I've often walked into a situation when a child was out of control and within minutes he's sitting quietly in my lap. What was the difference and how could I explain that to the parents?
Most of the time parents want to dismiss my abilities by claiming that any "stranger" could gain control simply because they were "new" to the situation. In other words, children only disobey when they feel comfortable with someone.
That excuse didn't ring true but I couldn't put my finger on the underlying cause. It wasn't until I watched several episodes of The Dog Whisperer that it all clicked. Cesar Millan calls the talent "calm assertive energy." This works with dogs because they watch their masters for clues. They have to watch their surroundings in order to survive. They can't talk, can't write and can't read. The only way they can determine the right thing to do in any situation is to watch the "clues" given by their master's (or pack leader) tone, body language and attitude or "energy".
Wow! Guess what....until your child can write, read or talk....they are watching you for clues. And even after they can write, read or talk....your clues are still permeating the air around them.
Want proof? Work yourself into a nervous frenzy about your child taking his first step and imagine him falling and poking his eye out. Hold your hands out nervously repeating the words over and over, "you are going to hurt yourself if you try to walk." Jerk your hand away when he reaches for you and see how quickly he will recoil and not be sure of what he wants to try.
The only reason our children try anything new is because we provide "positive" energy and support. When my children were babies my next door neighbor had her first child - or so I thought. She called me in a panic. "He's crying because he doesn't like me. I don't know what to do!" Luckily Ron was home so I rushed right over. The baby was only a week old and mom looked absolutely frazzled.
"Watch!" She screamed. She picked up her quiet child and he began to scream. She handed him to me and he immediately calmed down. I continued to hold the infant and sent her to bed for a nap. She said she hadn't slept for two days and that he cried most of the time. I diapered and fed the baby, sang him to sleep and put him down for a nap as well. I called my mom to come get my own children and settled in to spend the day with my neighbor.
When my neighbor woke I explained that children can feel stress in your hands. We talked for a bit and I learned that she had lost twins. One at birth and one to SIDS. She was terrified of losing this baby as well. He had been given a clean bill of health and there was no reason to believe that he would have any problems.
I explained that she would have to "assure" her child through her "touch" that she was in complete control. In other words....her baby had to be able to TRUST her to provide for him and protect him from any harm. He would be judging her abilities by the way she handled him - or in Cesar's terms - by her Calm Assertive Energy. All day we practiced breathing techniques, being honest with herself about her previous children and being calm when she picked him up. By the end of the day she was able to diaper and hold him with confidence. The crying stopped and days later I received roses with a note - "He's the best baby in the world - thank you." The truth is that he was always the best baby. He hadn't changed - she had.
If your primary concern is work and rushing around - your child will pick up on it and act accordingly.
If your primary concern is quiet - or stay out of my way - your child will pick up on it and act accordingly.
If your primary concern is not fairness within the family but rather silence so you can watch TV - your child will pick up on it and act accordingly.
If your primary concern is rest at the end of the day rather than spending time with your child - your child will pick up on it and act accordingly.
Your child must TRUST that he is the most important thing in your world, that you want him there, that you know what you are doing and that you can be trusted to help him have the best life possible.
If you can't convey that to your child - your child will not respect or honor your directions. He will try to take over and rule the roost. He will be out of control in his demands.
If you don't know how to do this parenting thing - STOP - don't keep stabbing in the dark. Take some classes, read a book, educate yourself so you can be the (pack leader) Leader of your family and your children. Maybe you should even watch a few episodes of The Dog Whisperer. Then start your training with my book, Discipline Exposed and become the parent your children can trust! Or, write me for help.
Good parenting demands complete TRUST between you and your child.
Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie
No comments:
Post a Comment