Bad Mom....Bad, Bad Mom

I planned to put up Christmas today. Ron came home with rather bad news yesterday so I thought it was time to put up a little Christmas and spread some joy.

I fixed my coffee - can't do anything without that - and munched on some cereal. I clicked on my favorite show, Fox and Friends, just in time to hear this tag line.

"We are going to speak with a mom who made her child stand on the street corner with a sign that said, 'I'm a thief and liar'. Stay tuned."

I almost snarfed cereal through my nose. What lunatic would do that? Of course I stayed tuned. To my horror it was true.

Some mother....better not say who.....was actually proud of what she had done. If the clip appears anywhere, I'd like to know about it. Here's what I remember about the interview.

Mom was asked, why did you do this?

Mom: I tried yelling and spanking and everything else. I couldn't get him to stop stealing money from my purse and smoking. So, I thought this might work. I made him write a sign saying I'm a liar and thief. I took him to a busy street corner and made him stand there for three hours. I sat in the car - I'm not a thief so I wasn't going to freeze. (my note: She didn't mind her child suffering in the cold, but she wasn't going to. Hum...is that love? One good thing, at least the child's face was covered by his coat so all you could see was his eyes)

Interviewer: What happened?

Mom: A couple of people stopped and prayed for him. Some others pointed fingers and told him he shouldn't do that.

Interviewer: Has it helped?

Mom: Well, ah...I don't know yet. He's just joining in with his friends in laughing about it. So far he's kind of like a celebrity. A lot of news camera's have picked it up.

Interviewer: I don't understand. You couldn't get him to stop lying, but he did obey and stand there.

Mom: Yeah, well... I guess there was some element of fear there.

Interviewer: What are you going to do if this doesn't work?

Mom: Ah...hum....I don't know....Counseling maybe?

Whoa! Yeah Bad Mom, but guess who needs the counseling? You!

For all my readers, I'm sorry if I am offending you - but child abuse always makes me mad. Let me explain why this is so bad.

First of all embarrassment never works....IT NEVER WORKS! You may think it's pulling out the big guns, but all you are doing is helping the child to repress whatever is wrong. Embarrassment never works because it hides the real issues that must be dealt with. AND....embarrassment will turn all your child's hate and dislike toward you. It builds huge walls between the parent and child that many times will never be broken.

Let's use this mom as an example. Her child may seem to be dealing with this for now. Unfortunately, she has placed herself outside the "family" bounds. Now she is part of the unfriendly world that this child doesn't want to talk to. No longer will she be perceived as a person he can trust with information. She will be seen as a person that "wants" to hurt him and he won't be able to trust her with any information that is bothering him. Even simple fun stuff like which girl he has a crush on will be withheld.

When he becomes a teen, the hiding will continue. Not only will he refuse to be seen with her, but he will not share information about his friends or social life. After all, if she would embarrass him why wouldn't she embarrass his friends. None of his friends will want to come to his house for fear she will hurt them. He now has a choice to make and it's between his friends or his mom. Since she can't be trusted, he will probably choose his friends.

His teen life will become Me vs. Mom and the arguing will reach epic levels. She won't be able to see that he lost his trust beginning at age 8 when she embarrassed him in front of the entire school and town - and he can't ever trust her and may not realize why.

She has also damaged the way any friends, neighbors, teachers or future bosses will see him. Forever - he will be labeled as a liar and thief. And in his eyes she will always carry the label of "not caring about his feelings and someone he can't trust". What was a small issue at age 8 has now become a life long problem. Anytime something is missing all eyes will turn his way. Anytime he says something a little out of the ordinary, no one will believe him.

At 16 he may be dating a girl. Someone is jealous and tells a lie on him. He tries to make it right, but no one believes him. The girl breaks up and he's facing his mom's label again. You see, the fact is that no matter how much we try to forgive and forget....once you are labeled as a thief or liar - most people will have doubts about you being totally cured. It takes a long time for people to actually believe you again. Most of the time young children and often many adults don't stick around long enough in a bad situation to prove their innocence.

Maybe he will go to another state to college thinking he can leave it all behind. He finds the girl of his dreams. He applies for the job of his dreams with a company that checks out everything about his life. Many corporations now use the Internet to cross reference a person's life. This story comes out and even though his face is not shown on TV, other parts of the story connect him as being that child. The company doesn't hire him (because they aren't sure they can trust him), his girl finds out and says she can't trust him - ends their courtship - and who does this young man hate now? Mom.

At that point Mom will be in counseling because not only is her son's life affected, but she is hated as well.

DON'T GO THERE! Embarrassment is not a discipline tool - it's just abuse. Embarrassment breaks relationships - and that's all it does. It shouldn't happen between friends, co-workers or in the school classroom. And more important - it should never happen between parent and child.

I think we all should pray for this child that he will find God and a way to deal with national attention for this horrible parenting. This is probably only the tip of iceberg as to what goes on in that home.

And if you are having issues in your home that you simply can't carry any longer....please, write me or at least buy my book, Discipline Exposed. Don't make decisions today that will end your loving family tomorrow.

"Dear God, please help this young man to find you. Please give him the strength to forgive and to live a normal life. And above all, please help this mom to find an honest counselor that will help her admit to her wrong."

Seeking your wisdom,

Debbie

TRUTH is the Answer to parenting

In my book, Discipline Exposed, I explain that the only way to effectively parent is with TRUTH. After looking at the original manuscript for this book, my editor called to point out a typo. "Debbie, every time you mention truth your computer capitalized the word. We need to fix that."

"Do we have to? I did it on purpose because I believe that TRUTH is the most important component of good parenting." If you purchase my book you will see that the editor agreed.

Today there was an article at the online magazine One News Now. It reported on a new study by the Josephson Institute. More than 29,000 students were surveyed. The lack of honesty and a desire to live by the TRUTH was scary.

http://www.onenewsnow.com/Culture/Default.aspx?id=341232

64 % admitted to cheating on a test

36% claimed to have used the Internet to plagiarize their school work

42% lied to save money

93% were satisfied with their personal ethics

Here's the problem....if our young people don't understand truth and honesty....what will our future be like?

Dr. Bill Maier of Focus on the Family pointed out, "We've seen over the last generation or so a move to question absolute truth and certainly to question biblical truth -- and it really doesn't surprise me that now we are starting to see the result in the behavior of our young people."

Okay Moms and Dads....think about it! Your children and all the other children across this nation are our future leaders, business owners, parents and spouses. If they are willing to lie and cheat their way through school, what's to prevent them from lying to client or botching an operation because they don't know what they are doing?

TRUTH is everything. You must teach your child to live by and for TRUTH. It's the only way to teach your faith and the only hope that America has of staying free.

If you don't know how to parent by TRUTH - you can purchase my book or send me a personal e-mail. If you do nothing, your relationship suffers and so does America.

You can do this! We can do it together - I'll help you. It's not hard. I promise you and your child will enjoy the process.

Seeking God's Wisdom,

Debbie

Christmas Meltdown

Debbie, I need help!

I'm trying to have a good Christmas season, but my son is having daily meltdowns! I've taken away all the sugar (even though he's not usually hyperactive) I've scolded him and done more time outs than you can imagine. I've talked to him and even sent him to his room. I don't want to get violent, but I'm at the end of my rope. Please help.

He's four and I want him to have fun this year, but I'm even afraid of putting up the tree. I think he might launch off the couch just to see if he can reach the top star. It's really sad too because normally he's quiet and a lot of fun. In the last week he's gotten into everything he shouldn't, I'm always fussing and he's always crying. Is there an answer to his Christmas Meltdown?

Bah Humbug! Sounds like your home has turned from happy to miserable real fast. Let's see if we can put our detective hat on and see what might be happening.

From birth until age two most children are simply taking in the sights. They are exploring yes...but most of it is to accumulate stimulus and let their brains get used to navigating their little bodies. When they begin to repeat simple words, you can begin the process of communication and training.

At two years old your child should be using two word sentences and be able to understand simple commands and concepts. At age three your child is using three to five word sentences and is asking "what, where and when". Your child should be using intelligible words about 80% of the time and his vocabulary is about 300-1,000 words.

Here's the clue for your child. This comment was written to go along with a booklet entitled Stages of Growth and maturity. You can write me for a copy of the entire booklet.

"From birth to age two, it is vital that you make sense to your child. Explain everything. Not only the physical but the emotional, educational, social and stress areas as well. By age four your child will have developed a sense of who and what you are. Because their concentration level is still only about 45-60 seconds, they will still make mistakes and some of those mistakes will seem like defiance. But, If you look closer at the reasons for sudden meltdowns you might find out that your child is dealing with a tidal wave of information and simply doesn't have the tools to deal with it all.

Imagine that you just took a job as a secretary to five lawyers. You spent three weeks training with the previous secretary. Today is your first day all by yourself. You know you can do it, but that repetitive attitude - I don't have to think about it cause I just know how to do it - hasn't evolved. You sit down and look around. Your office is beautiful and you are so excited you landed such an important and stimulating job.

Your bliss is interrupted when one boss comes in and yells that he wants coffee, a phone call and an entire file folder copied and on his desk in 10 minutes. Another boss arrives and fusses about some check that your predecessor should have mailed and you better find it and now! Another boss arrives smiling and wants to be friends. He wants you to stop by so he can give you the "welcome" speech. The fourth boss yell a cuss word followed by a command that you didn't get because four lines are now ringing. The fifth boss tells you not to park where you did and to let him know when his call to London comes through. You know, the one you just hung up on. You break the heal of your shoe getting to the first boss and ......

Well...you get the idea. How would you handle that? Would you have a meltdown?

So what's that got to do with your 4 year old? He's learned a lot of words, learned how to manipulate his body, learned about presents and fun times. He likes movement because it's so cool to get his body to do stuff that he couldn't do for a long time. The world looks to him like one big toy store. He hasn't learned about disappointments, work ethics or rejections. He doesn't know anything about grandmothers that don't like messy tables or dirty clothes. All he understands is that if something looks cool - investigate, cause it probably is!

And you...He loves you, but you've gone from "Let's go see" to "No, don't touch." He doesn't understand that the principle of digging in the summer ground for worms doesn't work with poinsettias.

What I'm trying to say is that yes...he's wrong. Yes....he needs to be restrained....but you're wrong too. You can't take an inexperienced child with all that energy and place him in a house full of stimulus and expect him to remain calm.

Why would you think that a child that doesn't have the capacity to remember what happened when he was three would remember the cool tree from last Christmas. He won't. But here comes Mom with two boxes of ornaments and lights and this big tree that looks like a tall forest from his viewpoint. He stands there looking up and smelling the pine scent. He's not going to think "Oh, I better be careful, this is going to make a mess."

No, a four year old is thinking...."Wow, cool. Wonder if this tree has a squirrel in it? Cool, look at that green stuff dropping off. Wonder if I could make them all fall off? Should I pull them or can I just brush them. What's this icky stuff? It makes my fingers stick together. What would happen if I put it on this toy or this table? Daddy lets me climb the tree out front. I bet I could climb this one too. Pretty clinking things! What would happen if I bounced this glass ball?"

Children are stimulated the most by what colors? Primary colors. Deep reds, blues and greens.

And what have you decorated your house with??? Deep reds, blues and greens.

Have a heart Mom....give that kid a break! Don't give in to him and make him a brat, but do teach him how to be excited without destroying the house.

How?

Take one full day to train him. Don't plan anything for the day except one on one time with you and the house. Take him around and let him touch and feel the pretty things. Tell him he can't play with them and show him why. Take an ornament or trinket that you don't mind breaking and show him how fragile they are. Throw it down or put it in a cloth and crush it with your shoe. Let him hear it break and see the damage. Then explain that if we break these, we won't have the money to replace them. That's why you can't allow him to launch off the couch.

After he has the information needed to calm down about Christmas - design a plan. Maybe you will want to corral his excitement by allowing him to play with a new toy everyday. Take toys out of his room and wrap them up. Everyday - if he is calm during the day - he is allowed to open a present after supper to play with. Make the game more exciting by wrapping them in funny ways and seeing if he can guess the toy before he opens it.

All day long when his little mind and body gets too excited point to the "daily" presents and say, "Remember that if you stop this and control your body, you can open one of those." You will be training him to concentrate on a goal, control his emotions, plan for the future and control his body." Wow! That quite an accomplishment.

Allow him to participate in what your doing. A little mess while he rolls his own cookie dough takes less time to clean up than dealing with an out of control child for two hours.

If you go shopping be sure and include time for him. Don't make him run double time to keep up with you or wait for two hours while you pick out a shirt. Take along plenty of snacks and small toys to keep him occupied. Take or get a stroller so he won't get tired of walking. Stop every 15 minutes to tickle, cuddle and play. And while you are in the middle of shopping, include him by asking, "Do you like this? Do you think Daddy will like this? Can you help me find a red one?"

I hope this helps. If it doesn't, send a more detailed account of your problems to my personal e-mail address debbie@debbiejansen.com and I'll try to sort it all out. You might also want to go to my store and order "How to have a Goof Proof Christmas". It has lots of tips for yourself as well as your children.

Merry Christmas!

Debbie

It's Here !!!

Discipline Exposed is finally on the market and sitting in boxes at my house!

If you go back to my website, http://www.debbiejansen.com/ you can click on the "resource" tab and it will pull up a picture of the book and a list of the chapter titles.

You can purchase the book at "my store" and I will autograph it and send it within 24 hours. It will make a nice gift for that new mother or for the parents of a troubled teen. I am praying that every copy will inspire parents and help them design a home of hope and peace. As I say on the very first page....

"An unruly child is NOT an inevitable consequence to reproduction. It is possible to live in harmony with your child."

This book will be a great resource for Sunday Schools, mops groups, small classes as well as extra reading for teachers and college courses. As always, I am available for speaking engagements and will work with any group that wants to use this book. If you read the book, I would appreciate your comments and views.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Is Sunday School Necessary?

"My four year old is a pretty good kid. He's normal of course and acts like a typical four year old, but he's not out of control. I can ask him to be nice or to sit still and he does. I can tell him "no" and he may argue a little, but he calms down and minds pretty quickly. That's why I'm puzzled. He has become a monster at Sunday School. His teacher is insisting that he's interrupting the class and that I need to do something. I've talked to him and to other parents, but I don't have a clue why this is happening. I've asked my husband if Sunday School is really all that necessary. Maybe we should just stay home. Oh...and the other thing is that he is fine during children's church - but a monster during Sunday school? I don't get it. Please help me."

Of course I can help. If this is not normal behavior, then there's a reason he is acting out in Sunday School. This type of situation calls for a Mommy Detective.

Before we tackle what might be happening once you reach church, lets be sure everything at home is okay. Ask yourself the following questions...

1. Are you super busy on Saturday? In other words, is it possible that his routine is so drastically changed on Saturday that he feels out of sorts and irritable on Sunday.

2. Does he sleep well on Saturday nights? If he wakes up tired and irritable on Sunday it could be hard for him to get started. However, like employees on Monday afternoon, once he's had a meltdown in his first class - he has had the time to readjust and squeak by during children's church. Perhaps the difference in teaching personalities is enough to help him calm down.

3. Do you change his diet on Saturdays or on Sunday mornings? For example, are you eating fun foods like pizza on Saturday or donuts on Sunday mornings? A change in diet can cause irritability in children. Perhaps a trip to the potty before going to children's church eliminates some of the problem. Perhaps a snack food before children's church calms him down.

4. Check out his clothes. Is there anything he could be wearing on Sunday that might provoke a difference in his attitude. Perhaps it irritate him at first until he gets used to it.

5. How about your abilities on Sunday morning? Do you react differently to the Sunday morning rush than you do to the Monday morning rush. Perhaps you are more argumentative and you or your husband set the trend for the day.

Do the detective thing and quietly observe. Take several Sunday mornings to step back and just watch. Watch for any clue that your child is gearing up to be on the offensive.

If you still don't have a clue as to why your child is acting out, it's time to check out the Sunday school class. Continue to observe as you drive to church. Listen for any type of talk that would give you a clue. Listen to siblings and how they are responding to Sunday school, listen to your husbands conversation and pay attention to your own. Do you cut certain people down or give the impression that there are people at your church that don't deserve your compassion?

Spend the first week of observation walking around outside the door to your child's classroom. Without going inside you can listen without alarming the teacher or the other students. Listen not only to their conversations, but pay close attention to your child's reactions.

The second week, ask the teacher if you can sit in on the class. Explain to your child that you are doing some "very special work" and that he's not allowed to come to you during the class. If there is a curtain or some type of barrier, try to sit behind it so you can't be seen. Of course, everyone will watch their behavior with you in the room so being out of sight might cause them to relax and give you a clue as to what normally happens.

If you believe the teacher is partly to blame, don't jump all over her. Compassion is the key. Perhaps you could word it this way - "I think my son will respond differently if you approach him this way......"

The third week, sit in plain view so you can watch your child's body language. Watch his eyes and the placement of his hands. Does he seem confused or left out? Does he look as if he's not part of the group? How are the other children treating him? Is he having trouble relating to the other children or does he appear to have many friends?

Finally, attend children's church. For this part of your research, there's no need to be out of sight. Since your child does well here, the only thing you need to ask yourself is, how is this class different from Sunday School? How is the teacher different? How are his relationships different? How is he different? Does he appear to be sleepy - more subdued?

Finally, after you've done all the research - talk to your child. Doing all the research first will give you the right to discuss what he may be doing wrong. Ask him why he's having a problem. Listen for words or phrases that might suggest a headache or allergy. Listen for clues that might suggest learning difficulties or other issues with the teacher - without just accepting, "I don't like her". If he is partly to blame, insist that he change his behavior. Explain in detail why other will respond better to his needs if he changes his own behavior.

Once you feel like you have all the information, mull it over and cover it with prayer. You should be concerned about helping your child navigate through life. Don't just jump on the teacher, slam the class or become negative about the setting. Help your child and your church discover new ways to attend to every one's needs while accepting the fact that we are all on a journey to find out more about our faith and our Savior.

Pray, pray, pray. The clues should be coming together and forming a pattern. The clues should help your identify why your child is having a problem. If after all this you still can't see clearly - send the facts to me and we'll figure it out together.

Yes, I believe that Sunday School is necessary! Small children need to hear the old stories over and over geared to their age group. One of my dearest mentors was an elementary age Sunday school teacher. Don't take your children out of those wonderful classes. Instead, help him to learn how to enjoy every minute.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Heritage - a must for self-esteem

Children are great imitators.

Children love to make faces and play follow the leader. So why does contemporary psychology lie about their ability to embrace the philosophies or traditions of their family?

While I can't address personal motives, I can guarantee that it is possible to teach your children to appreciate the things you love. Children are not destined to hate your life.

Children reject Mom and Dad's beliefs or likes and dislikes because they haven't been taught to love them. Let's put on our Mommy Detective star and see if we can figure our why children often reject family ties.

Let's suppose your child is four and very active. You have decided that since it's brought you so much pleasure, your child "must" understand and love symphonic music as you do. You make him sit very still in the living room and listen to your old tapes of symphonies. You try to point out special parts but he's either sleeping or uncomfortable because he has to be still. You decide to expose him to a live symphony but you end up taking him out of the auditorium when he can't sit still. You fuss all the way home about the price of the ticket and the awful way he acted.

Look at it from his point of view. You forced something that sounds boring on him and then required him to respect your views without giving him the tools to understand your views. You insisted that he control his active little body and endure a situation he doesn't understand without the slightest bit of help from you. I could list specifics like being frustrated when he yelled, "Where's the popcorn?" but...well....you get the picture.

The point is that if we want our children to love what we love, we have to understand their point of view and try to help them see ours. Above all, we must make it fun.

Dancing around the room and making up stories to go along with a symphony is a lot more appealing than trying to sit still and make pictures in your mind. Attending a concert in the park seems like more fun to a 5-year-old than going to a fancy auditorium. In other words....don't push - lead. Help your child "experience" the joy you have experienced.

Be patient. Stay calm. Be fun.

Even if your child develops a different viewpoint, at least he will be able to share in your appreciation for your heritage. I know many young adults that prefer contemporary music, but can appreciate the heritage of gospel music. I've watched them hug a grandparent and sing the old hymns until that grandparent burst into tears of love for both child and music. That moment becomes a treasured memory that will last both lifetimes.

It's a must that parents develop a strong heritage. Our children need to feel a strong connection to family and the things that define that family. The lessons for how to belong are taught best by the inclusion in family traditions and relationships. While it will turn out negative if we demand and push, it is possible to teach our children to accept and love who we are and what our family stands for.

My husband Ron comes from a rich heritage of farmers. I came from a rich heritage of preachers and city folks. When our children were born I decided that they would know both sides of the family. At the time we were living in Atlanta, Georgia - can't get more city than that - and they were miles from farmland. Every summer I packed a huge trunk and spent a month with Ron's parents on their 365 acre farm.

I encouraged the children to ride the tractors with grandpa and help grandma pick tomatoes and beans. We walked the dirt lanes that snaked into the corn and climbed apple trees for the sweetest apples growing near the top. We picked flowers and snuggled on green grass looking for pictures in the clouds. I was totally out of my element and had to work to find interesting things to do, but my children picked up on my desire to "love" Ron's heritage. I taught them to enjoy adventures and to appreciate another way of life.

All three children have an appreciation for the farm and the lifestyle of their grandparents. Going to the farm for a visit isn't a chore - it's a treat and a blessing. Anytime they see tractors or farmland, their face softens and they want to share the experience with their Dad. None of my children have chosen to be farmers - but that wasn't the goal. The goal was to give them a rich heritage and a strong self-esteem that says, "I belong to a family of worth."

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Help.....it's hopeless!

As I travel and do more conferences, I am stunned by the level of frustration and feelings of hopelessness. Many homes are like those we see on television nanny programs. Parents love their children but don't have the tools to parent properly. You would think that with all the books and literature produced about parenting that solving problems would be a simple matter of reading a book.

Unfortunately, books skim the surface of problems and deal with only one area at a time. You would have to read hundreds in order to know how to deal with every problem of parenting. Some problems will never be dealt with in a book. Publishers have to make money to stay in business. They can't afford to spend thousands publishing a book that will appeal to a small percentage of people. So where can that small percentage go to find help?

They can call or send me an e-mail. I am in the process of writing booklets (over 80 of them) to serve every area of parenting not just the big topics. These booklets may only start the process or for some they may list steps to solving the problem. Either way....I am your partner. We can do this.

If you have read my bio on the website, you know that I have a psychology degree. I don't want to ever make anyone serving in the psychological field feel bad about their job. However, you must be careful in believing everything you hear. The overall feeling of contemporary psychology is that parenting is a losing project. According to their philosophy, you can love your baby, have fun with your preschooler, be involved with your elementary student; but when it comes to pre-teen and teens - your life as a parent is over. At that point you will suffer no matter what you do to prevent it. Your child is destined to be rebellious and hard to handle and basically will make your life miserable. You will be forced to watch the divide between you and your child grow into the Grand Canyon and it will probably end your relationship.

How depressing! Why would anyone want to have children knowing that's in their future.

Well my depressed parent....I HAVE GOOD NEWS!!!!

CONTEMPORARY PSYCHOLOGY IS LYING TO YOU

God has given you the tools and the abilities to have a great child, a warm and loving home and a relationship that will last until you're laying in a hospital room preparing to die. You can raise children who care about your well being and who will provide a lifetime of love and will have personal lives you can admire! Whether you are a Christian or not - you have the tools within your scope of parenting.

Parents are the most powerful people in the world. We have the ability to change the future!

"Alright Debbie! Tell me how....please tell me how."

It's not that hard and it won't take days of time. It will take a commitment and some determination.

Start by sending me an e-mail and letting me know what problems you have. ALL PARENTING AND FAMILY ISSUES CAN BE SOLVED. You may have to suffer a few consequences along the way, but they can be solved. It will be easier if we begin a plan when children are young, but older children and adults will respond as well. IT'S NOT HOPELESS.

Call your church, school or social group and ask for The Family Training Center to come and do some of our 80 classes. Even though I was also bound by some of the issues within the publishing business, I encourage you to get my new book, Discipline Exposed. I worked extremely hard to provide the necessary information for you, the reader, to instantly see why your child isn't responding to your parenting style. I also included ways you can improve that style and get the results you want. Discipline Exposed is not a gimmick, it's a way of life that transforms everyone in the family.

I can also teach you the steps you need to learn how to be a Mommy Detective and find out those little clues that will lead to success. There's a 5 point plan on how to be a Mommy Detective on my website. I'm in the process of writing my second book, Mommy Detective so you can evaluate your own home.

Parenting is not a hopeless project. You can do this! I guarantee it!

Write me and let's get started to making your home all you envisioned it to be.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Our children - little apples of Gold

If you've read my blog at Family Tracks, you know about IKE blowing through our town. Over 300,000 people in Ohio were without power. Debris was everywhere. I was one of the lucky ones with power. Unfortunately I didn't have Internet, cable or phones for several days.

Before I could roll my trash can to the street I had to carve a path through hundreds of apples that had fallen off our tree. They covered our driveway and many had been smashed when my husband left for work.

I grabbed a rake and began pushing them to the side. I felt as though I was in an apple rodeo. I'd have 10 or 15 in the claws of my rake but as I pushed them to the side, 4 or 5 would break loose and make a run for the slope in the driveway. It wasn't long until 40-50 were at the end of the driveway and several made it to the middle of the street. No problem, right? Just get behind them and do the golf thing. Hit them for all it's worth and send them sailing up the driveway into the pile.

Golf - no way. Pool - maybe. Most of them made it 1/2 to 1/4 up the driveway and then rolled back down. The few that did go sailing hit the pile of apples and sent them spinning in all directions as if the cue ball had just hit dead center......and of course that sent another 50 or so down the driveway.

Since my back wasn't doing so well, I didn't want the repetitive action of picking each apple up. The only way to get them to the top of the hill was if I raked them to the side of the driveway and then up the grass. Those pesky little apples needed something to hang on to in order to make it up the driveway - they just couldn't do it alone. I felt sorry for the ones that escaped my guidance and were smushed in the road by passing cars.

It made me think of our children. If you'll notice the first picture - in the middle of all those apples is a bird's nest. I'm so glad it's fall and that in all probability the little ones housed in that nest are grown and gone. But it reminded me that our children need to have the comfort of our nest. They need to be shielded from storms and wind. They need to know that even when the world dishes out everything it can in order to rattle their resolve; our children can return home and find peace, comfort and love.

It breaks my heart to watch shows like Supernanny. How awful for children to feel lost in their own homes, to be struggling alone without the proper love, training and peace that parents are supposed to give. The other side of that however, is that parents need the love and support of their children as well.

When the home is at it's best, parents aren't trying to play golf or pool with their children. When problems arise they aren't trying to "send them sailing" up a hill.

Instead, they provide guidance. They ease them to the sidelines and guide them up the hill, holding their hands the entire way.

And the children....they are protected by their parent's guidance. They aren't alone in the middle of the road facing the tires of an oncoming car. They aren't flying full force into the piles of unguided children at school. Instead, they are guided by the loving rake and the cool grass of their parent's wisdom. That wisdom builds a bond that can't be broken and will cause the child to forever desire their parent's love.

When you choose to guide instead of provoke, your little Apples of Gold will have the chance to become all they were designed to be.

Seeking His Wisdom

Debbie

Never punish a child for "being" a child

Mommy and Daddy are adults. Babies are not.

Mommy and Daddy can plan. Babies can not.

Mommy and Daddy know all about consequences. Babies do not.

Your greatest tool as a parent is to understand what your child can and can't do during all the stages of his life.

Don't expect a two-year-old to think about the floor when his cup has lost it's top and the red Kool-aid is making neat little circles on the white carpet. He is at the point in his life when red circles will fascinate him while keeping mommy's carpet stain free will not.

Don't punish a three-year-old because he can't sit still in a stroller while you shop for two hours. His little body isn't made that way and he simply does not have the mental brain power to sit still while you check out the newest fashions.

Don't punish a four-year-old for putting water in the car gas tank. How is he supposed to know that cars don't run on water?

Don't punish a seven-year-old for telling Aunt Martha that he doesn't like frogs anymore - even if she did give him frog underwear for Christmas. Unless you have given him lessons on polite behavior even when we don't like something - he probably doesn't realize that he might hurt her feelings.

All of the above situations deserve to be treated as training exercises and are not worthy of punishment. If you need a plan to train and help your child navigate some of the challenging stages of his life - go to http://www.debbiejansen.com/ and look under resources. You can order two brochures that will help. The Penny System and Stages of life will help you to understand your child. Or you can send me an e-mail with any questions you have.

Seek His Wisdom,

Debbie

A haunting poem

I have a book in my library that was given to Ron for his 20th birthday. I love the book. It has become one of my favorites. God is no fool by Lois A. Cheney is comprised of 99 poems. Each and every one has driven me into hours of deep contemplation. If you can find this book - buy it.

I often teach about how our children watch us and how powerful our "lives" are in the training of our children. We speak volumes often not with what we say - but rather how we act and re-act when hidden in our homes. I hope you will see the great lesson in Lois Cheney's poem # 44.

forty-four

The pain of pain is disappointment, for it cannot be taped or healed or cut away. Dull, creeping out of nowhere, it settles and seeps, covering heart, mind and perspective.

The task that loomed as special, glowing with promise and challenge, slips into meaninglessness. The task aimed at, sought for, planned on, arrives; and what glowed is tarnished, and what beckoned seems hollow. And disappointment smothers.

The eyes that loomed as special, glowing with warmth and shared moments, slip into the sea of uncaring eyes. Moments awaited, arrive; and untrue words rattle aimlessly around the room. What seemed real now appears false; what appeared expansive now narrows. And disappointment smothers.

One could become angry and feel cheated in the disappointments that move into hopes, dreams, and daily steps. One could turn hard, cold--except for two questions.

How many times do others watch me in dull disappointment?
How often do the eyes of Christ look on, throbbing in disappointment?

God have mercy on us.

Boy - Lois gets me every time. Remember - your children are watching you. Be the model they need.

Seeking His Wisdom

Debbie

Protecting your child with...

When counseling with troubled children, the #1 thing I look for is their level of self-esteem. If it's too low, they will be filled with guilt, insecurities and fears. If it's lop-sided and they have turned a proper self-esteem into a controlling addiction, they will be bullies. If it's so low it's almost non-existent - my job is going to take a long time.

The most important thing you can do for your child is to protect them with a healthy self-esteem. A healthy self-esteem will not destroy others in order to promote self. A healthy self-esteem will value others and will be able to work side by side for a common good. A healthy self-esteem will be able to sacrifice as well as receive (gracefully) the gifts of others.

A healthy self-esteem will protect your child. It will be easier for him to stand up for what's right, to stay within the convictions of your family, to work with others and to listen to instructions. He/she will not be fooled by the taunts of others because they have confidence in their own worth. His belief in who he is will allow him to excel in his talents. Her belief in her own value will allow her to resist conformity to other struggling children or teens. How?

A healthy self-esteem is based on truth.

1. A person with a healthy self-esteem knows and likes who they are. Their talents aren't puffed up - they are real. They are comfortable with their strengths and abilities and they can acknowledge their faults or shortcomings. They realize that they are valuable and important in their own small world.

2. A person with a healthy self-esteem does not bully others. They realize that we all are important in our own way. They quickly find a way to accept others and allow them to succeed.

3. A person with a healthy self-esteem can listen to instruction. They are teachable and that will cause them to be a VIP to their teachers.

4. Bullies have a hard time hurting children with a healthy self-esteem. A child with a proper self-esteem will quickly realize that anything a bully says is a lie. By not buying into the lie - the bully is neutralized.

5. A person with a healthy self-esteem will also be in control of his temper.

6. A person with a healthy self-esteem will work harder to excel in his talent. The more success he has, the harder he works to improve. It's a wonderful cycle that will take his life to new heights.

7. A person with a healthy self-esteem just has more fun. They are able to relax and enjoy life.

8. A person with a healthy self-esteem will have more friends. We all gravitate to people we can enjoy.

Protect your child. Be a great Mommy detective and give your child the tool he/she needs to be successful in life. Give them a healthy self-esteem.

Seek His Wisdom

Debbie

Excellence has many components

Most new parents look at a sleeping baby and their minds flood with hopeful images of successful days and adult achievements. What will this baby be 25 years from now?

I'm not a sports person. Never have been. I do appreciate genius and the journey a person must take to arrive at that level. This last week-end I was privileged to watch the opening ceremony for the 2008 Olympics. About 2/3 through the show, one commentator announced, "Retire the trophy. No one will ever top this."

The show was a feast of miraculous images that expanded your mind, thrilled your eyes and ignited your imagination. It was not only a tribute to the genius of the co-directors, Chinese filmmaker Zhang Yimou and Chinese choreographer Zhang Jigang, but it featured a cast of over 15,000 performers, and was dubbed beforehand as "the most spectacular Olympics Opening Ceremony ever produced.

I would guess that about 80% of the program my mouth was open in complete awe! It's difficult in America to get five people to agree and work together. This show had over 15,000 people working as one machine to produce an unbelievable majestic event.

I kept wondering about the directors, the 15,000 extremely disciplined performers and the dedication of everyone to create such a mind boggling show. I thought about America's latest attempts at fantastic shows and I was embarrassed. How pathetic that we think a rock band, costume malfunctions and a few fireworks are able to express our finest dreams.

As Mommy Detectives we must ask ourselves what components are needed to prepare a child to express his art in such a cornucopia of ways. These men and women collectively had to have a knowledge of history, both Chinese and Olympic. They had to have some knowledge of the participants and why they were coming to the Olympics. They had to understand a universal language and how to express their thoughts in that language. They had to be disciplined and strong as a well as being able to inspire others to be dedicated to the cause and disciplined in their respective areas. They had to be attentive to details and how to form a progressive plan to carry out each detail. They had to be artistic and creative yet sensitive to the needs of the individual. They had to be able to touch over 90,000 people in the stadium with their message and actually bring them to their feet in unison respect for the art.

Their task was huge. It would not be accomplished without a commitment to "Excellence" and a desire to push their own talents to the maximum. This huge goal would never be accomplished with whiners, students who are happy with D's or individuals who think embarrassment on a reality show is achieving your personal best.

Discipline will always take a society to the level of excellence. America is suffering because we are training our youth that "Dumb and Dumber" is acceptable and "Valedictorians" are not. I recently heard a quick blurb on a news show that a county school board was being sued to make valedictorians illegal. Those suing felt that "It makes those that can't achieve that level feel bad." I've heard that other school systems are considering a "no grade" policy. Excellence will never grow within a pass/fail philosophy. Whiners will always lower the bar for any society.

I beg all you Mommy Detectives to train your children to push their limits, go for the gold, strive for excellence and be all that God has called them to be! As Debbie (Michael Phelps mom - 7 Gold medalist) Phelps is proving, we can be a powerful influence in helping our children achieve their best.



Seek His Wisdom

Debbie

A piece of the Puzzle

Children are like sponges. They will absorb everything in their environment. As Mommy detectives we must evaluate every part of their lives and make a conscious decision to give "value" to every clue.

One of the most valuable clues to a child's behavior is the relationship between their parents. As the divorce rate climbs we must consider the problems it will cause the children. I don't want to get into the complicated issues of divorce - at least not in this blog - but we must accept that divorce does cause problems. Whether or not it is right to divorce (and in some cases it is) isn't the issue. The problems you have with your spouse will change your child's behavior. No matter how careful, no matter how kind or loving - your child will be affected by your divorce.

By the same token, if you stay together you child will be affected by your marriage. The simple fact is that your child is watching you. If you are kind to your spouse, he will subconsciously learn to be kind to his spouse. If you are argumentative, vindictive, spiteful or a nagging spouse, your child will relate to others in the same way.

Your marriage is a huge part of how you teach your child. It will determine his pre-conceived ideas about outside relationships.

One of your first Mommy Detective clues should be to evaluate your marriage and be sure you are sending the right message about how to treat others. Only a strong healthy marriage or (in the case of single parent homes) a strong healthy relationship with those outside the family - will produce a child ready for healthy relationships.

Before investigating other clues, be sure you are leading by example. Be sure your actions toward your spouse represent a healthy picture of love.

Tomorrow Ron and I will celebrate 34 wonderful years of marriage. Our children are quick to say that watching our relationship has taught them a lot about love. I am confident that you too will be able to help your child visualize "love" by how your treat your spouse or those outside your home.


A few funnies.....

The wife turned to her husband and asked, "Will you love me when my hair turns gray?"

"Why not?" he said. "Haven't I loved you through five other shades?"

**********

A young man was proposing to his girlfriend: "Honey, I love you, but I wish I could give you the things my friend Benny has --boats, cars, airplanes -- but honey, I really love you."

She replied, "I love you too, baby, but tell me more about Benny."

***********

Dave told his wife Marylou he would take her out to dine like royalty.

Later Marylou reported, "We started out at Burger King and wound up at the Dairy Queen."

***********

She: "This is an ideal spot for a picnic."

He: "It must be. Fifty million insects can't be wrong."

If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,your children will always return.


Seek His Wisdom,

Debbie

Why should I become a Mommy Detective?

Good Question!

Life is all about asking good questions isn't it? Like detectives, if we don't ask the right question we may not get the answers we need.

In one of the first episodes of The Andy Griffith show, Opie is being reprimanded for not giving money to the charity drive at school. All the other children are giving 50 cents or a dollar but not Opie. Opie gives the huge amount of three cents. For 25 minutes Andy tries to convince Opie to give more money. Finally in the last scene, Andy gives up. He tells Opie that it doesn't matter what he gives and that he will love him anyway.

"If you want to keep your money to take your little friend Charlotte to the movies, well, I guess that's okay. Or even if you want to buy her candy or popcorn or a nice gift, that's okay too."

"I don't want to do that Pa."

"You don't?"

"No, I want to buy her a coat. Her ma doesn't have much money and I am saving up to buy her a winter coat. The one she has now has holes in it."

"Well, Opie....you didn't tell me that. Why didn't you let me know that's what you were saving for?"

"You never asked!"

Being a Mommy Detective is not about invading the privacy of your child's space. Being a mommy detective is finding out as many clues as you can in order to provide a safe home and to help your child become all that God created him/her to be.

We must look a our child's world with the fresh eyes of a detective - understanding that it's the tinest clues that make the difference in how our children perceive the world.

For a deeper understanding of this process you can pre-order my newest book, Discipline exposed. My next book Mommy Detective will explore all the ways we can get involved and help our children.

Let's pretend you have to solve a crime. Your child is acting out and you aren't sure why, but you know that if it continues it will damage his grades, relationships and his future. Yelling and spanking may deter the problem for a moment but it will not address the underlying cause. You want to eliminate the problem completely so you must find out what's causing the bad behavior. Put on your detective star, get out your notepad and let's get started.

The five points on your detective star stand for the following:

1. Any good detective will investigate the scene of the crime.

In other words, always place yourself in your child’s world. Try to see what they see, live with their problems and view their friends. I was counseling with a troubled teen and had a terrible time finding the source of the problem. Finally, I spent a day at the school. Watching her classmates and friends led me to the cause of her problems.

2. Watch body language.

Nothing tells you more about your child’s inner feelings than body language. Watch their face, eyes and hands. Watch as they interact with others. Are they nervous, do they fidget? Did you know that an abused child will use body language to tell an investigator who is doing the abuse? They are frightened to tell on the abuser so they usually sit in his/her lap. This way they assure the abuser that they are protecting them, but sub-consciously they are sending a message to the investigator – this is my abuser.

3. Make talking a comfortable experience.

Remember how Detective Columbo reassured the killer. He was always nice and did all he could to make the killer comfortable. I’m not suggesting that we look at our children as killers, but we will get more information with acceptance than if we blurt out our suspicions.

4. Listen for tiny clues.

Sometimes the smallest clue can be the most devastating. The human mind is like a detailed puzzle. Tiny bits of information can be tucked away in our memory cells and change our lives forever. Watch for the little clues your child uses to alert you to a problem.

A young teen was having a hard time at school. Her grades were plummeting. Her hygiene was suffering and her eating habits were changing. She was not on drugs and was somewhat popular. She was not being bullied and seemed content with school. A physical revealed she was healthy. Her parents were happily married and her home was safe. What could cause this drastic change?Mom listened for every tiny clue. It took several months of making sure she heard every word the young teen said.

One Saturday afternoon they were watching the Olympics. The teen expressed how much she liked sports. The conversation revealed that she believed she couldn't marry and have a good relationship if she was involved in sports. “Women who have great lives are feminine.” Mom was a very feminine woman but her daughter was better suited for sports.

This young teen was denying her purpose in life because she was afraid of failing at her future marriage. When mom explained that you could have both, the problem was resolved and she went on to be both feminine and successful at sports.

5. Check all related sources.

Detectives don’t stop at the crime scene they look for motives, causes, weapons and accomplices. Anything your child touches, breathes, reads, listens to, participates in, talks with, learns from or brushes against has the potential to change his thinking. Never rule out anything.

As we become good detectives we will have the information to help our children succeed. Wear the star proudly. Don’t be a bumbling goof, earn the right to be a respected parenting “Columbo”.

Seek His Wisdom

Debbie

Coming soon

The first post for Mommy Detective is being written today. Hopefullly it should post by tomorrow. In the meantime, send your questions to debbie@debbiejansen.com. Together we will find an answer to any problem you have. Your name or any distinguishing traits will never be mentioned on the blog. Your confidentiality is important to me.