They are able to relax and enjoy life.

8. A person with a healthy self-esteem will have more friends. We all gravitate to people we can enjoy.

Protect your child. Be a great Mommy detective and give your child the tool he/she needs to be successful in life. Give them a healthy self-esteem.

Seek His Wisdom

Debbie

Excellence has many components

Most new parents look at a sleeping baby and their minds flood with hopeful images of successful days and adult achievements. What will this baby be 25 years from now?

I'm not a sports person. Never have been. I do appreciate genius and the journey a person must take to arrive at that level. This last week-end I was privileged to watch the opening ceremony for the 2008 Olympics. About 2/3 through the show, one commentator announced, "Retire the trophy. No one will ever top this."

The show was a feast of miraculous images that expanded your mind, thrilled your eyes and ignited your imagination. It was not only a tribute to the genius of the co-directors, Chinese filmmaker Zhang Yimou and Chinese choreographer Zhang Jigang, but it featured a cast of over 15,000 performers, and was dubbed beforehand as "the most spectacular Olympics Opening Ceremony ever produced.

I would guess that about 80% of the program my mouth was open in complete awe! It's difficult in America to get five people to agree and work together. This show had over 15,000 people working as one machine to produce an unbelievable majestic event.

I kept wondering about the directors, the 15,000 extremely disciplined performers and the dedication of everyone to create such a mind boggling show. I thought about America's latest attempts at fantastic shows and I was embarrassed. How pathetic that we think a rock band, costume malfunctions and a few fireworks are able to express our finest dreams.

As Mommy Detectives we must ask ourselves what components are needed to prepare a child to express his art in such a cornucopia of ways. These men and women collectively had to have a knowledge of history, both Chinese and Olympic. They had to have some knowledge of the participants and why they were coming to the Olympics. They had to understand a universal language and how to express their thoughts in that language. They had to be disciplined and strong as a well as being able to inspire others to be dedicated to the cause and disciplined in their respective areas. They had to be attentive to details and how to form a progressive plan to carry out each detail. They had to be artistic and creative yet sensitive to the needs of the individual. They had to be able to touch over 90,000 people in the stadium with their message and actually bring them to their feet in unison respect for the art.

Their task was huge. It would not be accomplished without a commitment to "Excellence" and a desire to push their own talents to the maximum. This huge goal would never be accomplished with whiners, students who are happy with D's or individuals who think embarrassment on a reality show is achieving your personal best.

Discipline will always take a society to the level of excellence. America is suffering because we are training our youth that "Dumb and Dumber" is acceptable and "Valedictorians" are not. I recently heard a quick blurb on a news show that a county school board was being sued to make valedictorians illegal. Those suing felt that "It makes those that can't achieve that level feel bad." I've heard that other school systems are considering a "no grade" policy. Excellence will never grow within a pass/fail philosophy. Whiners will always lower the bar for any society.

I beg all you Mommy Detectives to train your children to push their limits, go for the gold, strive for excellence and be all that God has called them to be! As Debbie (Michael Phelps mom - 7 Gold medalist) Phelps is proving, we can be a powerful influence in helping our children achieve their best.



Seek His Wisdom

Debbie

A piece of the Puzzle

Children are like sponges. They will absorb everything in their environment. As Mommy detectives we must evaluate every part of their lives and make a conscious decision to give "value" to every clue.

One of the most valuable clues to a child's behavior is the relationship between their parents. As the divorce rate climbs we must consider the problems it will cause the children. I don't want to get into the complicated issues of divorce - at least not in this blog - but we must accept that divorce does cause problems. Whether or not it is right to divorce (and in some cases it is) isn't the issue. The problems you have with your spouse will change your child's behavior. No matter how careful, no matter how kind or loving - your child will be affected by your divorce.

By the same token, if you stay together you child will be affected by your marriage. The simple fact is that your child is watching you. If you are kind to your spouse, he will subconsciously learn to be kind to his spouse. If you are argumentative, vindictive, spiteful or a nagging spouse, your child will relate to others in the same way.

Your marriage is a huge part of how you teach your child. It will determine his pre-conceived ideas about outside relationships.

One of your first Mommy Detective clues should be to evaluate your marriage and be sure you are sending the right message about how to treat others. Only a strong healthy marriage or (in the case of single parent homes) a strong healthy relationship with those outside the family - will produce a child ready for healthy relationships.

Before investigating other clues, be sure you are leading by example. Be sure your actions toward your spouse represent a healthy picture of love.

Tomorrow Ron and I will celebrate 34 wonderful years of marriage. Our children are quick to say that watching our relationship has taught them a lot about love. I am confident that you too will be able to help your child visualize "love" by how your treat your spouse or those outside your home.


A few funnies.....

The wife turned to her husband and asked, "Will you love me when my hair turns gray?"

"Why not?" he said. "Haven't I loved you through five other shades?"

**********

A young man was proposing to his girlfriend: "Honey, I love you, but I wish I could give you the things my friend Benny has --boats, cars, airplanes -- but honey, I really love you."

She replied, "I love you too, baby, but tell me more about Benny."

***********

Dave told his wife Marylou he would take her out to dine like royalty.

Later Marylou reported, "We started out at Burger King and wound up at the Dairy Queen."

***********

She: "This is an ideal spot for a picnic."

He: "It must be. Fifty million insects can't be wrong."

If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,your children will always return.


Seek His Wisdom,

Debbie

Why should I become a Mommy Detective?

Good Question!

Life is all about asking good questions isn't it? Like detectives, if we don't ask the right question we may not get the answers we need.

In one of the first episodes of The Andy Griffith show, Opie is being reprimanded for not giving money to the charity drive at school. All the other children are giving 50 cents or a dollar but not Opie. Opie gives the huge amount of three cents. For 25 minutes Andy tries to convince Opie to give more money. Finally in the last scene, Andy gives up. He tells Opie that it doesn't matter what he gives and that he will love him anyway.

"If you want to keep your money to take your little friend Charlotte to the movies, well, I guess that's okay. Or even if you want to buy her candy or popcorn or a nice gift, that's okay too."

"I don't want to do that Pa."

"You don't?"

"No, I want to buy her a coat. Her ma doesn't have much money and I am saving up to buy her a winter coat. The one she has now has holes in it."

"Well, Opie....you didn't tell me that. Why didn't you let me know that's what you were saving for?"

"You never asked!"

Being a Mommy Detective is not about invading the privacy of your child's space. Being a mommy detective is finding out as many clues as you can in order to provide a safe home and to help your child become all that God created him/her to be.

We must look a our child's world with the fresh eyes of a detective - understanding that it's the tinest clues that make the difference in how our children perceive the world.

For a deeper understanding of this process you can pre-order my newest book, Discipline exposed. My next book Mommy Detective will explore all the ways we can get involved and help our children.

Let's pretend you have to solve a crime. Your child is acting out and you aren't sure why, but you know that if it continues it will damage his grades, relationships and his future. Yelling and spanking may deter the problem for a moment but it will not address the underlying cause. You want to eliminate the problem completely so you must find out what's causing the bad behavior. Put on your detective star, get out your notepad and let's get started.

The five points on your detective star stand for the following:

1. Any good detective will investigate the scene of the crime.

In other words, always place yourself in your child’s world. Try to see what they see, live with their problems and view their friends. I was counseling with a troubled teen and had a terrible time finding the source of the problem. Finally, I spent a day at the school. Watching her classmates and friends led me to the cause of her problems.

2. Watch body language.

Nothing tells you more about your child’s inner feelings than body language. Watch their face, eyes and hands. Watch as they interact with others. Are they nervous, do they fidget? Did you know that an abused child will use body language to tell an investigator who is doing the abuse? They are frightened to tell on the abuser so they usually sit in his/her lap. This way they assure the abuser that they are protecting them, but sub-consciously they are sending a message to the investigator – this is my abuser.

3. Make talking a comfortable experience.

Remember how Detective Columbo reassured the killer. He was always nice and did all he could to make the killer comfortable. I’m not suggesting that we look at our children as killers, but we will get more information with acceptance than if we blurt out our suspicions.

4. Listen for tiny clues.

Sometimes the smallest clue can be the most devastating. The human mind is like a detailed puzzle. Tiny bits of information can be tucked away in our memory cells and change our lives forever. Watch for the little clues your child uses to alert you to a problem.

A young teen was having a hard time at school. Her grades were plummeting. Her hygiene was suffering and her eating habits were changing. She was not on drugs and was somewhat popular. She was not being bullied and seemed content with school. A physical revealed she was healthy. Her parents were happily married and her home was safe. What could cause this drastic change?Mom listened for every tiny clue. It took several months of making sure she heard every word the young teen said.

One Saturday afternoon they were watching the Olympics. The teen expressed how much she liked sports. The conversation revealed that she believed she couldn't marry and have a good relationship if she was involved in sports. “Women who have great lives are feminine.” Mom was a very feminine woman but her daughter was better suited for sports.

This young teen was denying her purpose in life because she was afraid of failing at her future marriage. When mom explained that you could have both, the problem was resolved and she went on to be both feminine and successful at sports.

5. Check all related sources.

Detectives don’t stop at the crime scene they look for motives, causes, weapons and accomplices. Anything your child touches, breathes, reads, listens to, participates in, talks with, learns from or brushes against has the potential to change his thinking. Never rule out anything.

As we become good detectives we will have the information to help our children succeed. Wear the star proudly. Don’t be a bumbling goof, earn the right to be a respected parenting “Columbo”.

Seek His Wisdom

Debbie

Coming soon

The first post for Mommy Detective is being written today. Hopefullly it should post by tomorrow. In the meantime, send your questions to debbie@debbiejansen.com. Together we will find an answer to any problem you have. Your name or any distinguishing traits will never be mentioned on the blog. Your confidentiality is important to me.