Is Sunday School Necessary?

"My four year old is a pretty good kid. He's normal of course and acts like a typical four year old, but he's not out of control. I can ask him to be nice or to sit still and he does. I can tell him "no" and he may argue a little, but he calms down and minds pretty quickly. That's why I'm puzzled. He has become a monster at Sunday School. His teacher is insisting that he's interrupting the class and that I need to do something. I've talked to him and to other parents, but I don't have a clue why this is happening. I've asked my husband if Sunday School is really all that necessary. Maybe we should just stay home. Oh...and the other thing is that he is fine during children's church - but a monster during Sunday school? I don't get it. Please help me."

Of course I can help. If this is not normal behavior, then there's a reason he is acting out in Sunday School. This type of situation calls for a Mommy Detective.

Before we tackle what might be happening once you reach church, lets be sure everything at home is okay. Ask yourself the following questions...

1. Are you super busy on Saturday? In other words, is it possible that his routine is so drastically changed on Saturday that he feels out of sorts and irritable on Sunday.

2. Does he sleep well on Saturday nights? If he wakes up tired and irritable on Sunday it could be hard for him to get started. However, like employees on Monday afternoon, once he's had a meltdown in his first class - he has had the time to readjust and squeak by during children's church. Perhaps the difference in teaching personalities is enough to help him calm down.

3. Do you change his diet on Saturdays or on Sunday mornings? For example, are you eating fun foods like pizza on Saturday or donuts on Sunday mornings? A change in diet can cause irritability in children. Perhaps a trip to the potty before going to children's church eliminates some of the problem. Perhaps a snack food before children's church calms him down.

4. Check out his clothes. Is there anything he could be wearing on Sunday that might provoke a difference in his attitude. Perhaps it irritate him at first until he gets used to it.

5. How about your abilities on Sunday morning? Do you react differently to the Sunday morning rush than you do to the Monday morning rush. Perhaps you are more argumentative and you or your husband set the trend for the day.

Do the detective thing and quietly observe. Take several Sunday mornings to step back and just watch. Watch for any clue that your child is gearing up to be on the offensive.

If you still don't have a clue as to why your child is acting out, it's time to check out the Sunday school class. Continue to observe as you drive to church. Listen for any type of talk that would give you a clue. Listen to siblings and how they are responding to Sunday school, listen to your husbands conversation and pay attention to your own. Do you cut certain people down or give the impression that there are people at your church that don't deserve your compassion?

Spend the first week of observation walking around outside the door to your child's classroom. Without going inside you can listen without alarming the teacher or the other students. Listen not only to their conversations, but pay close attention to your child's reactions.

The second week, ask the teacher if you can sit in on the class. Explain to your child that you are doing some "very special work" and that he's not allowed to come to you during the class. If there is a curtain or some type of barrier, try to sit behind it so you can't be seen. Of course, everyone will watch their behavior with you in the room so being out of sight might cause them to relax and give you a clue as to what normally happens.

If you believe the teacher is partly to blame, don't jump all over her. Compassion is the key. Perhaps you could word it this way - "I think my son will respond differently if you approach him this way......"

The third week, sit in plain view so you can watch your child's body language. Watch his eyes and the placement of his hands. Does he seem confused or left out? Does he look as if he's not part of the group? How are the other children treating him? Is he having trouble relating to the other children or does he appear to have many friends?

Finally, attend children's church. For this part of your research, there's no need to be out of sight. Since your child does well here, the only thing you need to ask yourself is, how is this class different from Sunday School? How is the teacher different? How are his relationships different? How is he different? Does he appear to be sleepy - more subdued?

Finally, after you've done all the research - talk to your child. Doing all the research first will give you the right to discuss what he may be doing wrong. Ask him why he's having a problem. Listen for words or phrases that might suggest a headache or allergy. Listen for clues that might suggest learning difficulties or other issues with the teacher - without just accepting, "I don't like her". If he is partly to blame, insist that he change his behavior. Explain in detail why other will respond better to his needs if he changes his own behavior.

Once you feel like you have all the information, mull it over and cover it with prayer. You should be concerned about helping your child navigate through life. Don't just jump on the teacher, slam the class or become negative about the setting. Help your child and your church discover new ways to attend to every one's needs while accepting the fact that we are all on a journey to find out more about our faith and our Savior.

Pray, pray, pray. The clues should be coming together and forming a pattern. The clues should help your identify why your child is having a problem. If after all this you still can't see clearly - send the facts to me and we'll figure it out together.

Yes, I believe that Sunday School is necessary! Small children need to hear the old stories over and over geared to their age group. One of my dearest mentors was an elementary age Sunday school teacher. Don't take your children out of those wonderful classes. Instead, help him to learn how to enjoy every minute.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Heritage - a must for self-esteem

Children are great imitators.

Children love to make faces and play follow the leader. So why does contemporary psychology lie about their ability to embrace the philosophies or traditions of their family?

While I can't address personal motives, I can guarantee that it is possible to teach your children to appreciate the things you love. Children are not destined to hate your life.

Children reject Mom and Dad's beliefs or likes and dislikes because they haven't been taught to love them. Let's put on our Mommy Detective star and see if we can figure our why children often reject family ties.

Let's suppose your child is four and very active. You have decided that since it's brought you so much pleasure, your child "must" understand and love symphonic music as you do. You make him sit very still in the living room and listen to your old tapes of symphonies. You try to point out special parts but he's either sleeping or uncomfortable because he has to be still. You decide to expose him to a live symphony but you end up taking him out of the auditorium when he can't sit still. You fuss all the way home about the price of the ticket and the awful way he acted.

Look at it from his point of view. You forced something that sounds boring on him and then required him to respect your views without giving him the tools to understand your views. You insisted that he control his active little body and endure a situation he doesn't understand without the slightest bit of help from you. I could list specifics like being frustrated when he yelled, "Where's the popcorn?" but...well....you get the picture.

The point is that if we want our children to love what we love, we have to understand their point of view and try to help them see ours. Above all, we must make it fun.

Dancing around the room and making up stories to go along with a symphony is a lot more appealing than trying to sit still and make pictures in your mind. Attending a concert in the park seems like more fun to a 5-year-old than going to a fancy auditorium. In other words....don't push - lead. Help your child "experience" the joy you have experienced.

Be patient. Stay calm. Be fun.

Even if your child develops a different viewpoint, at least he will be able to share in your appreciation for your heritage. I know many young adults that prefer contemporary music, but can appreciate the heritage of gospel music. I've watched them hug a grandparent and sing the old hymns until that grandparent burst into tears of love for both child and music. That moment becomes a treasured memory that will last both lifetimes.

It's a must that parents develop a strong heritage. Our children need to feel a strong connection to family and the things that define that family. The lessons for how to belong are taught best by the inclusion in family traditions and relationships. While it will turn out negative if we demand and push, it is possible to teach our children to accept and love who we are and what our family stands for.

My husband Ron comes from a rich heritage of farmers. I came from a rich heritage of preachers and city folks. When our children were born I decided that they would know both sides of the family. At the time we were living in Atlanta, Georgia - can't get more city than that - and they were miles from farmland. Every summer I packed a huge trunk and spent a month with Ron's parents on their 365 acre farm.

I encouraged the children to ride the tractors with grandpa and help grandma pick tomatoes and beans. We walked the dirt lanes that snaked into the corn and climbed apple trees for the sweetest apples growing near the top. We picked flowers and snuggled on green grass looking for pictures in the clouds. I was totally out of my element and had to work to find interesting things to do, but my children picked up on my desire to "love" Ron's heritage. I taught them to enjoy adventures and to appreciate another way of life.

All three children have an appreciation for the farm and the lifestyle of their grandparents. Going to the farm for a visit isn't a chore - it's a treat and a blessing. Anytime they see tractors or farmland, their face softens and they want to share the experience with their Dad. None of my children have chosen to be farmers - but that wasn't the goal. The goal was to give them a rich heritage and a strong self-esteem that says, "I belong to a family of worth."

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Help.....it's hopeless!

As I travel and do more conferences, I am stunned by the level of frustration and feelings of hopelessness. Many homes are like those we see on television nanny programs. Parents love their children but don't have the tools to parent properly. You would think that with all the books and literature produced about parenting that solving problems would be a simple matter of reading a book.

Unfortunately, books skim the surface of problems and deal with only one area at a time. You would have to read hundreds in order to know how to deal with every problem of parenting. Some problems will never be dealt with in a book. Publishers have to make money to stay in business. They can't afford to spend thousands publishing a book that will appeal to a small percentage of people. So where can that small percentage go to find help?

They can call or send me an e-mail. I am in the process of writing booklets (over 80 of them) to serve every area of parenting not just the big topics. These booklets may only start the process or for some they may list steps to solving the problem. Either way....I am your partner. We can do this.

If you have read my bio on the website, you know that I have a psychology degree. I don't want to ever make anyone serving in the psychological field feel bad about their job. However, you must be careful in believing everything you hear. The overall feeling of contemporary psychology is that parenting is a losing project. According to their philosophy, you can love your baby, have fun with your preschooler, be involved with your elementary student; but when it comes to pre-teen and teens - your life as a parent is over. At that point you will suffer no matter what you do to prevent it. Your child is destined to be rebellious and hard to handle and basically will make your life miserable. You will be forced to watch the divide between you and your child grow into the Grand Canyon and it will probably end your relationship.

How depressing! Why would anyone want to have children knowing that's in their future.

Well my depressed parent....I HAVE GOOD NEWS!!!!

CONTEMPORARY PSYCHOLOGY IS LYING TO YOU

God has given you the tools and the abilities to have a great child, a warm and loving home and a relationship that will last until you're laying in a hospital room preparing to die. You can raise children who care about your well being and who will provide a lifetime of love and will have personal lives you can admire! Whether you are a Christian or not - you have the tools within your scope of parenting.

Parents are the most powerful people in the world. We have the ability to change the future!

"Alright Debbie! Tell me how....please tell me how."

It's not that hard and it won't take days of time. It will take a commitment and some determination.

Start by sending me an e-mail and letting me know what problems you have. ALL PARENTING AND FAMILY ISSUES CAN BE SOLVED. You may have to suffer a few consequences along the way, but they can be solved. It will be easier if we begin a plan when children are young, but older children and adults will respond as well. IT'S NOT HOPELESS.

Call your church, school or social group and ask for The Family Training Center to come and do some of our 80 classes. Even though I was also bound by some of the issues within the publishing business, I encourage you to get my new book, Discipline Exposed. I worked extremely hard to provide the necessary information for you, the reader, to instantly see why your child isn't responding to your parenting style. I also included ways you can improve that style and get the results you want. Discipline Exposed is not a gimmick, it's a way of life that transforms everyone in the family.

I can also teach you the steps you need to learn how to be a Mommy Detective and find out those little clues that will lead to success. There's a 5 point plan on how to be a Mommy Detective on my website. I'm in the process of writing my second book, Mommy Detective so you can evaluate your own home.

Parenting is not a hopeless project. You can do this! I guarantee it!

Write me and let's get started to making your home all you envisioned it to be.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Our children - little apples of Gold

If you've read my blog at Family Tracks, you know about IKE blowing through our town. Over 300,000 people in Ohio were without power. Debris was everywhere. I was one of the lucky ones with power. Unfortunately I didn't have Internet, cable or phones for several days.

Before I could roll my trash can to the street I had to carve a path through hundreds of apples that had fallen off our tree. They covered our driveway and many had been smashed when my husband left for work.

I grabbed a rake and began pushing them to the side. I felt as though I was in an apple rodeo. I'd have 10 or 15 in the claws of my rake but as I pushed them to the side, 4 or 5 would break loose and make a run for the slope in the driveway. It wasn't long until 40-50 were at the end of the driveway and several made it to the middle of the street. No problem, right? Just get behind them and do the golf thing. Hit them for all it's worth and send them sailing up the driveway into the pile.

Golf - no way. Pool - maybe. Most of them made it 1/2 to 1/4 up the driveway and then rolled back down. The few that did go sailing hit the pile of apples and sent them spinning in all directions as if the cue ball had just hit dead center......and of course that sent another 50 or so down the driveway.

Since my back wasn't doing so well, I didn't want the repetitive action of picking each apple up. The only way to get them to the top of the hill was if I raked them to the side of the driveway and then up the grass. Those pesky little apples needed something to hang on to in order to make it up the driveway - they just couldn't do it alone. I felt sorry for the ones that escaped my guidance and were smushed in the road by passing cars.

It made me think of our children. If you'll notice the first picture - in the middle of all those apples is a bird's nest. I'm so glad it's fall and that in all probability the little ones housed in that nest are grown and gone. But it reminded me that our children need to have the comfort of our nest. They need to be shielded from storms and wind. They need to know that even when the world dishes out everything it can in order to rattle their resolve; our children can return home and find peace, comfort and love.

It breaks my heart to watch shows like Supernanny. How awful for children to feel lost in their own homes, to be struggling alone without the proper love, training and peace that parents are supposed to give. The other side of that however, is that parents need the love and support of their children as well.

When the home is at it's best, parents aren't trying to play golf or pool with their children. When problems arise they aren't trying to "send them sailing" up a hill.

Instead, they provide guidance. They ease them to the sidelines and guide them up the hill, holding their hands the entire way.

And the children....they are protected by their parent's guidance. They aren't alone in the middle of the road facing the tires of an oncoming car. They aren't flying full force into the piles of unguided children at school. Instead, they are guided by the loving rake and the cool grass of their parent's wisdom. That wisdom builds a bond that can't be broken and will cause the child to forever desire their parent's love.

When you choose to guide instead of provoke, your little Apples of Gold will have the chance to become all they were designed to be.

Seeking His Wisdom

Debbie

Never punish a child for "being" a child

Mommy and Daddy are adults. Babies are not.

Mommy and Daddy can plan. Babies can not.

Mommy and Daddy know all about consequences. Babies do not.

Your greatest tool as a parent is to understand what your child can and can't do during all the stages of his life.

Don't expect a two-year-old to think about the floor when his cup has lost it's top and the red Kool-aid is making neat little circles on the white carpet. He is at the point in his life when red circles will fascinate him while keeping mommy's carpet stain free will not.

Don't punish a three-year-old because he can't sit still in a stroller while you shop for two hours. His little body isn't made that way and he simply does not have the mental brain power to sit still while you check out the newest fashions.

Don't punish a four-year-old for putting water in the car gas tank. How is he supposed to know that cars don't run on water?

Don't punish a seven-year-old for telling Aunt Martha that he doesn't like frogs anymore - even if she did give him frog underwear for Christmas. Unless you have given him lessons on polite behavior even when we don't like something - he probably doesn't realize that he might hurt her feelings.

All of the above situations deserve to be treated as training exercises and are not worthy of punishment. If you need a plan to train and help your child navigate some of the challenging stages of his life - go to http://www.debbiejansen.com/ and look under resources. You can order two brochures that will help. The Penny System and Stages of life will help you to understand your child. Or you can send me an e-mail with any questions you have.

Seek His Wisdom,

Debbie

A haunting poem

I have a book in my library that was given to Ron for his 20th birthday. I love the book. It has become one of my favorites. God is no fool by Lois A. Cheney is comprised of 99 poems. Each and every one has driven me into hours of deep contemplation. If you can find this book - buy it.

I often teach about how our children watch us and how powerful our "lives" are in the training of our children. We speak volumes often not with what we say - but rather how we act and re-act when hidden in our homes. I hope you will see the great lesson in Lois Cheney's poem # 44.

forty-four

The pain of pain is disappointment, for it cannot be taped or healed or cut away. Dull, creeping out of nowhere, it settles and seeps, covering heart, mind and perspective.

The task that loomed as special, glowing with promise and challenge, slips into meaninglessness. The task aimed at, sought for, planned on, arrives; and what glowed is tarnished, and what beckoned seems hollow. And disappointment smothers.

The eyes that loomed as special, glowing with warmth and shared moments, slip into the sea of uncaring eyes. Moments awaited, arrive; and untrue words rattle aimlessly around the room. What seemed real now appears false; what appeared expansive now narrows. And disappointment smothers.

One could become angry and feel cheated in the disappointments that move into hopes, dreams, and daily steps. One could turn hard, cold--except for two questions.

How many times do others watch me in dull disappointment?
How often do the eyes of Christ look on, throbbing in disappointment?

God have mercy on us.

Boy - Lois gets me every time. Remember - your children are watching you. Be the model they need.

Seeking His Wisdom

Debbie

Protecting your child with...

When counseling with troubled children, the #1 thing I look for is their level of self-esteem. If it's too low, they will be filled with guilt, insecurities and fears. If it's lop-sided and they have turned a proper self-esteem into a controlling addiction, they will be bullies. If it's so low it's almost non-existent - my job is going to take a long time.

The most important thing you can do for your child is to protect them with a healthy self-esteem. A healthy self-esteem will not destroy others in order to promote self. A healthy self-esteem will value others and will be able to work side by side for a common good. A healthy self-esteem will be able to sacrifice as well as receive (gracefully) the gifts of others.

A healthy self-esteem will protect your child. It will be easier for him to stand up for what's right, to stay within the convictions of your family, to work with others and to listen to instructions. He/she will not be fooled by the taunts of others because they have confidence in their own worth. His belief in who he is will allow him to excel in his talents. Her belief in her own value will allow her to resist conformity to other struggling children or teens. How?

A healthy self-esteem is based on truth.

1. A person with a healthy self-esteem knows and likes who they are. Their talents aren't puffed up - they are real. They are comfortable with their strengths and abilities and they can acknowledge their faults or shortcomings. They realize that they are valuable and important in their own small world.

2. A person with a healthy self-esteem does not bully others. They realize that we all are important in our own way. They quickly find a way to accept others and allow them to succeed.

3. A person with a healthy self-esteem can listen to instruction. They are teachable and that will cause them to be a VIP to their teachers.

4. Bullies have a hard time hurting children with a healthy self-esteem. A child with a proper self-esteem will quickly realize that anything a bully says is a lie. By not buying into the lie - the bully is neutralized.

5. A person with a healthy self-esteem will also be in control of his temper.

6. A person with a healthy self-esteem will work harder to excel in his talent. The more success he has, the harder he works to improve. It's a wonderful cycle that will take his life to new heights.

7. A person with a healthy self-esteem just has more fun. They are able to relax and enjoy life.

8. A person with a healthy self-esteem will have more friends. We all gravitate to people we can enjoy.

Protect your child. Be a great Mommy detective and give your child the tool he/she needs to be successful in life. Give them a healthy self-esteem.

Seek His Wisdom

Debbie