Child abuse destroys lives

On my Family Tracks blog I'm doing a series on abuse.  My first post was about the fact that abuse destroys lives.  I thought I would run the Children's version here.

All parents are very busy.  When you decide to bring a new life into the world - you are also deciding to double your work load.  For the next 18 years plus, you will put another human and their needs above your own.  You will be in construction mode to help give them the best home life you can provide.  You will share all your money, your possessions and as much time as you can to give them the start they need to be successful in life. 

But do you realize that while you are in the "providing" mode....you must also be in the "preventing" mode. 

Abuse will destroy your child's ability to function properly in his adult life. 

Physical abuse will send him/her one of two ways.  Either they will be filled with fear and guilt or they will fight like dogs in protection mode.  Physical abuse also strips all self-esteem and makes it extremely difficult to establish proper self-esteem later. 

Take note "strict" parents.  Even if you think you are only administering proper punishment - it can be "interpreted" by your child as physical abuse and create the same loss of self-esteem.  PLEASE I beg you....read my book on discipline and learn the proper way to discipline.  Discipline is extremely important and must be done properly or it will damage your child's life.

While physical abuse (punishment or molesting) can ruin a child's life - mental abuse often is even more damaging.

I heard one mother say, "I would never abuse my child.  I don't agree with physical punishment of any kind."  Later she brought her child to me for counseling.  The child was fearful, couldn't function socially and had no self-esteem.  It only took ten minutes for me to see the problem.  Mom announced in front of the child that she was lazy, a slob, stupid, fat and a complete disappointment.  She followed those daggers with, "But she's my child and I love her so much."  When she reached to hug her daughter, the young girl turned away.  The mother looked at me and complained.  "See...see what I have to put up with.  She's mean and a horrible child." 

It's been proven that it will take 10 loving compliments to cross out one negative statement!

That means that if you are dishing out negative statements all day long followed by one hug and kiss at night - you are failing your child.  Your child will see his home as a negative place to be.  No wonder they turn on us when they are teens.

I have a challenge for you today.  Get a pen and paper and for the next week keep a record of every statement you say to your husband and to your children.  Make four columns.  Label those four columns  Name....Date......Positive......Negative.  Every time you make a comment to that person record the date and if it was positive or negative.  At the end of the week you'll be able to tell if your home is positive or negative.

I pray today that you will show the positive, powerful love of Christ in your home and allow your child to become all that God created him to be.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Precious Pointer #12 - Protect your child's innocence

It's important to protect your child's innocence.  We live in a world of predators.  Unfortunately most predators will never meet your child.  Most predators will never invade your home or your child's school.  Most predators take the cowards route into the heart and mind of your child.  Through the TV and Internet predators are "teaching" your child to lay down his/her youth for the sting of premature adulthood.

Movies promote that young boys should lose their virginity at the tender age of 10-12, while young girls should experiment with sexual ideas by the age of 10. 

Parents have always allowed young girls to play house and pretend to be mothers as young as preschool.  Young preschool boys played hunter and pretended to go to work like their dads. Imitating parents is a good thing for children.  However, predators have decided to make their jobs easier by attacking the natural walls of childhood and making it "acceptable" to talk sex with a small child.  I cringe thinking about the fact that some pedophiles and perverts are actually making movies, influencing TV and Internet and writing books designed to destroy the natural protection walls of youth. 

So what's a parent to do?  Protect your child from media that suggests it's good for a small child to think about sex.  Give them time to develop their own personalities - without outside influence - before introducing the sexual theme.  If your child asks about sex - ask questions first....answer honestly - but don't introduce information that's not required until it's age appropriate.  A child asked his mother where he came from.  She went into a 30 minute explanation.  He looked at her with a quizzed expression and said, "Johnny said he was born in Mexico and he wondered where I came from. 

Give your child a great gift - give him/her an innocent childhood.  They will thank you for it!

See my new post on Family Tracks - Are you infected with this terrible disease?

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Children - Obesity - NEA

I know I promised not to get mad....but I'm really angry this morning.  I'm angry at a government that continues to strip America of her freedoms and I'm frustrated and angry that they are attacking the family with a vengeance.

THE GOVERNMENT DOES NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO TELL YOU HOW TO RAISE YOUR CHILD!  If you give up that right not only will your child be in danger...our country will not have a future.

Abuse is wrong.  It's against all laws of Christianity and all civil laws as well.  While Family services should rescue abuse victims, there is a fine line that the government can not cross.  And....it's time parents unite and let the government know that we will not put up with this type of interference.

When my children were in elementary school, I was as involved as I had time to be and I let the teachers know that I would support their efforts to teach my children.  However, one day my children were very nervous because of an announcement the principal made.  He responded to a rumor the children had passed around.  He announced that he "did" have an electric paddle and he would use it on unruly children.  Amie was especially anxious and I was furious! 

I put my children back in the car and we drove to the school.  I left the children in the car and walked in and demanded to see the principle in private.  I let him know in no uncertain terms that he was being a bully and I would not tolerate scare tactics on my children.  I told him I was going to let my children know that this was a joke and I would also inform them that the principle did not have the right to hit them or touch them in any way.  Furthermore....if he ever "did" touched my children in any way that I would sue.  "It is my job to discipline my children.  If you have a problem with them you are to call me and I will administer their discipline - not you!" 

He tried to laugh it off and said, "Well now Mrs. Jansen, calm down.  I don't expect that your children would ever have a problem.  That statement was to get some of our other disciplinary cases in line."

I had to take a deep breath before I continued.  "How dare you!"  He looked startled.  "How dare you use the self-esteem of my children to control other children.  My children should not have to endure fear because you lack the ability to run this school.  You need to re-evaluate your own abilities and leave my children out of it. 

He had nothing more to say and I left.

Whew!  Debbie went overboard?!?!?

No.  I don't think so.  It's important that we stand up for our children.  While we must be careful to evaluate the situation properly and be on the side of right (if your child is doing something wrong...admit it and be part of their discipline) - we must stand up and fight when our children are being exposed to even the hint of wrong.  We have the right to opt our children out of school issues that do not line up with our core beliefs. 

The reasons schools feel they can bully us into their beliefs is because too many people are afraid of causing a scene or afraid of getting involved or are simply too overworked and tired that they don't think they have the time to get involved.

WE MUST get involved or the same thing that happened in the federal government will happen on the school level.  One day we will wake up and find that we've lost many of our freedoms of parenting.

NOW TO THE PROBLEM.....

Today Arizona schools will begin weighing and measuring children.  Those who are deemed overweight will be given a health report card to take home to their parents.  Apparently Arizona doesn't think parents are smart enough to look at their children. 

Gretchen Carlson on Fox and Friends was angry.  "I was a chubby child.  That would have devastated my self-esteem.  How dare they do that to children!"  She's exactly right.  Can you imagine some darling young girl who is a little shy and worried about a few extra pounds - having to stand off to the side while a teacher weighs and measures her body?  Even if they do it in private...other children will be able to tell by the red face and nervous look that it didn't go well. 

My worry is what happens later.  Does the school start monitoring her food?  Does the teacher give her a raised eyebrow if she has chips instead of carrots?  Does the food lady in line cut her portions in half? 

Talk about bullying!  How awful for that child!  Every time that child walks into school she is faced with bullying from a staff that thinks she is overweight.  How embarrassing....how torturous!  Doocey made a great point on the show...."What if the teacher is overweight?  Are they going to give her/him a report card?" 

Going to school should have one goal....to learn facts about our world.  That's it!  They do not have the right to invade your spiritual, moral, cultural, or parenting decisions.

Unfortunately, this isn't the only problem parents are facing.  The NEA wants you to believe that your children have sexual thoughts and agendas at six years old.  They want you to believe that you have no influence over your children.  That you don't have the tools to beat back the evil that wants to overcome and destroy your household!

That's baloney!  Don't believe it. 

We have to go further than that.  We have to fight even the slightest attempt to convince us that we are not capable of handling our child's growth and development.  I will stand with you in your fight!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Precious Pointer #11 - Parenting is a building block process

Parenting is a process.  It's impossible to raise a well rounded - well adjusted child who becomes a well rounded - well adjusted adult  if you don't plan ahead and use building blocks.
The building blocks you put in place today will determine how your child views the problems he faces 5 years from now. 

Parenting is a process.  It's important that you take the time to make a list of the traits you want your child to have and then work toward those traits in small increments.

For example, it's impossible to get a 14 year old spoiled brat to understand the value of giving and being unselfish.  That trait takes time to build.  It starts at age two when you ask your toddler to help you feed the dog.  It builds when you demand that he sit in your lap and stay away from his older sister while she opens birthday presents.  It builds when you ask him to be excited and happy for her as she squeals about her gifts.  It grows when you help him sit quietly in grandma's lap as she sings to him.  When he complains about her bad breath or scratchy voice, you teach him the value of love - even when it's hard.  It expands when you help him pick out one of his toys to give to an underpriviledged child.  It makes a giant leap when he willingly offers to rake leaves for an elderly neighbor - without pay.

Parenting a child and giving them all the traits they need to be successful as adults is a process!  Where are you in your process?

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Your Child and Medications

I think sometimes we ask our children to suffer needlessly.  It's important to conquer issues like coughs, colds or viruses and get them under control as quickly as possible.  You don't want those problems to escalate into more serious issues.  I would never advise going against a doctor's advice to use medication to take care of a medical problem and yet.....I do think we need to be good mommy detectives when deciding to administer medicine to children. 

Being a mommy detective in this area means that you try to think outside the box.  Do what many physicians are trained - NOT - to do.  They are trained to look through a microscope and comment on things they have seen.  While studies do "track" individuals to see how medications react over the long term, you need to understand that it's a law of averages at that point.  Basically they interview everyone that's taken the medicine and ask them about their life.  They ask for medical histories and if the individual feels like there have been any problems.  At that point they combine the information (the points they feel are important) with other patients in the study to see if there are any similarities.  From this they decide if there is a long term risk for the patient.

This leaves a lot of speculation and the potential for hidden information to be lost.  That's why a drug can be labeled safe and then years later is determined to be a problem.  That's also why allergies are so hard to detect.  I have an entire page of listed allergies to medications.  A dedicated doctor finally solved my puzzle and decided that I probably wasn't allergic to the actual medication but rather to the binder that held it all together. 

It's important to look at our bodies the way God does.  He placed within us all that we need to survive.  Because we don't like the environment or because the environment has become hazardous to this body - we have invented ways to survive longer.  That's great and I believe God looks at our inventions with a smile.  However, sometimes as flawed humans we can create something that solves one problem and creates ten others.  As parents we have to be our child's protector and determine if one solution can trigger others. 

So...what's a mother to do?  Look at the present effects of the drug.  Ask what portion of your child's body will be affected by the drug.  Determine if it's possible to handle the problem naturally without drug intervention.

For example, I advise mothers of hyper active children to try to avoid mood or nervous system altering drugs if at all possible.  It's a fact that most children with hyperactive tendencies need a plan rather than drugs.  It will require more work from Mom and Dad who may already feel overwhelmed - but in the long run it will prevent a lot of problems. 

Why do I think that?  A definition of the drug quotes, "Ritalin works by changing the amounts of certain natural substances in the brain."  You child grows and changes more during the first 10 years of his life than he ever will.  That includes his brain.  Why would you want to mess with the "natural substances" in the brain at a time when he is developing his cognitive, social, spiritual and intellectual tendencies?  Be careful that you don't allow the urgins of a sympathetic doctor to cloud the need to protect your child. 

As I watch the news I often wonder why certain people act the way they do.  When individuals have trouble processing compassion or understanding how to properly analyze facts or can't understand social interactions - I wonder if their problems with processing information goes back to medications they took as a child.  When I see teens addicted to alcohol or young adults who are hooked on drugs, I wonder if they were given drugs as a child.  I've counseled with several parents who upon a physicians advice gave their pre-schooler prozac and other drugs for anxiety and bad dreams.  Those children are now adults and they deal with all kinds of mental disorders. Is it related?  I can't say for sure.  But, again, I think it's safer to give the growing period an uninterrupted chance to develop properly.  

It is possible to handle most any childhood mental issue with counseling and a plan.

Before giving your child a medication that may change the way he thinks or the way his nervous system works, ask if there is a way to handle the problem without medication.  Think outside the box.  Work within your child's world.  See the problem through his eyes.  And if you still can't come up with a plan....contact me.  There are ways to make sure your child's growth isn't interrupted by drugs.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

I'm Pregnant!

Young couples are so excited when "she" can announce...I'm pregnant!  How exciting!  A new life that looks just like the two of you is being formed.  You are participating in a God-like act.  You will be imortal through the blood line you create. 

But mostly....we are just excited because babies are fun.  Like puppies they smell good, make funny faces, do silly things and are great cuddlers.  We love holding and singing and feeling like this tiny little wonder will achieve every great promise this world has to offer. 

Unfortunately, you are set for a disappointment unless you also realize that every little thing you do from the moment you are pregnant until your child is a successful adult - everything you do matters! 

Yes, you have created a new life.  But the responsibility for that new life doesn't stop with fertilization.  That new life must be created at every point.  You have created a clean slate and with the exception of DNA and a few personality "tendencies", you will determine much of what his/her life is like. 

That's quite a responsibility.  Once the excitment of "I'm pregnant" calms down and the morning sickness sets in...perhaps it's time to consider your new job.  Sometimes your new job will feel like it's the greatest joy in the world.  And sometimes your new job will feel like the greatest weight in the world. 

Just remember, that if you make a plan, pray, become a mommy detective and give your very best.....you and your child will reap the rewards. 

I will be praying for you!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Precious Pointer #10 Age appropriate discipline

You can't expect a two year old to understand complicated math.  You also can't expect a five year old to understand what it takes to be president of a large corporation.  And no matter how you try, you will never get a teenager to understand what it feels like to be a grandparent. 

Yet, I've watched parents punish their children because they aren't adults.  They ask a three-year-old to sit quietly for a solid hour without any stimulation and then fuss when the attempt fails.  They demand that a five year old shop all day and when he becomes disagreeable the parental fussing begins.  The barrage of "Wait till I get you home" or "You are being so bad that I'm not going to buy that toy I promised" - begins and the child is taught that he can't trust his parent for his personal needs.

Know what your child is capable of at his age and don't try to push him beyond his personal limits.  Yes....push him to be better mentally or to push a little harder socially.  But don't ask him to ignore his physical and emotional "needs" in order to do something that you want done.

Some of the worst parenting I've ever seen happens in stores and malls.  Children who are pushed way beyond what they are capable of handling are punished for simply being...children.  As the holidays approach I hope that you will be pro-active and make shopping a fun experience for you and your child.

For example, when you take a child shopping (which I always did - it is good training)...start early.  They are best during morning hours when they are refreshed from a restful night.   

Take plenty of snacks, drinks and small toys.  It will be easier for them to wait for you to make a purchase if they have something to do.  Also...to avoid a fuss from you, take items that are inexpensive or insignificant so it won't be a problem if they are lost.  Yes...teach them to be responsible but don't expect perfection from a small child riding in a stroller.

Make sure that if your child is walking, but it's going to be a long day that you take your stroller anyway - or rent one at the mall.  Think of how hard it is for you to walk and wait if your feet hurt or if you are tired.  You don't want to lose your temper if your 5 year old suddenly decides he can't walk any farther.

For small children you may want to schedule an out of the stroller time after every store.  Taking 5 minutes to let them stretch their legs will make the next store trip easier to take.

If your child can't sleep in a stroller, either break up the day by going home for a nap or fix a way for them to sleep in the car.  Some stores now have family friendly rooms where it might be possible for a child to take a nap.

I always gave my child a reason to be good.  We played the one hour game.  For one hour I would shop and they sat in a stroller and played with their toys or ate their snacks.  To engage them I talked as much as possible, "Do you like this?  Do you think Daddy's would want this?  What color is this?" anything to keep them engaged.  After one hour of my shopping I would take them to their fun place or to a toy store for 15 minutes.  They knew they could count on me and that my promise was good!  They were always told they could not buy anything but that they could do what I was doing....shop.  As they got older I purchased watches so they could time me and...learn to tell time. 

Being pro-active will help you survive those difficult times.  Understanding your child's age capabilities will help you to help them.

These hints and more will be in my next booklet...."Goof Proof Holidays!" 

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Giving your child a proper value system

You probably think I'm going to talk about spiritual values or social values or how to give your child a conscience.  While those issues are very important, it's even more important to help your child see the value attached to any project or any personal talent.

One of the saddest problems with some of today's youth is a total disconnect when it comes to judging real value.  Normally I love to talk with young people.  There's nothing more exciting than to see the wheels turning as a young person questions his world.  But lately that's been a little more challenging.  Many parents seem to think that all a child needs to know is what's required in school or in church.  Beyond that their intellect doesn't need stimulation.  Oh they push for athletics but mostly just so their children aren't considered geeks or so they will be exercised properly. 

What's missing is a deep appreciation for talent.  Not the lame excuse for talent, like screeching on a guitar or scratching on a record.  Real talent isn't spitting in a microphone, pulling at body parts or screaming hateful words to the thump, thump of a high school drop out beating an old tin can. 

Real talent takes work.  Real talent involves planning and practice and intelligence.  There's a big difference between a kindergarten stick figure and Norman Rockwell.  There's a big difference in Bach or Beethoven and Sonny Bono.  I like Sonny Bono and I can praise a child who draws a stick figure (hoping later on that I can steer him to some art lessons).  But, I know the difference in their talent.  I also know when to stop and praise "real" talent and when to pass by goofin' around.  It's hard to talk with young people who can't grasp the concept of Experts and the hard work that guided their path.

The question then is do your children know the difference?  Would they pay more to see Lady Ga Ga than to "experience" the Ballet?  Would they be well rounded enough to be able to spend time in an art gallery or would they spend the rest of their lives watching Bridezilla exclusively.

As parents we need to open our children's lives and expand their intelligence.  We need to be sure they can appreciate the finer things as well as enjoy the simplistic.  To give them the best opportunities in life they need to be able to enjoy a football game as well as a piano concert.  I hope your child would be the one who stopped and listened in this following example.

My Dad sent this to me and I was choked up.  How sad that our society can't see the value of "real" talent.

 THE SITUATION

In Washington , DC , at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, this man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, approximately 2,000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

After about 3 minutes:  a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule.

About 4 minutes later:  The violinist received his first dollar. A woman threw money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

At 6 minutes:  A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

At 10 minutes:  A 3-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time. This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent - without exception - forced their children to move on quickly.

At 45 minutes:  The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

After 1 hour:  He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed and no one applauded.

There was no recognition at all.  No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before, Joshua Bell sold-out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each to sit and listen to him play the same music.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell, playing incognito in the D.C. Metro Station, was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities.

This experiment raised several questions:

*In a common-place environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?

*If so, do we stop to appreciate it?

*Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made . . . How many other things are we missing as we rush through life? 

What are you teaching your children about beauty and talent???


Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

A little Reminder....You are raising the future!

I know that you are very busy.  Perhaps you have a job outside your home.  You give 100% from 8 to 5 and then it's rush home and continue giving until you fall in bed at night.  Week-ends are no release either.  The children pop up early, there's shopping to do and running around and....whew!  Even if you don't work outside the home, you have just as much to do - sometimes more.  I get tired just writing about your schedule.  Believe me, I don't want to throw anything else into the mixture....and yet....we must be careful not to forget why we are doing all the "stuff" we do.

You are raising the future.  When you start winding down and cutting your schedule in half, that's when your child will be called on to step up and take over.  He/she will make decisions that will either continue this life, create a better one or destroy what our generation has created.  Your child will either take a stand and become a front runner in this way of life or he will stand and be counted with millions of others by influencing his community.  Maybe your child will be a congressman or another millionaire that helps entire communities with his understanding of business.  Maybe your child will be a teacher that influences thousands of children and sends them out into the world to make a difference.  Whatever method your child chooses....he/she will determine what this country is like. 

Your child must know the truth about this country.  Unfortunately, school books can't be trusted.  For that reason, I'm passing on tid bits of history from a trusted website.  http://www.americanminute.com/ daily sends out a short description of someone in history.  I'm now posting those on my Family Tracks blog.  There is also a link in this blog's sidebar (Little girl praying - Title - One Nation Under God) that will take you to a list of those posts. 

I hope you will print these out and read them at the dinner table.  Discuss the Godly ways our forefathers felt about this country.  Give your children a patriotic view of America's history.  If you do....they will make this country better when it's their turn to serve.

And tomorrow.....take your children with you when you vote. Give them a practical lesson in how easy it is to take a stand for what you believe. Show them that being part of the process and using your vote to determine the success of America is the "right" thing to do!
Tomorrow Ron and I will pray for this country as we stand in line to vote. May God bless us now and may he keep his hand on America and give our children the same advantages we have had.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie