Precious Pointer #9 - Don't waffle

Don't waffle and confuse your child.  Mean what you say.  It’s difficult to follow a waffling leader.  Life is confusing enough, don’t make it worse by waffling on rules or family values.  Do your research.  Make sure you are right and apply compassion when needed. 

It is possible to be strong about rules or opinions that you feel are right and still have a process for changing the rules when new information makes it necessary.  For example, the rule may be that eating in bedrooms can't be tolerated because of an insect problem.  But...if the child is sick for a long period of time and can't leave his room - of course the rule must be broken. 

Most children can understand "exceptions" to a rule as long as they know you can be trusted to make the rule fair to everyone at all times.  You may have to do a little more training or a little more explaining....but they will understand if it's presented right.

If you make sure they understand when and how exceptions will be used, you can stick to the demands you have made.  Being a parent that sticks to the rules is not about being mean – it is about showing your child that you can be trusted.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Look in your heart....you'll know...

Be sure and click over to Kyria.com and read my newest article, Does Faith Hide Marital Abuse? 

My last post was about bullies.  Several people were concerned when I said that bullies were parent made.  So much media attention has been placed on a bully's actions rather than on the origin of learning.  We must find the initial cause in order to combat the problem.  Otherwise we are forever dealing with topical symptoms. 

This morning on Fox, one of the contributing judges was talking about a case in Detroit.  You can read about it on Fox News  It's about a little girl who is dying with Huntington's disease.  Apparently she had a birthday party a couple of years ago and didn't invite a neighbor to the party.  The mother was so enraged that she began a cyber bully campaign against the deceased mother (who had died from the same disease) and the living child.  The bullying included driving past the house with a coffin on a trailer, signs of crossbones over the little girl and an interview with reporters where the neighbor said she received great satisfaction from bullying these dying people. 

The judge was commenting on the fact that the DA is currently investigating the possibility of a crime and protective services has taken the bullies two children out of their home.  Good thing!  She's not only seriously disturbed....but her children were learning how to bully and torment others.  All for the sake of an invitation to a party.  Hum...I wouldn't have invited her either.

The judge was really hot under the collar about this one.  I watched as she ranted and raved about how awful this was.  I smiled and thought to myself, "See there.  Most people know where bullies come from, they are just afraid to say it."  That's the way most parenting information is perceived.  We know that parents are responsible for their children, but that doesn't make people feel good.  News media doesn't want to seem like they are preaching.  They don't want anyone to feel bad about their parenting skills.  So we rock along allowing parents to make bad decisions until we are finally faced with a horrible incident like this one. 

The real deal is this.  Look in your heart.  Listen to your children and the people around you.  If it feels wrong or angry or abusive - it probably is.  So stop it!  I've always liked to use the scripture Phillipians 4:8-9
It's great parenting advice!

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.(Debbie's paraphrase - "Parent on these things")  Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

Children watch everything we do.  If you do it....so will your children.  If you want to have great children who turn into terrific adults - do everything you can to draw a path to greatness.  Your children may surpass you and do even greater things than you have done....but it will probably be walking the same path you walk.  You can do it!  You can give your child a better life.  Set the example high and you'll never regret it!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Bullies - causes and cures

News stations were busy this morning trying to discuss new ways to eliminate bullies in school settings.  Of course they had it wrong.  They want to once again take away your parent's rights and take over the protection and moral training of your child.  Like all the rules about weapons - your child will probably be labeled a bully for praying while the real bully beats up a friend behind the school. As usual the ideas they discussed will not solve the problem and will instead mean more restrictions on you and your child. There are a few things you must know before we begin the conversation.

1.  Bullies are parent made.  They do not just evolve from thin air, chemicals or personality types.  Bullies are a psychological response to the bully child's environment.  And....if it's not handled, the bully child will grow up to be the bully adult.

2.  Children can not change their bully tendencies.  Childhood bullies are changed by the adults that surround them.

3.  Bullies can't be legislated.  You can't get bullies to stop bullying just because you have some new rule or demand some new program.  They draw strength from being singled out and punished.  Bullies are independently made and must be independently reversed.  Yes, bullies need instruction, counseling and help in order to reform, but it is highly unlikely if not impossible for total reform to take place without adult supervision and one on one training.

4.  Being a bully is a response to some deep psychological trauma or frustration that has never been addressed.  If you only treat the symptom (which most school legislation does) the bully will only find a new form to use.  He will not reform from within.

So.....Parents beware......Do not turn the answer for bully reform over to the school - it won't work and it may hamper your parenting style.

How does a Bully get to be a bully?

1.  There is no parenting supervision in the home.  When children are left to fend for themselves one of two things will happen.  They will either become a victim and shrink from the world or they will develop bully tendencies.  It's a child's way to try to have some control over his life before he's ready.  He knows there's a void because the leader (adult) is missing.  To compensate for the fear he feels, he decides to take over his world.  That means he has to assume the "leader" role.  He's usually not prepared or ready for that so his attempt at leadership turns into dominance and a demand that everyone "do what I say".  When other children are not the same as he is or when they have different opinions or lifestyles, he feels it's an attack on his leadership and therefore he must use abuse or embarrassment to be sure they can't ever take over his role.

2.  The parent or home is void of any instruction about compassion or demands to care for others.  When a child is born he lives for over six months with only one goal in mind - self-preservation.  His only thought is to satisfy his own needs for food, stimulation, sleep and interaction.  It is part of the parent's job for the next 18 years to show him how to be compassionate and care for others.

3.  If this "void" of compassion is not trained gradually - the stark difference between self-gratification and compassion can produce rebellion.  To prevent rebellion and a miscommunication about compassion and proper forms of love - the parent must diligently provide proper discipline.  If the parent does not provide the tools for discipline, the child will not be able to fully understand or implement the tools for compassion.

4.  When parents both work full time and do not "make" time to discipline and train on the merits of compassion for others - the child will become either a victim or a bully.

5.  Most of the time children are bullies because mom and dad are bullies.  Anytime you insist that someone else does what you want without considering their feelings - YOU are a bully.  And....because we all know that children watch every move we make - when dad yells and bullies mom, junior learns how to bully.

6.  Parents allow siblings to fight and refuse to help them be compassionate.  Allowing siblings to call each other names or to "enjoy" when their sibling is hurting is not only bad parenting but it eliminates the perfect place to practice compassion.  To require junior to take a food tray to sick sister not only develops kindness and understanding - it promotes love and understanding.  And when junior is sick he will see what an impact that kindness makes in his life when sister is kind to him. 

While the news media is all upset and ready to stomp down a bunch of rules....they are forgetting that the real problem isn't the "one" victim or even multiple victims that have their feelings hurt or endures such intense abuse that they do something stupid.  We must not forget them and yes we should protect them.....but they are not the real problem.  The real problem is the sea of children that are being taught on a daily basis that lack of compassion, lack of manners, lack of intelligence and a bully type personality is okay and in fact is this generations sign of "leadership" and strength.

What?  Think about the reality shows that children watch.  Young people and teens exploding with anger and demands.  Calling a parent or person of authority a crude and horrible name is not only okay but desired.  Using gutter language is the norm.  Last week there was a news report that kindergartners are now using trashy language.  Just where did they learn it?  When moms stopped being shocked at bad language and stopped washing mouths out with soap, children started using it on a regular basis.  Bad language carries an "angry tone" with it.  Anger tendencies go along with lack of discipline and bully tendencies. 

When children are allowed to watch trash on TV that not only shows but also promotes angry delinquent behavior, children will assume that this is the norm.  Parents should provide guidance by saying, "That's a horrible way to act and I wouldn't have any respect for that kind of person. I would avoid that kind of person and would not be their friend.  I refuse to watch bad delinquent behavior." - then good parent - Turn the show off!

That's what our children's great-grandparents would have done.  So why aren't we doing that?  Why don't we promote better parenting, demand that parents of bullies suffer the consequences until they get their child in line and provide children with training on manners and compassion?  That would be attacking the source of the problem rather than the symptom.

So what are you saying Debbie?

I'm saying that when there are bullies in a school....it's Mom and Dad's fault.  The best solution would begin with punishing the parents not the children.  If your child bullies someone, you will have to take a 2 hour  parenting class on discipline and compassion.  (And of course it needs to be a good class and not some progressive mumbo jumbo.)  If your child continues to bully - you will be sent to jail one night for every infraction.  Since there probably would be a lot of parents who need this type of stimulus - the school could be used for overnight incarcerations.  "Bring a sleeping bag and join the lock-up."

Now, I doubt that this would ever happen....but it would finally get parents busy trying to solve the problem of their own little bullies.  When bullies are retrained, there's no need for rules against bullies and everyone would be safe.  I wouldn't have to teach my "Christian" children that Lacy's gay parents are right in their beliefs.  My child would simply know that the polite thing is not to say anything publicly.  And Lacy would also know that she can't bully my child into her beliefs.  We don't need sensitivity training - we need good old fashioned manners!

Of course part of parenting is also training our children to know that "any" belief will come with it's own set of problems.  If you believe in God you will be called on to defend that belief.  And by the same token - if you don't believe in God, you will have to defend that belief.  Learning to seek out the truth so you will have the strength to stand up for it - is part of "maturity".  Hum....of course, parents will have to learn that one first.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Debbie isn't mad..

Contemporary psychology is like a horse with blinders on.  They decide that something doesn't make a child or an adult feel good, so they go after it with a vengeance - regardless of the consequences.  Their #1 priority is to soothe the feelings of the parent or to keep the child from ever dealing with consequences.  Unfortunately, that is leading us down a very destructive path.  Truth is the only answer to some of the major problems we have.

When it becomes necessary for me to tell parents the truth, I'm not mad at them.  I look at parents in the same way I would want someone to look at me.  If I don't have the facts that I need to make a "good" decision, I hope someone will step in and say...."Debbie, I think you need to reconsider this decision you are about to make.  There are facts you don't have."  And if I don't listen....I hope someone will up the rhetoric and let me know that they have important information for me.   I hope my friends and family will care about the unhealthy consequences I may face and will intervene with new information about my situation.

If I am so thin skinned that I won't listen to good advice and consider it before making a decision ---I DESERVE ANY CONSEQUENCES I MAY HAVE TO ENDURE !

On the other hand, whoever is trying to help me does not have the right to make the decision for me.  They don't have the right to take over.  That would be the definition of slavery.  Like the relationship I try to build with my children - my friends do have the right to try to convince me that the information they have is important to my decision.

THAT IS WHAT I TRY TO DO FOR YOU.   All my blogs as well as my writing has one goal - to give you the information you need to make a great decision for your life!  If my writing isn't doing that - it's worthless.

I am not angry when I talk about contemporary psychologist that produce incompetent information that will ultimately lead parents down the wrong road....I'm just letting you know how dangerous their philosophies are.

I am not angry when I talk about parents who spend more time researching which computer to buy than they do seeking out parenting information that might help their child.  I simply see a train wreck coming and I choose to yell a little louder to "get off the track!"

I'm not even angry when I recall stupid parents ideas that ruin a child's life.  Actually that makes me sad and depressed more than angry.  But....I do choose to become charismatic and energized so I can hopefully help other parents see that those philosophies produce disaster.

What I am committed to is making sure the finger of blame points at the right person.  If that is your child, fine.  If that's society, fine.  But if it's you....I'll point to you - the parent, grandparent, church, school, politician - whoever.  I want to find the person that has the power to change the situation and make him/her responsible.

Why am I telling you all this???

Because the stakes are getting higher and it's time for me to get a little louder about the problems.  I've tried to be as subdued as possible on all my blogs, but the consequences for families are heating up.  If parents don't pay attention to what is coming and make changes in their families - the future for our children will be unbearable. 

It's really hard to write "carefully" so no one's feelings are hurt.  Sometimes I avoid some subjects because I think, "Man....if I present this like I want to my readers will think I'm on a rampage."  Though I promise not to be on a rampage....I do not promise to soothe your feelings.  It's time we take a hard look at the consequences of bad parenting and make a commitment to be the parents God has called us to be.

I hope you are with me!

So.....get ready......Debbie isn't mad - just determined to make a difference!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

This is so true! Thanks Rodney Atkins!

Get out your kleenex and be prepared to get down on your knees!




Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Public school has been infected.....

Twenty years ago when I spoke to a group of young mothers, I encouraged them to keep their children in public schools.  I felt that it was a perfect place for children to "slowly" learn to speak up for their faith and to learn how to handle different opinions. At that time children who went to Christian schools or were home schooled had a difficult time accepting a harsh world once they left the bubble of protection.

I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND.  Public school has been infected with every stupid, anti-Christian, immoral and culturally damaging idea out there.  If you want to see the lowest denominator in our society - visit a public school.  There are many good teachers that are doing their best to combat the tidal wave of indoctrination (like my daughter) but I'm afraid there just aren't enough "strong willed" teachers to combat the coming destruction.

Not only am I concerned about the evil that's taught and the anti-Christian climate our children have to suffer through; I am disgusted by the lack of "intelligence" that we find in these schools.  When I was going to school, you admired the valedictorian.  It was a label of distinction.  Of course, not everyone could achieve it, but we all knew that he/she would go on to succeed in life.  Compare that to now when schools bend over backwards to elevate the dumbest person in the class.  I don't want some rap talking guy who doesn't have enough intelligence to buy the right size pants to graduate, get a job and show up at my house ready to install a water heater.  No way.  Take your baggy pants and stupid talk and get out of my house!

Why on earth would schools think they are helping society to produce dummies that not only don't know the history of this country but also don't have the intelligence to vote much less reproduce.

Can you tell I'm a little upset????

Take a look at this article on GOPUSA written by The Scribe...

OK City students to learn about 'old, dead white men'?

By The Scribe October 7, 2010 7:24 AM

I don't know about you but I'm getting really tired of hearing about the crazy ideas in what passes for education these days. Worse than hearing about it, our children are being subjected to these ideas in schools as though they were lab rats. Here's the latest version of it to cross my desk.

The Oklahoma City public school district is taking a second look at a plan to teach at-risk students using rap and hip-hop after receiving complaints over one lesson referring to the founding fathers as "old dead white men."

The program, known as Flocabulary, is an educational tool that uses rap and hip-hop music to help students learn and memorize basic principles of vocabulary, reading, writing, social studies, math and science. The district was authorized to spend $97,000 in federal funds on the program and has already spent $10,000, NewsOK.com reported.

Are you kidding me? Old Dead White Men??? Our Founders? Everyone in a position of authority in this school district should be fired immediately. Look at the lyrics of one of the Rap songs to be used in this program.

One particularly controversial song entitled "Old Dead White Men,"describes President James Monroe's presidential term by saying: "White men getting richer than Enron. They stepping on Indians, women and blacks. Era of Good Feeling doesn't come with the facts."

"Andrew Jackson thinks he's a tough guy. Killing more Indians than there are stars in the sky. Evil wars of Florida killing the Seminoles. Saying hello, putting Creek in the hell holes. Like Adolf Hitler he had the final solution. 'No, Indians, I don't want you to live here anymore."

Flocabulary CEO and co-founder Alex Rappaport says that the lyrics are meant to keep students engaged and promote discussion. According to the Flocabulary website, its programs are being used in more than 10,000 schools nationwide and are "proven to increase student motivation."

What?? Flocabulary?? What the heck is Flocabulary and why should American parents want their students to learn the hateful trash in that rap song?

The description on their website says, "Flocabulary is a small educational publishing company with a strong commitment to making a positive social impact."

Those lyrics didn't sound very positive to me. Beyond that, I think our children have had enough social impact. How about some good old fashioned instruction that will give them some English, math and science impact for a change? Rap isn't spoken in the real world where these students will be expected to earn their living.

If this really is in 10,000 schools across the nation it may well be in your child's school. What are you going to do about it?
Old Dead White Men   I encourage you to go to the original article and vote in their poll.

In this down economy very few of us have the money to put our child in a "safe" school.  We have to trust God to help our child survive the public school they attend. I believe it can be done.  I've had times of plenty and times of financial desperation.  I've learned that there are hundreds of ways to get the job done "without" money if you are willing to be creative and put in some extra work.  Here's a few tips for surviving public school.

1.  Find the time and a way to meet all your children's teachers, principle and staff.  It will be harder for them to go around you if you are on a first name basis.  Be pleasant and nice but let them know that you will be watching every paper that comes home and that you will be investigating the things that are taught.

2.  There's not much a teacher can do to mess up arithmetic.  But, it's important for you to be involved in the homework assignments and reading material for any class that could be used as social indoctrination.  For example, History can be used to teach socialistic values.  Health can be used to teach liberal views on homosexuality, marriage, dating, etc...  Science can be used to teach against most any Biblical teaching. 

Instead of watching TV, while your child is doing arithmetic - browse through his reading assignment in History.  While he works on Science, check over his homework for health. We must be diligent in protecting history.  Our children are often subjected to a socialist view of America.  Make a game of learning "truthful" history together.  (See end of post for several good books - also check out One Nation Under God posts on the Family Tracks blog)

Instead of telling your child that you are checking up on his school - make it a game.  Insist that you want to be as "Smart as a 5th grader".  Tell him it's easy to forget and you just want to brush up on your knowledge.  Encourage him/her to be the smartest kid in the class.  This will take some creative thinking to make it more appealing than giving in to the norm of being the most "popular" kid in class.  Insist that there is a way to do both!

3.  Once a week have a dinner to discuss current events and what the biblical perspective would be. 

4.  Make a game of discussing one biblical truth anytime you ride in the car.

5.  Have at least one short conversation per week about how a biblical character faced a cruel world and yet became stronger.  If parents could raise men and women in Bible times that could withstand the pressures of a fallen world - surely we can do that now!  (Be sure and purchase my new booklet, How to teach your faith to your child.)

6.  Be involved with their friends.  Don't let the enemy sneak into your home through your child's peers.

7.  Support your child's involvement in a good church.  Belonging and having friends at church will add to his/her strength.  It will also give them the strength to stand up for Christian values when they are attacked or made fun of at school.

8.  Make sure your child understands that if there are problems, you will be his protector.  Politely reassure your child's school that if there are problems in any area that you will stand up for your child. 

9.  Help your child - and the school - understand that there is only one reason your child is attending school....to learn facts and to know the basic principles of reading, writing, math and science.  He/she is not there to find friends, to be indoctrinated with unchristian principles, the teacher is not his parent or his mentor and you are not giving up your rights as parents.  They work for you - not the other way around.

10.  Pray everyday that God will surround your children with his love and protection.  Anoint their books and book bags and pray for God to make them strong. 

Your children can survive and be strong even in public school....you just have to provide a plan.  You can do it!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

You can find many more books on every founding father patriot at Amazon.com  Please support this blog by using my link to Amazon.  Thank you.