When the conversation drifted into how unfair the grading system was or how unfair sports and contests were......I had to be honest.
"Oh...I see....so you want your child to be inferior." (by inferior I mean unable to handle the knocks and bruises of life)
"What? No I don't. I want them to be the best they can be. I don't want an inferior child. Why would you say that?"
My Answer:
Children learn a lot of things while they are growing. They learn how to walk, how to talk, what happens when they pinch another child, how to read as well as a host of valuable information about their world.
Everything in their little lives becomes a lesson. All their successes are lessons and probably more important - all their failures are lessons. Show me a child that has never failed at anything and I'll guarantee that they are headed for horrible times as an adult. Why?
1. If they have never failed, but they see the results of failure in other lives, they will probably become "fearful" of failure. They will form the opinion that surviving failure is awful. No one gets through this life scot free - and that includes failing. Everyone at some point in their life will face failure. Blessed is the adult that had to face failure as a child and therefore learned from his parent's tender understanding that you CAN survive failure.
2. If they have never watched their friends win while they come in second or lower in their achievements, they will view every minute detail as a failure. In other words unless they can be the ultimate winner, they will view their own accomplishments as failure. What an awful way to live. Think of all the fun times you might miss if you always had to be top dog. Think of all the friends you will miss when they get tired of always being around a "top dog" philosophy.
Think of all the money your adult child will spend on counseling when he has no friends, a fear of failure and an unhealthy desire to always be on top...."it's lonely at the top - and the pressure to stay there is enormous since everyone else will be clawing to remove you from your throne."
Think of all the time "winning only" adults spend trying to be top dog rather than having a good life.
3. Childhood is a practice run for adulthood. If you keep your child from experiencing disappointment or failure, they will be the first to sign up for psychological care when they face adulthood. Adults are constantly hurt. The job doesn't pan out. The boss is mean. The pay isn't what it should be. The baby cries too much. The wife demands too much. The husband was mugged. The family lost their savings to a crooked accountant.
Life isn't easy and it demands an adult that can weather the storms without coming apart. Life demands a strong adult that won't whine or blame their problems on other people.
A mediocre adult is usually one that has been pushed as a child to always be a winner or a child that's been sheltered from experiencing the pain that others have to endure.
Of course we have a duty as parents to be sure that our child can handle what he faces. No child should be bullied or physically hurt. But...every child should have a loving arm around his shoulder and a good parent to lead him/her through acceptance of loss. The most disabled adults I've ever known are people who simply can't handle pain, failure or loss.
And the beautiful side of learning to deal with failure - ta da......a child that wants to keep trying. The result is a child that pushes himself to try harder. (The key here is that the child keeps pushing - not the parent.) The result is a Beautiful adult that is centered and strong when everyone else is losing their cool. Teaching your child to face failure and pain will ultimately lead him full circle to being a mature, well balanced lifetime achiever. He won't accept mediocrity but he will forgive himself when things don't work out right.
Wow! Sounds like an exceptional adult to me!
So where do children learn how to be strong adults?
When they are the bottom player on a losing team - Don't give them a trophy. Instead encourage them to try again next year. Point out their strengths and places where they do excell. Expect them to accept their failures and enjoy their strengths. Be their guide through those failures and show them how to survive with grace.
When they fail math class, don't fuss at the teacher. Ask your child to evaluate his study skills. Get your child a tutor. Be your child's tutor. Ask and encourage them to try harder. Don't demand a grade they didn't get.
*Debbie's pet peeve - pass fail grades. How awful! This will train our children to accept mediocrity. Always hold the carrot out a little further than your child can reach. Always appreciate the valedictorian because they can be a role model for all the children to try harder. Besides, why pull the valedictorian down just because your child won't study harder?
Always be your child's cheerleader for things he does right. Even the little stuff. Cheer him/her on with "good job" even if it's just making the bed correctly.
Never allow your child to take credit for something he/she didn't do. And that also applies to you the parent. Help your child with their homework - but don't do it for them. Not only does that teach them to be lazy, it also teaches them to lie. (I know one child that lost his first very important job - why? Dad had done more of his homework for college. When he received a terrific job after graduation his all A's did not reflect his true abilities and it took only three months for an employer to fire him.)
Finally.....give your child wings. Encourage, encourage, encourage! Expect them to try new things. If they fail - teach them to laugh, accept it and try something else. Let them know that real success is not in the final prize, real success is in the journey.
Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie
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