Welcome to Principles of Parenting.
If you would like the Study Guide for this class, please make sure you are a follower of this blog. If you are...please send an e-mail to debbie@debbiejansen.com and mark it "Free Study Guide". I'll send you the free study guide in a return e-mail. You will also receive all handouts and extra study pages once they become available. If you prefer not to "follow" this blog, you can purchase the Study Guide for $2.50. Please send me an e-mail for instructions on how to get this information.
Let's get started!
Before I begin, let me make sure you understand one important fact. This class was created to deal with you - the parent. When we are through, you may feel like I've laid all the responsibility at your door. Well....I have. I will cover the attitudes and responsibilities that are yours. But...your children have responsibilities too. It is a two way street. God has given them the ability to either accept or reject your thoughts, beliefs and parenting techniques - and they are solely responsible for that decision. I will deal with their issues in other classes.
It's like this...you must accept your responsibility as a parent. You must do all you can to understand and treat your child properly. Then, when your child is 16 or more - they will have the right to accept your beliefs or to walk away from those beliefs. You can't stop their right to have their own beliefs. What you can control is how your beliefs are presented and how well you help them to grow into God's will for their life.
Knowing that should change your view of parenting. Parenting is not as much "forcing" your children to obey you as it is "convincing" them that you are right. Later we will talk about using rules and boundaries that work - those are components of parenting. But for now you need to see your job as one of presenting the truth as you know it in such a way that your children will "want" to accept your beliefs about life. That's why I place all the responsibility at your feet. You are on trial here. It's your reputation and your logical skills that are being tested. Your child is just that - a child. They don't know how the world works or what's important or how to deal with difficult issues - and if you don't teach them - they are going to make the same mistakes people made at the beginning of time. There will be no growth, no progress, no ability for one generation to surpass another generation. Instead we will be forever re-inventing the wheel. If you can't convince your children that there is a better way to live life....they will make all the mistakes you made and will also make the same mistakes your ancestors made.
So...the first step in this process is to know and understand yourself and your own beliefs. Question why you go to the church you attend. Pretend your child is four and standing in front of you answering every statement you give with the word "why?" Question everything you do and try to think of the answers you need to give before your child even asks for those answers.
Then when those days come (and they surely will) you will have an answer for your child. "I know you think the teacher is boring but this is why we are going to continue to attend this church......." "I understand that you don't like the music, but here's why we are going to stay here and here's why I expect you to be tolerant." "I know it's hard to keep trying when you are discouraged, but here's why we must all do that."
Parents, I will promise you this. Unless you work on the responsibilities I lay out for you in this class, your children will never be able to take care of their responsibilities. Unlike the chicken and the egg, we do know what comes first and that is you - the parent.
A lot of people ask me what my credentials are. Though my detailed resume is three pages long and I do have a degree in Psychology, I don't consider that my credentials. My credentials are my children. Jamie, Amie and Ken have grown into vibrant extensions of our family. They are my joy, my love and my life. I feel extremely blessed because my dream of a happy home came true.Am I perfect - NO WAY!
Are they perfect - NO WAY!
They have had many problems in each of their lives. There are things I've done that I wish I could take back because I see the end results and how it has affected their lives.
I've had to realize that....There is no perfect parent and there is no perfect child. Those two do not exist!
Our goal is to cut our losses as much as possible. Our goal should be to try to head off problems before they happen. My children have done some things that have disappointed me greatly. My children have been angry with me. But...we respect each other. They love me and I adore them. Why...because we worked on the problems together. We didn't make the problem about our relationship - it was always about the problems we faced - not about our love. (better write that one down!) And...we had just as many good times, just as many warm moments as we had problems. We often had to work to create those moments, but we made sure they were there.
I feel as though I'm living the sit-com family dream. Well....at least the 50's sit com dream. You know the type of family those sit-coms tried to convey. Mom took care of the house without complaining. (didn't aways achieve that) Father brought home lots of money.(Missed that one) The children were always obedient, always loving and always helpful.(ha ha ha ha ha) They were never in trouble outside the home and when little problems arose inside the home - it was easily solved in 20 minutes or less. (right?!?) Everyone hugged at the end and they were closer because of what they had been through.
We batted about 50% on most of those....but still I feel like we had the perfect sit-com home. In fact, some of my children's friends called them the Brady Bunch. Don't get me wrong....We had problems - lots of problems and rarely were any of them solved in 20 minutes or less! But...we did hug a lot, share a lot, and we were closer because of what we had been through. That was the key that made us all feel special. We were closer no matter what we had to go through.
It is possible to have a close-knit family even with the turmoil swirling around the perimeters of our homes. It is possible for your children to discuss their differences with you and to understand and appreciate your guidance and wisdom.
You can have that! I promise you can. But...there are rules to the process and you must not only follow those rules but understand why they are there. Waiver from some of the rules and you will miss the dream. It's like unprotected sex. Just one time can get you in trouble. Destroying your child's self-esteem - just one time - can cause problems for years.
So...what is the secret to making this wonderful dream happen????
Training
I've never understood how people could accept the fact that we must be trained for work, for driving, for a professional job, for marriage, even our dogs must be trained and yet we don't think about the fact that we first must be trained and then our children must be trained in order to have a better future!
WHEW!
I asked you to read a little about The Tiger Mother and her form of parenting. What do you think she was missing? I personally think it was training.
What??? Debbie you missed the mark on this one. Sounds like she had a lot of training but not a lot of compassion or love.
I disagree. She wasn't trained on how to be successful in life. She didn't understand or know how to have a full well rounded life. She admits to being a success driven work-a-holic. Her parents failed to train her in how to have compassion or understand the world around her and so she was lacking in how to help her children find that "balance" in life.
Question to think about .... what do you want for your children? Do you want a well balanced life or do you want a full concentration in one area?
Homework:
1. Do you feel trained? Do you think you know enough about life to explain it to your child? Do you know enough about friends, relationships, how to learn etc...so you can explain how to do those things to your child?
2. Do you have a plan for helping your child prepare for the future?
3. Is there any area of your child's life that you would feel comfortable leaving up to their third grade friends? Is there any area that you would feel comfortable leaving up to a teenage date to handle?
4. Do you feel powerful enough to protect your child even when they are not in your presence?
5. Do you feel like the world (society) has it's eyes set on deceiving your child?
6. Where does God fit into your parenting plan?
Great questions.....If you have any questions about today's lesson or the Homework, please contact me at debbie@debbiejansen.com
Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie
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