Precious Pointer #13 Investigate why your child is angry.
It's easy for a parent to assume that children are always angry because they "are being bad". Most of the time that's not the reason. Children want to obey. Children want to have their needs met. Children want to "fit" in their world. When something is wrong - say a headache from allergies - they often become agitated rather than asking you why. All they understand is that they don't feel good and they are missing out on play time or time with friends.
Before you punish your child...find out "why" they are angry or misbehaving. Unless you know the "why" you will never be able to design a solution to the problem.
Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Baby Grabs Surgeon's Hand before being born.
My Dad has been a minister for over 60 years. Most of his sermons are memorable and have added so much to my life. One however, is often the reason I become angry while dealing with some folks. It amazes me that so many people can deny good research so that their unsustainable viewpoints look better. They make fun of research or happenings. They distort information or at the very least refuse to include it in their theories.
My Dad's sermon was about the sin of lying. I believe he used the verse in Revelations 21:8 "But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars--their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death."
His point with this sermon was that if you lie - you go to Hell. No way out of that one. But...what constitutes a lie? Most people know the answer to that one but Dad added something that has haunted me all my life. He taught that if you simply misrepresented the truth, you were actually lying. So if Dad asked me if I read a book and I said yes - knowing that I had only read half the book - not all of it - I was lying. Not because I didn't tell the truth - after all I did read part of the book. I was lying because I lead him to believe something that wasn't true. I knew he was asking about the entire book and by not offering the exact truth, I lead him to believe a lie.
Whoa.....that's hard. Now as an adult I see how very important that is. Every time another person leads us to believe a lie, we become part of the tangled web. Take a moment and think about all the lies that have affected our lives. I've known many Christians who like to think they are being kind by supporting a woman's right to have an abortion. They conveniently look the other way when some new truth supports the idea that abortion is actually the killing of a human life.
A friend sent this to Ron and then it made it's way to me. It is proof that babies in the womb are more than just a collection of cells. It is a baby. Please read to the end and gaze at the fantastic picture of one human connecting with another.
A picture began circulating in November. It should be 'The Picture of the Year,' or perhaps, 'Picture of the Decade.' It won't be. In fact, unless you obtained a copy of the US paper which published it, you probably would never have seen it.
The picture is that of a 21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel Alexander Armas,who is being operated on by surgeon named Joseph Bruner.
The baby was diagnosed with Spina bifida and would not survive if removed from his mother's womb. Little Samuel's mother, Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse in Atlanta. She knew of Dr. Bruner's remarkable surgical procedure. Practicing at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, he performs these special operations while the baby is still in the womb...
During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via C-section and makes a small incision to operate on the baby. As Dr.Bruner completed the surgery on Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny, but fully developed hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger.. DrBruner was reported as saying that when his finger was grasped, it was the most emotional moment of his life, and that for an instant during the procedure he was just frozen, totally immobile.
The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity. The editors titled the picture, 'Hand of Hope.' The text explaining the picture begins, 'The tiny hand of 21-week-old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the mother's uterus to grasp the finger of Dr.. Joseph Bruner as if thanking the doctor for the gift of life.'
Little Samuel's mother said they 'wept for days' when they saw the picture. She said, 'The photo reminds us pregnancy isn't about disability or an illness, it's about a little person.'Samuel was born in perfect health, the operation 100 percent successful.
Don't tell me our God isn't an awesome God!!!!!
If you google this story you will find that even with pictures....this story has been disputed. And even the doctor refuses to see the miracle and instead quotes medical training rather than admit it was a miracle.
Truth or Fiction states "The picture became a sensation as a forwarded email especially among opponents of abortion. The surgeon, Dr. Bruner, told USA Today in 2000 that the picture was being treated like an urban legend and that he'd even received a report that a team of medical experts had called it a hoax. Bruner confirmed that the surgery and the photo were real but said that it was "not true" that the baby reached out of the womb and grabbed his hand, as some of the forwarded emails alleged. "Samuel and his mother, Julie, were under anesthesia and could not move," he said. "The baby did not reach out. The baby was anesthetized. The baby was not aware of what was going on."
Michael Clancy, who owns the copyright to the photo, was stunned by Bruner's comments and maintains that they do not fit what he saw happen during the surgery and when he took his pictures. On his website at www.michaelclancy.com, Clancy said he knows what he saw and also quoted a nurse at Vanderbilt who told him that she'd seen babies do that "all the time."
That's the trouble with trying to hide the truth - or escape from your responsibility to look at all the facts. Often you miss the best part of any nugget of truth - you miss the vein that leads us straight to God. The miracle of this photo was not whether or not the baby was thanking the doctor or had some conscious thought - the miracle is that the surgeon was able to connect with another human being. That he touched that hand, that this human being had unconscious movement just like any other child or adult, that the doctor's skill saved the child's life, that this "IS" an actual hand of an actual human being and not just a mass of cells.
What do you think?
Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie
My Dad's sermon was about the sin of lying. I believe he used the verse in Revelations 21:8 "But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars--their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death."
His point with this sermon was that if you lie - you go to Hell. No way out of that one. But...what constitutes a lie? Most people know the answer to that one but Dad added something that has haunted me all my life. He taught that if you simply misrepresented the truth, you were actually lying. So if Dad asked me if I read a book and I said yes - knowing that I had only read half the book - not all of it - I was lying. Not because I didn't tell the truth - after all I did read part of the book. I was lying because I lead him to believe something that wasn't true. I knew he was asking about the entire book and by not offering the exact truth, I lead him to believe a lie.
Whoa.....that's hard. Now as an adult I see how very important that is. Every time another person leads us to believe a lie, we become part of the tangled web. Take a moment and think about all the lies that have affected our lives. I've known many Christians who like to think they are being kind by supporting a woman's right to have an abortion. They conveniently look the other way when some new truth supports the idea that abortion is actually the killing of a human life.
A friend sent this to Ron and then it made it's way to me. It is proof that babies in the womb are more than just a collection of cells. It is a baby. Please read to the end and gaze at the fantastic picture of one human connecting with another.
A picture began circulating in November. It should be 'The Picture of the Year,' or perhaps, 'Picture of the Decade.' It won't be. In fact, unless you obtained a copy of the US paper which published it, you probably would never have seen it.
The picture is that of a 21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel Alexander Armas,who is being operated on by surgeon named Joseph Bruner.
The baby was diagnosed with Spina bifida and would not survive if removed from his mother's womb. Little Samuel's mother, Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse in Atlanta. She knew of Dr. Bruner's remarkable surgical procedure. Practicing at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, he performs these special operations while the baby is still in the womb...
During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via C-section and makes a small incision to operate on the baby. As Dr.Bruner completed the surgery on Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny, but fully developed hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger.. DrBruner was reported as saying that when his finger was grasped, it was the most emotional moment of his life, and that for an instant during the procedure he was just frozen, totally immobile.
The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity. The editors titled the picture, 'Hand of Hope.' The text explaining the picture begins, 'The tiny hand of 21-week-old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the mother's uterus to grasp the finger of Dr.. Joseph Bruner as if thanking the doctor for the gift of life.'
Little Samuel's mother said they 'wept for days' when they saw the picture. She said, 'The photo reminds us pregnancy isn't about disability or an illness, it's about a little person.'Samuel was born in perfect health, the operation 100 percent successful.
Don't tell me our God isn't an awesome God!!!!!
If you google this story you will find that even with pictures....this story has been disputed. And even the doctor refuses to see the miracle and instead quotes medical training rather than admit it was a miracle.
Truth or Fiction states "The picture became a sensation as a forwarded email especially among opponents of abortion. The surgeon, Dr. Bruner, told USA Today in 2000 that the picture was being treated like an urban legend and that he'd even received a report that a team of medical experts had called it a hoax. Bruner confirmed that the surgery and the photo were real but said that it was "not true" that the baby reached out of the womb and grabbed his hand, as some of the forwarded emails alleged. "Samuel and his mother, Julie, were under anesthesia and could not move," he said. "The baby did not reach out. The baby was anesthetized. The baby was not aware of what was going on."
Michael Clancy, who owns the copyright to the photo, was stunned by Bruner's comments and maintains that they do not fit what he saw happen during the surgery and when he took his pictures. On his website at www.michaelclancy.com, Clancy said he knows what he saw and also quoted a nurse at Vanderbilt who told him that she'd seen babies do that "all the time."
That's the trouble with trying to hide the truth - or escape from your responsibility to look at all the facts. Often you miss the best part of any nugget of truth - you miss the vein that leads us straight to God. The miracle of this photo was not whether or not the baby was thanking the doctor or had some conscious thought - the miracle is that the surgeon was able to connect with another human being. That he touched that hand, that this human being had unconscious movement just like any other child or adult, that the doctor's skill saved the child's life, that this "IS" an actual hand of an actual human being and not just a mass of cells.
What do you think?
Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie
Monday, March 28, 2011
A very important Family Lesson
I think every mother and father has done this at one time or another. It's a problem that must be addressed and we must make every effort to correct. Thank you Darlene for sending this to me. And thank you darling for all your prayers. I am getting better.
I ran into a stranger as he, passed by, "Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too; I wasn't watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said good-bye.
But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed, God's still small voice came
to me and said, "While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use, but the family you love,
you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."
By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay. I love you anyway."
I said, "Son, I love you too, and
I do like the flowers, most especially the blue."
Sometimes, we just need a little reminder of what's important!
FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU
Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie
I ran into a stranger as he, passed by, "Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too; I wasn't watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said good-bye.
But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed, God's still small voice came
to me and said, "While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use, but the family you love,
you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."
By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay. I love you anyway."
I said, "Son, I love you too, and
I do like the flowers, most especially the blue."
Sometimes, we just need a little reminder of what's important!
FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU
Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Thank you for all your prayers!
I have a disease called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. God used doctors to touch my arm and bring healing. The president of the RSD Association said it was a miracle the way I avoided the horrible complications of RSD. It has remained calm and resolved for the last 22 years. I am having major issues in my shoulder and had to have an MRI. I will know the results next Wednesday. If the shoulder is simply inflamed - no surgery will be necessary and that will keep the RSD out of the picture. If I have to surgery it could be very dangerous for the continued health of my arm and hand.
I've been taking it a little easy when it comes to writing. I'm trying not to use that arm as much. It's doing a bit better so I'm encouraged....and....of course, God can do anything.
Thank you for your patience with the class. I am working ever so one-handedly slow at preparing the rest of the sessions. I'll upload them as soon as possible.
Please pray with me that God will provide his wonderful healing and that my writing can get back to normal.
Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie
I've been taking it a little easy when it comes to writing. I'm trying not to use that arm as much. It's doing a bit better so I'm encouraged....and....of course, God can do anything.
Thank you for your patience with the class. I am working ever so one-handedly slow at preparing the rest of the sessions. I'll upload them as soon as possible.
Please pray with me that God will provide his wonderful healing and that my writing can get back to normal.
Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Principles of Parenting - class 4
Why do so many children get crazy in pre-teen and teen years? Why does it seem that the odds are against us? There are still a few families around that produce stable, healthy, smart children who carry on the lifestyles of their parents. What makes the difference? Even in liberal homes there are a few children who seem to love their parents. Likewise there are children in very strict homes that seem to be happy. How can you tell if you are doing it right?
It's all about the mental slant of your parenting. What?
If you decide that you want to set up a strict list of house rules that your child must obey - you are probably assuming that your child will stay out of trouble and be a model child. But....like I said in the last class. This can be disastrous and your child may run screaming from your house. He may reject all of your ideas, go out on his own and strive to be as opposite as possible. Then again, he may withdraw into a make believe world where on the outside he is a compliant sweet person. Unfortunately, on the inside he is full of pain, sorrow, frustrations - possibly anger and can never reach his full potential in life because of his hangups.
The key to being sure that your child respects you and your ideas means you can't be concerned with the outside.
If a child is demanded to keep rules without understanding why those rules are in place, without accepting and questioning their purpose - then the moment he leaves the parent, he will do what he wants and not observe the rule. After all, he doesn't believe in it and sees it as a frustration and nonsense.
For example.....how many children have you known that have rules at home - and they follow them --but once they leave the house, they are totally different. They not only break the rules - they shatter them.
Have you ever asked yourself why? Why would they obey the rules at home and then break them once they leave home? Most parents have been conditioned by progressive psychologist to believe that children just can't help themselves. They can't possibly control their own bodies or actions and therefore when they leave their controlling parents they will naturally break the rules.
DON'T BELIEVE THAT LIE!
The reason children don't follow the rules while away from their parents presence is because - THEY DON'T BELIEVE YOU TOLD THEM THE TRUTH! All their friends are telling them otherwise. Since you haven't been truthful about other things - they are sure you aren't being truthful about this rule.
AGAIN....the challenge is yours. You have three main goals to accomplish.
1. You must capture your child's heart. You must be close to him, be concerned about his problems, his needs. He must be number one in your life. You must take whatever time is necessary to assure him that you will be there to help him with whatever problem he has. You must bond. Be fun, be caring, be loving, be strong, be decisive, be the leader, be knowledgeable, be trustworthy, be honest. You must build a relationship that elevates you to be respected enough to be your child's mentor.
2. You must explain everything. Not just what you would do - but why you do it. You must make him feel like you are two loving souls on a quest together. He must feel that it's not about you controlling him but rather about both of you finding out the truth together. If it's right for him to follow rules then you must follow them too - or face the consequences for not. Every decision must be based on what's right and on your goal to have the best life possible. It can never be based on what you personally like - but only on what you know to be true. YOU are the great debater and Your greatest goal is to "Convince" not force your child into following the rules. That doesn't mean you negotiate - or abdicate responsibility for deciding the rules to your child. Nor is a child in a position to negotiate a rule that's in place. (At least not without following the procedure for changing a rule) It simply means that you help your child understand and accept with his whole heart why that rule is in place.
The Key to good parenting and loving discipline is to be so convincing and to help your child so completely understand your rule that he will look at it and say, "Okay...I understand that. You're right. I see why that's stupid and I don't want to do that either." Of course He won't say that while he's a child - but you can tell when it's taking place. Once your child accepts that the rule is something he doesn't want in his own life - your work is done. Once he believes in the rule - it's his and he will follow it. As long as he's only doing it for you - he never owns it and the minute you walk away he will break the rule.
In other words - you must Parent from within. You are trying to capture the heart and beliefs of your child. You are trying to convince him to pick up your beliefs and lifestyle and make it his own choice.
3. You must be willing to see his side at all times. If you can only grasp your own side, he can't trust you. If you can't understand his pain, he can't respect you. You must have his respect in order to capture his heart. You will have to constantly research your own ideas and be sure you are asking for proper actions and that you can support those requests with proof. And you can't possess the truth unless your have looked at all sides of the problem. You must consider his side, his friend's side, your parent's side, God's side, your own feelings and yes...even society's side. Only after you've looked at the problem and investigated every inch can you say with authority - Here's the truth!
YOU WILL NEVER BE ALLOWED TO USE THE PARENT CUSS WORDS.... "BECAUSE I SAY SO!"
What does that mean anyway? Because I say so. What...now you are the only boss on the planet? I don't have a voice or a life? Am I your slave?
You will never be allowed to demand a ruling without providing proof. You will have to provide logical reasons to support each demand.
You must also search out and define every feeling you have. There may be times when you will have to stand before your child and admit that the feelings you are having are totally emotional and have no basis in fact. You may have to ask your child to understand you and to support you and to help you deal with the situation. But....if you do, if you open up as much as you hope your child will open up - you will build respect. You will prove to him that you are on a quest together - to find the best life possible!
Now that's powerful parenting!
Seeking his wisdom,
Debbie
Seeking His Wisdom, Debbie
NEWS ALERT !!!
Check back later this evening for Class 3 in our "Principles of Parenting" class.
For now....I have a huge NEWS ALERT !!!
Your job as parent just got harder. Today Harper Collins announced plans to release a new social app on the i-pad.
"The apps makes it possible for readers to share their highlighted text from a book on Twitter or Facebook, along with their comments, related photos and videos. Private groups can also be created for more of a book-club feel. The first book to become socialized in this manner will be the Bible (published by HarperCollins). In this way, the Bible could be illustrated with depictions from paintings and other art, as well as video clips from Biblical movies."Bible as a social book
This means that you will have to be very involved in "where" your child gets their information about God's word. You will also need to save all those old Bibles. One word change or a sentence that's dropped can totally change the meaning of the scriptures we've studied so carefully.
I'm thinking we need to start more scripture learning clubs in churches like "Bible Quiz teams". Our church promotes this and the teams actually compete across the state.
Knowing the intent and the actual scripture has saved me many times from getting in trouble. I pray tonight that you will consider Psalms 119 very carefully.
Verses 1-11 Blessed are they whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the LORD. Blessed are they who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart. They do nothing wrong; they walk in his ways. You have laid down precepts that are to be fully obeyed. Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees! Then I would not be put to shame when I consider all your commands. I will praise you with an upright heart as I learn your righteous laws. I will obey your decrees; do not utterly forsake me.
How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.
Make sure you help your child "Hide God's word in his heart that he might not sin against God!"
Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie
For now....I have a huge NEWS ALERT !!!
Your job as parent just got harder. Today Harper Collins announced plans to release a new social app on the i-pad.
"The apps makes it possible for readers to share their highlighted text from a book on Twitter or Facebook, along with their comments, related photos and videos. Private groups can also be created for more of a book-club feel. The first book to become socialized in this manner will be the Bible (published by HarperCollins). In this way, the Bible could be illustrated with depictions from paintings and other art, as well as video clips from Biblical movies."Bible as a social book
This means that you will have to be very involved in "where" your child gets their information about God's word. You will also need to save all those old Bibles. One word change or a sentence that's dropped can totally change the meaning of the scriptures we've studied so carefully.
I'm thinking we need to start more scripture learning clubs in churches like "Bible Quiz teams". Our church promotes this and the teams actually compete across the state.
Knowing the intent and the actual scripture has saved me many times from getting in trouble. I pray tonight that you will consider Psalms 119 very carefully.
Verses 1-11 Blessed are they whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the LORD. Blessed are they who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart. They do nothing wrong; they walk in his ways. You have laid down precepts that are to be fully obeyed. Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees! Then I would not be put to shame when I consider all your commands. I will praise you with an upright heart as I learn your righteous laws. I will obey your decrees; do not utterly forsake me.
How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.
Make sure you help your child "Hide God's word in his heart that he might not sin against God!"
Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie
Monday, January 24, 2011
Principles of Parenting - Class 3
Have you thought about what kind of home you want for your children?
The reason that's important is because children are little sponges. Often parents don't understand that once they have a child, they become a reality show.
What?
Yep....a reality show. Maybe you should take a large poster board and make a movie poster of your own. Label it
"The Johnsons - The real story!"
Maybe you don't see the cameras running, but they are. Every word, every action and even every "intended" action becomes part of the reality show.
Children are amazing "truth serum" individuals. They can see your motives quicker than anyone on earth. They know the truth. You can't fool them. Only dogs are better at being that intuitive.
I've counseled with a lot of parents who insist that their home is free from arguments or stress. "I just don't know where little Johnny gets it. Me and my husband always talk soft to him and we try to provide a home that's peaceful." It doesn't take long talking to a child to find out that even with the door closed, junior hears or knows that mom and dad are arguing. And just saying those cuss words under your breath doesn't mean your child won't pick up on them. He also sees the dagger looks, sees the fist that's clinched or the jaw that's tight. He's in the bathroom when you call a friend and vent your frustrations about your husband. He wonders what's really going on when you say you love him but a hug is given but you're not really into it. And....probably the most important - he sees the lack of true loving touches between the two of you. He doesn't feel safe about your relationship and he begins to react the exact same way you are acting. Hum...
I counseled with a young mother who was very kind to her child. She was loving and involved with his life. She would sit for hours after work and read to him, help him do puzzles and worked with him on his reading. Yet, her child was afraid of everything. She came to me because her husband thought perhaps she was being "too" involved. Instead we found out that anytime Mom was faced with a stressful situation she became dramatic. Every problem was the worst. Every situation was bad and there were no answers that would ever solve it. She was so dramatic, she could have auditioned for any show and got the part. So....naturally....anytime her son faced a scary situation it didn't matter how soft or reassuring she talked. She responded dramatically - usually running from confrontation. Naturally he did the same.
Children are born with a natural desire to be "just like you". They are copy cats. They look for ways to copy what you are doing and to respond exactly like you do. They want to be like "mommy". "I'm Daddy's little man."
That feeling continues until.....we've taught them that being you is a bad thing. That's when the real challenge begins and they begin to look to others for guidance.
How do you teach your children to think differently about you? Through disappointment, embarrassment, lying, cheating, being dishonest, cutting others down in their presence and more devastating....anytime you destroy their self-esteem.
So then......it is vitally important that you get your plan, your design, your head in line with what kind of life you want your children to have. By doing that you are making your parenting a lot easier.
So....let's make a plan. We need to begin with a huge question.....
What is your true purpose as a parent?
If you feel that you want complete and total control over your child and that you are not really concerned about your child having his own thoughts, being independent or learning to function on his own - then parenting for you will be simple yet exhausting.
In this form of parenting you will need to make all the rules and never budge on any demand. You can never let the child have a say in anything he does. Make them check with you on every decision and insist that they be an extension of your beliefs, wants and desires. The end result however, will be a child who either becomes an unstable wallflower unable to function without help in the adult world or they will break out like a fire engine as soon as possible and furiously try every crazy thing possible - as quickly as possible. They will break your heart and interrupt what happiness you thought you had in your home.
Wait just a minute Debbie! Aren't you contradicting yourself? You just said we should have a plan and that kids want to be like us. Now you're saying that they will rebel against that.
No...they aren't rebelling against you....they still want your approval and to be like you. They rebel against not having a life. It's all about you feeling like you have to have total control. You can never do that to anyone. That's called slavery and it will always end badly.
So...let's try another plan. If you feel that your true purpose as a parent is to make sure your child experiences everything, has no conflict, is protected from all danger and strife and is given all the things that you never were allowed to have, parenting will be confusing but simple. You can sit back and watch your child. You can choose to never give advice, guidance, or influence at all. You want to be his friend and are hoping by this that he will thank you for the good times and love you dearly.
Unfortunately this type of child will be mean, irritable, always in trouble and blaming everyone else for his woes. At some point he will turn to you and blame you because he has few friends and life has not been good to him. He will not be able to withstand pressure or problems in life and will break your heart with his anger and inability to function.
I could go on and on with different forms of parenting and how they don't work. But let me skip to the answer.
Your true purpose is to give that child as much information as possible on either side of any issue so that he or she can make tough decision on their own. You must teach them to be strong, diligent in their search for truth and able to tell which lifestyle is going to give them the most pleasure for all of life - not just for the moment. That will require you to be kind when you discuss the "good side" or what their friends would say of (alcohol) or sex or whatever you disagree with.
Just how would you do that??? Example, "I bet your friends tell you that sex as a teenager is wonderful. You know what? I does feel that way for about an hour or so. Unfortunately, the aftermath is much worse and just doesn't make those few minutes of fun worth it." Then you go on to discuss all the problems with teen sex or sex before marriage. That's being honest and prevents you from losing their respect.
The key is to be such a wonderful model and to represent the issue so thoroughly that the child will naturally, on his own, choose the right decision. Your child must be able to trust you, to know that he will always receive an honest answer from you.
Everything you do from the first day you bring him home until he is packing up and leaving your house should have one purpose..... "How will this action help or hurt his life and how can I give him the information and training to help him see the right or wrong in what he's doing. How can I help him want to change his life for the better?"
You see, you must help your child become an adult by learning how to make proper decisions and how to interpret information. If you don't do that, then he is forever going to have to rely on someone else to tell him what to do and there by you open him up to being led by peers. It's only if you equip him to understand his world and process the information around him that you truly set him free.
I feel sorry for those parents who whine when their child gets in trouble. He was caught destroying property, tearing off good wallpaper, writing on desks, etc.... "It's not my fault. He was just influenced by peers. It's your fault for not teaching the other students to behave."
Back up the truck dear. Your responsibility to train your child has not been transferred to anyone else. We must accept responsibility for our children and we must do our job as parents to the best of our ability.
And guess what....we can do it! We can raise responsible loving children!
What's your plan? What do you want to accomplish with your children?
Seeking his wisdom,
Debbie
The reason that's important is because children are little sponges. Often parents don't understand that once they have a child, they become a reality show.What?
Yep....a reality show. Maybe you should take a large poster board and make a movie poster of your own. Label it
"The Johnsons - The real story!"
Maybe you don't see the cameras running, but they are. Every word, every action and even every "intended" action becomes part of the reality show.
Children are amazing "truth serum" individuals. They can see your motives quicker than anyone on earth. They know the truth. You can't fool them. Only dogs are better at being that intuitive.
I've counseled with a lot of parents who insist that their home is free from arguments or stress. "I just don't know where little Johnny gets it. Me and my husband always talk soft to him and we try to provide a home that's peaceful." It doesn't take long talking to a child to find out that even with the door closed, junior hears or knows that mom and dad are arguing. And just saying those cuss words under your breath doesn't mean your child won't pick up on them. He also sees the dagger looks, sees the fist that's clinched or the jaw that's tight. He's in the bathroom when you call a friend and vent your frustrations about your husband. He wonders what's really going on when you say you love him but a hug is given but you're not really into it. And....probably the most important - he sees the lack of true loving touches between the two of you. He doesn't feel safe about your relationship and he begins to react the exact same way you are acting. Hum...
I counseled with a young mother who was very kind to her child. She was loving and involved with his life. She would sit for hours after work and read to him, help him do puzzles and worked with him on his reading. Yet, her child was afraid of everything. She came to me because her husband thought perhaps she was being "too" involved. Instead we found out that anytime Mom was faced with a stressful situation she became dramatic. Every problem was the worst. Every situation was bad and there were no answers that would ever solve it. She was so dramatic, she could have auditioned for any show and got the part. So....naturally....anytime her son faced a scary situation it didn't matter how soft or reassuring she talked. She responded dramatically - usually running from confrontation. Naturally he did the same.
Children are born with a natural desire to be "just like you". They are copy cats. They look for ways to copy what you are doing and to respond exactly like you do. They want to be like "mommy". "I'm Daddy's little man."
That feeling continues until.....we've taught them that being you is a bad thing. That's when the real challenge begins and they begin to look to others for guidance.
How do you teach your children to think differently about you? Through disappointment, embarrassment, lying, cheating, being dishonest, cutting others down in their presence and more devastating....anytime you destroy their self-esteem.
So then......it is vitally important that you get your plan, your design, your head in line with what kind of life you want your children to have. By doing that you are making your parenting a lot easier.
So....let's make a plan. We need to begin with a huge question.....
What is your true purpose as a parent?
If you feel that you want complete and total control over your child and that you are not really concerned about your child having his own thoughts, being independent or learning to function on his own - then parenting for you will be simple yet exhausting.
In this form of parenting you will need to make all the rules and never budge on any demand. You can never let the child have a say in anything he does. Make them check with you on every decision and insist that they be an extension of your beliefs, wants and desires. The end result however, will be a child who either becomes an unstable wallflower unable to function without help in the adult world or they will break out like a fire engine as soon as possible and furiously try every crazy thing possible - as quickly as possible. They will break your heart and interrupt what happiness you thought you had in your home.
Wait just a minute Debbie! Aren't you contradicting yourself? You just said we should have a plan and that kids want to be like us. Now you're saying that they will rebel against that.
No...they aren't rebelling against you....they still want your approval and to be like you. They rebel against not having a life. It's all about you feeling like you have to have total control. You can never do that to anyone. That's called slavery and it will always end badly.
So...let's try another plan. If you feel that your true purpose as a parent is to make sure your child experiences everything, has no conflict, is protected from all danger and strife and is given all the things that you never were allowed to have, parenting will be confusing but simple. You can sit back and watch your child. You can choose to never give advice, guidance, or influence at all. You want to be his friend and are hoping by this that he will thank you for the good times and love you dearly.
Unfortunately this type of child will be mean, irritable, always in trouble and blaming everyone else for his woes. At some point he will turn to you and blame you because he has few friends and life has not been good to him. He will not be able to withstand pressure or problems in life and will break your heart with his anger and inability to function.
I could go on and on with different forms of parenting and how they don't work. But let me skip to the answer.
Your true purpose is to give that child as much information as possible on either side of any issue so that he or she can make tough decision on their own. You must teach them to be strong, diligent in their search for truth and able to tell which lifestyle is going to give them the most pleasure for all of life - not just for the moment. That will require you to be kind when you discuss the "good side" or what their friends would say of (alcohol) or sex or whatever you disagree with.
Just how would you do that??? Example, "I bet your friends tell you that sex as a teenager is wonderful. You know what? I does feel that way for about an hour or so. Unfortunately, the aftermath is much worse and just doesn't make those few minutes of fun worth it." Then you go on to discuss all the problems with teen sex or sex before marriage. That's being honest and prevents you from losing their respect.
The key is to be such a wonderful model and to represent the issue so thoroughly that the child will naturally, on his own, choose the right decision. Your child must be able to trust you, to know that he will always receive an honest answer from you.
Everything you do from the first day you bring him home until he is packing up and leaving your house should have one purpose..... "How will this action help or hurt his life and how can I give him the information and training to help him see the right or wrong in what he's doing. How can I help him want to change his life for the better?"
You see, you must help your child become an adult by learning how to make proper decisions and how to interpret information. If you don't do that, then he is forever going to have to rely on someone else to tell him what to do and there by you open him up to being led by peers. It's only if you equip him to understand his world and process the information around him that you truly set him free.
I feel sorry for those parents who whine when their child gets in trouble. He was caught destroying property, tearing off good wallpaper, writing on desks, etc.... "It's not my fault. He was just influenced by peers. It's your fault for not teaching the other students to behave."
Back up the truck dear. Your responsibility to train your child has not been transferred to anyone else. We must accept responsibility for our children and we must do our job as parents to the best of our ability.
And guess what....we can do it! We can raise responsible loving children!
What's your plan? What do you want to accomplish with your children?
Seeking his wisdom,
Debbie
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