If that's not a possibility, before you decide to remove your child from the fun on Valentine's, you need to understand where children get their cues for holidays. Children will build their love or dislike of holidays from three sources.
1. The most powerful source in a child's life for celebrating the holidays comes from parents. Parents can choose to empower their children or make them feel worse. How?
The importance you place on a holiday will determine the excitement your child has for the day. If you treat it like nothing special - so will your child. I've known some children who allow their birthday to come and go because it's not a big deal at home. Celebrating holidays is not a basic need and therefore will be determined and developed by the parent.
As far as how your child interprets the actions of others - he/she will watch your face and listen to your tone for clues as to how to feel. If you are hurt because Sally didn't give your child a
Valentine - your child will transfer feelings of confusion into feelings of hurt. If you treat it as no big deal and you offer explanations, your child will be open to "letting it go." You can diffuse hurt feelings by teaching your child to process social actions properly.
"Perhaps Sally didn't give you a valentine because her parents don't have enough money to purchase Valentines for everyone in the class." This statement will open the door to allow you a chance to teach compassion for others. It can also be followed with another excuse, "Perhaps, Sally wasn't taught to be kind to everyone. Our family feels that it's important to be nice to everyone we meet." This will teach your child how others feel when he neglects them. If your child can handle inward reflection, you could press a little further with this. "Have you been nice to Sally? Perhaps she doesn't feel close to you for some reason. Perhaps Sally needs your kindness and help to be friends. Let's concentrate on the Valentines you do have. Tell me about those friends."
And finally, if your child is ready you can offer the not so pleasant but truthful statement..."Not everyone on the planet is going to be your friend. That's not your fault. As long as you have been as nice as you can, then you need to accept her actions as her own personal choice - not a reflection of you as a person."
It is possible to turn a negative toward your child into a positive learning experience that will prepare him/her to handle future social problems with ease. Teaching your child to spin his life on the positive can help him accept and even work around life's disappointments. Perhaps that's why when my youngest was a teen he decided to rename Valentines Day. He calls it "Single Awareness Day". Every Valentine's Day since he was in high school, he has bought a bag of heart candies and passed them out - not to the cool kids - but to those on the sidelines. He proudly announces, "Happy Single Awareness Day!"
He continued that celebration even when he had girlfriends, through college and now into adult life. He's learned to take a negative and turn it into a positive. Empowering your child will make them strong.
2. The second powerful influence for your child is her teacher or authority figure. Before Valentines, have a quick discussion with your teacher and ask how she is going to promote the holiday. That will give you a chance to prepare for what might be coming.
3. The third and least powerful of all in the eyes of your children - should be their classmates. Many times parents invert this power giving way too much power to the social atmosphere of school. Again, social pressures will only have power if you allow it. Children are born to our care and their greatest need is to have the respect and support of their parents. When you don't take the time to nurture mentoring traits, your child will be forced to turn to peers at school. School should be a great experience. Your children should participate, have friends and build memories. But...if popularity invades the wisdom of your home, future problems will be harder to solve. Peer pressure and rebellion can dig a trench around your child if you don't preserve your mentoring relationship. If you are confused about how to develop a strong mentoring relationship with your child, my book Discipline Exposed - surviving fried worms and flying mudballs can help.
Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie
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