Why do so many children get crazy in pre-teen and teen years? Why does it seem that the odds are against us? There are still a few families around that produce stable, healthy, smart children who carry on the lifestyles of their parents. What makes the difference? Even in liberal homes there are a few children who seem to love their parents. Likewise there are children in very strict homes that seem to be happy. How can you tell if you are doing it right?
It's all about the mental slant of your parenting. What?
If you decide that you want to set up a strict list of house rules that your child must obey - you are probably assuming that your child will stay out of trouble and be a model child. But....like I said in the last class. This can be disastrous and your child may run screaming from your house. He may reject all of your ideas, go out on his own and strive to be as opposite as possible. Then again, he may withdraw into a make believe world where on the outside he is a compliant sweet person. Unfortunately, on the inside he is full of pain, sorrow, frustrations - possibly anger and can never reach his full potential in life because of his hangups.
The key to being sure that your child respects you and your ideas means you can't be concerned with the outside.
If a child is demanded to keep rules without understanding why those rules are in place, without accepting and questioning their purpose - then the moment he leaves the parent, he will do what he wants and not observe the rule. After all, he doesn't believe in it and sees it as a frustration and nonsense.
For example.....how many children have you known that have rules at home - and they follow them --but once they leave the house, they are totally different. They not only break the rules - they shatter them.
Have you ever asked yourself why? Why would they obey the rules at home and then break them once they leave home? Most parents have been conditioned by progressive psychologist to believe that children just can't help themselves. They can't possibly control their own bodies or actions and therefore when they leave their controlling parents they will naturally break the rules.
DON'T BELIEVE THAT LIE!
The reason children don't follow the rules while away from their parents presence is because - THEY DON'T BELIEVE YOU TOLD THEM THE TRUTH! All their friends are telling them otherwise. Since you haven't been truthful about other things - they are sure you aren't being truthful about this rule.
AGAIN....the challenge is yours. You have three main goals to accomplish.
1. You must capture your child's heart. You must be close to him, be concerned about his problems, his needs. He must be number one in your life. You must take whatever time is necessary to assure him that you will be there to help him with whatever problem he has. You must bond. Be fun, be caring, be loving, be strong, be decisive, be the leader, be knowledgeable, be trustworthy, be honest. You must build a relationship that elevates you to be respected enough to be your child's mentor.
2. You must explain everything. Not just what you would do - but why you do it. You must make him feel like you are two loving souls on a quest together. He must feel that it's not about you controlling him but rather about both of you finding out the truth together. If it's right for him to follow rules then you must follow them too - or face the consequences for not. Every decision must be based on what's right and on your goal to have the best life possible. It can never be based on what you personally like - but only on what you know to be true. YOU are the great debater and Your greatest goal is to "Convince" not force your child into following the rules. That doesn't mean you negotiate - or abdicate responsibility for deciding the rules to your child. Nor is a child in a position to negotiate a rule that's in place. (At least not without following the procedure for changing a rule) It simply means that you help your child understand and accept with his whole heart why that rule is in place.
The Key to good parenting and loving discipline is to be so convincing and to help your child so completely understand your rule that he will look at it and say, "Okay...I understand that. You're right. I see why that's stupid and I don't want to do that either." Of course He won't say that while he's a child - but you can tell when it's taking place. Once your child accepts that the rule is something he doesn't want in his own life - your work is done. Once he believes in the rule - it's his and he will follow it. As long as he's only doing it for you - he never owns it and the minute you walk away he will break the rule.
In other words - you must Parent from within. You are trying to capture the heart and beliefs of your child. You are trying to convince him to pick up your beliefs and lifestyle and make it his own choice.
3. You must be willing to see his side at all times. If you can only grasp your own side, he can't trust you. If you can't understand his pain, he can't respect you. You must have his respect in order to capture his heart. You will have to constantly research your own ideas and be sure you are asking for proper actions and that you can support those requests with proof. And you can't possess the truth unless your have looked at all sides of the problem. You must consider his side, his friend's side, your parent's side, God's side, your own feelings and yes...even society's side. Only after you've looked at the problem and investigated every inch can you say with authority - Here's the truth!
YOU WILL NEVER BE ALLOWED TO USE THE PARENT CUSS WORDS.... "BECAUSE I SAY SO!"
What does that mean anyway? Because I say so. What...now you are the only boss on the planet? I don't have a voice or a life? Am I your slave?
You will never be allowed to demand a ruling without providing proof. You will have to provide logical reasons to support each demand.
You must also search out and define every feeling you have. There may be times when you will have to stand before your child and admit that the feelings you are having are totally emotional and have no basis in fact. You may have to ask your child to understand you and to support you and to help you deal with the situation. But....if you do, if you open up as much as you hope your child will open up - you will build respect. You will prove to him that you are on a quest together - to find the best life possible!
Now that's powerful parenting!
Seeking his wisdom,
Debbie
Seeking His Wisdom, Debbie
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