News stations were busy this morning trying to discuss new ways to eliminate bullies in school settings. Of course they had it wrong. They want to once again take away your parent's rights and take over the protection and moral training of your child. Like all the rules about weapons - your child will probably be labeled a bully for praying while the real bully beats up a friend behind the school. As usual the ideas they discussed will not solve the problem and will instead mean more restrictions on you and your child. There are a few things you must know before we begin the conversation.
1. Bullies are parent made. They do not just evolve from thin air, chemicals or personality types. Bullies are a psychological response to the bully child's environment. And....if it's not handled, the bully child will grow up to be the bully adult.
2. Children can not change their bully tendencies. Childhood bullies are changed by the adults that surround them.
3. Bullies can't be legislated. You can't get bullies to stop bullying just because you have some new rule or demand some new program. They draw strength from being singled out and punished. Bullies are independently made and must be independently reversed. Yes, bullies need instruction, counseling and help in order to reform, but it is highly unlikely if not impossible for total reform to take place without adult supervision and one on one training.
4. Being a bully is a response to some deep psychological trauma or frustration that has never been addressed. If you only treat the symptom (which most school legislation does) the bully will only find a new form to use. He will not reform from within.
So.....Parents beware......Do not turn the answer for bully reform over to the school - it won't work and it may hamper your parenting style.
How does a Bully get to be a bully?
1. There is no parenting supervision in the home. When children are left to fend for themselves one of two things will happen. They will either become a victim and shrink from the world or they will develop bully tendencies. It's a child's way to try to have some control over his life before he's ready. He knows there's a void because the leader (adult) is missing. To compensate for the fear he feels, he decides to take over his world. That means he has to assume the "leader" role. He's usually not prepared or ready for that so his attempt at leadership turns into dominance and a demand that everyone "do what I say". When other children are not the same as he is or when they have different opinions or lifestyles, he feels it's an attack on his leadership and therefore he must use abuse or embarrassment to be sure they can't ever take over his role.
2. The parent or home is void of any instruction about compassion or demands to care for others. When a child is born he lives for over six months with only one goal in mind - self-preservation. His only thought is to satisfy his own needs for food, stimulation, sleep and interaction. It is part of the parent's job for the next 18 years to show him how to be compassionate and care for others.
3. If this "void" of compassion is not trained gradually - the stark difference between self-gratification and compassion can produce rebellion. To prevent rebellion and a miscommunication about compassion and proper forms of love - the parent must diligently provide proper discipline. If the parent does not provide the tools for discipline, the child will not be able to fully understand or implement the tools for compassion.
4. When parents both work full time and do not "make" time to discipline and train on the merits of compassion for others - the child will become either a victim or a bully.
5. Most of the time children are bullies because mom and dad are bullies. Anytime you insist that someone else does what you want without considering their feelings - YOU are a bully. And....because we all know that children watch every move we make - when dad yells and bullies mom, junior learns how to bully.
6. Parents allow siblings to fight and refuse to help them be compassionate. Allowing siblings to call each other names or to "enjoy" when their sibling is hurting is not only bad parenting but it eliminates the perfect place to practice compassion. To require junior to take a food tray to sick sister not only develops kindness and understanding - it promotes love and understanding. And when junior is sick he will see what an impact that kindness makes in his life when sister is kind to him.
While the news media is all upset and ready to stomp down a bunch of rules....they are forgetting that the real problem isn't the "one" victim or even multiple victims that have their feelings hurt or endures such intense abuse that they do something stupid. We must not forget them and yes we should protect them.....but they are not the real problem. The real problem is the sea of children that are being taught on a daily basis that lack of compassion, lack of manners, lack of intelligence and a bully type personality is okay and in fact is this generations sign of "leadership" and strength.
What? Think about the reality shows that children watch. Young people and teens exploding with anger and demands. Calling a parent or person of authority a crude and horrible name is not only okay but desired. Using gutter language is the norm. Last week there was a news report that kindergartners are now using trashy language. Just where did they learn it? When moms stopped being shocked at bad language and stopped washing mouths out with soap, children started using it on a regular basis. Bad language carries an "angry tone" with it. Anger tendencies go along with lack of discipline and bully tendencies.
When children are allowed to watch trash on TV that not only shows but also promotes angry delinquent behavior, children will assume that this is the norm. Parents should provide guidance by saying, "That's a horrible way to act and I wouldn't have any respect for that kind of person. I would avoid that kind of person and would not be their friend. I refuse to watch bad delinquent behavior." - then good parent - Turn the show off!
That's what our children's great-grandparents would have done. So why aren't we doing that? Why don't we promote better parenting, demand that parents of bullies suffer the consequences until they get their child in line and provide children with training on manners and compassion? That would be attacking the source of the problem rather than the symptom.
So what are you saying Debbie?
I'm saying that when there are bullies in a school....it's Mom and Dad's fault. The best solution would begin with punishing the parents not the children. If your child bullies someone, you will have to take a 2 hour parenting class on discipline and compassion. (And of course it needs to be a good class and not some progressive mumbo jumbo.) If your child continues to bully - you will be sent to jail one night for every infraction. Since there probably would be a lot of parents who need this type of stimulus - the school could be used for overnight incarcerations. "Bring a sleeping bag and join the lock-up."
Now, I doubt that this would ever happen....but it would finally get parents busy trying to solve the problem of their own little bullies. When bullies are retrained, there's no need for rules against bullies and everyone would be safe. I wouldn't have to teach my "Christian" children that Lacy's gay parents are right in their beliefs. My child would simply know that the polite thing is not to say anything publicly. And Lacy would also know that she can't bully my child into her beliefs. We don't need sensitivity training - we need good old fashioned manners!
Of course part of parenting is also training our children to know that "any" belief will come with it's own set of problems. If you believe in God you will be called on to defend that belief. And by the same token - if you don't believe in God, you will have to defend that belief. Learning to seek out the truth so you will have the strength to stand up for it - is part of "maturity". Hum....of course, parents will have to learn that one first.
Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie
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