The reason that's important is because children are little sponges. Often parents don't understand that once they have a child, they become a reality show.What?
Yep....a reality show. Maybe you should take a large poster board and make a movie poster of your own. Label it
"The Johnsons - The real story!"
Maybe you don't see the cameras running, but they are. Every word, every action and even every "intended" action becomes part of the reality show.
Children are amazing "truth serum" individuals. They can see your motives quicker than anyone on earth. They know the truth. You can't fool them. Only dogs are better at being that intuitive.
I've counseled with a lot of parents who insist that their home is free from arguments or stress. "I just don't know where little Johnny gets it. Me and my husband always talk soft to him and we try to provide a home that's peaceful." It doesn't take long talking to a child to find out that even with the door closed, junior hears or knows that mom and dad are arguing. And just saying those cuss words under your breath doesn't mean your child won't pick up on them. He also sees the dagger looks, sees the fist that's clinched or the jaw that's tight. He's in the bathroom when you call a friend and vent your frustrations about your husband. He wonders what's really going on when you say you love him but a hug is given but you're not really into it. And....probably the most important - he sees the lack of true loving touches between the two of you. He doesn't feel safe about your relationship and he begins to react the exact same way you are acting. Hum...
I counseled with a young mother who was very kind to her child. She was loving and involved with his life. She would sit for hours after work and read to him, help him do puzzles and worked with him on his reading. Yet, her child was afraid of everything. She came to me because her husband thought perhaps she was being "too" involved. Instead we found out that anytime Mom was faced with a stressful situation she became dramatic. Every problem was the worst. Every situation was bad and there were no answers that would ever solve it. She was so dramatic, she could have auditioned for any show and got the part. So....naturally....anytime her son faced a scary situation it didn't matter how soft or reassuring she talked. She responded dramatically - usually running from confrontation. Naturally he did the same.
Children are born with a natural desire to be "just like you". They are copy cats. They look for ways to copy what you are doing and to respond exactly like you do. They want to be like "mommy". "I'm Daddy's little man."
That feeling continues until.....we've taught them that being you is a bad thing. That's when the real challenge begins and they begin to look to others for guidance.
How do you teach your children to think differently about you? Through disappointment, embarrassment, lying, cheating, being dishonest, cutting others down in their presence and more devastating....anytime you destroy their self-esteem.
So then......it is vitally important that you get your plan, your design, your head in line with what kind of life you want your children to have. By doing that you are making your parenting a lot easier.
So....let's make a plan. We need to begin with a huge question.....
What is your true purpose as a parent?
If you feel that you want complete and total control over your child and that you are not really concerned about your child having his own thoughts, being independent or learning to function on his own - then parenting for you will be simple yet exhausting.
In this form of parenting you will need to make all the rules and never budge on any demand. You can never let the child have a say in anything he does. Make them check with you on every decision and insist that they be an extension of your beliefs, wants and desires. The end result however, will be a child who either becomes an unstable wallflower unable to function without help in the adult world or they will break out like a fire engine as soon as possible and furiously try every crazy thing possible - as quickly as possible. They will break your heart and interrupt what happiness you thought you had in your home.
Wait just a minute Debbie! Aren't you contradicting yourself? You just said we should have a plan and that kids want to be like us. Now you're saying that they will rebel against that.
No...they aren't rebelling against you....they still want your approval and to be like you. They rebel against not having a life. It's all about you feeling like you have to have total control. You can never do that to anyone. That's called slavery and it will always end badly.
So...let's try another plan. If you feel that your true purpose as a parent is to make sure your child experiences everything, has no conflict, is protected from all danger and strife and is given all the things that you never were allowed to have, parenting will be confusing but simple. You can sit back and watch your child. You can choose to never give advice, guidance, or influence at all. You want to be his friend and are hoping by this that he will thank you for the good times and love you dearly.
Unfortunately this type of child will be mean, irritable, always in trouble and blaming everyone else for his woes. At some point he will turn to you and blame you because he has few friends and life has not been good to him. He will not be able to withstand pressure or problems in life and will break your heart with his anger and inability to function.
I could go on and on with different forms of parenting and how they don't work. But let me skip to the answer.
Your true purpose is to give that child as much information as possible on either side of any issue so that he or she can make tough decision on their own. You must teach them to be strong, diligent in their search for truth and able to tell which lifestyle is going to give them the most pleasure for all of life - not just for the moment. That will require you to be kind when you discuss the "good side" or what their friends would say of (alcohol) or sex or whatever you disagree with.
Just how would you do that??? Example, "I bet your friends tell you that sex as a teenager is wonderful. You know what? I does feel that way for about an hour or so. Unfortunately, the aftermath is much worse and just doesn't make those few minutes of fun worth it." Then you go on to discuss all the problems with teen sex or sex before marriage. That's being honest and prevents you from losing their respect.
The key is to be such a wonderful model and to represent the issue so thoroughly that the child will naturally, on his own, choose the right decision. Your child must be able to trust you, to know that he will always receive an honest answer from you.
Everything you do from the first day you bring him home until he is packing up and leaving your house should have one purpose..... "How will this action help or hurt his life and how can I give him the information and training to help him see the right or wrong in what he's doing. How can I help him want to change his life for the better?"
You see, you must help your child become an adult by learning how to make proper decisions and how to interpret information. If you don't do that, then he is forever going to have to rely on someone else to tell him what to do and there by you open him up to being led by peers. It's only if you equip him to understand his world and process the information around him that you truly set him free.
I feel sorry for those parents who whine when their child gets in trouble. He was caught destroying property, tearing off good wallpaper, writing on desks, etc.... "It's not my fault. He was just influenced by peers. It's your fault for not teaching the other students to behave."
Back up the truck dear. Your responsibility to train your child has not been transferred to anyone else. We must accept responsibility for our children and we must do our job as parents to the best of our ability.
And guess what....we can do it! We can raise responsible loving children!
What's your plan? What do you want to accomplish with your children?
Seeking his wisdom,
Debbie
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