I could have given a short answer and responded in the comment section. But...this is such a delicate issue and so-o-o-o important that I felt the following comment deserves its own post.
Jack, thank you very much for your comment. I appreciate your willingness to voice your opinion. This is a difficult issue and a very personal one for most parents. I agree with you that abuse should never take place. I simply think that there are times when "getting a child's attention" is the kindest thing a parent can do.
Jack commented.....
"Get their attention. Maybe it's with the "one pop" method. That's when you hold one arm and "pop" their behind. Or...you can hold both arms and get in their face to demand that the action not be repeated. Or...call their name loudly and insist that the action stop. Or...pick him/her up and sit them firmly in your lap, holding them still until the action is stopped."
You do this with your coworkers too? your spouse?
First of all, this is an attention getter. If a parent is doing this everyday, they have a much more serious problem. All that's needed is to get their attention and then you support the action with your tone, your conversational skills and your own personal actions. Remember, your child will always act like you do. If you are screaming all the time, or demanding or fussing - your child will be just like you.
Going from birth to mature adult life is a learning process. We learn how our body works and how to manipulate our surroundings. What we don't learn - at least not without help - is how to control our emotions and how to react properly in social settings. That must be trained and unfortunately a stubborn child having a meltdown isn't going to listen to soothing tones. At that point we need an attention getter.
Actually Jack, the way you phrased this, is part of the problem. You are assuming that what I've suggested is abusive. When you hold one arm and "pop" a child on the bottom - it should NOT be in the form of an attack, but rather about the same intensity as greeting your friend at a ball game. "Hey Joe!" Pop them on the back. "How's it going?" You simply got his attention. If you "pop" a child on the bottom so hard that it lifts him off the floor - you are probably being abusive.
To get in a child's face simply means to bring them close enough to your face that they can see how upset you are and to make sure all other distractions are out of their peripheral vision. Kind of like when you are so upset with your wife that you must have her full attention. You put one hand on each shoulder and bring your face close to hers. "Stop crying. I love you! Just tell me what's going on!"
Calling their name loudly is necessary at times. Anyone that's had a small child engrossed in a television cartoon knows how easily a child can get lost in what he/she is doing. Kind of like a husband who is watching Monday night football. "Ron...can you hand me the phone." Wait...sigh.... a little louder, "Ron darling....hello....can you hand me the phone?" "Sure honey, we can go anytime you want." "RON!"
Yes, Jack. There are times when as adults we use a slap on the back, invade a person's space or yell in order to command attention. That's all a proper parent is doing -
commanding attention.
It's not acceptable to abuse your child - but you can't train or help them if you don't have their attention. Trying to explain something to a two year old without their attention is like talking to a brick wall.
REMEMBER, I said this shouldn't be done after age 4-5 when your child is able to hold a conversation with you. By that time you should be able to gain their attention in other ways. It is possible to use these attention getting mechanisms without hurting their self-esteem or turning them into abusers. That was my comment to the misleading article. Attention getters aren't abuse. The studies were flawed because they didn't take all the information into account.
Children need to be taught that some of their actions are wrong. It is not right for a two year old to sit in a restaurant, throw food all over the place and scream at the top of their lungs. It is right for a parent to take them to the restaurant and demand that they act properly. What is a parent supposed to do if they are in a restaurant and their child is ruining everyone's meal? Just smile and endure it? Never take them out and never let them practice how to eat calmly in a restaurant? Isn't it much kinder to get in their face and demand compliance? Or maybe take them to the car or restroom and insist that the improper action stop. (Never embarrass your child in front of others. Not good for child or bystanders) The world is a harsh place and we hurt our children more when we don't teach them to respect others or to listen to authority or understand that there are times when they must comply even if their inner energy doesn't want to.
Most of the complaints I hear in marriage counseling is about selfishness and the inability to act decently when in a social context. If we don't train and teach our children that there are certain times when they "must" forgo their needs and wants in order to act respectfully with others, then we shouldn't be surprised when they turn on us as teens.
The other misleading inuendo with your question is to put a child on the same level as an adult. Hopefully my co-workers and my husband have had the training they need in order to act properly in a social context. Children have not had the same amount of time to practice their social skills. However...as I replied above, there are times when we do treat other adults in those ways.
Please note that when I say social skills....that's what most of "spanking" is all about. They are acting out in a social situation and we must grab their attention. For example, it's time to put a coat on and leave grandma's. Your child refuses. He wants to go outside in the cold. You can't let him do that so you explain "why". He continues to refuse and then proceeds to scream and cry. You take both arms and pull his face close to yours. "You WILL stop this now and put your coat on." The child knows you mean business because you've
grabbed his attention.
With two of my three of my children I only used the "pop" method once. The other stubborn child needed two instances to know that I meant what I said. After that all I had to do was point my finger or get close to them and they trusted that I meant business. I had grabbed their attention the first time and the tone in my voice let them know that they could trust my resolve to maintain order.
I HOPE MY READERS DO NOT DO THIS.... If you spank or pop a child in order to get them to do what you want, when you want it, with no explanations - there's another word for that. That's not discipline, that's slavery. (see my book) Even if you never pop or spank your child but require them to do what you want anytime you demand it, without explanations - it is the same as slavery and they will reward you with rebellion in their teen years. Our control over our children should only be in the form of trying to help them understand and navigate today's world. It's not about you living their lives for them.
What you must do then (as I state in my book) you must adhere to TRUTH for every decision you make with your child. Is it true that others will judge you by your clothes? Hum, most of the time yes. Is it true that teachers need quiet in order to teach properly? Yes. Is it true that symphonic music helps with math scores? Yes. Is it TRUE that other children won't like your child if he bites them? Yep...probably so. Oh they will be nice enough to avoid the issue and not tell him to his face that he's a bully, and his parents will smile as they walk past you in the hall. But....they also won't invite him to their child's birthday party. The kids on the playgroud will avoid him and both of you will feel depressed and think the world just doesn't understand you. You will spend the rest of your life wondering why no one likes your child all because you don't want to demand that he respect other people. It's far kinder to give him a one time "pop", demand that he never bite anyone else again and once you have his undivided attention begin a conversational debate about how to properly make friends.
Hum....seems like a little attention getter is a lot easier than a lifetime of bully remorse. TRUTH is much kinder to the soul than a lifetime of wondering why you don't have friends.
The TRUTH is I've had bosses yell at me and co-workers pout. I watched one man throw his chair at the wall when he lost a million dollar account. I've worked in Juvenile Court and heard children cuss at their parents and beg to go back to juvenile rather than go home with them. I've listened to teens tell the judge that their parents didn't "love" them enough to say no or to control their actions. I've held several teens in counseling sessions while they cried and wondered why their parents didn't prepare them for the harshness of life. I've listened to reasons for fights on the playground, fights in marriages, fights in churches and fights at work. I've heard stories of friends stealing from friends and bosses abusing workers.
Life is full of difficult situations and it's our duty as parents to train our children to handle those situations.
If you can set the precedent for authority without even one "pop" or harsh word....Great! But if you have one of those stubborn little boys that just won't listen, perhaps a "pop" or going nose to nose with him will save him a lifetime of grief.
Recently one of my adult children - who had the worst temper of all three - called me. This child is an executive dealing with a group of 2,500.
"Hey mom. Just wanted to call and thank you."
"For what?"
"For making me control my actions."
"What's going on?"
"I'm having to deal with some out of control people right now. They are Christians but they don't seem to live that because they are selfish and mean and love to give me grief. One lashed out at me and really hurt my feelings."
"What did you do?"
"I did what you taught me. I bit my tongue and tried to figure out why they were acting that way."
"What did you come up with?"
"I think they never learned how to respect others and how to be still. They just can't think clearly. They let their anger think for them. So, I just prayed for them."
"Did that work?"
"I don't know. They said some pretty mean things to me, but guess what?"
"What?"
"I discovered I can take it. I know who I am and I know that I'm doing my job to the best of my ability. I'm confident that if I stay calm eventually they will come around."
"Good for you!"
"Yea. Thanks Mom."
That's what any parent wants. We want to raise a mature adult that realizes there are times when he must control his emotions and deal logically and compassionately with the situation he's in. I personally think it begins very early. I personally feel that parents have the right to command attention and to require that their child respect their authority. I also feel that can be done lovingly and compassionately without abuse.
A friend of mine has a child about my children's ages and her son has had 12 jobs in the last year. He does great until someone pushes his anger button. He was never taught how to control or handle his anger. So...He flies off the handle and it's on to another job. Teaching our children to handle difficult situations will follow them the rest of their lives. Sometimes, when children are very young that teaching requires an attention getter.
It's our job to help our children practice how to stay calm in difficult situations. 98% of the time I was able to do that with my children by simply talking the situation out. But first...I had to set a presedent and I had to demand that it was possible for them to gain control of their emotions - I did that by getting their attention before we talked over the situation.
Seeking His Wisdom,
Debbie
