Imbalanced children are in a state of panic

Last time we talked about how your child needs to trust you in order to have balance.  Why does "total" trust stop or redirect imbalance?

Imagine you have just been mugged.  You had three thousand dollars cash in your purse and you were on your way to buy a used car for your son.  He needs a car so he can work part time and earn money for college.  Your dreams and plans have just been derailed and to top it off, the mugger broke your arm and you won't be able to work for 6 weeks.  Hysteria takes over and you are out of control. 

The police officer grabs your shoulders and gives you a quick shake.  "Ma'am, Ma'am, snap out of it."  For some, that may be all that is needed.  Others will continue the hysteria.  Let's say you are one of those.  In order to get you to calm down, your husband reaches over and punches you on the arm.  "Debbie...snap out of it!"  You hit back and it becomes a free for all.  A policewoman enters the picture and grabs you from behind so you can't move your arms.  She forces you into a chair, hugs you tightly and calmly and forcefully speaks into your ear, "Its okay, we will take care of this.  You will be fine.  Calm down.  We can't help you unless you are calm."  She doesn't let go until you calm down. 

What's happening here?  The policewoman is taking over the situation.  She isn't angry, she isn't aggressive, she's providing "calm assertive energy".  She's telling you by her voice, her energy and her leadership that you can trust her and it's okay to relax. 

That's trust.  That's what you need to do with your children.  They need to understand that no matter what the situation, you will be able to be the leader and that you "DO" know best.  They need to trust that you won't deal with them in anger or frustration.  There needs to be a non-verbal understanding that you need their respect and trust in order for you to provide a calm atmosphere....and that you promise never to let them down.

Trust and Training will provide a calm atmosphere.  But....as Cesar says....you must first believe that you are "in charge" or in the role of "pack leader".  If you don't truly believe you are the leader - neither will your children!

Remember....there is a difference in being in control (pack leader) and being a dictator.  Being a pack leader doesn't mean that you take away your child's freedom to have an opinion.  Being in control simply means that you have rules, boundaries and that you both will work to deserve each other's respect.

All of this happens non-verbally before any instructions or demands are made. 

As Cesar says.....you can't lead if you are weaker than they are.  Any situation demands a leader and if you abdicate that leadership, they will instantly take over.  When parents allow a child to become the leader, they won't ever be able to control or redirect their behavior.

Set boundaries, give support and comfort, be in control and respect your child's needs.  These are some of the things that must be in place in order to have a calm relationship with your child.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Your Child must TRUST you!

For years I've watched parents struggle with their children.  I knew their parenting skills seemed disjointed and weak, but how could I explain my talent for calming stressful situations?  How could I teach them to be like me?

I've often walked into a situation when a child was out of control and within minutes he's sitting quietly in my lap.  What was the difference and how could I explain that to the parents?

Most of the time parents want to dismiss my abilities by claiming that any "stranger" could gain control simply because they were "new" to the situation.  In other words, children only disobey when they feel comfortable with someone.

That excuse didn't ring true but I couldn't put my finger on the underlying cause.  It wasn't until I watched several episodes of The Dog Whisperer that it all clicked.  Cesar Millan calls the talent "calm assertive energy."  This works with dogs because they watch their masters for clues.  They have to  watch their surroundings in order to survive.  They can't talk, can't write and can't read.  The only way they can determine the right thing to do in any situation is to watch the "clues" given by their master's (or pack leader) tone, body language and attitude or "energy". 

Wow!  Guess what....until your child can write, read or talk....they are watching you for clues.  And even after they can write, read or talk....your clues are still permeating the air around them. 

Want proof?  Work yourself into a nervous frenzy about your child taking his first step and imagine him falling and poking his eye out.  Hold your hands out nervously repeating the words over and over, "you are going to hurt yourself if you try to walk."  Jerk your hand away when he reaches for you and see how quickly he will recoil and not be sure of what he wants to try.

The only reason our children try anything new is because we provide "positive" energy and support.  When my children were babies my next door neighbor had her first child - or so I thought.  She called me in a panic.  "He's crying because he doesn't like me.  I don't know what to do!"  Luckily Ron was home so I rushed right over.  The baby was only a week old and mom looked absolutely frazzled. 

"Watch!" She screamed.  She picked up her quiet child and he began to scream.  She handed him to me and he immediately calmed down.  I continued to hold the infant and sent her to bed for a nap.  She said she hadn't slept for two days and that he cried most of the time.  I diapered and fed the baby, sang him to sleep and put him down for a nap as well.  I called my mom to come get my own children and settled in to spend the day with my neighbor. 

When my neighbor woke I explained that children can feel stress in your hands.  We talked for a bit and I learned that she had lost twins.  One at birth and one to SIDS.  She was terrified of losing this baby as well.  He had been given a clean bill of health and there was no reason to believe that he would have any problems. 

I explained that she would have to "assure" her child through her "touch" that she was in complete control.  In other words....her baby had to be able to TRUST her to provide for him and protect him from any harm.  He would be judging her abilities by the way she handled him - or in Cesar's terms - by her Calm Assertive Energy.  All day we practiced breathing techniques, being honest with herself about her previous children and being calm when she picked him up.  By the end of the day she was able to diaper and hold him with confidence.  The crying stopped and days later I received roses with a note - "He's the best baby in the world - thank you."  The truth is that he was always the best baby.  He hadn't changed - she had.

If your primary concern is work and rushing around - your child will pick up on it and act accordingly.

If your primary concern is quiet - or stay out of my way -  your child will pick up on it and act accordingly.


If your primary concern is not fairness within the family but rather silence so you can watch TV - your child will pick up on it and act accordingly.


If your primary concern is rest at the end of the day rather than spending time with your child - your child will pick up on it and act accordingly.


Your child must TRUST that he is the most important thing in your world, that you want him there, that you know what you are doing and that you can be trusted to help him have the best life possible.
 
If you can't convey that to your child - your child will not respect or honor your directions.  He will try to take over and rule the roost.  He will be out of control in his demands. 
 
If you don't know how to do this parenting thing - STOP - don't keep stabbing in the dark.  Take some classes, read a book, educate yourself so you can be the (pack leader) Leader of your family and your children. Maybe you should even watch a few episodes of The Dog Whisperer.  Then start your training with my book, Discipline Exposed and become the parent your children can trust! Or, write me for help. 
 
Good parenting demands complete TRUST between you and your child. 
 
Seeking His Wisdom,
 
Debbie

What do children "really" need?

In Cesar's first book, "Cesar's book" he talks about how much his dogs have meant to him. 

" I owe a lot to dogs.  Obviously, I owe my livelihood to them, but my gratitude goes much deeper.  I owe my balance to dogs.  I owe my experience of unconditional love to dogs and, as a boy, my ability to overcome loneliness.  I owe my understanding of family to dogs, and they have helped me learn to be a better more balanced "pack leader" with my wife for our kids.  Dogs give us so much, but what do we really give them in return?  A place to sleep, food, affection...but is that enough for them?  They are so pure and unselfish in sharing their lives with us.  Can't we take a deeper look inside their minds and hearts to discover what they really want?"

Doesn't that remind you of children?  We learn so much from them.  Balanced children are understanding, give unconditional love, provide companionship, are unselfish and innocent in their view of the world.  Unfortunately, unbalanced children are just the opposite.  They argue, cry, pitch temper tantrums, seem to be anti-social and can act out at the most inconvenient times. 

All of us want children that not only will add to our lives but will grow to have wonderful lives of their own.  So....what causes a balanced newborn to turn into an unbalanced toddler or preschooler?  What causes a sweet two-year old to turn into a rebellious ten year old? 

That's what we will be discovering in the next few weeks.  For now, let's take a look at the needs of your child.  As Cesar said about dogs...."What do we give them in return?"  That applies to children as well.  They can have all sorts of toys and items that we think they might like, but if we miss one of their internal needs, imbalance will occur.

Our first lesson will be "Trust".  If your child can't trust you to be everything she needs, to research and promote Truth....your child will feel frightened and will react improperly. 

Check back and I'll explain how important TRUST is to your child.  Until then, ask yourself if your child can trust you 100% to do the right thing. 

You can find even more information about trust in my book, Discipline Exposed.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Bribing your children....

I watch Fox and Friends in the morning.  Since I'm still homebound and recovering from surgery, I shouldn't get out in the rain for church.  I miss not being in church on Palm Sunday so I plan to watch the movie "King of Kings".  It's an old one from the 60's but it's extremely good.  I would recommend it over "The Passion of the Christ" especially if you have small children.  The Crucifixion is vivid, but not as violent as The Passion.

Anyway....one of the commentators was reviewing a new book about "bribing your children".  I thought you might like to read my response to the issue.

Children should receive praises and positive reinforcement for good behavior. After all....adults receive positive reinforcement all the time. Your paycheck is a positive reinforcement. While the author does make a point that children should learn to give of their own free will, even adults don't do that all the time.  While adults try to be mindful of others needs, not many people would work as hard as they do if they didn't receive a paycheck. Would you continue to work at your job for free?  Think about the times you feel your boss has been unfair and refused to give you a raise.  You didn't offer to step up your work if he wasn't going to "give acceptable positive reinforcement" for the increased work. 

We also receive positive reinforcement in the form of kisses, compliments and little gifts. What woman would continue to do the little extras if her husband took her for granted or refused to plant a well deserved kiss on her cheek for presenting a nice supper?  To say that adults don't receive positive reinforcement for good deeds is just wrong.  We love the positive reinforcement of compliments and often we are guilty of ending relationships that don't provide "good feelings".
Positive reinforcement should be given while a child is young in order to "train" them. It mimics the same feeling you get when you do something from your heart. As the child grows...you "phase" out the positive reinforcement as it is replaced with "pleasure" of a job well done.
The author also felt that giving a lot of compliments and gifts for a job well done would lead your child to believe that the world should always do that as well.  Most children attending daycare or elementary school will quickly learn that isn't so.  If he hasn't, a parent can quickly point out that the word doesn't reward in the same way family does.  The home should be different from the world.  We need to provide a "safe" place for our children to receive love and training that they wouldn't receive from the world.  If we are no different from the world, why would God have charged us to provide loving care, protection and guidance for their lives?

It has been proven that it takes at least 10 positive statements to wipe out the effects of one negative statement in our brain.  A parent and loving family should be truthful in their compliments and not exaggerate them....but we must counter act the effects of a very negative society in order to develop a balanced child. 

Bribing for the sake of immediate compliance with the rules is not going to work long term. But...a well thought out plan of positive reinforcement in order to achieve "Motivation" will always work - not only when children are young, but also when they are adults.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Children are NOT dogs.....right?

One of the most important statements I make when doing a class on parenting is....

"Children are not dogs, but many parents treat them as dogs.  All a dog needs to be happy is food, water, play times and healthcare.  If we provide that, we receive a loyal puppy that brings us many hours of fun and companionship.  Unfortunately, children must be trained and their love for us is not dependent on simply caring for them.  Still, most parents think if they provide a nice home, clothes, healthcare and plenty of money for the fun stuff....that children will reach the age of 13 and love them forever.  When this doesn't happen parents can slip into despair."

About nine months ago I began following The Dog Whisperer on the National Geographic Channel.  Cesar Millan believes that dogs can't be happy or content with their masters unless they are properly trained.  Watching The Dog Whisperer is like watching Supernanny only with dogs.  Dogs that are out of control with habits or aggression can be turned around in just one day long session with Cesar. 

This process is fascinating to me.  Mainly because I've also done this with children.  Children that are out of control with their parents can spend a day with me and lose many of their bad habits.  Unfortunately most parents would rather insist that it's simply because I'm a new face and not that they need to change their parenting techniques.  I have always been positive that it was more than just a new face....but I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. 

After watching many hours of Cesar and his techniques - I understand why I can get children to obey when parents can't.  Children are NOT dogs....but they do have the talent to "read" a parent's energy much like a dog can.  And...children will always respond to that energy in the same way a dog does.

Want proof?  Think about when your child chooses to act out.  Yes, he may be tired or hungry or just out of sorts....but more than likely that is also when you have had a tough day and you desperately need his cooperation.  You are also tired and weary and instead of being "calm and assertive" you respond with anger and frustration which in turn brings on a meltdown by your child. 

I was pretty sure I was on to something but not quite ready to share it with you.  I continued to watch the Dog Whisperer and found myself yelling at the tube with comments like, "YES! That's what I do for kids."  or "That's right...that's what parents should do."

It wasn't until I bought his first book, "Cesar's Way" and was half way through the introduction that I started smiling.  On page four he states, "After applying my techniques, you may even begin to understand yourself better.  You'll look at your own behavior in a different light, and may find yourself changing the ways you interact with your children, your spouse, or your boss.  After all, humans are pack animals, too!"

Just a few sentences later he introduced a letter form The Capino Family. 

"Dear Cesar,
Thank you so much for your show.....The funny thing is you've changed me and my family's life and we don't even own a dog.  I'm a 41-year-old mother of 2 (5&6).  I was having a terrible time disciplining them (I learned they had no boundaries and limitations).  My kids were pushing me around, literally, in public places and at home.  And then I saw your show.
Since then I have trained myself to become a more assertive parent, using a more authority energy, demanding my space as an authority figure.......My life has changed and so have they.  To my amazement, my children have become more disciplined (and there's less fighting) and I found they actually like responsibilities and chores.....You have not only taught humans about their dogs, you have taught humans about themselves."


WOW!  There's a lot we have to learn.  So....I hope you will join me for a series called "The Child Whisperer" where we will discuss some of Cesar's techniques and see how they apply to parenting. 

I am sure this series will show you how to do exactly what I would do if I came to your home!

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

"NO" is not a bad word....

I'm recuperating from reconstructive surgery on my foot.  While eating lunch I turned on Fox news.  Megan Kelly was debating the new banned video by Beonce and GaGa.  She asked her guest why we should ban this video when we give the "artistic" label to other forms of art that are just as bad if not worse.

This is an issue that every parent needs to deal with before you even have a child.  Since your child will be subjected to the world, you need to have a plan to explain the irresponsible acts that he/she will encounter.  Don't believe the argument that artists are somehow above the "good taste" rules or the common sense rules of civility.  Don't believe the lie that they are somehow above the laws that govern pornography. "No" is a good word that should apply to artists.

I believe in censorship.  I don't believe that anyone has the right to spew any type of language, art or philosophies just because they are screaming "freedom of speech".  That was not the intent of the first amendment rights of free speech.  I believe in logical censorship, not because I don't want freedom, but because of Edmund Burke.  He said this:

"All that evil needs to exist is that good men do nothing."

Yes Edmund, I believe that.  I've also looked at the evidence that overwhelmingly supports the idea that art does NOT represent society but rather influences society.   

For example, while there will always be evil in the world - we do help it grow when we highlight it and give support to it's supposedly "artistic" substance.  If you expose a child to porn, he won't move away from it when he's older he will gravitate toward it.  Because he has been taught to accept it...he will push the envelope farther and farther.

Ask yourself this question....Why have our children lost their innocence?  Is it because our churches have failed them?  Is it because of bad parenting?  Is it because movies, songs, art etc. have opened up the world of sexuality too early and tried to involve children in acts that shouldn't even be practiced by adults?

You can't raise your child in a bubble.  You can't protect them from every outside source.  But you can teach decency, proper timelines for sexuality and love.  You can teach them that while sex is a part of our lives - it should not consume us.  Having a healthy sex life does not mean that you are involved in those thoughts every waking hour.  Sex can become an addiction that will keep you from finding and succeeding at your God given purpose in life. 

We must teach our children right from wrong and make our case for a "pure" life.  

Another bit of news tells me that parents are not fulfilling their teaching roles.  MTV now has an online program that children can go to and ask if an action they are about to do is something good or bad.  MTV?  Really?  That's who is going to instruct our children on values?  That's who is going to tell your child if drugs, sex, fighting or any other action is okay? 

If you want to stop the mental assault on our children - Be the parent God has called you to be! 

"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."

Proverbs 22:6

Seeking His Wisdom,
 
Debbie