Christmas Meltdown

Debbie, I need help!

I'm trying to have a good Christmas season, but my son is having daily meltdowns! I've taken away all the sugar (even though he's not usually hyperactive) I've scolded him and done more time outs than you can imagine. I've talked to him and even sent him to his room. I don't want to get violent, but I'm at the end of my rope. Please help.

He's four and I want him to have fun this year, but I'm even afraid of putting up the tree. I think he might launch off the couch just to see if he can reach the top star. It's really sad too because normally he's quiet and a lot of fun. In the last week he's gotten into everything he shouldn't, I'm always fussing and he's always crying. Is there an answer to his Christmas Meltdown?

Bah Humbug! Sounds like your home has turned from happy to miserable real fast. Let's see if we can put our detective hat on and see what might be happening.

From birth until age two most children are simply taking in the sights. They are exploring yes...but most of it is to accumulate stimulus and let their brains get used to navigating their little bodies. When they begin to repeat simple words, you can begin the process of communication and training.

At two years old your child should be using two word sentences and be able to understand simple commands and concepts. At age three your child is using three to five word sentences and is asking "what, where and when". Your child should be using intelligible words about 80% of the time and his vocabulary is about 300-1,000 words.

Here's the clue for your child. This comment was written to go along with a booklet entitled Stages of Growth and maturity. You can write me for a copy of the entire booklet.

"From birth to age two, it is vital that you make sense to your child. Explain everything. Not only the physical but the emotional, educational, social and stress areas as well. By age four your child will have developed a sense of who and what you are. Because their concentration level is still only about 45-60 seconds, they will still make mistakes and some of those mistakes will seem like defiance. But, If you look closer at the reasons for sudden meltdowns you might find out that your child is dealing with a tidal wave of information and simply doesn't have the tools to deal with it all.

Imagine that you just took a job as a secretary to five lawyers. You spent three weeks training with the previous secretary. Today is your first day all by yourself. You know you can do it, but that repetitive attitude - I don't have to think about it cause I just know how to do it - hasn't evolved. You sit down and look around. Your office is beautiful and you are so excited you landed such an important and stimulating job.

Your bliss is interrupted when one boss comes in and yells that he wants coffee, a phone call and an entire file folder copied and on his desk in 10 minutes. Another boss arrives and fusses about some check that your predecessor should have mailed and you better find it and now! Another boss arrives smiling and wants to be friends. He wants you to stop by so he can give you the "welcome" speech. The fourth boss yell a cuss word followed by a command that you didn't get because four lines are now ringing. The fifth boss tells you not to park where you did and to let him know when his call to London comes through. You know, the one you just hung up on. You break the heal of your shoe getting to the first boss and ......

Well...you get the idea. How would you handle that? Would you have a meltdown?

So what's that got to do with your 4 year old? He's learned a lot of words, learned how to manipulate his body, learned about presents and fun times. He likes movement because it's so cool to get his body to do stuff that he couldn't do for a long time. The world looks to him like one big toy store. He hasn't learned about disappointments, work ethics or rejections. He doesn't know anything about grandmothers that don't like messy tables or dirty clothes. All he understands is that if something looks cool - investigate, cause it probably is!

And you...He loves you, but you've gone from "Let's go see" to "No, don't touch." He doesn't understand that the principle of digging in the summer ground for worms doesn't work with poinsettias.

What I'm trying to say is that yes...he's wrong. Yes....he needs to be restrained....but you're wrong too. You can't take an inexperienced child with all that energy and place him in a house full of stimulus and expect him to remain calm.

Why would you think that a child that doesn't have the capacity to remember what happened when he was three would remember the cool tree from last Christmas. He won't. But here comes Mom with two boxes of ornaments and lights and this big tree that looks like a tall forest from his viewpoint. He stands there looking up and smelling the pine scent. He's not going to think "Oh, I better be careful, this is going to make a mess."

No, a four year old is thinking...."Wow, cool. Wonder if this tree has a squirrel in it? Cool, look at that green stuff dropping off. Wonder if I could make them all fall off? Should I pull them or can I just brush them. What's this icky stuff? It makes my fingers stick together. What would happen if I put it on this toy or this table? Daddy lets me climb the tree out front. I bet I could climb this one too. Pretty clinking things! What would happen if I bounced this glass ball?"

Children are stimulated the most by what colors? Primary colors. Deep reds, blues and greens.

And what have you decorated your house with??? Deep reds, blues and greens.

Have a heart Mom....give that kid a break! Don't give in to him and make him a brat, but do teach him how to be excited without destroying the house.

How?

Take one full day to train him. Don't plan anything for the day except one on one time with you and the house. Take him around and let him touch and feel the pretty things. Tell him he can't play with them and show him why. Take an ornament or trinket that you don't mind breaking and show him how fragile they are. Throw it down or put it in a cloth and crush it with your shoe. Let him hear it break and see the damage. Then explain that if we break these, we won't have the money to replace them. That's why you can't allow him to launch off the couch.

After he has the information needed to calm down about Christmas - design a plan. Maybe you will want to corral his excitement by allowing him to play with a new toy everyday. Take toys out of his room and wrap them up. Everyday - if he is calm during the day - he is allowed to open a present after supper to play with. Make the game more exciting by wrapping them in funny ways and seeing if he can guess the toy before he opens it.

All day long when his little mind and body gets too excited point to the "daily" presents and say, "Remember that if you stop this and control your body, you can open one of those." You will be training him to concentrate on a goal, control his emotions, plan for the future and control his body." Wow! That quite an accomplishment.

Allow him to participate in what your doing. A little mess while he rolls his own cookie dough takes less time to clean up than dealing with an out of control child for two hours.

If you go shopping be sure and include time for him. Don't make him run double time to keep up with you or wait for two hours while you pick out a shirt. Take along plenty of snacks and small toys to keep him occupied. Take or get a stroller so he won't get tired of walking. Stop every 15 minutes to tickle, cuddle and play. And while you are in the middle of shopping, include him by asking, "Do you like this? Do you think Daddy will like this? Can you help me find a red one?"

I hope this helps. If it doesn't, send a more detailed account of your problems to my personal e-mail address debbie@debbiejansen.com and I'll try to sort it all out. You might also want to go to my store and order "How to have a Goof Proof Christmas". It has lots of tips for yourself as well as your children.

Merry Christmas!

Debbie