I'm so mad I can't think....

All parents have been at the point of irrational thinking. We are busy and our child keeps nagging or we have work to do and our child whines or starts a fight with a sibling. We know it's our job to teach them....but we are worried about other things and can't stop to handle the situation. Almost every parent I've ever taught or counseled with has asked the question, "Why can't my child get it? Why can't they wait? Why are they doing this?"

When the stress elevates, an overwhelming majority of parents use what they believe is the fastest form of punishment. They begin taking things away. "Okay, that's it mister. I'm taking your CD player." or "That's it young lady, no more TV for you."

Parents have the mistaken idea that they are the same as our public detention centers or wardens in a jail. That our children are criminals and the only way to get them to mind is to strip their lives of fun or entertainment.

That may let a 20 year old killer know that he's lost all his rights in society, but it will not change the attitude or lifestyle of your child. That will take a different strategy.

First of all, you don't want to be perceived as the Big Bad Boo-gey Mom who steps into their lives and creates only negative vibes. You don't want to be the thief that takes away all their possessions.

Second, you don't want to be an Indian giver. After all, being an Indian giver can set you up as someone that can't be trusted. Didn't you allow the priviledge or gift because you loved them or as a reward or as a birthday or Christmas gift. What gives you the right to destroy those good times by taking away the very thing you gave them in the first place?

Third, taking things away usually will only be depressing to your child - not inspiring. And what you are trying to do is "inspire" them to do their homework or "inspire" them to stop fighting. Inspiration comes through the acknowledgement that there's something better out there. It doesn't come through depression because you've just lost everything.

Put it in your terms. How would you feel if your boss comes in and gives you a new task - that you have no instructions on how to complete - and say, "Do this and do this right or you will lose a day of vacation for every time you mess up." You might try at first, but when your vacation begins to shrink, you are going to start looking for another job - you aren't going to try harder.

Next time your child misbehaves, instead of taking something away - find out why the misbehavior occurred and then be creative in your teaching and in presenting a plan that will

"inspire" your child to do what's right.

Seeking His Wisdom

Debbie

Child depression during difficult times

Did you know that children never really cut the "parental" umbilical cord? Oh, some may think they have. They get all puffed up and rant and rave about their rights. They move out and think that distance will somehow prove that they have left their parents in the dust. But....the truth of the matter is that I've never met a child or an adult that didn't either have deep feelings for their parents - or wished they had parents they could respect.

It's just a fact of life. Children are connected to their parents. It's part of who we are.

But....this isn't a lesson on how to respond properly to your parents. This lesson is for parents.

Mom....Dad....once you decide to have a child, everything you do or say or feel will cause a reaction in your children. Sorry. Nothing you can do about it, it's gonna be there!

So, when you come home from work and you are really mad at your boss. When you stomp around the house and yell at your children - they are going to think they are the cause of all your stress.

Mom, when you are too tired to go on and you start crying while loading the washer - little Johnny is going to hear you and think he's done something wrong.

Every child I've ever counseled with during their parent's divorce "always" believes that if they were just better, if they had been good, if they had worked and received better grades - somehow all of that would have made a difference and Mom and Dad would be together.

Children get their clues for their safety and well being from you!

Why did Laura Bush address the nation right after 911? To caution all parents to be careful about letting their children watch the news. "Sit with them and reassure them that they are safe," was her plea to parents.

So...during these difficult times - watch your child's face. Be careful about discussing the budget or Dad's job in front of them. Rather than emphasizing the bad, try to concentrate on the good. Even if you are losing your home or you have to go bankrupt, make a point to sit and explain it to your child. Make sure you concentrate on the fact that you all will be okay because you have each other. You all will survive because your love is strong. Give your child hope even when facing the worst situation.

Even when life is hard, your child still needs love. Don't stop loving, hugging, tickling and praising your child. Your children are your most prized possessions. Treasure them and make sure they make it through this with a grateful, loving and positive heart.

Want an example? Rent the movie "Life is Beautiful" with Roberto Benigni. This is a story of great parenting during the most trying situation. A father and son are sent to a consentration camp. Through it all, the father not only gives the child a reason to be hopeful, but he helps him survive that horrible ordeal. I laughed and cried through the entire picture. A must see!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Watch His Face!

I like Fox news. I like the personalities and the honesty in their reporting. However, today they had a segment that made me both furious and sad.

When parents aren't sure what to do, they can make some horrible mistakes. Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of people schooled on being a "Mommy or Daddy detective". Again, that doesn't mean you invade your child's space. It does mean that you are looking for the clues that will tell you what's going on with your child. It does mean that you are going to be creative in finding a way into your child's heart.

I caution in my book Discipline Exposed, that using embarrassment as a form of punishment will never work. In my new book, Mommy Detective, I explain all the reasons why.

The segment on Fox was about parents who were so frustrated with why their child wasn't making good grades, that they made him wear a sandwich sign listing his grades and ending with a negative statement about his future. The parents explained that they had talked with teachers and professionals and that they were so worried about his grades that they didn't feel they had any other choice.

When Brian asked the 12 year old how he felt about it, his only remark was that "it sucks". For the rest of the 90 second interview he sat between his parents looking totally embarrassed and at certain times he rolled his eyes. Tears flooded my eyes as I thought, "Isn't anyone watching this child's face?" I felt so sorry for him. His problem was no longer bad grades - now he was a national example of failure.

These "uninformed" destructive parents were actually congratulated by people e-mailing the station. Gretchen (so disappointed in this) said she admired the parents for taking a stand.

Okay. I agree that parents should be pro-active in their child's life. But if you don't take your child into consideration and you make a "stupid" decision like this one - you aren't helping. You will damage your child.

Here's why this method will not work....

Embarrassment never works because you can't control the outcome. If your child hits little brother and you've tried everything else - you can take matters in hand and put him in the corner or smack his little behind or get creative and make him "serve" his little brother in some way. With all of those actions, you can control both the responses and the environment. The situation and responses are confined to your home and to three personalities only. No one else is involved and you can oversee the good responses as well as the bad ones.

But....if you open the playing field to extended family, friends or the public - you are no longer in control. Grandma who doesn't understand the issue may say something that will stay with him forever. What if she says, "I'm so disappointed in you. I always thought you were a little delinquent. I guess you are going to grow up and be as stupid as your father."

While most grandmothers would take up for the child and not say something like this - there are a few that would. Now you aren't only dealing with a small altercation between brothers, now you have brought the issues of self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy and failure, and the deterioration of love for grandma into the mix. As those issues bombard your child, you aren't dealing with a simple brother/brother issue. Now you have to defend or support people who don't have your child's best interest at heart.

Your role as parent is to protect your child from the outside world until he is strong enough and wise enough to provide his own protection. Until then, if you throw him out for ridicule by the public - you are placing your child into a situation that he's not prepared for and allowing other people to hurt him. You are also ultimately placing your rights as parents into the hands of strangers.

And will this change your child's bad behavior? Absolutely not. He will choose one of two responses. He will either be so embarrassed that he will continue to fail just to say.... "Okay, you think I'm a delinquent - I'll just accept it and prove that you're right."

Or...He will be so embarrassed that he will change his behavior on that one point. He will refrain from hitting brother. However, he will be so angry about the embarrassment that the problem will manifest itself in other areas. So, he may be nice to brother, but decide mom is the issue and he will take all his anger out on mom.

I would guess that 90% of the issues with parents of teens is based on the fact that teens don't trust and won't talk to their parents. Well, duh! If you throw your child into an embarrassment situation, why would they ever trust you with internal or personal information again? You just proved to them that you are more interested in public opinion and personal action than you are in the protection of your child's feelings! Who could trust that? I wouldn't. Think about it in your own life. Would you put up with a boss that berates and belittles you in front of other co-workers? Would you continue to go to a church if the pastor stops in his sermon to point to you and ask - "Have you conquered your problem of lying yet?"

No? Well, why in the world would you do that to your child?

As Mommy and Daddy Detectives you must be clear on this....Your job as a parent is to see inside your child and discover what is TRUTH. Maybe he hits because he feels brother is getting more attention. Maybe you've never taught him how to properly handle anger and frustration. Maybe when you aren't looking, little brother is mean or starts arguments.

If you don't find out and handle the real source of your child's problem, you are only suppressing a problem on one end ultimately causing it to erupt on the other end.

So Debbie, what would you tell the parents on Fox? I would tell them the damage has been done. While they may be getting positive responses to their actions, it's not their parenting self-esteem that caused this problem. They need to quickly find out what is being said to that child by his peers. They need to find out what's happening now that they have displayed him negatively on national television. And...they need to apologize and ask for forgiveness. Their relationship with their son is in jeopardy and before they fix anything else - that must be repaired.

And as far as the grades are concerned. What if he's really smart and just bored with school? What if the teachers are bad? What if no one has "inspired" him to love learning? What if he doesn't turn in homework because he needs help remembering long term tasks? What if he's being bullied and has chosen to be stupid so people will look the other way? What if someone that he admires has convinced him that he's stupid - oh wait....the parents have already done that!

If you want more information about how to handle this right by developing a behavior modification plan or implementing a truth time with your children, please order my book Discipline Exposed. You can also send me an e-mail. I will be happy to help you.

Seeking God's Wisdom

Debbie

Do you know your child?

Once when I was counseling with a young mom, I stopped her in mid-sentence to ask, "Do you really know your child?"

She was horrified. "Of course, I know my child. What kind of question is that? I love my child. I think he's the greatest. I can't believe you said that to me."

I'm sure that you know his weight and his eye color. I'm positive that you kiss him often and that you are proud of how he looks and how smart he is at school....but do you know the "real" person? Do you know what his fears are? Do you know if he gets nervous when called on in class? Do you know if he stands on the sidelines at recess or if he intimidates others? Has he ever thought a cuss word, or maybe even yelled it at a friend? Is he positive when he talks about you to his friends? On the way to church, with the radio blasting out a tune, does he stare at clouds and wonder if there really is a God or is it all a joke?

She stared at me as if I was an alien. Finally she pushed her hair behind her ears and looked down at her feet. "Well....how am I supposed to know all that? That's his personal thoughts. He would never tell me those things."

Ah....the real question then is why not? If one of those issues was churning in your mind and you met a life time friend for lunch - wouldn't you share with her? Why wouldn't it be just as easy to share with a person you live with? Someone who sits across the table at least 12-14 times a week should be easy to talk to. A person that does your undies and watches TV with you shouldn't be hard to approach? Why doesn't you child feel comfortable talking with you?

Building a strong line of communication is one of the most important things you can do as a parent. Yes, you must assume the role of parent. But that doesn't mean you are the big bad boogeymom all the time. Sometimes the role of parent is one of confidant. Sometimes you need to be the keeper of secrets and the protector of inner fears.

After all, you will never know how to help a child until you know their inner thoughts.

Try to see the world from their point of view. NEVER SAY TO YOUR CHILD, "Ahh, that's no big deal." That's a sure fire way to stop communication.

Next time you talk to your pre-teen, imagine that you have a pimply face, moderate clothes and that you are shy. Close your eyes and think about what it would feel like to be snubbed by the cutest guy in class or to have the most popular girl point at you and giggle. You can't possibly talk intelligently with your teen until you feel their pain.

Next time your six year old cries about the pressure of first grade, don't go into some grand speech about being tough. Instead look into her world. Imagine her teacher yelling and the other children staring. Be sympathetic and only after you've won her confidence....then give her steps to lead her out of her problem.

Parents must provide their child with answers.....but before we give them answers we must be sure we see their world through their eyes.

Seeking his wisdom,

Debbie

Bullies

One of the toughest problems for young children is bullying - especially on the elementary school age level.

Now there's hope. The American Doll Corporation has decided to help young girls with courage. Their new 2009 Doll of the year - Chrissa - will help young girls find the courage to stand up for herself and others.

You can check out this courageous new doll and her friends at http://store.americangirl.com/agshop/static/home.jsf or you can order it through my Amazon.com website link in the sidebar.

It seems like it would be a wonderful tool to open the lines of communication so you can talk to your daughter about courage and bullies. Let me know what you think!

As far as dealing with bullies, one of your most important tools is "communication". Bullies use scare tactics to keep your child from talking with you. That's the only way they can remain in control. They may even go so far as to convince your child that if he/she talks to you about the bully - that they have a way to hurt the family. Most of the time there's no way a bully can hurt the family - but the innocence of your child may make him feel like the bully is telling the truth.

Only when your child knows that "you" will protect them, that bullies can't hurt you or your child and that "you" will be on their side - only then will a child have the courage to tell you what's going on.

Remember: You can't diffuse a bully unless you know what he's doing to your child. Get the facts in a loving and safe environment.

Seeking His Wisdom

Debbie