Valentine Elementary School Etiquette

Valentine's Day can be a special time for children to recognize their classmates.  Unfortunately, it can also be a time when they feel left out.  I personally believe that teachers and parents should get together on Valentine etiquette so that no child will feel left out when the class celebrates Valentine's Day.

If that's not a possibility, before you decide to remove your child from the fun on Valentine's, you need to understand where children get their cues for holidays.  Children will build their love or dislike of holidays from three sources.

1. The most powerful source in a child's life for celebrating the holidays comes from parents. Parents can choose to empower their children or make them feel worse. How?

The importance you place on a holiday will determine the excitement your child has for the day.  If you treat it like nothing special - so will your child.  I've known some children who allow their birthday to come and go because it's not a big deal at home.  Celebrating holidays is not a basic need and therefore will be determined and developed by the parent. 

As far as how your child interprets the actions of others - he/she will watch your face and listen to your tone for clues as to how to feel. If you are hurt because Sally didn't give your child a
Valentine - your child will transfer feelings of confusion into feelings of hurt. If you treat it as no big deal and you offer explanations, your child will be open to "letting it go."  You can diffuse hurt feelings by teaching your child to process social actions properly.

"Perhaps Sally didn't give you a valentine because her parents don't have enough money to purchase Valentines for everyone in the class." This statement will open the door to allow you a chance to teach compassion for others. It can also be followed with another excuse, "Perhaps, Sally wasn't taught to be kind to everyone. Our family feels that it's important to be nice to everyone we meet." This will teach your child how others feel when he neglects them. If your child can handle inward reflection, you could press a little further with this. "Have you been nice to Sally? Perhaps she doesn't feel close to you for some reason. Perhaps Sally needs your kindness and help to be friends. Let's concentrate on the Valentines you do have. Tell me about those friends."
And finally, if your child is ready you can offer the not so pleasant but truthful statement..."Not everyone on the planet is going to be your friend. That's not your fault. As long as you have been as nice as you can, then you need to accept her actions as her own personal choice - not a reflection of you as a person."
It is possible to turn a negative toward your child into a positive learning experience that will prepare him/her to handle future social problems with ease. Teaching your child to spin his life on the positive can help him accept and even work around life's disappointments.  Perhaps that's why when my youngest was a teen he decided to rename Valentines Day. He calls it "Single Awareness Day". Every Valentine's Day since he was in high school, he has bought a bag of heart candies and passed them out - not to the cool kids - but to those on the sidelines. He proudly announces, "Happy Single Awareness Day!"

He continued that celebration even when he had girlfriends, through college and now into adult life.  He's learned to take a negative and turn it into a positive.  Empowering your child will make them strong.

2. The second powerful influence for your child is her teacher or authority figure. Before Valentines, have a quick discussion with your teacher and ask how she is going to promote the holiday. That will give you a chance to prepare for what might be coming.

3. The third and least powerful of all in the eyes of your children - should be their classmates. Many times parents invert this power giving way too much power to the social atmosphere of school. Again, social pressures will only have power if you allow it.  Children are born to our care and their greatest need is to have the respect and support of their parents.  When you don't take the time to nurture mentoring traits, your child will be forced to turn to peers at school.  School should be a great experience. Your children should participate, have friends and build memories. But...if popularity invades the wisdom of your home, future problems will be harder to solve. Peer pressure and rebellion can dig a trench around your child if you don't preserve your mentoring relationship.   If you are confused about how to develop a strong mentoring relationship with your child, my book Discipline Exposed - surviving fried worms and flying mudballs can help.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Stress Disorder in Children

You can't turn on the TV or radio without something being said about the horrible disaster in Haiti.  As adults we want to know what's going on and how we can help.  But for a child, the news can bring on fear that if left unattended could have the potential to lead to stress disorders. 

Most parents react by turning off the TV, avoiding any conversation about the issue and pretending that everything is okay.  That strategy is very dangerous.  It leads your child to believe that the situation is so devastating that it's become taboo to even talk about it.  And if they attend school and hear about it from others their information will likely be distorted and their fear will escalate.

The proper response is to accept your role as guide and interpreter of your child's world.  In other words you need to take an overview of the news and explain it in terms your child can understand.  Depending on his age, you may not need to go into descriptive details, but you do need to explain the cause for concern and how you are going to deal with it as parents and as a family.  Information is always key to helping your child feel safe.

Children are like hidden cameras. They are always watching their parents. Even when you don't think they are paying attention or listening to what you say - they are recording information. When there is a disaster, parents need to be aware that children are watching even closer and they pay close attention to our body language. Until a child has practiced how to properly process distressing information, there is a potential for great fear, misunderstanding and in some cases stress disorders. It's important that parents use the following method to help their children feel "safe".
1. Your child will process information first by listening and watching your body language. Be careful to stay calm, make sure your child sits close to you or even on your lap and make sure your "energy" in the situation helps your child feel safe.  Don't force him to sit with you if he seems uninterested or preocupied.  Make the offer (Billie, can you come sit with mommy?) and then wait.  Even if he's not sitting close, you can reassure him that everything is okay by the way you respond to the TV. ("I feel so sorry for them but look how wonderful it is that we are going to help.")

2. Even when children are a bit older, information about disasters can be distorted. Watch your child's face and body language for any signs of distress.  If you see stress either in their face or causing them to act out, ask questions.  "This is sad.  Is the news bothering you?"  "You don't usually act this way.  This news is making me feel sad.  Do you feel sad?"

3. You are your child's interpreter. It's your job to explain what's going on and why.  When your child hears newscasters going on and on about suffering, they may wonder if they are going to be required to suffer as well. Don't try to hide the news. Instead, accept it in a calm manner and interpret or explain it to your child. As interpreter, you need to explain where the suffering is in relation to your child.  You might want to get a map of the world and look at the distance between you and Haiti.   You may want to discuss eathquakes, why they happen and the liklihood of it not happening to you.  If you do live on a fault line, discuss the precautions you would take before and after one hits.  Discuss what caused the suffering and how you can be prepared so it won't be as devastating for you.  Be sure and point out the positive all along the way.  Spend the majority of time talking about how the relief efforts will ease their suffering and the positive things people are doing to solve the problem.  Once your explanation is over you will need to bring your child back to a place where he can feel safe and yet also be compassionate about others.  Do this by giving lots of hugs, allowing him to ask questions and assuring him that you are safe.

4. Be diligent in pointing out the good. Help your child look on suffering with compassion but also see the good that can be accomplished by those who choose to help with the relief efforts. Point out all the items that are being sent to that area and how it will help those in need.

5. Empower your child. Stress is best relieved by putting your fear into action.  Help your child do something to relieve the stress they might be feeling. Help them write a card, send a donation or simply pray that others will be able to relieve the suffering.

As a guide and interpreter to your children, you will be able to help them process difficult distressing news in a logical and loving manner.
 
Seeking His Wisdom,
 
Debbie

Clues for a Rebellion free home....

Clue: Why does any adult rebel clench his fist and assume the stance for a fight? Why do most dictatorship societies have rebel undergrounds that continually stab at the heart of the dictatorship?

Anytime a child, teen or adult feels that his life is not fair or logical or safe or that he is threatened and will be treated differently from everyone else - that individual will rebel.  If he feels that there is something missing in his life and someone who's blocking the path for him to acquire what he wants or needs - he will rebel.


So....how do you stop rebellion in your home?

The first clue is to make sure you can be trusted.   Many parenting books lead parents to believe that good discipline is the ability to get your child to do everything you want him to do, when you want it, without any questions.  Even when you administer rules in the kindest way possible - you can leave your child wondering if you are willing to protect his needs above your own. 

If we require compliance without a way to express different opinions, isn't that the definition of slavery?  And what happens with most slaves......They want to run away from their masters as soon as possible.

What parents must do then is to to make sure your child can trust you.  Make sure that as a parent your child can believe what you tell him and trust that you will follow through with fair judgement of him and the situation.

We are teachers.  When children are placed in our custody, we become their interpreter to the world.  We are responsible for explaining every detail so they will understand how to function properly.  Without understanding why they are required to obey, they never will believe we are telling the TRUTH. 

Demanding strict compliance to rules has a direct correlation to why so many teens rebel.  Put yourself in their shoes.  What other choice would you have if you felt like a slave?  Don't get me wrong: We had plenty of rules in our family, but every child knew why the rule existed and they knew the process required to change the rule.  They also were allowed to voice their discontent. 

If your child is not empowered or informed about life issues, he will not have the tools to properly judge situations.  When presented with a challenge, he will fight for his freedom rather than fight for what's right.  The most powerful thing you can do as a parent is to allow your child the freedom to grow without losing your influence as mentor and teacher.  It can be done.

When a child is completely convinced that an action is the only right thing to do, he will live it and fight for it.  Only when you have made an impression on his heart will you make an impression on his life!

Once your child feels "safe" and "supported" within his own home, rebellion will receive the kick it needs to start heading out the door.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

A child's perspective

As a mommy detective I try to look at the world through the eyes of a child.  It gives you a different perspective that can explain a lot of problems.  Today I received an e-mail from a friend who knows my work.  I have been laughing for the last 30 minutes.  ENJOY!

Retarded Grandparents as seen through the eyes of a child.

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.  They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona ..

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.  He watches all day so nobody can escape.

Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday, too..

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.  Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Seeking His Wisdom

Debbie (not yet retarded!)

Tips for sitting on Santa's lap

Do you have a precious but tender hearted child that seems to be afraid of meeting new people?  Is grandma already asking for a picture of your little one with Santa and you know it's not going to go well?

Try these tips to help your pre-schooler or toddler have a pleasant time with Santa.

Before taking your child to see Santa, purchase a fake beard.  Most children haven't seen a mass of white hair or cotton on an adult.  Some of their fear may be because they aren't sure if you are putting them on a person's lap or if this is actually some kind of mean animal.   Wear the beard while laughing and playing with your child.  Have Daddy, grandpa and maybe even your best friend try the beard on and laugh.  Allow your child to touch and investigate the beard.  Let him put it on and look in the mirror. 

Allow your child to make friends with several "safe" people at church or a play group.  Try to pick out someone that is a little overweight or someone that has a gruff voice. 

Watch movies of Santa and get excited about wanting to see him.  Have fun teaching your child how to "ho-ho-ho." 

Purchase some red velvet (doesn't have to be more than a small block) so he can feel the texture and become familiar with the bright color. 

Arrive a little early for your session and point out other children that are having fun with Santa.  Be sure and point out how close "mommies" stand and how fun it will be to wave at mommy.

To save money, you can pass your purchases on to other mommies in your playgroup.  You might even go so far as to find someone that has a Santa suit and will let the children practice by sitting in his lap. 

While these tips may not take all your child's fears away, they will help.  Remember, children are usually afraid of what they don't understand.  Helping them to be familiar with the surroundings will help your child relax with Santa.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Did you know that your child will see God's face first - by looking at your face? You are the face of God to your child. Learning about your authority and your leadership will ultimately lead your child to the face of God - or away from God.

How many times have we listened to liberals spout lies about faith and about God - only to find out seconds later in the interview that they were abused as a child or hurt by their parents? If a child only sees pain and sorrow in the small world of the home, he won't have the necessary components to look outward and imagine that there is something better. It will take another traumatic experience to shake them into seeing that their parent or friend or guardian is not representative of God's love or purpose for this life.

Remember this formula : Child to parent - parent to family unit - family unit to community - Community to state - state to federal - federal to country - country to world.

That formula is the way the ripples of our lives are felt. What happens in our homes on an individual level will ultimately effect what is happening the world. You may feel isolated....but you aren't. Collectively what we do does effect our country. Still don't see it? Where does a movement start? With one individual standing up and asking others to share his point of view. One individual, one family, one child, one home.

Our first goal in Powerful Parenting is to make sure that our own lives are in line with God's love and purpose. Once we are on board with God's will for our lives then we have to look at our children and the way we deal with them in the same manner that God looks at us.

For example, If we know that God forgives - every time we mess up - then we must be willing to forgive our children. If you believe that God doesn't hold a grudge or wouldn't scream at us - then we shouldn't hold a grudge with our children or scream at them. If you believe that God will look at every piece of evidence before judging your life, then you must consider everything when judging your children.

By the same token, if you believe that God gently guides you into making the best decisions and that he has rules that can't be compromised - then we must lead and guide our children in the same way.

Think about this little scene.....

A mother was very busy and it seemed that little Luke was very clingy. Everywhere she went during the day her 5 year old followed close behind. When she turned quickly in the Kitchen she almost fell over him. She knelt down and fussed...."What is wrong with you today? Why don't you go play? Why are you following me so close - I almost fell on top of you."

Little Luke looked puzzled. He scratched his head and replied. "Well....my sunday school teacher told me to follow in Jesus footsteps, but I can't see him so I was following you!"

Moms....in order to have a better America we must always remember who is watching everything you do!

Seeking His Wisdom,


Debbie

Santa won't give gift of Swine flu!

This is both a fun article and a practical one. Cat Lincoln posted an article on Holidash.com titled Mall Santas fear Swine Flu http://tinyurl.com/yknhhr3
With thousands of moms and dads lining up with their children to see Santa, it's the perfect breading ground for germs. It's not that mall Santas want to make it difficult for children but they are asking to be approved to receive the early H1N1 vaccine.

Mall Santas are some of the most compassionate and kind people on the planet. They deal with frustrated tired parents, children who spill, spit up, scream and wet on their uniforms. Tired children wiggle and squirm while curious children pull Santa's beard and rub a candy filled hand up and down their suit. Most of these exciteable children aren't concerned about hygiene and all poor Santa has to protect himself is a bottle of hand sanitizer and the hope that the really sick ones stay home.

When you take your children to see Santa this year, be sure you have administered protection. Above all, don't forget to give Santa a big smile and a bigger thank you for his work!

Seeking His Wisdom,
 
Debbie