Do you know your child?

Once when I was counseling with a young mom, I stopped her in mid-sentence to ask, "Do you really know your child?"

She was horrified. "Of course, I know my child. What kind of question is that? I love my child. I think he's the greatest. I can't believe you said that to me."

I'm sure that you know his weight and his eye color. I'm positive that you kiss him often and that you are proud of how he looks and how smart he is at school....but do you know the "real" person? Do you know what his fears are? Do you know if he gets nervous when called on in class? Do you know if he stands on the sidelines at recess or if he intimidates others? Has he ever thought a cuss word, or maybe even yelled it at a friend? Is he positive when he talks about you to his friends? On the way to church, with the radio blasting out a tune, does he stare at clouds and wonder if there really is a God or is it all a joke?

She stared at me as if I was an alien. Finally she pushed her hair behind her ears and looked down at her feet. "Well....how am I supposed to know all that? That's his personal thoughts. He would never tell me those things."

Ah....the real question then is why not? If one of those issues was churning in your mind and you met a life time friend for lunch - wouldn't you share with her? Why wouldn't it be just as easy to share with a person you live with? Someone who sits across the table at least 12-14 times a week should be easy to talk to. A person that does your undies and watches TV with you shouldn't be hard to approach? Why doesn't you child feel comfortable talking with you?

Building a strong line of communication is one of the most important things you can do as a parent. Yes, you must assume the role of parent. But that doesn't mean you are the big bad boogeymom all the time. Sometimes the role of parent is one of confidant. Sometimes you need to be the keeper of secrets and the protector of inner fears.

After all, you will never know how to help a child until you know their inner thoughts.

Try to see the world from their point of view. NEVER SAY TO YOUR CHILD, "Ahh, that's no big deal." That's a sure fire way to stop communication.

Next time you talk to your pre-teen, imagine that you have a pimply face, moderate clothes and that you are shy. Close your eyes and think about what it would feel like to be snubbed by the cutest guy in class or to have the most popular girl point at you and giggle. You can't possibly talk intelligently with your teen until you feel their pain.

Next time your six year old cries about the pressure of first grade, don't go into some grand speech about being tough. Instead look into her world. Imagine her teacher yelling and the other children staring. Be sympathetic and only after you've won her confidence....then give her steps to lead her out of her problem.

Parents must provide their child with answers.....but before we give them answers we must be sure we see their world through their eyes.

Seeking his wisdom,

Debbie