Good advice Cesar

I found this video.  It's great advice.  His last point about helping our children help others is terrific.  I think most bullies and many "jerks" in the world come from children who have low self-esteem because they were not taught to think of others.  Children need to practice giving to others.  They need to give to their families, their churches and their friends - without being paid!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5y1quNg5yo


This video is great advice as long as you couple it with your faith in God.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Parenting takes courage

The biggest problem for most parents today is a lack of confidence and courage.  It is possible to Google any parental problem and get a thousand or more sites that will give you at least hundreds of ways to handle that problem.

Unfortunately most of all of those sites will have an agenda and most likely will give you the wrong advice.  Or...even worse....they will lead you to believe there is nothing you can do and no way to tackle the problem.  Instead, they will advise - just smile or pray or in some way try to avoid the problem and hope it goes away.  In other words, they encourage parents to be passive and to give up.  They insist that there is no way a parent can influence a child to be a better person.  (Hogwash!)

Children across this country are emotionally starving because they need strong leaders to help them navigate life.  In the absence of a strong leader at home, children try to fill that role without experience, wisdom, compassion or a true definition of love.  Even worse, when they feel their parents can't provide leadership or proper love - children reach out to other delinquents at school to fill that void.  In Cesar's words, they join a pack at school - a wild pack ruled by animal instinct rather than an honest view of life.  Mom and Dad cry....Grandma prays.....and society says "Don't blame the parents they have enough guilt already."

I don't believe in nagging and using guilt to force anyone to do anything.  BUT...there's a bigger problem here.  If we are so worried about "guilt" that we remain quiet about "TRUTH" - the battle for lives and souls is already lost. 

No one in this life has ever changed a habit - bad or good - when their life was successful and everything was going right.  Have you ever heard someone say - "Everything in my life is great! I think I'll change it all around."  Of course not.  The only time we think of changing things is when we are hurting or when someone says to us...."If you keep doing this bad thing, you will have major problems down the road."  That is one of our biggest roles as parents....we are the voice of reason that insists our children can live by higher standards.  Enlisting compassion and love, we can help our children achieve and be much more than "society" thinks is possible.  We can lead them into God's Higher Plan for their lives.

My point is this....Either parents need to have the courage to "Parent" and to say "NO" and to lecture their children on the evils of certain practices - or we are doomed to a future generation that will self-destruct!

When I look at young people who are self-destructing, my first question is - "Where were the parents?"  Why didn't they get involved?  Why didn't they do something to change this child's focus?  What did they do when they were four or five?  Why didn't they develop a strong sense of communication with that child?  Perhaps they did and the child still chose a delinquent path...but, the question needs to be out there. We need to encourage more parents to get involved. Children aren't plants; they need more than food and water.


In every show I've watched with Cesar Millan - The Dog Whisperer - he always says, "I train people so their dogs can be balanced."  It's always the owner that needs instruction and when the owner changes his ways, the dog instantly changes as well.  Parenting is no different. 

Yes, once a child is an adult we no longer have the same influence over that child - but what I did do when that child was 5 or 6 that will certainly help them now.  Children are like masterful paintings.  When you use a paint by number kit to copy someone else's work - one color and one stroke of the brush goes into one small shape.  But when the master is painting, it's done in layers.  There may be several colors on top of each other with edges blended and different brushes and strokes used.  What you do to help your child understand life at age 7 will be the base coat for everything that comes after.  He will build on those teachings and come to a specific philosophy for his life.

Rule #1 however, is that you must first know the rules of life.  You must first know and understand that lying will get you into trouble.  Only then can you explain it to your child.  Only then will you have the courage to insist that lying will not be tolerated.  Only then will you have the courage to discipline bad behavior. 

You can't be a trusted leader for your children until you know and follow the rules yourself.  Your children won't trust you as their leader if you demand they tell the truth yet you lie to your boss. 

Perhaps the first rule of good parenting is to get your own life in order and make a commitment to live an honest life in front of your child.  But....that will take a lot of courage! 

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Spanking vs.discipline vs. touching and Cesar Millan

Anytime I mention discipline some parents wince and question me about spanking.  Anytime I mention spanking, I receive negative e-mails and comments.  I believe that anytime any form of discipline is used in anger - it will not produce good results.  That's why I'm against "spanking" as a whole but for "popping".  Spanking suggests an out of control, let me at that wayward child attitude.  If the definition of spanking for you means a trip to the woodshed and a leather belt - I'm definitely against that!

Let's look at both sides though.  Some people think a soft word and a time out will do the trick.  The last time I watched Supernanny, a mother tried the time out thing over and over.  The child just got up and ran away screaming.  Finally totally frustrated, the mother dragged her child by one arm to time out.  She slammed her down in the chair and proceeded to scream at her.  That out of control Mom was just as destructive emotionally as a light spanking.  I've wondered how to explain to parents that a "pop" on the behind can snap a child out of destructive behavior and may not be as harsh as yelling at them as you drag them out of the mall while 58 people look on and shake their heads?

Again Cesar provided a new way to explain what I have done with the children I've helped.  I've probably watched 100 shows with Cesar Millan.  Yesterday he spent more time than usual on his "touching" method.  Some owners are very worried about hurting their dogs - especially smaller dogs.  Most parents are extremely worried about hurting their children and therefore reject any form of physical reprimand.  Yet, when a dog is in a high level of energy and wanting to act out Cesar remains totally calm and yet assertive. 

He explains, "I have to have a method of snapping them out of their "red zone" thoughts.  I am calm assertive and yet I must gain their attention.  That's when I choose one of three methods.  I either yank on the leash - pulling their head up so I'm the only thing they view.....or....I use my foot to tap their behind and move it to a different position - which will also make them look at me and therefore snap their brain into a different place.....or....I use my hand and form my fingers to represent the bite pattern of another dog.  Then I tap their neck with my hand as if a dog had just bitten them.  To touch them in this manner is not painful.  It's simply a strong touch that snaps them out of their present thinking.  This along with a noise will snap them out of their present state of mind causing them to look at my face and eyes.  When they look at me they see dominance and determination.  They know that I am not going to let them get away with their current behavior.  Now we can move on."

He goes on to caution that dogs don't relate to words and sending a barrage of commands after them only causes them to tune out the human and continue doing what they want to do.  (How many times has your child ignored your constant nagging or shouting commands?)  It's the touch that snaps their mind into a difference place.  AND by releasing immediately....the dog understands that if he goes into a red zone behavior he will be disciplined....if he relaxes and goes into a submissive behavior - the discipline is withdrawn.

So.....how can we relate this to children?  I personally don't believe that a simple time out and sweet words will handle an out of control child.  Time out works when the child is calm, but not so much when he's out of control.  If you've read my book, Discipline Exposed, you know that I believe in thinking outside the box.  When your child is calm you can try different methods to change his mind and get him on board with your decisions.  But when he's out of control, you must snap him out of that red zone mentality.  While I promote some "popping" I don't believe in an excessive amount and I definitely think it should be discontinued once you can have a conversation with your child. 

But...what do you do when your child is pitching a fit and out of control?  You've thought outside the box and provided discipline in other situations that have solved those problems and actually increased self-esteem.  This situation is different.  In Cesar's terms your child has escalated to the "red zone" and is totally out of control.  Remember what Cesar says....if you give affection and sweetness while in the red zone - you only make them more powerful and the misbehavior more desired.  Children are very much like out of control dogs in that when they are in the red zone their actions take on a primal or animalistic approach.  They won't find reason in words and simply are going to force their way on you.  If you don't take control at this point - you will never have control from this point on.  So....

1.  As if you were jerking the leash, grab both arms of your child and bring his face nose to nose with you.  Repeat this sentence in a calm assertive manner..."This is not acceptable and you will stop this right now."   If that doesn't stop the behavior, go to step two.

2.  If they do not understand words, a simple "pop" on the behind may snap them out of the red zone long enough for you to continue with #1.  If they are old enough to understand conversation, pick your child up and sit him down continuing to repeat the sentence in a calm assertive manner...."This is not acceptable and you will stop this now!"  If he doesn't calm down and instead escalates even further....go to step three...

3.  Nose to nose repeat this sentence - remember your energy must be calm and assertive, not angry.  "Either stop this now or I will stop it for you."  If they don't stop, then you must go to number four.

4.  This is for the most extreme cases of red zone behavior.  I call this the love wrap.  You sit down and put them in your lap.  Wrap your arms around their arms and chest.  You must not pull or stretch their arms. You are just holding them in place.  Wrap your legs over their legs so they can't kick.  Calmly and assertively continue repeating this sentence...."I love you very much but this behavior is unacceptable.  I cannot allow you to continue this behavior.  You must calm down.  I won't release you until you calm down."

This is important....you must follow through and stick it out.  As long as they are in the red zone you must stay with them.  No matter how exhausting for you, you must NOT give up on your child.  If you give up on this exercise...you child will never believe you again and will continue to test your boundaries and limits. 

I always try to get control of a child at home.  You don't want to allow your child to suffer from a low self-esteem because you tried to control him in front of others.  When I was challenged in a store, I left my buggy and immediately took him to the car so we could deal with his behavior in private.  I also NEVER reprimanded a child in public.  If my child was misbehaving say at a birthday party, I took him to a private bathroom to deal with his behavior - never in front of others. 

Your goal is to have your child learn social graces and have good experiences with others.  If he feels frustrated and embarrassed every time he goes into a social situation, it will take him 20 times longer to master the skill.

One last comparison to Cesar.  He makes a big point of releasing the leash the moment you get the desired behavior.  It's the same with children.  If your child has escalated to the red zone and you followed through with any level - once he calms down, you should release your grip.  Your face should turn to a smile and the verbal training should begin.

"I love you so much.  I can't allow bad behavior.  It's not good for our relationship and it will hurt your relationship with others.  Some people may not like you if you can't act properly in a social situation.  I promise you, that if you do what I'm asking - it won't hurt and you will have better friends, more fun and someday a better family of your own.  I'm very proud of you and the fact that you settled down.  You can do this, I know you can....."  and on and on.  Give lots of hugs and smiles.  Your child must know that you are proud of the fact that he's calmed down.

Cesar loves to say that most of the time it's not the dogs he trains, but the owners.  Don't be afraid to confront your child and take leadership of your home.  Just like the transformation of dogs on his show, I personally know and have witnessed that same quick transformation of children once they know that you are their calm assertive leader.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Primal Instinct in dogs and in children

For decades I've promoted what I believe is fact - "Children naturally want to obey their parents".
I don't believe that children naturally want to disobey.  I believe when a newborn receives care from adults that as he/she grows the natural response is to desire praise from those same adults.  It's only when the parent breaks the bond that you will see major problems.

Yes, if you are a Christian, we believe that children are born into a sinful world and that we do have sinful desires.  But....children can be trained to ignore those desires.  Without training and a parent's guidance, children do not have the tools to resist temptation.

Contemporary psychology tries to sell the idea that parents have no control when it comes to teaching their children how to resist temptation and live better lives.  It's much easier for psychologists and parents to just "give up" rather than try to help/change their children.  I also believe when a parents gives up their child will recognize negative "energy" and their response will also be negative.  At that point with no real leadership....a child will not only feel anxious but attempt to fill the void of leadership by taking over.

Anytime I'm faced with a difference of opinion, I try to be a detective and ask tough questions.  If helping a child move beyond temptations negative energy is impossible - why are so many people successful in training their children to do better?  For example, many parents fail at helping their children socially - yet that same child is "trained" to make grades a priority.  What's the difference?  Some children are disrespectful to parents but can contain their speech and actions when reacting to grandparents who may give them an inheritance.  Why is money a motivator and love isn't?

Anytime you ignore a "Primal" trait, the waters get muddy.  Listen to what Cesar says in his book Cesar's Way.  "As diverse as they are, the dogs work together as a pack.  Their deepest, most primal instinct guides them to follow me, their "pack leader," to obey me, and to cooperate with one another.  And each time we go through this exercise (a morning run), I am more closely bonded with them.  This is how nature intended a dog pack to work."

That leads me to ask the question, "How does God intend a family pack to work?"  Proverbs 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.  It doesn't get much clearer than that.  When we are presented with a child, we are responsible.  Parents determine the outcome of that life.  We must train that child.  That includes every area of his life.  If we want our children to follow, obey and cooperate - we must be calm, assertive and trustworthy parents or pack leaders. 

In my book, Discipline Exposed, I insist that one of the biggest issues in childhood rebellion is that our children have been taught by our actions that we can't be trusted.  When they loose faith in our ability to be trusted or to lead - they will rebel and go their own way.

The biggest Primal Instinct in your child is this......They want to trust you to guide them, to protect them and to be their leader.  Have you ever watched a child's face as they brag on their parent? 

When was the last time your child could brag on you?  Not just because you gave him a toy or gave her a time with friends - but when have your children bragged on your character, your wisdom or your talent?  If your child has a hard time doing this, you are not fulfilling his primal need. 

How can you get back to that primal need? 

1.  Bond with them.  Do things outside of the "no" world like playing a game, taking a walk, watching a movie together, eating together, talking about some current event or even just shopping together.  They may not admit it to their friends, but they want to be close to you.

2.  If you've let them down in any way - apologize and don't ever go there again.  Nothing is worth letting your child down or breaking a promise.  No job, friend, class or amount of money is worth losing the respect of your child.

3.  Make sure they can trust you and your word.

4.  Discuss every issue in a calm assertive way.  Leave your emotions out of the problem and discuss the facts and the validity of right and wrong in the matter.

5.  It takes 10 compliments to cancel out one negative statement.  Make sure you do the math and don't contribute to an overly negative home.

6.  Always let them know how much you love them and that you want them to be part of your life.  Be interested in their lives, desires, hopes and dreams.  Get to know your children.

There are many ways to create a bond....but hopefully these will get you started.  Remember your child wants you to be the leader and your child wants to obey.  Give him a chance to show you reciprocal love.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Imbalanced children are in a state of panic

Last time we talked about how your child needs to trust you in order to have balance.  Why does "total" trust stop or redirect imbalance?

Imagine you have just been mugged.  You had three thousand dollars cash in your purse and you were on your way to buy a used car for your son.  He needs a car so he can work part time and earn money for college.  Your dreams and plans have just been derailed and to top it off, the mugger broke your arm and you won't be able to work for 6 weeks.  Hysteria takes over and you are out of control. 

The police officer grabs your shoulders and gives you a quick shake.  "Ma'am, Ma'am, snap out of it."  For some, that may be all that is needed.  Others will continue the hysteria.  Let's say you are one of those.  In order to get you to calm down, your husband reaches over and punches you on the arm.  "Debbie...snap out of it!"  You hit back and it becomes a free for all.  A policewoman enters the picture and grabs you from behind so you can't move your arms.  She forces you into a chair, hugs you tightly and calmly and forcefully speaks into your ear, "Its okay, we will take care of this.  You will be fine.  Calm down.  We can't help you unless you are calm."  She doesn't let go until you calm down. 

What's happening here?  The policewoman is taking over the situation.  She isn't angry, she isn't aggressive, she's providing "calm assertive energy".  She's telling you by her voice, her energy and her leadership that you can trust her and it's okay to relax. 

That's trust.  That's what you need to do with your children.  They need to understand that no matter what the situation, you will be able to be the leader and that you "DO" know best.  They need to trust that you won't deal with them in anger or frustration.  There needs to be a non-verbal understanding that you need their respect and trust in order for you to provide a calm atmosphere....and that you promise never to let them down.

Trust and Training will provide a calm atmosphere.  But....as Cesar says....you must first believe that you are "in charge" or in the role of "pack leader".  If you don't truly believe you are the leader - neither will your children!

Remember....there is a difference in being in control (pack leader) and being a dictator.  Being a pack leader doesn't mean that you take away your child's freedom to have an opinion.  Being in control simply means that you have rules, boundaries and that you both will work to deserve each other's respect.

All of this happens non-verbally before any instructions or demands are made. 

As Cesar says.....you can't lead if you are weaker than they are.  Any situation demands a leader and if you abdicate that leadership, they will instantly take over.  When parents allow a child to become the leader, they won't ever be able to control or redirect their behavior.

Set boundaries, give support and comfort, be in control and respect your child's needs.  These are some of the things that must be in place in order to have a calm relationship with your child.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Your Child must TRUST you!

For years I've watched parents struggle with their children.  I knew their parenting skills seemed disjointed and weak, but how could I explain my talent for calming stressful situations?  How could I teach them to be like me?

I've often walked into a situation when a child was out of control and within minutes he's sitting quietly in my lap.  What was the difference and how could I explain that to the parents?

Most of the time parents want to dismiss my abilities by claiming that any "stranger" could gain control simply because they were "new" to the situation.  In other words, children only disobey when they feel comfortable with someone.

That excuse didn't ring true but I couldn't put my finger on the underlying cause.  It wasn't until I watched several episodes of The Dog Whisperer that it all clicked.  Cesar Millan calls the talent "calm assertive energy."  This works with dogs because they watch their masters for clues.  They have to  watch their surroundings in order to survive.  They can't talk, can't write and can't read.  The only way they can determine the right thing to do in any situation is to watch the "clues" given by their master's (or pack leader) tone, body language and attitude or "energy". 

Wow!  Guess what....until your child can write, read or talk....they are watching you for clues.  And even after they can write, read or talk....your clues are still permeating the air around them. 

Want proof?  Work yourself into a nervous frenzy about your child taking his first step and imagine him falling and poking his eye out.  Hold your hands out nervously repeating the words over and over, "you are going to hurt yourself if you try to walk."  Jerk your hand away when he reaches for you and see how quickly he will recoil and not be sure of what he wants to try.

The only reason our children try anything new is because we provide "positive" energy and support.  When my children were babies my next door neighbor had her first child - or so I thought.  She called me in a panic.  "He's crying because he doesn't like me.  I don't know what to do!"  Luckily Ron was home so I rushed right over.  The baby was only a week old and mom looked absolutely frazzled. 

"Watch!" She screamed.  She picked up her quiet child and he began to scream.  She handed him to me and he immediately calmed down.  I continued to hold the infant and sent her to bed for a nap.  She said she hadn't slept for two days and that he cried most of the time.  I diapered and fed the baby, sang him to sleep and put him down for a nap as well.  I called my mom to come get my own children and settled in to spend the day with my neighbor. 

When my neighbor woke I explained that children can feel stress in your hands.  We talked for a bit and I learned that she had lost twins.  One at birth and one to SIDS.  She was terrified of losing this baby as well.  He had been given a clean bill of health and there was no reason to believe that he would have any problems. 

I explained that she would have to "assure" her child through her "touch" that she was in complete control.  In other words....her baby had to be able to TRUST her to provide for him and protect him from any harm.  He would be judging her abilities by the way she handled him - or in Cesar's terms - by her Calm Assertive Energy.  All day we practiced breathing techniques, being honest with herself about her previous children and being calm when she picked him up.  By the end of the day she was able to diaper and hold him with confidence.  The crying stopped and days later I received roses with a note - "He's the best baby in the world - thank you."  The truth is that he was always the best baby.  He hadn't changed - she had.

If your primary concern is work and rushing around - your child will pick up on it and act accordingly.

If your primary concern is quiet - or stay out of my way -  your child will pick up on it and act accordingly.


If your primary concern is not fairness within the family but rather silence so you can watch TV - your child will pick up on it and act accordingly.


If your primary concern is rest at the end of the day rather than spending time with your child - your child will pick up on it and act accordingly.


Your child must TRUST that he is the most important thing in your world, that you want him there, that you know what you are doing and that you can be trusted to help him have the best life possible.
 
If you can't convey that to your child - your child will not respect or honor your directions.  He will try to take over and rule the roost.  He will be out of control in his demands. 
 
If you don't know how to do this parenting thing - STOP - don't keep stabbing in the dark.  Take some classes, read a book, educate yourself so you can be the (pack leader) Leader of your family and your children. Maybe you should even watch a few episodes of The Dog Whisperer.  Then start your training with my book, Discipline Exposed and become the parent your children can trust! Or, write me for help. 
 
Good parenting demands complete TRUST between you and your child. 
 
Seeking His Wisdom,
 
Debbie

What do children "really" need?

In Cesar's first book, "Cesar's book" he talks about how much his dogs have meant to him. 

" I owe a lot to dogs.  Obviously, I owe my livelihood to them, but my gratitude goes much deeper.  I owe my balance to dogs.  I owe my experience of unconditional love to dogs and, as a boy, my ability to overcome loneliness.  I owe my understanding of family to dogs, and they have helped me learn to be a better more balanced "pack leader" with my wife for our kids.  Dogs give us so much, but what do we really give them in return?  A place to sleep, food, affection...but is that enough for them?  They are so pure and unselfish in sharing their lives with us.  Can't we take a deeper look inside their minds and hearts to discover what they really want?"

Doesn't that remind you of children?  We learn so much from them.  Balanced children are understanding, give unconditional love, provide companionship, are unselfish and innocent in their view of the world.  Unfortunately, unbalanced children are just the opposite.  They argue, cry, pitch temper tantrums, seem to be anti-social and can act out at the most inconvenient times. 

All of us want children that not only will add to our lives but will grow to have wonderful lives of their own.  So....what causes a balanced newborn to turn into an unbalanced toddler or preschooler?  What causes a sweet two-year old to turn into a rebellious ten year old? 

That's what we will be discovering in the next few weeks.  For now, let's take a look at the needs of your child.  As Cesar said about dogs...."What do we give them in return?"  That applies to children as well.  They can have all sorts of toys and items that we think they might like, but if we miss one of their internal needs, imbalance will occur.

Our first lesson will be "Trust".  If your child can't trust you to be everything she needs, to research and promote Truth....your child will feel frightened and will react improperly. 

Check back and I'll explain how important TRUST is to your child.  Until then, ask yourself if your child can trust you 100% to do the right thing. 

You can find even more information about trust in my book, Discipline Exposed.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie