Precious Pointers

The water for noodles boiled over and sent a gummy foam rushing to your floor.  Your two-year-old vomited on your new living room furniture.  Rushing your son to the bathroom, you bust through the door to find your four-year-old daughter covered in the expensive face cream you bought last week.  Your cell phone rang but slipped out of your hand when your son wiggled, screamed and knocked it into the toilet. 

You need a little love, a little encouragement and maybe a thought or two to help you when this happens again.  What you don't need is a long book to read, a discussion or debate on the joys of parenting or a blog entry that seems to go into infinity.

Precious pointers is a quick tid bit of information that may lift your spirit or give you insight into your child.  With no more than 120 words, it's a quick read that will help you raise those tiny look-a-likes that run around your home.

Check back often and see if there's a Precious Pointer that fits your need.

#1  You Can Do It

#2  Children are Imitators

#3  "No" is a great word

#4  Life must be fair

#5  Never punnish bystanders

#6  Don't treat your children like dogs

#7  Set the bar High

#8  Have Fun with your child

#9  Don't waffle

#10 Age appropriate Discipline

#11 Parenting is a process


Seeking His Wisdom,


Debbie

Happy Father's Day!

Father's Day is an important day to celebrate.  My Dad is a wonderful man.  I often tell him that whatever I accomplish in life it will be because of something he taught me.  Of course, I feel by mother that way as well....but for different reasons. 


Pick ten of your favorite blogs or sites and read over the reasons they give for why they appreciate fathers.  You'll probably find things like dependability, strength, sportsmanship, love of nature.....All wonderful traits, but about the same for everyone.  Some people feel like Dad is just in the household for the fun element and to pay for everything.  "Dad's just wanna have fun..." or something like that.  But...if Dad's don't offer anything to their children in the way of guidance, what's the difference in them and an absent father?

My Dad is an unique man and has a full and varied resume.  A minister for over 60 years, he's also been a missionary pilot, subcontractor, missionary around the world, author, painter, musician and the list goes on and on.  In the above picture he was on a worldwide missionary trip and was standing by a mine field in North Korea.  No, he wasn't the kind of missionary that stays in swanky hotels in the protection of the city.  He road elephants through jungles and preached in some of the most remote places in the world.

People often ask me what made him a great Father.  I think a great father is someone that is "pleasingly" different from mom.  Not opposites or fueding wills, but enough so a child gets to see two sides to every situation. 

For example, Mom was all about feelings and emotions.  She could look at a person across a crowded restaurant, approach them by saying something like - "Are you okay?" and within a few minutes she knew their personal history, all they were going through and would often end her conversation with a prayer.  Wow!  She was the same with me.  She always seemed to pay enough attention to my body language that she knew what was going on in my life.  No way to hide anything from her. 

Dad could sort of do that....but not to the same extent or for the same reasons.  He was more concerned about the mind and the inner heart.  He would feel bad if I was sad, but instead of being emotional, he would find a helpful book or would delve into all the why's about the situation.  He's one of the reasons I can be a Mommy Detective.  He taught me to look at life and figure it out.

Between them I was given a great education about life.  I knew how important it was to show emotion, to love deeply, to care about others feelings and to wrap my arms around them in support.  I also knew how important it was to study hard, to search for answers and to ask those bold questions.  I knew how to dig for the deeper meanings and how to end all that learning with another hug for support. 

The best part was when their talents overlapped.  When Dad spent two hours crying with me and letting me know he was concerned about my problems or when Mom spent an hour searching the scriptures to find just the right one I needed for a lesson.  It gave me hope that I could take the good from each parent and make my life the best it could be.

Perhaps as we end this wonderful Father's day, douse the last embers of the campfire and close the bag of marshmellows with a rubber band - we should ponder this question....

As a Dad, what is my personal life teaching my child?  What will they remember about me that helps them become a better person? 

Thanks Dad for all you taught me.  I'm a better person because of you.

I love you,

Debbie

Cesar Millan & Parenting Series

If you would like to follow the Cesar Millan series....here's all the links

#1     http://mommydetective.blogspot.com/2010/03/children-are-not-dogsright.html

#2     http://mommydetective.blogspot.com/2010/03/what-do-children-really-need.html

#3     http://mommydetective.blogspot.com/2010/03/your-child-must-trust-you.html

#4     http://mommydetective.blogspot.com/2010/03/imbalanced-children-are-in-state-of.html

#5     http://mommydetective.blogspot.com/2010/04/primal-instinct-in-dogs-and-in-children.html

#6      http://mommydetective.blogspot.com/2010_04_01_archive.html

#7      http://mommydetective.blogspot.com/2010/05/good-advice-cesar.html

Good advice Cesar

I found this video.  It's great advice.  His last point about helping our children help others is terrific.  I think most bullies and many "jerks" in the world come from children who have low self-esteem because they were not taught to think of others.  Children need to practice giving to others.  They need to give to their families, their churches and their friends - without being paid!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5y1quNg5yo


This video is great advice as long as you couple it with your faith in God.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Parenting takes courage

The biggest problem for most parents today is a lack of confidence and courage.  It is possible to Google any parental problem and get a thousand or more sites that will give you at least hundreds of ways to handle that problem.

Unfortunately most of all of those sites will have an agenda and most likely will give you the wrong advice.  Or...even worse....they will lead you to believe there is nothing you can do and no way to tackle the problem.  Instead, they will advise - just smile or pray or in some way try to avoid the problem and hope it goes away.  In other words, they encourage parents to be passive and to give up.  They insist that there is no way a parent can influence a child to be a better person.  (Hogwash!)

Children across this country are emotionally starving because they need strong leaders to help them navigate life.  In the absence of a strong leader at home, children try to fill that role without experience, wisdom, compassion or a true definition of love.  Even worse, when they feel their parents can't provide leadership or proper love - children reach out to other delinquents at school to fill that void.  In Cesar's words, they join a pack at school - a wild pack ruled by animal instinct rather than an honest view of life.  Mom and Dad cry....Grandma prays.....and society says "Don't blame the parents they have enough guilt already."

I don't believe in nagging and using guilt to force anyone to do anything.  BUT...there's a bigger problem here.  If we are so worried about "guilt" that we remain quiet about "TRUTH" - the battle for lives and souls is already lost. 

No one in this life has ever changed a habit - bad or good - when their life was successful and everything was going right.  Have you ever heard someone say - "Everything in my life is great! I think I'll change it all around."  Of course not.  The only time we think of changing things is when we are hurting or when someone says to us...."If you keep doing this bad thing, you will have major problems down the road."  That is one of our biggest roles as parents....we are the voice of reason that insists our children can live by higher standards.  Enlisting compassion and love, we can help our children achieve and be much more than "society" thinks is possible.  We can lead them into God's Higher Plan for their lives.

My point is this....Either parents need to have the courage to "Parent" and to say "NO" and to lecture their children on the evils of certain practices - or we are doomed to a future generation that will self-destruct!

When I look at young people who are self-destructing, my first question is - "Where were the parents?"  Why didn't they get involved?  Why didn't they do something to change this child's focus?  What did they do when they were four or five?  Why didn't they develop a strong sense of communication with that child?  Perhaps they did and the child still chose a delinquent path...but, the question needs to be out there. We need to encourage more parents to get involved. Children aren't plants; they need more than food and water.


In every show I've watched with Cesar Millan - The Dog Whisperer - he always says, "I train people so their dogs can be balanced."  It's always the owner that needs instruction and when the owner changes his ways, the dog instantly changes as well.  Parenting is no different. 

Yes, once a child is an adult we no longer have the same influence over that child - but what I did do when that child was 5 or 6 that will certainly help them now.  Children are like masterful paintings.  When you use a paint by number kit to copy someone else's work - one color and one stroke of the brush goes into one small shape.  But when the master is painting, it's done in layers.  There may be several colors on top of each other with edges blended and different brushes and strokes used.  What you do to help your child understand life at age 7 will be the base coat for everything that comes after.  He will build on those teachings and come to a specific philosophy for his life.

Rule #1 however, is that you must first know the rules of life.  You must first know and understand that lying will get you into trouble.  Only then can you explain it to your child.  Only then will you have the courage to insist that lying will not be tolerated.  Only then will you have the courage to discipline bad behavior. 

You can't be a trusted leader for your children until you know and follow the rules yourself.  Your children won't trust you as their leader if you demand they tell the truth yet you lie to your boss. 

Perhaps the first rule of good parenting is to get your own life in order and make a commitment to live an honest life in front of your child.  But....that will take a lot of courage! 

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Spanking vs.discipline vs. touching and Cesar Millan

Anytime I mention discipline some parents wince and question me about spanking.  Anytime I mention spanking, I receive negative e-mails and comments.  I believe that anytime any form of discipline is used in anger - it will not produce good results.  That's why I'm against "spanking" as a whole but for "popping".  Spanking suggests an out of control, let me at that wayward child attitude.  If the definition of spanking for you means a trip to the woodshed and a leather belt - I'm definitely against that!

Let's look at both sides though.  Some people think a soft word and a time out will do the trick.  The last time I watched Supernanny, a mother tried the time out thing over and over.  The child just got up and ran away screaming.  Finally totally frustrated, the mother dragged her child by one arm to time out.  She slammed her down in the chair and proceeded to scream at her.  That out of control Mom was just as destructive emotionally as a light spanking.  I've wondered how to explain to parents that a "pop" on the behind can snap a child out of destructive behavior and may not be as harsh as yelling at them as you drag them out of the mall while 58 people look on and shake their heads?

Again Cesar provided a new way to explain what I have done with the children I've helped.  I've probably watched 100 shows with Cesar Millan.  Yesterday he spent more time than usual on his "touching" method.  Some owners are very worried about hurting their dogs - especially smaller dogs.  Most parents are extremely worried about hurting their children and therefore reject any form of physical reprimand.  Yet, when a dog is in a high level of energy and wanting to act out Cesar remains totally calm and yet assertive. 

He explains, "I have to have a method of snapping them out of their "red zone" thoughts.  I am calm assertive and yet I must gain their attention.  That's when I choose one of three methods.  I either yank on the leash - pulling their head up so I'm the only thing they view.....or....I use my foot to tap their behind and move it to a different position - which will also make them look at me and therefore snap their brain into a different place.....or....I use my hand and form my fingers to represent the bite pattern of another dog.  Then I tap their neck with my hand as if a dog had just bitten them.  To touch them in this manner is not painful.  It's simply a strong touch that snaps them out of their present thinking.  This along with a noise will snap them out of their present state of mind causing them to look at my face and eyes.  When they look at me they see dominance and determination.  They know that I am not going to let them get away with their current behavior.  Now we can move on."

He goes on to caution that dogs don't relate to words and sending a barrage of commands after them only causes them to tune out the human and continue doing what they want to do.  (How many times has your child ignored your constant nagging or shouting commands?)  It's the touch that snaps their mind into a difference place.  AND by releasing immediately....the dog understands that if he goes into a red zone behavior he will be disciplined....if he relaxes and goes into a submissive behavior - the discipline is withdrawn.

So.....how can we relate this to children?  I personally don't believe that a simple time out and sweet words will handle an out of control child.  Time out works when the child is calm, but not so much when he's out of control.  If you've read my book, Discipline Exposed, you know that I believe in thinking outside the box.  When your child is calm you can try different methods to change his mind and get him on board with your decisions.  But when he's out of control, you must snap him out of that red zone mentality.  While I promote some "popping" I don't believe in an excessive amount and I definitely think it should be discontinued once you can have a conversation with your child. 

But...what do you do when your child is pitching a fit and out of control?  You've thought outside the box and provided discipline in other situations that have solved those problems and actually increased self-esteem.  This situation is different.  In Cesar's terms your child has escalated to the "red zone" and is totally out of control.  Remember what Cesar says....if you give affection and sweetness while in the red zone - you only make them more powerful and the misbehavior more desired.  Children are very much like out of control dogs in that when they are in the red zone their actions take on a primal or animalistic approach.  They won't find reason in words and simply are going to force their way on you.  If you don't take control at this point - you will never have control from this point on.  So....

1.  As if you were jerking the leash, grab both arms of your child and bring his face nose to nose with you.  Repeat this sentence in a calm assertive manner..."This is not acceptable and you will stop this right now."   If that doesn't stop the behavior, go to step two.

2.  If they do not understand words, a simple "pop" on the behind may snap them out of the red zone long enough for you to continue with #1.  If they are old enough to understand conversation, pick your child up and sit him down continuing to repeat the sentence in a calm assertive manner...."This is not acceptable and you will stop this now!"  If he doesn't calm down and instead escalates even further....go to step three...

3.  Nose to nose repeat this sentence - remember your energy must be calm and assertive, not angry.  "Either stop this now or I will stop it for you."  If they don't stop, then you must go to number four.

4.  This is for the most extreme cases of red zone behavior.  I call this the love wrap.  You sit down and put them in your lap.  Wrap your arms around their arms and chest.  You must not pull or stretch their arms. You are just holding them in place.  Wrap your legs over their legs so they can't kick.  Calmly and assertively continue repeating this sentence...."I love you very much but this behavior is unacceptable.  I cannot allow you to continue this behavior.  You must calm down.  I won't release you until you calm down."

This is important....you must follow through and stick it out.  As long as they are in the red zone you must stay with them.  No matter how exhausting for you, you must NOT give up on your child.  If you give up on this exercise...you child will never believe you again and will continue to test your boundaries and limits. 

I always try to get control of a child at home.  You don't want to allow your child to suffer from a low self-esteem because you tried to control him in front of others.  When I was challenged in a store, I left my buggy and immediately took him to the car so we could deal with his behavior in private.  I also NEVER reprimanded a child in public.  If my child was misbehaving say at a birthday party, I took him to a private bathroom to deal with his behavior - never in front of others. 

Your goal is to have your child learn social graces and have good experiences with others.  If he feels frustrated and embarrassed every time he goes into a social situation, it will take him 20 times longer to master the skill.

One last comparison to Cesar.  He makes a big point of releasing the leash the moment you get the desired behavior.  It's the same with children.  If your child has escalated to the red zone and you followed through with any level - once he calms down, you should release your grip.  Your face should turn to a smile and the verbal training should begin.

"I love you so much.  I can't allow bad behavior.  It's not good for our relationship and it will hurt your relationship with others.  Some people may not like you if you can't act properly in a social situation.  I promise you, that if you do what I'm asking - it won't hurt and you will have better friends, more fun and someday a better family of your own.  I'm very proud of you and the fact that you settled down.  You can do this, I know you can....."  and on and on.  Give lots of hugs and smiles.  Your child must know that you are proud of the fact that he's calmed down.

Cesar loves to say that most of the time it's not the dogs he trains, but the owners.  Don't be afraid to confront your child and take leadership of your home.  Just like the transformation of dogs on his show, I personally know and have witnessed that same quick transformation of children once they know that you are their calm assertive leader.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie

Primal Instinct in dogs and in children

For decades I've promoted what I believe is fact - "Children naturally want to obey their parents".
I don't believe that children naturally want to disobey.  I believe when a newborn receives care from adults that as he/she grows the natural response is to desire praise from those same adults.  It's only when the parent breaks the bond that you will see major problems.

Yes, if you are a Christian, we believe that children are born into a sinful world and that we do have sinful desires.  But....children can be trained to ignore those desires.  Without training and a parent's guidance, children do not have the tools to resist temptation.

Contemporary psychology tries to sell the idea that parents have no control when it comes to teaching their children how to resist temptation and live better lives.  It's much easier for psychologists and parents to just "give up" rather than try to help/change their children.  I also believe when a parents gives up their child will recognize negative "energy" and their response will also be negative.  At that point with no real leadership....a child will not only feel anxious but attempt to fill the void of leadership by taking over.

Anytime I'm faced with a difference of opinion, I try to be a detective and ask tough questions.  If helping a child move beyond temptations negative energy is impossible - why are so many people successful in training their children to do better?  For example, many parents fail at helping their children socially - yet that same child is "trained" to make grades a priority.  What's the difference?  Some children are disrespectful to parents but can contain their speech and actions when reacting to grandparents who may give them an inheritance.  Why is money a motivator and love isn't?

Anytime you ignore a "Primal" trait, the waters get muddy.  Listen to what Cesar says in his book Cesar's Way.  "As diverse as they are, the dogs work together as a pack.  Their deepest, most primal instinct guides them to follow me, their "pack leader," to obey me, and to cooperate with one another.  And each time we go through this exercise (a morning run), I am more closely bonded with them.  This is how nature intended a dog pack to work."

That leads me to ask the question, "How does God intend a family pack to work?"  Proverbs 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.  It doesn't get much clearer than that.  When we are presented with a child, we are responsible.  Parents determine the outcome of that life.  We must train that child.  That includes every area of his life.  If we want our children to follow, obey and cooperate - we must be calm, assertive and trustworthy parents or pack leaders. 

In my book, Discipline Exposed, I insist that one of the biggest issues in childhood rebellion is that our children have been taught by our actions that we can't be trusted.  When they loose faith in our ability to be trusted or to lead - they will rebel and go their own way.

The biggest Primal Instinct in your child is this......They want to trust you to guide them, to protect them and to be their leader.  Have you ever watched a child's face as they brag on their parent? 

When was the last time your child could brag on you?  Not just because you gave him a toy or gave her a time with friends - but when have your children bragged on your character, your wisdom or your talent?  If your child has a hard time doing this, you are not fulfilling his primal need. 

How can you get back to that primal need? 

1.  Bond with them.  Do things outside of the "no" world like playing a game, taking a walk, watching a movie together, eating together, talking about some current event or even just shopping together.  They may not admit it to their friends, but they want to be close to you.

2.  If you've let them down in any way - apologize and don't ever go there again.  Nothing is worth letting your child down or breaking a promise.  No job, friend, class or amount of money is worth losing the respect of your child.

3.  Make sure they can trust you and your word.

4.  Discuss every issue in a calm assertive way.  Leave your emotions out of the problem and discuss the facts and the validity of right and wrong in the matter.

5.  It takes 10 compliments to cancel out one negative statement.  Make sure you do the math and don't contribute to an overly negative home.

6.  Always let them know how much you love them and that you want them to be part of your life.  Be interested in their lives, desires, hopes and dreams.  Get to know your children.

There are many ways to create a bond....but hopefully these will get you started.  Remember your child wants you to be the leader and your child wants to obey.  Give him a chance to show you reciprocal love.

Seeking His Wisdom,

Debbie