Principles of Parenting - class 4

Have you laid out a plan for your parenting?  Do you know what you want to accomplish?  That's all important and it's something you must do....but it leads us to the all important question....HOW? 

Why do so many children get crazy in pre-teen and teen years?  Why does it seem that the odds are against us?  There are still a few families around that produce stable, healthy, smart children who carry on the lifestyles of their parents.  What makes the difference?  Even in liberal homes there are a few children who seem to love their parents.  Likewise there are children in very strict homes that seem to be happy.  How can you tell if you are doing it right? 

It's all about the mental slant of your parenting.  What?

If you decide that you want to set up a strict list of house rules that your child must obey - you are probably assuming that your child will stay out of trouble and be a model child.  But....like I said in the last class.  This can be disastrous and your child may run screaming from your house.  He may reject all of your ideas, go out on his own and strive to be as opposite as possible.  Then again, he may withdraw into a make believe world where on the outside he is a compliant sweet person.  Unfortunately, on the inside he is full of pain, sorrow, frustrations - possibly anger and can never reach his full potential in life because of his hangups. 

The key to being sure that your child respects you and your ideas means you can't be concerned with the outside. 

If a child is demanded to keep rules without understanding why those rules are in place, without accepting and questioning their purpose - then the moment he leaves the parent, he will do what he wants and not observe the rule.  After all, he doesn't believe in it and sees it as a frustration and nonsense. 

For example.....how many children have you known that have rules at home - and they follow them --but once they leave the house, they are totally different.  They not only break the rules - they shatter them.

Have you ever asked yourself why?  Why would they obey the rules at home and then break them once they leave home?    Most parents have been conditioned by progressive psychologist to believe that children just can't help themselves.  They can't possibly control their own bodies or actions and therefore when they leave their controlling parents they will naturally break the rules. 

DON'T BELIEVE THAT LIE!

The reason children don't follow the rules while away from their parents presence is because - THEY DON'T BELIEVE YOU TOLD THEM THE TRUTH!  All their friends are telling them otherwise.  Since you haven't been truthful about other things - they are sure you aren't being truthful about this rule. 

AGAIN....the challenge is yours.  You have three main goals to accomplish.

1.  You must capture your child's heart.  You must be close to him, be concerned about his problems, his needs.  He must be number one in your life.  You must take whatever time is necessary to assure him that you will be there to help him with whatever problem he has.  You must bond.  Be fun, be caring, be loving, be strong, be decisive, be the leader, be knowledgeable, be trustworthy, be honest.  You must build a relationship that elevates you to be respected enough to be your child's mentor.

2.  You must explain everything.  Not just what you would do - but why you do it.  You must make him feel like you are two loving souls on a quest together.  He must feel that it's not about you controlling him but rather about both of you finding out the truth together.  If it's right for him to follow rules then you must follow them too - or face the consequences for not.  Every decision must be based on what's right and on your goal to have the best life possible.  It can never be based on what you personally like - but only on what you know to be true.  YOU are the great debater and Your greatest goal is to "Convince" not force your child into following the rules.  That doesn't mean you negotiate - or abdicate responsibility for deciding the rules to your child.  Nor is a child in a position to negotiate a rule that's in place. (At least not without following the procedure for changing a rule)  It simply means that you help your child understand and accept with his whole heart why that rule is in place. 

The Key to good parenting and loving discipline is to be so convincing and to help your child so completely understand your rule that he will look at it and say,  "Okay...I understand that.  You're right.  I see why that's stupid and I don't want to do that either."  Of course He won't say that while he's a child - but you can tell when it's taking place.  Once your child accepts that the rule is something he doesn't want in his own life - your work is done.  Once he believes in the rule - it's his and he will follow it.  As long as he's only doing it for you - he never owns it and the minute you walk away he will break the rule. 

In other words - you must Parent from within.  You are trying to capture the heart and beliefs of your child.  You are trying to convince him to pick up your beliefs and lifestyle and make it his own choice.

3.  You must be willing to see his side at all times.  If you can only grasp your own side, he can't trust you. If you can't understand his pain, he can't respect you.  You must have his respect in order to capture his heart.  You will have to constantly research your own ideas and be sure you are asking for proper actions and that you can support those requests with proof.  And you can't possess the truth unless your have looked at all sides of the problem.  You must consider his side, his friend's side, your parent's side, God's side, your own feelings and yes...even society's side.  Only after you've looked at the problem and investigated every inch can you say with authority - Here's the truth! 

YOU WILL NEVER BE ALLOWED TO USE THE PARENT CUSS WORDS.... "BECAUSE I SAY SO!"

What does that mean anyway?  Because I say so.  What...now you are the only boss on the planet?  I don't have a voice or a life?  Am I your slave?  

You will never be allowed to demand a ruling without providing proof.  You will have to provide logical reasons to support each demand. 

You must also search out and define every feeling you have.  There may be times when you will have to stand before your child and admit that the feelings you are having are totally emotional and have no basis in fact.  You may have to ask your child to understand you and to support you and to help you deal with the situation.     But....if you do, if you open up as much as you hope your child will open up - you will build respect.  You will prove to him that you are on a quest together - to find the best life possible!

Now that's powerful parenting!

Seeking his wisdom,

Debbie

Seeking His Wisdom, Debbie

NEWS ALERT !!!

Check back later this evening for Class 3 in our "Principles of Parenting" class.

For now....I have a huge NEWS ALERT !!!

Your job as parent just got harder.  Today Harper Collins announced plans to release a new social app on the i-pad.

"The apps makes it possible for readers to share their highlighted text from a book on Twitter or Facebook, along with their comments, related photos and videos. Private groups can also be created for more of a book-club feel.  The first book to become socialized in this manner will be the Bible (published by HarperCollins). In this way, the Bible could be illustrated with depictions from paintings and other art, as well as video clips from Biblical movies."Bible as a social book

This means that you will have to be very involved in "where" your child gets their information about God's word.  You will also need to save all those old Bibles.  One word change or a sentence that's dropped can totally change the meaning of the scriptures we've studied so carefully. 

I'm thinking we need to start more scripture learning clubs in churches like "Bible Quiz teams".  Our church promotes this and the teams actually compete across the state. 

Knowing the intent and the actual scripture has saved me many times from getting in trouble.  I pray tonight that you will consider Psalms 119 very carefully.

Verses 1-11 Blessed are they whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the LORD.  Blessed are they who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart.  They do nothing wrong; they walk in his ways.  You have laid down precepts that are to be fully obeyed.  Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees!  Then I would not be put to shame when I consider all your commands.  I will praise you with an upright heart as I learn your righteous laws.  I will obey your decrees; do not utterly forsake me.


How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word.  I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.  I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.

Make sure you help your child "Hide God's word in his heart that he might not sin against God!"

Seeking His Wisdom,
 
Debbie

Principles of Parenting - Class 3

Have you thought about what kind of home you want for your children? 

The reason that's important is because children are little sponges.  Often parents don't understand that once they have a child, they become a reality show.

What? 

Yep....a reality show.  Maybe you should take a large poster board and make a movie poster of your own.  Label it 
"The Johnsons - The real story!"
Maybe you don't see the cameras running, but they are.  Every word, every action and even every "intended" action becomes part of the reality show. 

Children are amazing "truth serum" individuals.  They can see your motives quicker than anyone on earth.  They know the truth.  You can't fool them.  Only dogs are better at being that intuitive.

I've counseled with a lot of parents who insist that their home is free from arguments or stress.  "I just don't know where little Johnny gets it.  Me and my husband always talk soft to him and we try to provide a home that's peaceful."  It doesn't take long talking to a child to find out that even with the door closed, junior hears or knows that mom and dad are arguing.  And just saying those cuss words under your breath doesn't mean your child won't pick up on them.  He also sees the dagger looks, sees the fist that's clinched or the jaw that's tight.  He's in the bathroom when you call a friend and vent your frustrations about your husband.  He wonders what's really going on when you say you love him but a hug is given but you're not really into it.  And....probably the most important - he sees the lack of true loving touches between the two of you.  He doesn't feel safe about your relationship and he begins to react the exact same way you are acting.  Hum...

I counseled with a young mother who was very kind to her child.  She was loving and involved with his life.  She would sit for hours after work and read to him, help him do puzzles and worked with him on his reading.  Yet, her child was afraid of everything.  She came to me because her husband thought perhaps she was being "too" involved.  Instead we found out that anytime Mom was faced with a stressful situation she became dramatic.  Every problem was the worst.  Every situation was bad and there were no answers that would ever solve it.  She was so dramatic, she could have auditioned for any show and got the part.  So....naturally....anytime her son faced a scary situation it didn't matter how soft or reassuring she talked.  She responded dramatically - usually running from confrontation.  Naturally he did the same. 

Children are born with a natural desire to be "just like you".  They are copy cats.  They look for ways to copy what you are doing and to respond exactly like you do.  They want to be like "mommy".  "I'm Daddy's little man." 

That feeling continues until.....we've taught them that being you is a bad thing.  That's when the real challenge begins and they begin to look to others for guidance. 

How do you teach your children to think differently about you?  Through disappointment, embarrassment, lying, cheating, being dishonest, cutting others down in their presence and more devastating....anytime you destroy their self-esteem.

So then......it is vitally important that you get your plan, your design, your head in line with what kind of life you want your children to have.  By doing that you are making your parenting a lot easier. 

So....let's make a plan.  We need to begin with a huge question.....

What is your true purpose as a parent?

If you feel that you want complete and total control over your child and that you are not really concerned about your child having his own thoughts, being independent or learning to function on his own - then parenting for you will be simple yet exhausting. 

In this form of parenting you will need to make all the rules and never budge on any demand.  You can never let the child have a say in anything he does.  Make them check with you on every decision and insist that they be an extension of your beliefs, wants and desires.  The end result however, will be a child who either becomes an unstable wallflower unable to function without help in the adult world or they will break out like a fire engine as soon as possible and furiously try every crazy thing possible - as quickly as possible.  They will break your heart and interrupt what happiness you thought you had in your home.

Wait just a minute Debbie!  Aren't you contradicting yourself?  You just said we should have a plan and that kids want to be like us.  Now you're saying that they will rebel against that.

No...they aren't rebelling against you....they still want your approval and to be like you.  They rebel against not having a life.  It's all about you feeling like you have to have total control.  You can never do that to anyone.  That's called slavery and it will always end badly. 

So...let's try another plan.  If you feel that your true purpose as a parent is to make sure your child experiences everything, has no conflict, is protected from all danger and strife and is given all the things that you never were allowed to have, parenting will be confusing but simple.  You can sit back and watch your child. You can choose to never give advice, guidance, or influence at all.  You want to be his friend and are hoping by this that he will thank you for the good times and love you dearly. 

Unfortunately this type of child will be mean, irritable, always in trouble and blaming everyone else for his woes.  At some point he will turn to you and blame you because he has few friends and life has not been good to him.  He will not be able to withstand pressure or problems in life and will break your heart with his anger and inability to function.

I could go on and on with different forms of parenting and how they don't work.  But let me skip to the answer. 

Your true purpose is to give that child as much information as possible on either side of any issue so that he or she can make tough decision on their own.  You must teach them to be strong, diligent in their search for truth and able to tell which lifestyle is going to give them the most pleasure for all of life - not just for the moment.  That will require you to be kind when you discuss the "good side" or  what their friends would say of (alcohol) or sex or whatever you disagree with.

Just how would you do that???  Example,  "I bet your friends tell you that sex as a teenager is wonderful.  You know what?  I does feel that way for about an hour or so.  Unfortunately, the aftermath is much worse and just doesn't make those few minutes of fun worth it."  Then you go on to discuss all the problems with teen sex or sex before marriage.  That's being honest and prevents you from losing their respect.

The key is to be such a wonderful model and to represent the issue so thoroughly that the child will naturally, on his own, choose the right decision.  Your child must be able to trust you, to know that he will always receive an honest answer from you. 

Everything you do from the first day you bring him home until he is packing up and leaving your house should have one purpose..... "How will this action help or hurt his life and how can I give him the information and training to help him see the right or wrong in what he's doing.  How can I help him want to change his life for the better?"

You see, you must help your child become an adult by learning how to make proper decisions and how to interpret information.  If you don't do that, then he is forever going to have to rely on someone else to tell him what to do and there by you open him up to being led by peers.  It's only if you equip him to understand his world and process the information around him that you truly set him free. 

I feel sorry for those parents who whine when their child gets in trouble.  He was caught destroying property, tearing off good wallpaper, writing on desks, etc.... "It's not my fault.  He was just influenced by peers.  It's your fault for not teaching the other students to behave." 

Back up the truck dear.  Your responsibility to train your child has not been transferred to anyone else.  We must accept responsibility for our children and we must do our job as parents to the best of our ability. 

And guess what....we can do it!  We can raise responsible loving children!

What's your plan?  What do you want to accomplish with your children?

Seeking his wisdom,

Debbie

What happened to the good life??

In preparation for tonight's Principles of Parenting class, I hope you will think about what kind of life you want for you and your family. 

Dating for most people only includes having a great time with their partner.  Even during the engagement period most couples focus on the wedding day, the honeymoon and that giggly feeling they get every time they look at each other. 

But what about the plan for the rest of your life?  If you have only planned for business success and financial success - your marriage will suffer.  If you've only planned for spiritual success but you don't have a plan as to how to prepare your home for children - your children will suffer. 

Have you made a plan for your family, your children, your extended family???

Grab a piece of paper and begin making a list of what you want your home to feel like, to support, to represent.  Then join me tonight for another discussion about the Principles of Parenting that must be in place in order to be a success.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Principles of Parenting - Class 2



Jamie Jansen about 3 years old



One Sunday I was hurrying to get to church when Jamie began tugging on my skirt.  For the past week I had been teaching him how to put his shoes on and tie them.  "Mommy....mommy", Jamie whined.  "I can't get it on!"  I looked down to see that the tongue of his shoe had been pushed up in the toe of his shoe.  I shook my head at him and continued combing my hair.  "Jamie, just pull your tongue out and you will be able to get your shoe on."

A few moments later I looked down at a very confused little boy pulling as hard as he could on the tongue in his mouth!  I had neglected to tell him that his shoe also had a tongue. 

It is our responsibility as parents to teach our children EVERYTHING!  They do not learn by osmosis.  We must teach them by our example and our conversations.  While school teachers may give our children "facts", we are ultimately the ones who put those facts into perspective.  We are the ones that teach our children how to evaluate facts properly, how to see truth, how to take all the information they are given and mold it into the best life possible. 

When we hold that tiny little newborn, we are holding only a shell of a person.  Only the physical instincts exist.  It knows how to breath and eat and sleep.  It feels cold and hot and pain.  And yes...his smile is just like Uncle Ray's.  But the abstract world of thought is taught to him every day by "the parent".  He learns the touch of love, the kindness in a voice, the soothing power of a song, as well as the harshness of hands that hold him in anger. 

We have the power to mold and develop that child to be everything he was intended to be.  We can help him take the talents he has and elevate them to their very best.  We can help him acquire new talents, learn to make friends and learn to impact his world/generation with his talents.  He/she may have been created as a biological process.  He/she may be blessed by the almighty creator - by God himself.  But....we are the guiding hands that will complete the creation.  We are the ones that will protect him, nurture him, be his mentor and help him see the best in his life and how his talents can impact the world!

Since you are at your computer, maybe you have a picture of your family on the computer.  Print a very small copy on a blank piece of paper.  If you aren't at the computer, take a blank piece of paper and draw a smiley face at the top and pretend it's your child.  For the next few lessons, keep this piece of paper handy.  Make two columns and label one "Traits to promote" and the other "Traits to prevent".

Begin writing down traits that you feel are important for your child to be all that God wants them to be.  Your list might look something like this:

Forgiving
Positive outlook on life
Self-reliant
Intelligent
Free from anxiety and stress
Loves to learn new things
Feels a sense of purpose
Personable - loves to meet new people
Verbal
Kind
Fair


Your "traits to be prevented" may include the following

jumps to conclusions
liar
lazy
disrespectful

(For a copy of my handout "Traits for your child" - sign up for the Study Guide - it's included in those handouts)

Making this list will be easier if you can do what I asked in Class 1b

Most parents are excited and thrilled beyond belief by the very sight of their newborn.  You can't imagine that you have been able to create life.  Your mind floods with dreams of greatness for your child.  But the bubble quickly bursts when you've gone through thousands of dollars, walked through crying sleepless nights and wiped up too much spilt milk.  "I'm so tired, all I want is quiet!  Remind me....why did we have this bundle of work and trouble?"  Your child smiles and coos.  He says 'Da Da' and your heart melts.  That joy and ecstasy cannot be replaced UNTIL -----5 minutes later when this wonderful creation spits up on the only existing DVD of your best buddy's wedding!

Sound familiar?  Children are hard work!  Children bounce from moments of elation to moments of despair as often as chimes on a clock. 

What happens is that after a lot of work and disappointment, we get lazy.  We decide that taking the time to teach our child isn't all that important.  We are tired, frustrated and overworked.  As long as this child is currently happy, has enough fun to soothe our guilt and stays quietly away- that's enough.  We have hit the bottom bar on the parenting scale and we bank on the fact that it just won't matter.  Since most of the time both parents are working and extremely tired....teaching gets shoved farther into the background.  "I have fun with my kids.  Surely when they are 16 they won't hate me, will be able to get at least C's and all will be well.  I will have reached the finished line." 

Imagine the disappointment when their child hates them, isn't passing and is sure to be a drag on society rather than one of it's leading citizens.  I've often heard parents say, "Well, I did the best I could.  My life was hard and I did the best I could."  Guilt has taken over and they feel like it's absolutely impossible to face the truth.  Gently...we talk.  Gently....I encourage and soothe.  Until finally through tear stained eyes they admit.  "I know I didn't do my best.  I was tired and after they passed the baby stage they weren't fun anymore.  I just wanted them to leave me alone.  Now I'm filled with guilt.  I can't sleep at night and I have to stay busy just so I won't think about how I let them down."

Sadly, children pick up on the desperation of parents.  They feel it when they aren't as important as they should be.  Children need time....lots of time, instruction and care.  In this respect they are not dogs.  Yes, they need love, healthcare, clothes and food.  But unlike a dog who could exist on those things alone....your child needs much more.  Your child must be trained.

Dr. Paul states, "Families feeling close and caring, children enjoying life - these are wonderful loving goals.  And most parents believe that these things will happen naturally....in the beginning.  But this blissful parenting state lasts about as long as the honeymoon did in the marriage.  Trouble comes when the first conflict occurs.  The child does something "wrong", the parent doesn't handle the situation "right", and all of a sudden parenting doesn't seem so easy anymore.  Where is the "..and they lived happily ever after..." part?  Many parents would settle for a few peaceful moments."

What went wrong?  Children must be trained.  They can learn to be patient.  They can learn to be kind.  They can learn to be unselfish.  But...they must be trained.  Training your child isn't that hard, but it does take time.  You are responsible for placing in their minds everything they need in order to do well in life.  You miss something and that will be a problem area for them.  It's a big project and we have to have a definite plan in order to complete it with success.

Oh....but when you do have a plan and you complete it....your joy is beyond belief!  Your reward will be greater than anything you can ever imagine.  I PROMISE.  You can make a difference in your child's life and you can feel the joy of releasing a well-adjusted, productive young adult into society. 

Did you do your homework yesterday?  How do you feel about those questions?  Do you think you are ready to be a "strong and loving" parent to your child?

You can you know!  It is possible.  Don't be afraid.  God will help you! YOU CAN DO IT!  Stay tuned and I'll give you all the details so you can become a source of great strength to your children.

Question for our next lesson.....

What is your true purpose as a parent? 

God loves you,

Debbie

You can also order an autographed copy of this book at The Store

Principles of Parenting - Class 1b

Class two will be posted tomorrow night. 

Have you done your homework? 

I have one more thing for you to think about. 

Are you a good judge?  Can you step back from any situation no matter how difficult and judge the details of that confrontation properly?

Did you know that to be a good parent you must be a fair and balanced Judge? 

But Debbie.....I'm a Christian and I've been taught not to Judge.

Sorry....but being a good Christian means that you must judge.  And, the verse on judging is taken completely out of context.

Leviticus 19:15  "'Do not pervert justice; do not show partiality to the poor or favoritism to the great, but judge your neighbor fairly.



Deuteronomy 1:16-17  And I charged your judges at that time: Hear the disputes between your brothers and judge fairly, whether the case is between brother Israelites or between one of them and an alien.  Do not show partiality in judging; hear both small and great alike. Do not be afraid of any man, for judgment belongs to God. Bring me any case too hard for you, and I will hear it.


And the common verse used to stop all judging....

Matthew 7:1  "Do not judge, or you too will be judged." 

Ahhh.....but here's the rub.  If you continue reading you will find that it's not about judging - it's about judging fairly.  Verse 2 says...."For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."  

The meaning of this verse goes back to the parable in Matthew 18:24-35  Jesus told a story about compassion, forgiveness and improperly judging a friend.

A man began a settlement.  A man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him.  Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.  "The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.'  The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.


"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.  "His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'  "But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.

When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.  "Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to.  Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?'  In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

With over 153 verses that mention the word "judge" there is ample teaching about "how" to judge properly.  It's not that we aren't allowed to judge.  We must judge right from wrong every day of our lives - and often that involves looking at the lives of other people.  GOD's directive is that we judge properly.  We must be free of malice and we must take all sides of information into consideration. 

So.....tonight I want you to take a piece of paper and write down 10 families that you know.  Beside their names I want you to write down the pros and cons of their parenting skills and the results of those skills.  This is not to be done with any malice or any hatred.  Do it as a learning experience. 

Ask yourself all kinds of questions.  Ask yourself if that's the way you want to be perceived as a parent.  Ask yourself if you want the same results that parent achieved.  Ask if your children are anything like other good children or bad children.  Be honest.  Be fair and get the information you need to begin to draw a plan for your family. 

You can't possibly avoid problems in your own family if you can't spot signs of trouble in other families. 

Begin to formulate an idea of exactly what kind of tone you want to pursue in your home.  How do you want to look to your spouse, your children, your in-laws?  How do you want your pastor to see your home?  Is your home representative of Christ?  Would he feel comfortable staying with you?  Would Christ hold you up as an example in the same way he felt about his own earthly family? 

Lots to think about.....

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Principles of Parenting - Class 1

Welcome to my first on-line free class. 

Welcome to Principles of Parenting.

If you would like the Study Guide for this class,  please make sure you are a follower of this blog.  If you are...please send an e-mail to debbie@debbiejansen.com and mark it "Free Study Guide".  I'll send you the free study guide in a return e-mail.  You will also receive all handouts and extra study pages once they become available.  If you prefer not to "follow" this blog, you can purchase the Study Guide for $2.50.  Please send me an e-mail for instructions on how to get this information.


Let's get started!

Before I begin, let me make sure you understand one important fact.  This class was created to deal with you - the parent.  When we are through, you may feel like I've laid all the responsibility at your door.  Well....I have.  I will cover the attitudes and responsibilities that are yours.  But...your children have responsibilities too.  It is a two way street.  God has given them the ability to either accept or reject your thoughts, beliefs and parenting techniques - and they are solely responsible for that decision.  I will deal with their issues in other classes. 

It's like this...you must accept your responsibility as a parent.  You must do all you can to understand and treat your child properly.  Then, when your child is 16 or more - they will have the right to accept your beliefs or to walk away from those beliefs.  You can't stop their right to have their own beliefs.  What you can control is how your beliefs are presented and how well you help them to grow into God's will for their life.   

Knowing that should change your view of parenting.  Parenting is not as much "forcing" your children to obey you as it is "convincing" them that you are right.  Later we will talk about using rules and boundaries that work - those are components of parenting.  But for now you need to see your job as one of presenting the truth as you know it in such a way that your children will "want" to accept your beliefs about life. That's why I place all the responsibility at your feet.  You are on trial here.  It's your reputation and your logical skills that are being tested.  Your child is just that - a child.  They don't know how the world works or what's important or how to deal with difficult issues - and if you don't teach them - they are going to make the same mistakes people made at the beginning of time.  There will be no growth, no progress, no ability for one generation to surpass another generation.  Instead we will be forever re-inventing the wheel.  If you can't convince your children that there is a better way to live life....they will make all the mistakes you made and will also make the same mistakes your ancestors made.

So...the first step in this process is to know and understand yourself and your own beliefs.  Question why you go to the church you attend.  Pretend your child is four and standing in front of you answering every statement you give with the word "why?"  Question everything you do and try to think of the answers you need to give before your child even asks for those answers.

Then when those days come (and they surely will) you will have an answer for your child.  "I know you think the teacher is boring but this is why we are going to continue to attend this church......."   "I understand that you don't like the music, but here's why we are going to stay here and here's why I expect you to be tolerant."  "I know it's hard to keep trying when you are discouraged, but here's why we must all do that."

Parents, I will promise you this.  Unless you work on the responsibilities I lay out for you in this class, your children will never be able to take care of their responsibilities.  Unlike the chicken and the egg, we do know what comes first and that is you - the parent.

A lot of people ask me what my credentials are.  Though my detailed resume is three pages long and I do have a degree in Psychology, I don't consider that my credentials.  My credentials are my children.  Jamie, Amie and Ken have grown into vibrant extensions of our family.  They are my joy, my love and my life.  I feel extremely blessed because my dream of a happy home came true.

Am I perfect - NO WAY!

Are they perfect - NO WAY!

They have had many problems in each of their lives.  There are things I've done that I wish I could take back because I see the end results and how it has affected their lives. 

I've had to realize that....There is no perfect parent and there is no perfect child.  Those two do not exist!

Our goal is to cut our losses as much as possible.  Our goal should be to try to head off problems before they happen.  My children have done some things that have disappointed me greatly.  My children have been angry with me.  But...we respect each other.  They love me and I adore them.  Why...because we worked on the problems together.  We didn't make the problem about our relationship - it was always about the problems we faced - not about our love.  (better write that one down!)  And...we had just as many good times, just as many warm moments as we had problems.  We often had to work to create those moments, but we made sure they were there. 

I feel as though I'm living the sit-com family dream.  Well....at least the 50's sit com dream.  You know the type of family those sit-coms tried to convey.  Mom took care of the house without complaining. (didn't aways achieve that)  Father brought home lots of money.(Missed that one)  The children were always obedient, always loving and always helpful.(ha ha ha ha ha)  They were never in trouble outside the home and when little problems arose inside the home - it was easily solved in 20 minutes or less.  (right?!?)  Everyone hugged at the end and they were closer because of what they had been through.

We batted about 50% on most of those....but still I feel like we had the perfect sit-com home.  In fact, some of my children's friends called them the Brady Bunch.  Don't get me wrong....We had problems - lots of problems and rarely were any of them solved in 20 minutes or less!  But...we did hug a lot, share a lot, and we were closer because of what we had been through.  That was the key that made us all feel special.  We were closer no matter what we had to go through. 

It is possible to have a close-knit family even with the turmoil swirling around the perimeters of our homes.  It is possible for your children to discuss their differences with you and to understand and appreciate your guidance and wisdom.

You can have that!  I promise you can.  But...there are rules to the process and you must not only follow those rules but understand why they are there.  Waiver from some of the rules and you will miss the dream.  It's like unprotected sex.  Just one time can get you in trouble.  Destroying your child's self-esteem - just one time - can cause problems for years. 

So...what is the secret to making this wonderful dream happen????

Training

I've never understood how people could accept the fact that we must be trained for work, for driving, for a professional job, for marriage, even our dogs must be trained and yet we don't think about the fact that we first must be trained and then our children must be trained in order to have a better future!

WHEW! 

I asked you to read a little about The Tiger Mother and her form of parenting.  What do you think she was missing?  I personally think it was training. 

What??? Debbie you missed the mark on this one.  Sounds like she had a lot of training but not a lot of compassion or love.

I disagree.  She wasn't trained on how to be successful in life.  She didn't understand or know how to have a full well rounded life.  She admits to being a success driven work-a-holic.  Her parents failed to train her in how to have compassion or understand the world around her and so she was lacking in how to help her children find that "balance" in life. 

Question to think about .... what do you want for your children?  Do you want a well balanced life or do you want a full concentration in one area?

Homework:

1.  Do you feel trained?   Do you think you know enough about life to explain it to your child?  Do you know enough about friends, relationships, how to learn etc...so you can explain how to do those things to your child?

2.  Do you have a plan for helping your child prepare for the future?

3.  Is there any area of your child's life that you would feel comfortable leaving up to their third grade friends?  Is there any area that you would feel comfortable leaving up to a teenage date to handle? 

4.  Do you feel powerful enough to protect your child even when they are not in your presence?

5.  Do you feel like the world (society) has it's eyes set on deceiving your child?

6.  Where does God fit into your parenting plan?


Great questions.....If you have any questions about today's lesson or the Homework, please contact me at debbie@debbiejansen.com

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Purchasing my book, Discipline Exposed will give you a lot of extra information about this class as well as the class on discipline. 

Principles of Parenting Class Posts

I am so excited to offer the class - "Principles of Parenting" - on this blog!

Class will begin the evening of January 18, 2011

Check here to read all the posts on this subject.  If you become a "follower" of this blog - Please send me an e-mail and I'll send you the study booklet for this course - absolutely free!

Principles of Parenting - Planning to have good children


This class teaches tested principles that will help you achieve your personal parenting goals. It includes the basics for better communication, discipline, and family dynamics. Practical behavior modification tips are included. 


Research article on Amy Chua - The tiger mother

Principles of Parenting class 1

Principles of Parenting Class 1b

Principles of Parenting - Class 2

What happened to the good life?

Principles of Parenting - Class 3

Principles of Parenting - Class 4

Amy Chua - Chinese Tiger mother

Tomorrow we will begin the class "Principles of Parenting".

In preparation for this class I hope that you will google Amy Chua - "The Chinese Tiger Mother" and read some information on her parenting style.

Children, young adults and struggling career adults are having a hard time right now.  Suicide, bullying, addictions and sex are all up in numbers.  Parents are desperate to find a way to help their children succeed.  At long last the government and television commentators are admitting that our children - the owners of our future - are the key to the success of this country.  We are slipping in test scores, slipping in entrepreneurship, slipping in close knit families, slipping in self esteem and...slipping in hope for our future.  More and more children and teens are less interested in making their mark in the world and more interested in playing the part of Dumb and dumber. 

Can parents help?  You bet! 

It's a delicate balance being a parent.  Remember - THERE IS NO PERFECT PARENT - AND NO PERFECT CHILD!  But....there are answers that can help you parent with success.

Stay tuned for lesson one and learn what you can do to be the successful parent of a successful child!

Start your research with these articles....

Politics Daily article

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/41005969/ns/today-books/



Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

New Direction

I believe that what you say is very important.  What you say and what you do combine to define who you are in society.  It's important how we present ourselves to the world....and it's also important to consider the ripples of all that we do and say.

I've been struggling for months now with the purpose of this blog.  I know what I want to do but I felt overwhelmed with all the problems I see.  Good....wonderful....parents are struggling with the most basic of issues.  While "Precious pointers" is an important tool for the busy mom, I need to go much deeper than that.  Writing blogs that are disconnected and basically just what I'm thinking about for the day...didn't seem to be information that parents could build on.  Blog specialists advise against blogs that go too deep.  Don't make posts long....don't cover to broad a topic....don't do series that last more than three or four posts.  While I want to be successful with this blog, I still felt disjointed and out of touch.

I've also been advised not to post things that I "could" make money on.  I have information sitting on my computer that supports over 80 classes.  I watch young parents making mistakes that I can help them solve, but it would take a two-hour class.  In this low economy churches and schools don't have the funds to hire me for an event.  What to do? What to do?

Even after considering all the problems - there's still this nagging feeling inside that I need to share what I know regardless of the cost to me.  As you know Ron doesn't have a job...but...holding on to information someone needs - just for money - seems unchristian and selfish.  And....where then is my faith?  Shouldn't I do what God wants me to do regardless of the funds?  It takes almost a week of writing and compiling to design just one class.  It takes another week to write a booklet and yet another week to do the study guide.  To go week after week without payment for my work is hard....and yet....my work involves children and the future of this country.

So after much prayer, I've decided to take a leap of faith.  Beginning Tuesday, January 18th, Mommy Detective will launch a new project.  I will use this blog to teach my class, Principles of Parenting.  I will post lessons and information pertaining to this class.  You will be getting all the information I include in this two-hour class - and it will be absolutely free! 

Since I talk a mile a minute when I do a class.....I'm not sure how long it will take to go through the material on line.  It may take a month or more....but....you will have the material. 

If I do this, I will need your help.  I need you to let everyone know that the class is available.  And there are freebies.  For anyone that clicks on the "Follower" button and joins this blog, they will receive a link (not available for a week or so) to the Free Study Guide.  Current followers will receive the link as soon as it's available.  They will also be able to purchase all the materials in CD form for a reduced price.

We are still working all the details out....so be patient with me.  There's a lot to be done and I'm the only one to do it!  But....once we are up and running, you will have a deeper spiritual and psychologically sound basis for your parenting skills.  You will be able to duplicate everything I teach.

Please pray with me that God will lead me to know exactly how to share this information in this form and that God will bless all we do.  Also....as always, know that I'm here for you.  Please ask questions and share your life with me. I'm here to help.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie